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Friends mom is being controlling
My best friends mom is super strict, like she is now making my friend pay rent and for food when she can't even get a job yet, and her mom doesn't care. It doesn't even seem like she loves her at all. She just wants her to clean the house all the time. My friend is 16, and when she tells me about all the fights she has with her mom, I never know what to say except that I'm sorry and how unfair it is. Does anyone have any ideas on how i can help her?
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I totally agree with the other posters here, but also make sure that your friend isnt just trumping up the stories shes telling you because ive had this happen with a best friend before and after i had my mom call CPS on her family she later admitted that she was lying about the things her mom was doing to her and that none of it was true and she just did it to make people feel bad for her.
Because she was so upset with other things in her life she over exaggerated what was going on in her home life.
Now ive ALSO had other friends who really WERE going thru this same type of abuse and even though i encouraged them to speak to someone they were just to scared to reach out and i had to take her MYSELF to our principal and introduce her and make her tell them what she told me and that i was "concerned about the things she told me" and "thought you should know" so that maybe they "can help her". ((a few key things to say if you have to resort to this because your friend is just too self-conscious to approach someone on her own)) ; )
They will then probably ask you to leave them alone to talk for a few minutes and the school will handle it from there. If the friend gets mad at you for having introduced you to the principal because you were concerned for her then she might have been lying about all this and/or she might not want to face it.
If this happens you can talk to her and ask her if she lied about the things she said because if she wasnt then she shouldnt be mad about it but feel a sense of relief over knowing other adults will make this right and she now has nothing to worry about.
hope this helps some.
good luck
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I agree with all that was shared by the other advice-givers. I had another thought occur to me.
I am wondering how long this has been happening. If what her Mom is saying about paying rent and food has come up during the time they have been fighting.
And wondering what most the topics of fights are about. If the fights are over just this order from Mom, I can understand that. But if those fights are caused by something eles, another problem in the family or relationship that made Mom so upset with her teenage daughter that to punish her, or scare her into behaving differently, she reacted childishly and gave this order. Does your friend have no fights with anyone else in the family, only her mom? Just wondering if its still some of puberty hormones making your friend a wee bit more easily irritated or angered. I've been thru it and my daughters and if anything else started the whole issue, this is one likely candidate although there may be others. When hormonal, teen girls lash out at a chosen person close to her, a sister, a mother or best friend. If this is the case and Mom is not serious but just exasperated with out any clues of what to do next, and she may be major stressed from other areas of life, then a problem in the family specifically with the mother daughter relationship could make her mentally snap and come up with this. Otherwise, Its hard to imagine a parent just doing so. Even in tough financial straights. So there may be some undiagnosed mental disabilitys in the Mom and that need to be brought to light. The best way is to ask other adults for help, school counselors, a church pastor, aunts or grandma, or even your mom. But she needs to talk to someone she feels comfortable with.
I hope that whatever underlying issue brought this about is taken care of and resolved. You are a good friend to be so concerned for her. Now share with her all you've been told.
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That is not just unfair - it's abuse.
Probably best for you to encourage your friend to speak to an adult she can trust. A teacher, or a coach or a counsellor. As adviceman said, her mother insisting on payment from a 16 year old is unlikely to be legal. If her mother can't support her daughter, there are other ways to address that. Forcing the child to 'pay up' isn't the moral or legal way to do that.
The best thing you can do to help her, is to connect her and support her reaching out to adults that really can help her. Neither of you can fix this yourselves.
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What strikes me as odd is your friends mother asking her to pay for rent and food. This is morally and legally wrong. By law until a child is 18 years of age a parent is responsible to supply the basic necessities of life. These include but are not limited to; a clean warm and dry place to live, food, clean and serviceable clothing and proper health and dental care. Parents are also required by law to see to it that their children attend school either public, private or are homeschooled.
Are there any exceptions to these laws. Not really, though if the family is having financial trouble and a child is 16 or over that child can have an after school job. The money that child earns is theirs though they can if they wish use their earnings to help the family with groceries or pay a utility bill.
Is there anything you can do about this to help your friend? Yes there is but first make darn sure of your facts.
1. Tell your friend to talk to a trusted teacher or the school principal about her home life. The teacher or principal when hearing about what you have written about must contact the appropriate agencies to help her.
2. You can also talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal about what your friend is telling you. Then they will talk to her and make the appropriate notifications.
3. Talk to your parents about what your friend is telling you. Having your friend clean the house is not wrong. Having her pay rent for room and board is borderline child abuse as it violates what a parent is required to do under the law. The appropriate action you and your parents can take would be to call the Police and make a police report or call Child Protective Services. CPS will visit the home and see what is going on. If they feel it is necessary they can place your friend in a Foster home or with one of her relatives.
Child abuse and what you are telling us is serious which is why you need to confirm your facts. There may be more to this then your friend is telling you. You have every right to be concerned for your friend. I suggest you follow suggestion 3 and talk with your parents. If they agree then have them call the police and let them investigate.
If there is more to this than what your friend is telling you; suggestion 3 keeps you and the school out of it. The police and CPS will not reveal who made the complaint only that they have one and need to investigate.
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