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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My best friend's a senior. She finally got a car so she's been driving around lately. I haven't seen her over the summer or anything. i also transferred to a different school .. so I haven't seen her since the last day of school. We plan to hang out later today.. she's going to drive us to the mall. But in our next message.. she said i could save your mom the trouble and do all the driving... blah blah she could give me gas money and I'll do all the work.
Does anyone else find that a bit wrong? I'm poor myself, my family can barely pay for gas.
She's the one that offered to hang out and stuff, then she's thinking my mom will pay for gas money.
Is she only asking because she's a new driver and she realizes how much gas is .. or what?
The Answer
She's probably realizing how expensive gas is and looking to help herself out. She'll learn pretty quickly it don't work quite like that.
All you need to say is this "Well it would be awesome if you wanted to drive us, that's a really nice favor you'd be doing me, but my mom doesn't mind doing the work."
Try to make it gently clear to her that driving you around as a friend is a favor that friends do for one another, not something they get paid for. If she drives you to your grandmothers house 60 miles away, fine, pay for her gas, but if she wants to hang out, she can either drive or not drive. Either way, she aint gonna get paid.
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The Question
13/f
I've been dating this guy for sometime now. It was an internet relationship, but i didnt care. He was sweet and made me feel so much better about myself in so many ways. We used to say to tell each other that we loved each other everytime we talked. But recently i he wasnt on for a while. I kept on loving him. There was a place to put if you had a special person, so I put his picture on there saying that i always will love him. When he got back on he said he didnt love me anymore. I was crushed and we've been talking about it. Now he is saying that he isnt the same type of guy and that i should judt forget about him, and he doesnt get why i still love him. the question is, why all of the sudden does he not love me? Is it because the natural male instince to run when a woman says she loves a guy?
The Answer
It is not a natural male instinct to run when a girl says she loves him. Some men spend their lives searching for a girl who will utter those words. Don't try make 'love' a gender specific experience. It don't work like that.
Why doesn't he love you? No one knows. HE probably doesn't know. You could ask him again and again, and he could answer you a million different ways, but none of his answers will satisfy you.
If he says he doesn't, he just doesn't. He can make excuses, try to say he is just all wrong for you or such, but the real truth is he just doesn't want to be in the relationship. The reasons don't matter.
Love doesn't respond to reason. He is going to change his mind. Accept it. Move on.
I promise you, this will happen again in your life. You might even find yourself in his position and just not caring about a person anymore. We can't control our feelings, we must simply live with them.
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The Question
I just asked a question on here yesterday, and all these things say that there is one answer for it, but there's none there when I go to look. I am getting super frusterated.
The Answer
Make sure you've refreshed the pages you're visiting eh.
I think that also happens if the answer was abusive or was written by a columnist who was permanently banned their whole column removed.
If you are really worried, ask the advicenatoradmin account or e-mail DangerNerd.
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The Question
Im with her because i think she is a beautiful person, fuck her boyfriend, i will never give up on her...
The Answer
Then you have chossen to suffer. May you find some sort of peace in the pain you've taken on yourself.
Best of luck.
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The Question
I'm a female/15
I have a boyfriend that I've been going out with for about 9 months now and things have been kind of crappy lately 1. our relationship isn't sexually exiteing enough that kind of sounds bad but out of nine months of going out I've been fingered once and I've given him hand jobs countless amounts of time and was thinking about giving him head 2. we've been fighting ALLL THE TIME over really stupid things he will piss me off i get mad then he makes fun of me being mad and BAM EXPLOSION * we got in a huge fight yesterday and I was like how come you always have to make me feel like crap (his sense of humor him "joking around" is kinda aggravating me lately) I told him about it before and i told him its getting worse and I'm sick of fighting with him all the time .. we cant even talk on the phone anymore without getting in an arguement (btw WE NEVER USED TO FIGHT BEFORE) but on the other hand he's always there for me and when i'm upset he's always there to help me feel better but i'm sick of fighting and i can't like change who is his because his sense of humor that aggravates me is basically who he is; i'm losing patience with him..
AND I'm kind of really attracted to another guy and he's becoming more appealing to me lately
what should i do.. should i breakup with him?
=/
The Answer
If you don't want to be with him, break up with him.
The details don't matter just answer that question.
Do you want to be with your boyfriend anymore?
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The Question
My boyfriend is very close minded. He is totally against drinking, smoking, drugs, dying your hair, peircings, tattoos, etc. He freaks out when I say I want to do any of these things, especially without him. What can I do to make him more open minded?
The Answer
You can't make a person more open-minded. You can argue, persuade, bribe, bet, pray, bully and beg them, but most people just don't change thier minds unless they want to.
You can't change him. If you can't live with who is his, you'll have to live without him.
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The Question
for me to be upset/mad about this?
This girl has had a crush on my boyfriend for many months now. On and off I suppose. :/ They both have a class together and both are friends. She was flirting with him a lot and started to bite him.
I find her kind of immature, she still acts like she's in 8th grade [she's a freshmen] She even bit my boyfriend when she was with some guy. She also bites two of my guy friends.
So the first time, She bit his arm and left a large purple circle. Also left some teeth marks near his hand. It bothered me I guess and he figured it out, so he said he would talk to her about it.
but today, I saw him with various bite marks on his hands, arms.. 2 large bruises on one shoulder and another on the other and a teeth marks on his back too. i don't think he's cheating on me. i trust him. i know he has no time for her out of school or i would have heard it from his mom. and, i have many friends at HIS school that would have told me any strange behavior, you know? it's just lately, she's been all over him in a nonchalant way.
and he doesn't know how to tell her to stop since they are like best friends.
since he doesnt know how to tell her, he's planning to ignore her..
but i doubt it will help.. so any advice for me?
i want to write her a message over like myspace or something, since i don't see her in person. what should i say? i'm afraid she will make me look like the bad guy :/ i'm not the type to say "Fu*k off" She can hug him and yeah, but biting/leaving hickeys.. is just as bad as kissing to me. it's almost worse.. because there's proof.. or maybe i'm just making a big deal out of this.
I kinda feel bad for getting mad about this.
The Answer
If you interfer in this, you will the bad guy hun.
If you know he isn't cheating, and you know she does this to a lot of people, it sounds to me like what you now know is that she is just a biter.
I have friends who are 'biters' and will playfully nip anyone.
I have friends who are 'huggers' and will hug anyone tightly and affeactionatly.
I have friends who are 'kissers' and will peck thier friends on the checks or lips without a worry.
Some people have different levels of comfort with such things. They percieve them in different ways and they have different behavoirs.
If your boyfriend doesn't like her behavoir, it's his job to speak up, not yours.
You have no right and no reason to try and confront her. This might be a big deal for you and your boyfriend as you two talk about it. It might become a big deal between your boyfriend and this girl as he trys to talk to her about it. But it's got nothing to do with you and her.
Stick to dealing with your boyfriend. Encourage him to be honest with both you and her. Be upfront about your annoyance, but remember that she is his problem, she isn't your problem, unless you strike the first blow.
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The Question
Ok I have liked this girl for a about a month now, and I know she likes me but were not going out yet. I was going through a rough time today, I just lost a good freind, and she was there for me. And I was like " I'm ok now, I cant wait to be home and be with you" and shes like " about that please dont hate me" I was like "ok" and shes "but im really not ready to have sex. i know u said we can wait.. but truthfully i dont think my first time is going to be with u.. ii wanna wait til im older.. like. 18 lol. cause i want to have fun. i dont want to be tied down. so please dont take that the wrong way" and I was like "I dont I understand:)" and shes like " are you sure" and I was like "Yah but if you do then let me know Are relation ship shouldnt be about that:)" and she like"exactly what im thinking. i am getting birth control tho.. its not even about the sex.. i just want it for me.. i want to be safe no matter what.". And then she completly changes the subject about getting my BF jesse's cell phone hes 14/m, there like brothere and sister thought so nothing is going on between them. and after a while I said "I hope im with you for long enough to have sex with you though even if it is at 18" and shes like "haha how cute but we wont stay together that long. i know it:P" and then I was like " If we relly love each othere we can try" and she like "tust me we wont.. im graduating before u" and then she says "and when im graduated.. im going... im moving on.. out to bigger places.. we both have different dreams". Shes tested me before and I have cought on but im not sure about this:S is she testing me or hinting something diffrent help me!! Like I know she loves me. Im 14/m and shes 15/f and shes 6 months older then me. But like the other day she was like "m ready to have sex and I have been looking for a guy I just need to be comfortable with you first" like wtf is that
about im not pissed that we arent having sex I could careless about that cause I love her. But im just pissed if she was just miss leading me into thinking we were going to have sex. I need help. What is she doing by saying all of this stuff? But shes is one to test she told me she has a relly hard time trusting people and I know that!
The Answer
Either she is testing you, which makes her a cold-hearted, munipulative bitch OR she is being honest, and telling you straight up that you absolutely don't have a future with her beyond high school.
Basically, she doesn't really care about you all the much. She cares about her own future and, as she said, having fun. She doesn't love you. She loves herself the most. That doesn't make her a horrible peron, but the both of you really need to be honest about that.
So you could stay with her for the next two years, vainly hoping she will grow to really love you, and be willing to compromise and stay with you, but that probably won't happen. She will drop in you a heart beat if she meets someone who is more fun, or when she gradutes and her real life starts.
So why is she leading you on about sex? She TOLD you why she is doing it! It's fun!
Stop leting her yank your chain. You don't have to believe it or like it, it is still the truth: This girl is walking all over you and has no intention or desire of ever being a loving partner with you.
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The Question
mmkay my boyfriend is still in lovee with his X from 8 years ago and is still not over her. i trust him and all. but i feel when hes talking to me hes thinking about his X kori. instead of me. and when we have a conversation like him and me and some of my frriends. at lunch we will be talking about the cheerleaders [not in a bad wayy. i am a cheerleader!] but yeahh and he will be like oo TCMS cheer people is so muchh better then NJMS and then we will be like yeahh cause you used to go there and he will be like oo yeah well kori is better then EVERYONNEE on the cheer squad at NJMS cheer squad. and i act like it doesnt bother me cause we went out before and like 1 year ago and then he basically cheated on me with kori. and now its just they go to the same church and i feel like whenever im not right there he only thinks about kori. and hes always talking about me. but ALL my friends say he really likes me. so everythingg is just really confusinggg please helpp! :D
The Answer
Hun, he cheated on you and he says he is still in love the girl he cheated with you on??
Are you trust him and all?
I don't think you do. How could you? I think you have damn good reasons not to trust him.
You need to talk to him about your feelings. You don't need to accuse him of anything, but your feelings are very valid and if wants to be with you, you have every right to ask for some reasurrance that you really are the one he wants.
Believe him if he is sincere with you, but if you can't believe him, you shouldn't be with him.
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The Question
20/f
I became depressed and never liked myself because of who I am I want to run away from every one to keep them away from my depression. But I couldn’t hold it in, I told them what was wrong and they said I should tell Lara how I feel. I deny it for 7 years to not tell her but it got to the point that I was about to blow! So I told Lara that I am bi sexual and I am in love with her. Lara was in shocked but stayed there by my side to listen to me. She respected me and will try to help me as much as she can.
After I told Lara how I felt 10 months ago I went to a party and met this guy, nothing happen but I told Lara about it. She then got mad, she said she was not sure to be happy for me or pissed. I didn’t understand what she meant.
I told her that I am moving on and you are not making it easy on me. And she said she was jealous because she didn’t want to drift apart from our friendship and was afraid that we won’t be close anymore. She told me that she was jealous of my last two boyfriends in the year of high school. (And I remember her odd behavior, when I told her and my other friends that I got a boyfriend name Tony she ask me privately if we are going to kiss. And I look at her and said “maybe why? “ Lara said “well you know I hate it when people kiss” but after she said that, that made me wonder.) So now I’d told Lara that the reason why I went out with them is because I want to get over her and move on. And that’s why I want to move away to rethink my thoughts. She asks me why I liked her and I said “I don’t know how it happened but it did. But I am attracted by smarts, mysterious and adventures personality and that’s what you are.
But I really can’t explain it; it’s hard to put into words.”
Lara only had one boyfriend that lasted 3 days at freshmen year and she never told me about him until I found out the day she broke up with him. I ask Lara 2 days after she broke up with him why she didn’t tell me and she got all defective and said “I thought Rachel told you” (our friend who knew that Lara was going out with Josh) but I explain it to her that its yourself suppose to tell the friends. And she still got defective (I never understood that). But after him she had no one else she had some crushes but never ask them out but now when I ask her if she wanted a boyfriend she says “no not really”.
I got mad at Lara because it sounded like she like me back and I didn’t want her to (even thou I do wish it) Because I don’t think I can be good in a relationship because of me not believing in myself. I told Lara that but she didn’t respond to it. September last week I gave her a note that read:
I want to make things clear between us, because I been feeling quiet confused at the moment.
When I explain myself to you and how I felt about you, you took it respectfully and I am grateful for that. You told me in the chat room that you are fine about my feelings but don’t like me in that way. I respect that and so I moved on. But when I told you that I meet that guy Paul at the party you seem a bit jealous and I ask why you where. And it did catch me off guard, when you explain it to me and I didn’t know what to say but I was really confused because I didn’t know what to think. So I want to ask you, do you like me more than a friend? I need to know just to make things a bit clear, if you don’t then that’s fine we will stay good friends. I value our friendship very much but it seems like right now it is on the line and I don’t want anything to break it.
Please write me back when ever you can.
She hasn’t written me back and it’s been 3 weeks, I see her every Tuesday and Thursday because we have math class together. And it’s been bugging me why she hadn’t written back. What I think is that she can’t decide or to afraid to say no I don’t know but I want to know soon. What should I do?
The Answer
You've done everything you can. You've been clear and respectful of her feelings, and more difficult of all, you've been honest.
For whatever reason, you are going to have to assume that she isn't interested in anything other then friendship with you. Unless she says otherwise, go back to your plan of moving on.
Some girls are just jealous of their friend’s boyfriends. Some girls just perceive that them as a threat to the friendship even though they feel nothing but friendship. God knows I felt that way throughout much of high school. I didn’t have a crush on my female friends, but I did resent the fact they the first person they called would be the guy, and not me.
Most people also like to feel desired. Even if they don't want the person, it feels good to know they are foremost in someone else's mind and will do things like drop hints, if they feel the attention might be wandering.
It's rather selfish, and most people don't do it on purpose, but it does happen.
So consider her a friend, treat her as a friend, and politely ignore her 'hints'. You gave her a chance to be totally honest with you, and she has decided not to respond. That's fine, but you don't need to sit around and wait. Do what you want too; forget about worrying what she wants until she tells you.
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The Question
I have been hanging out and getting to know this girl, we had a date and she told me she wasnt emotionally stable. A couple days later she is dating this kid and that they are bf and gf, i talk to her and she gives me a big thing about never seeing me the end of my senior year, i make that ok and can completely understand it. we talk every day, we get talking about us and she says >If you really love me you will wait for me
The Answer
Don't wait.
You weren't first on her list last time and your probably wont be next time she is single either.
She doesn't want to be with you, she wants to be with someone else. However confused she is, however much she might like you, that is still true.
Unstuck yourselt by not talking to her. She is being selfish and leading you on, even if she doesn't mean too. It's cruel and immature of her. It's also not very loyal to her boyfriend now is it?
Being understanding is one thing. Being a doormat for someone who clearly doesn't value you nearly so much as you value her is something different.
Stop being her doormat. Please.
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The Question
okay.. hah. well, me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year and blah blah blah. and i still havnt given him head yet. weve done everything else, except sex. and like i do want to do this but i just cant help but think that the idea of it is gross. i just have it in my head that itll be totally disgusting. and its not that im not mature enough or whatever because ill probably always think this no matter what age i am.. that is until i do it. so can anyone offer some reassurance or just personal experiences? thanks.
The Answer
You might think it's gross after you do it as well.
Some people just don't like it.
That's okay. You and your partner just need to be able to live with it.
It does seem like an odd thing when you think about it, and if you don't want to try it, well, don't. If you want to give it a try, then do.
There is nothing anyone here can really tell you. I'm one of those few women who seem to really enjoying performing oral sex, it's a bit of power trip for me but I'm me and you are you.
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The Question
Hi,
This was the month of March and i am a new driver. I was about to take a left turn and lost control of the car. My daughter and my friend were with me in the car. My friend got hurt. Due to air bag inflation, she had few burn marks on her face. Later on the insurance people said that i was at fault. I do take responsibility of my actions.
The other day,my friend who had burn marks bought some clothes. Asked me the price. I gave her an honest answer that they are expensive. The next day she calls me and asks me why i gave her an honest answer. Claiming that i hurt her. My friend claims that i hurt her in the past. I asked her to give specific examples. She told me that because of the accident, she is having headaches. I have apologized to her hundred times for the accident and on top of it they haven't claimed for the insurance. My friend made me feel that i intentionally harmed her. My questions are :
1.Do you think i intentionally hurt her with the accident?.
2. Is it right for any person to say to the other person that they are normal?
3. I left a message on her answering machine that she had no right to judge me. Was it wrong?
Thanks,
Oceanseven
The Answer
1.) I have NO idea what your intentions were. Neither does anyone else here. No telepaths on advicenators, as far as I know.
2.) It's an opinion, like any other opinion. You could tell a person they are normal just as freely as you could tell them that they are pretty.
3.) Well THAT certainly sounds a bit rude doesn't it?
You are getting your panties in a knot when really this is just the time to take a deep breath and let it go.
What she does about her insurence and headaches is not your problem.
You've told her the truth, now it's up to her to accept the truth or believe what she wants. There is nothing you can do about it.
If she says she was just joking, believe her. If she brings it up agian, tell her you are sorry but it was just an accident and hope she can understand.
Let it go.
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The Question
I would like to forget my ex-wife, but my girlfriend keeps bringing her up;even though she knows it upsets me and I don't want to talk about her - I'd rather just forget about her all together. Example. we passed a add for the add with a girl with big breast,I said dang. then whe said I have a comment but it's gonna get you mad. I said then don't say it. She then told me that I already knew what big boobs felt like since my ex had big boobs. My ex-is short, fat and ugly. new girlfriend is short, thin and beautiful. she turns heads everywere she goes. Why does she keep bringing my ex up in conversations? she said because she doesn't understand why I don't want to talk about her? please advise. we are all about 35's uears in age.
The Answer
She sounds insecure.
What she seems be asking you for, is constant reasurrence that you like her more then your ex.
Call a spade a spade, and ask her calmly to stop.
Sit her down when you two are having a fine time togeather and tell her this (if it's true)
"I have no feelings for my ex-wife. I rather not talk about her, or think about her agian and upsets me when you bring her up. I want to be with YOU. Not her. I want to talk about YOU and think about YOU. Not her. I would appercaite if you would really try not to bring her up. If you are feeling insecure about something, talk to me about it, but don't drag her into it."
If the ex-wife comes up agian gently remind your girlfriend that you don't want to talk about her. Otherwise ignore the comment. It must be getting some sort of reaction from you if she keeps doing it. If you stop reacting and insist she talks to you if she concerns straight up, rather then dragging up your past, she will probably stop.
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The Question
So i have this friend[he is 17] who used to drink and do drugs, but over the summer, he went to rehab, and his whole family and friends supported him 100%. he goes to church every sunday and wednesday, and does everything he can to be involved. he had everyone fooled. After rehab, he was really sticking it out, and doing the right things. But last week he had a relapse. He started to drink at a party and it got out of hand. He didnt go home that following morning, and his family was worried. I asked him where he was and he decided to lie to me like he had done so many times before. he said he was just sleeping over at friends, and nothing happend.
he had so many people fooled, but not anymore.
we can see right through him.
but my question is...
how should i confront him about his lie.
and drinking problem?
its really bothering a bunch of us.
Should we just march up to him and tell him straight up? but if we do that... he is gonna get really mad and start drinking even more.
or should we just kinda say something nicely..
and he will either lie about it, or not take it seriously....
he doesnt know i know about his drinking, he thinks i think of him as a good christian boy.
when really i can see right past his lies.
what should i do?
The Answer
One relapse is not 'everyone fooled'.
A relapse is just a relapse. They happen, in fact some people would argue they are even part of the recovery process.
It's okay to be angry, but you have absolutely NO right to be vicious towards him about this. As you have already said, being mean will only make him mad and defensive.
This is still part of something he needs to be supported through, not beaten down for. People who are recovering alcoholics remain recovering alcoholics, for the rest of their lives! It's not something that gets cured.
You can tell him you know what happened. You can express your fear and concern and anger. You could even take your concerns and fear to his parents.
Act with love, respect and pity and you will act rightly.
Act with anger, hatred and judgment and you will make things worse.
You don't know his whole story, and you never will. Being judgmental is not going to help him. Tell him what you know because you care about him and value honesty, not because you want to attack him.
If you can't get over your anger at his lies, then choose not be his friend. That is okay. Attacking him for this mistake is not okay.
He still could use your help.
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The Question
at school i take a class for adobe photoshop, now im in love and want it on my computer. Can i download it or is it something you have to buy? Where can i download it or where can i buy it and do you know how much?
i think its called adobe photoshop cs7 or something if that makes a difference.
The Answer
It's can be tough to find an illegal copy of CS2 or CS3 as far as I understand Adobe does a pretty good job of protecting their products.
Even if was possible, no one here would tell you. It is against the rules to give illegal advice. Stealing software is illegal.
Please don't ask for illegal advice.
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The Question
HOW THE HECK do you stop yourself from getting jealous?!
i have this good guy friend that i kinda like but im trying to get over, but i mean whenever he compliments another girl in front of me or talks about some girl he likes, it really kinda...gets me down i guess. i feel like im not good enough for him to notice me.
how do i get over being jealous of girls he compliments?
The Answer
Being jealous isn't really anything you can help, it's sort of like being hungry. You just are that way.
What's important is what you do about your feelings.
If you are hungry, you eat.
If you are jealous in a pointless situation, you ignore it.
The only way to train yourself out of jealously is to remind yourself that it is baseless. Stop thinking "I'm not good enough." think "Man the idiot just can't see how awesome I am can he?" and then ignore the feeling.
It will fade away if you stop giving it power.
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The Question
Im in kind of a screwed up situation.
My GF is 18. We were together for almost 3 years. She left me.
The relationship is over. But the catalyst that caused her to leave, is that she is and has been in love with someone else.
That someone else is her married with two kids to a wife he doesnt love but knocked up _step_brother_
Thats right. Her fucking step brother.
She thinks that he is going to divorce his wife, her mother will divorce her step dad, and that she can love him and marry his 24 year old redneck loser ass and be the mother to his kids, who are like 2 and 3 1/2.
Now. My conundrum. My choice.
On the one hand, I can leave it alone. Walk away. Its not my business.
On the other hand, shes going to fuck her life up. She might well fuck up a marriage, and create an issue that will split the family apart completely, and just generally fuck everything up.
And on that other hand, I might want to talk to her mom.
Doing so might get her cut off. It might make a positive difference. Theres pros and cons. But the one thing I CAN be certain of is that it will not become a whole family issue if I tell her mother. And it would probably save the other marriage though it also stands the chance of destroying my ex mentally and emotionally and she will guaranteed never talk to me again.
So, what do I do?
Do I tell her mother, in hopes that her mother can offer her some guidance and in hopes that she would take it, and hope that by doing so I prevent her from getting caught and destroying a minimum of 5 lives (hers, his, his wive's and their kids). Or do I leave it alone, and walk away because it isnt my business.
The Answer
Stay out of it unless her mother approaches you.
Your girlfriend might be immature, but she isn't a child. Neither is her step-brother. This a gigantic, horrible, awful, selfish mistake, and it's thiers to make. You can't stop her or him, you don't have a good reason to try.
Your speaking up wont make either of them better people. They'd still find some way to fuck up royally. I promise.
Unless you are asked directly, just let it go and keep your distance from this train wreck waiting to happen.
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The Question
17/f. I have been with my boyfriend now for about 2 months or more. We have both been a little down lately and had a talk the other night about how we are both concerened that 90% of our relationship is based on sex. For example; we have had sex on a number of occasions up to ten times in one day, we have sex pretty much anywhere, in public, or in private, you name it. It's really great and all but he says we need to stop having sex all the time because it may wreck what we have and he really wants to experience our relationship on a deeper level. So I asked what he suggested we should do. And he said maybe we need to start doing more things together as a couple. So yesterday we decided to rent out a couple of movies and have some chips and candy etc. and have a good time. Anyway it went pretty well but we still had sex two or three times throughtout the day.
Can someone please help or suggest some ideas or what we should do or what we could do instead as a couple.
Thankyou.
The Answer
This is the trick with goals:
When goals are vague and nonspecific, you never achieve them. When goals are specific and definate, it's much easier to make them work.
Your goal of having less sex and doing more things togeather is VAGUE. Try some specifics:
We will not have sex for the next 5 days.
We will not have sex untill we have hung out twice without having sex.
Each month we will do one thing togeather that we have never done before.
Go on a picnic, bake a cake, see a play or a dance or an opera, go to a bingo hall, to a haunted house, join a club or volunteer togeather, just take a walk around a park, play a boardgame.
Taking shorter, more active dates will make it easier to avoid sex, and you SHOULD make a firm goal about sex, or you will simply fall back into the old pattern.
You are very, very right about the threat constant sex has to any real connection. Many people, espcailly teens who are just discovering sex, forget how to enjoy eachother as people not just as sexual beings.
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The Question
My parents have never had a healthy relationship, and they've been married for 30 years. They constantly fight! I don't mean to point the finger, but 99% of the time, my mom's at fault. She argues with everyone, every 5 minutes...honestly, if you leave my dad alone, he is calm and reasonable, but my mom's a fire cracker.
But anyway, all they do is fight. It's always been bad, but it's gotten worse- to the point where if they aren't fighting, there's usually tension, or true feelings aren't expressed. I am pretty sure that at some point they will get a divorce... whether or not they do isn't the issue. They will never, ever get along. No body gets along with my mother beyond the superficial level- i hate to say this about my own mother, but she is the most unreasonable, irrational person, beneath all the sugar-coated fakeness she shoes to everyone.
Having said all of that, what is there for me to do?? I try my hardest not to involve myself in their heated argumens . It's all verbal, but it stings terribly. I don't know what to do...sometimes i write in a journal, but how much of that can I stand.
For anyone in a similar situation, what do you do when you are caught in the midst of chaos in your own house? how do you take your mind off things, if only to keep yourself from getting too stressed out or hurt?
Thank you
The Answer
I'd like to suggest two books to you called the Dance of Anger and the Dance of Intimacy, which will give you better advice and tools then I ever could, both are written by Harriet Lerner. They are rather feminist, and take the first chapter with a grain of salt, but if you can get by that, you will probably recognize your mother. You will also probably recognize yourself, and your father.
Next to never, is it all one person's fault. It might be one person who refuses to make improvements, but even that doesn't make it all their fault.
So, pick up the books, borrow them from a library, steal them, but read them. You'll learn some useful ways to achieve your own peace of mind despite your environment.
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