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ultimatums
my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've told one another to block certain people on our social networks because of past experiences. She is now into these things with ultimatums. Stating that it's either something or her. She suddenly doesn't trust me out of nowhere and always accuses me of doing something I'm not supposed to be doing when Im not with her. It's getting to the point where our arguments are suffocating me. My best girl ffriend and I talked about kind of liking each other but left it at that due to the fact that we are both in long lasting relationships. My girlfriend found out and she hadn't had a problem till now. Now she wants me to block her and she wants to control who my friends are. I have to ask her permission to go hang out aND if she's not "comfortable" with it then I can't go out. Basically I am only allowed to hang out with her. She has done some great things I will always be thankful to her for but idk if that's the only reason why I'm staying in this. I don't want to block my friend because she nor I ever crossed the line even tho, to my gf, we did. I also don't want to block some of my friends cause they're my friends. I don't want my relationship to be based on fear and power. I told her I'd stop talking to them but not block them. To me, that is a compromise and relationships are based off of that. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do. Also, she is my first love since hs to now
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Well, this is sorta just what you get when you start off your relationship with exactly this sort of mistrust and rules. You have both used this cruel, immature, bullying tatic before - and now you are upset because you think she's taking the bad thing you have both been doing, too far.
I know this might upset you, but it's the truth. Once you start with ultimatums about who can be your boyfriend or girlfriends facebook friends (rather than respecting and trusting them to make good decisions and be faithful) you open the door to exactly this sort of problem.
You want to turn back the clock? Start by accepting that trying to control who you partner is friends with is ALWAYS wrong. It was wrong when you both did it before, and it's wrong now. You are partly responsible for the fact this badness exists in your relationship. It ain't all her fault. You both brought it to this point.
You don't need compromises. You both need trust and respect from the other. Stop spinning in circles and just get back to the basics of actually being nice to each other. This doesn't mean you get whatever you want. It means you admit you fucked it up and ask her to help you unfuckitup before it becomes too broken to fix.
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I have to start off by say trust mean everything in a relationship. One of the big problems is that your dropping so many friends for the one person. you have to take a second and see if its worth it. Do a pro and cons. You shouldn't have to ask for permission especially when you did nothing wrong. you seem un happy. what I would do is have a serious talk with her. In the long run you will never be able to stay because without trust there is nothing. You don't want to realize this to late. you don't want to wake up one day and realize you don't have anyone because you pushed everyone away. I recently came out of a long term relationship and I realized how important friends can be. At the end of the day she left but my friends where still there to catch me when I fell. You guys need to communicate to see why she doesn't trust you see if you can get any answers because right now you are not happy.
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sounds like insecurities to me due to not trusting you.
You used the word 'ultimatums' and from how you describe it, I am sure you got it right. However, just to be sure, is what she's doing, attempting to lay down ground rules and boundaries for the relationship? It should have been done at the beginning 4 years ago with both of you agreeing to them. However, if that is what she is doing, then both of you need to negotiate and agree to any rules without one insisting on what the other does without any choice in the matter.
You did mention that both of you have told each other who of your friends to block on social networks. So at least in that scenerio, it wasnt just her but you involved in this activity. that to me is a thing two people do if they don't trust each other. Trust takes time to grow and a relationship requires two mature people who spend some real time with each other, daily so they can learn to begin to trust, that doesn't come from watching movies together or other typical dates stuff without much interaction. In 4 yrs, I would think most people could get a good sense of their partner to know in their heart if they can 100% trust them or not. But to be honest, a lot of people fumble with this sort of thing as they learn all about relationships through the school of hard knocks. There is no class taught to teens and college age students called 'relationships 101' so we all need to learn the hard way by just the experience and we all make mistakes. God knows I made my share of them mostly from being too naive and not knowing any better.
What is needed is a personal want to improve relationships and also learning how to know who is right for you and who is not right for you. It's not the longevity of a dating relationship that is important, it is the learning whether with each new thing you discover about each other and you are still sure they are right for you. If there are too many things that do not meet your criteria for a girlfriend or later a spouse, then you break up and move on in your search.
You are right that there is compromise in relationships. However, Happily ever after doesn't happen just because we wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so. Both parties need to be willing. But before the compromising, you need to determine if your potential long time partner is on the same page as you on the most important things to you. What if you want kids someday in the future and she has decided growing up in a large family with tons of siblings that she doesnt want any kids ever? This is something good to know at the beginning, even if someone doesnt turn out cus if they do in other things but on the important issues to you, they don't, both of you would have to change who you are to make that sort of compromise. So keep that in mind.
You did say you have a female best friend and that you both mutually like each other. It may be that you meet each others emotional needs but not the sexual needs. A good healthy relationship has a solid foundation of two things, being each others best friend and the other, each other's sexual match, good chemistry, same libido etc...
Many relationships are based on only one of the two and therefore have great troubles along the way with a good possibility of cheating or divorce or a breakup in the future. Your girlfriend may be jealous of your female friend if she isn't sure of the status of the relationship. Just saying once that she's just a friend isn't good enough. If your girlfriend of 4 yrs is as good a friend as the other girl, then the only question is, are you both a sexual match. If the two of you do okay but it isn't the most perfect match, she will always feel inadequate and believe that you aren't fully satisfied and are going elsewhere to other females for that. I am in a 2nd marriage and my husband volunteers at odd times,( nothing to do with convo's of old girls who were friends) that I am the only one who has really enjoyed cuddling, enjoyed oral sex, etc... and he is so humbled that he gets to be the man who has me as his wife and lover. He tells me over and over how sexy I am, his eyes do not lie when passion shows in them...these are the kinds of things that reassure most mature women. However, there are always a few that can never be reassured no matter that you are doing everything right and if that is the case, it's time to break up. Her doubt will be a constant poison slowly killing your love for her. I've read that from studying male relationship experts on line. You may think she didn't have a problem until now. But unless you did something or said something recently to put doubt there, it was already there before, growing until the point she could no longer keep it inside. If you truly were in love with her, you'd want to show her off, to all your friends from your past, to your family, etc. My husband is like that. The male relationship experts say the same. They are men and know how men act. If he isn't wanting to bring the most important person in the world to him to meet with old friends, then yes, I can see her having a problem with it. A once or twice when she can't fit it in her schedule, you going off to meet a friend alone as long as she knows about it, should be okay as long as trust has been built. You've commited yourself by promising to not talk to them. Having them as social network friends but not talking doesnt make sense. Technically, that means you read about whats going on in their lives. You might not open a chat window but will she see clicking "Like" or posting a comment on something they posted as talking to them? Either you drop all old friends totally or keep them totally, there's no half way that she'll be happy with if you are not doing what she needs to be reassured. I can't say if you need more work on doing the right thing so she will trust you or if she needs to work on trust on the insdie, cus you've done everything right to assure her. Or perhaps both of you could use the gaining of some skills in your relationship. How important is she to you. If she may be the one you want to marry someday, then this is serious and both of you need to have good convo, getting out what your concerns are without accusations or assumptions, just letting the other know when you do this, it makes me feel like that. If there is room for change for the better on both parts and willingness to do so, then there is hope for the relationship. Hope this helps
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