"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.

Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)

    The Question
    um, well yesterday i accidentally slipped to one of my friends that i like someone, and now she keeps bothering me about who it is. and i cant believe i slipped it out.

    so now, everytime i look at her, she is staring at me, and before ANYONE knew i liked someone, i would stare at him non-stop and no one would notice! but now with her staring at me 24/7 i cant really look at him or talk to him as much as i used to!!

    AND I CANNOT TELL HER WHO IT IS. she will barf and she's not even one of my good friends... and i dont really trust her too much. should i say i stopped liking him? will she be even MORE suspicious, then, thinking i lied to her? or should i wait like, until monday and say i dont like him anymore (when i really still do...)?

    please helpp

    The Answer
    Meh, if you don't trust someone be a bit more gaurded hun.

    Don't tell her you don't like him anymore. She'll just bug you all the more "Well if you don't like him anymore then it doesn't matter what you tell me!" I can hear her squeal.

    Tell her isn't someone she could possibly know. A brother's friend, a guy online, a cousin's friend. Then in a week or two tell her you can't seem to contact him and you're a bit sad about it. Problem solved.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I recently got very, very drunk and hooked up with my good friend's ex boyfriend. I am pretty sure he likes me as more than a friend and know he wants to go "further" with me. I'm seeing him twice this weekend, I'm going to be under the influence both of those times but am not sure what to do. I like him back, as a crush.

    My friend got really angry when I hooked up with her ex (they only dated for a week), which I understand but I can't help how I feel for this guy. Should I just not see him, or should I do things behind my friends back? The answer seems obvious but it doesn't feel obvious because I recently got into a huge fight with that friend and I don't know what to do. Please help!

    The Answer
    First things first! Talk to the guy when you aint drunk or high! Can't get into a normal relationship while blinded by intoxication, certainly shouldn't try a single 'further' thing with this one that is going to cause some agnst around you untill you two have a conversation sober.

    Find out what the boy thinks and what he wants. Don't be coy (read: vague or playing 'hard to get', about it. You play those games, and he'll play games too, which means you can't trust what he says.)

    Then tell your friend, gently and respectfully that you and her ex have feelings for eachother. Try not to fight, but don't ask her permission either. She doesn't need to grant permission, but she needs to know. Tell her if there is anything you can do to make this easier for her and help perserve the friendship you are willing to do it.

    She's allowed to be a bit hurt and anrgy, it always hurts when an ex finds someone new, but she's not allowed to abuse you or hate you. That's just dumb.

    Good Luck.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Do you think it's wrong to take a picture of your boobs for a guy you're not dating?

    p.s. I like him. He says he likes me. If that helps.

    The Answer
    They are your breasts, do whatever you want with them. Just consider the possible outcomes, not everyone can be trusted to behave respectfully, no matter how much they like you.

    Things might feel safe to do online, but anything you put out there can be stored, discovered and re-distrubed.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    19 f
    ok so me and my boyfriend have really good sex. he last for a really long time but hes never cum. am i doing something wrong? ive tried different positions that feel awesome for the both of us but thats not working. ive also tried giving head to but that doesnt work either. does anyone no why this is happening and what i can do to fix it?

    The Answer
    No, you aren't doing anything wrong.
    Not your fault.
    Not your problem to 'fix'.

    So before you get your self all stressed out. TALK to the boy.

    Is this normal for him? Is he upset by it? Can he orgasm from masturbation? Does he masturbate often? Are there any health conditions he is aware of that might be effecting his physical ability to orgasm?

    Don't assume it's you. You need to stop being the one who 'tries' and takes responsibility for his orgasm. This problem probably has next to nothing at all to do with you and he must take some responsibility for it as well. If he is a habitual masturbater, tell him to stop for a few days and see if that solves the problem, otherwise, it may be time to encourage him to see a doctor.

    Of course he won’t want to go. He'll be embarrassed and scared, but it is important that he does go, because he needs to take some responsibility for this as well. It can't always be you feeling insufficient. He's got a share in this problem too, an even bigger share if you ask me, and he might have to do some things he isn't totally comfortable with in order to solve it.

    Tell your guy to step up, be totally honest with you, and be ready to do what it takes he wants this to change. Be a supportive and loving girlfriend, but remember this is not your fault and not solely your responsibility.

    Other then that, stop worrying about it so much when you are having sex. Stress and anxiety over orgasm are a great way to stop orgasm. Focus on the pleasure you are feelings and not the pleasure you or he aren’t. If you make orgasm the end goal, you’ll be disappointed. So make shared pleasure your goal instead.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question

    To make a long story short. I write for newspaper, I wrote a review on the school musical, it was over 4 typed pages long so i cut it down a lot. But it still was too long to fit on the layout so our editor cut the story down some more. so the paper is printed and people start asking my why I didn't mention Mr. B the director. I told them I that I did but some one had cut it out.

    He left one of our newspapers in the media room that said in big letters on it " [my name] Last time I checked I directed the musical, maybe I didn't.

    Now we had written another article on HIM and about HE was directing for the first time. But this was not my fault and the review was really only supposed to be about the students anyway. What should I do. I am really upset...???

    The Answer
    Chill out.

    You aren't professionals. You make mistakes. He's response was an over-reaction amazingly CHILDISH. Don't feel bad, some teachers are just jerks, (in my experience that includes most music teachers) But now you've learned something and he is right. Something like the director's name shouldn't be cut. If it's cut in one place, it should at least be slot in and mentioned at the begining.

    You've made your peace with him. If you wanted maybe you could send him the orginal article with a quick note of apology like:

    "I'm so sorry your name was ommitted in the editing of this peice, it should never have been cut, but I wanted you to have the full peice so you knew everything I thought about your wonderful show.
    Agian, I'm sorry. I hope you direct agian soon!"

    Then stop beating yourself up so much! You made an honest mistake and your learned from it. It wasn't even really your fault. In the future, try to remember how much space ya got ;) It's always iffy when someone else starts to cut away at your writing.

    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    i have a author named Madeleine L'Engle and i have to read her book when i was sick they gave the assignment and i need a website that can help you with a book summary or sumthin im dont want to cheat but this is an EMERGENCY!!! does anybody have any webisite i can go to?????? PLEASE HELP!!!!!

    The Answer
    Madeleine L'Engle has written about 15 books that I know of, and most of them are lovely, but quite complex. So you'll need to be more specific.

    Also, if you were sick, maybe you should just try being honest and ask for an extention?
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    okay so Ive been talking to this guy named jake for about a week.and today is the day i want to stop. Hes a popular jock and is very hot. and hes been IMing me being a perv and saying how hot i am and like telling me to masturbate with him . He even sent PICS. He probably does think im hot, cause when i used a different SN to be other people he was just like eh. but I know he does not like me, and i obviously don't like him either.

    I don't know whats wrong with me. but he gets addicting to talk to. I tell myself i dont want to , but i always end up talking to him.

    He says for last few days, he's been masturbating like 20 times to my facebook picture. Does he actually think im hot?

    but like when i comment him on it saying hi, he does not respond. i think he thinks that im gonna comment him back talking about the things he says to me.

    He also tells me not to tell anyone that he's being perverted to me, cause he's usually not like this to everyone else. He tells me "I've never felt this way before." and when i told him, "well. people at school probably already know your really perverted." and he said "nah not really"

    Im pretty sure hes embarrased that hes saying perverted things to a random girl.
    but i dont know, what does this mean?

    I also see him at school sometimes and i dont know how to react when I see him.

    So i want to quit talking to him...or at least calm him down on the pervertedness.
    What should i say to like leave him hanging? and leave him wanting to talk to me more?

    thanks you dont have to answer all the questions :D

    The Answer
    If you keep playing games with him, you'll end up still talking to him. If you want to stop talking to him, don't be a tease about it, be straightforward and strong. Tell him to go bugger off.

    I completely understand why this feels so good! It's great to feel desired and sexy but you REALLY need to start paying attention to the little voice in the back of your head that says this guy is a little creepy and worrisome. He is creepy and some of what he is saying is sort of scarry.

    Guys who say that they are masturbating to your picture twenty times a day are A.) Liars, and B.) Users. Guys who are too ashamed of liking you to admit it to friends will never have any real feelings for you besides lust.

    I know the ego boost of being told you are sexy is addictive, but you break the habit before you get yourself in some trouble. Best case scenario: He gets bored with you because it doesn't go any further then talking and moves on to treating some other girl this way. Worst case: He starts to cross the line, not just the way he speaks but in his actions. He is already proven to you that he can two faced and perverted, can you imagine what would happen if he started to act that way in real life and not just on computer? You'd be in a very scary situation. He's obsessive, and though I hate to be the one to tell you this it has more to do with him being a creep then with you being sexy.

    So just take the compliment and cut him out. No more talking online. Period. I promise you if you keep this up it won't feel good in the end.

    If his behavior escalates after you cut him out, be prepared to tell an adult, because guys like that can do crazy shit. Keep yourself sane and safe.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    So this guy I know has liked me for a long time keeps trying to get me jealous and it's really annoying. I know it sounds like I'm jealous, but I'm not.

    Anyways last night he's like "What do I say to this girl I want to have sex with?" I'm like "Um..." And just gave him advice. And he's like "She's really, really hot with a good body." and I'm like "that's nice." And he changed the subject. Then once again he kept bringing up my exes and asked me to describe them. I told him about one, and he asked if I only dated guys with blonde hair. I said no I like guys with darker hair and he asked if I liked his hair colour then I said I didn't know. He then blew up at me, saying I was a bitch and I was hurting him and he was only trying to be nice. Then he admitted once again how much he liked me, we made small talk and once again he was going on about that chick.

    Before you say I'm jealous without knowing it: I'M NOT!! I just talk to this guy a lot and now every 2 seconds it's "I want to have sex with this girl, she's so hot. We're going to be going out" blah blah blah.

    The Answer
    Stop talking to him. He's only getting hurt by it and being childish. You are only getting annoyed. Calling him on the behavoir and telling to grow up probably wont work, but you could certainly try.

    If he is really pissing you off. Stop talking to him. I would. He's being dumb.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    can you get pregnant if you have sex in a pool??

    The Answer
    Yes. You can certainly get pregnant if you have sex in water.

    Point of fact, it's also really easy to get *ahem* stuck. I don't recommend submerged sex.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    hi my name is sarah im 18 years old! im just wondering what i should do! its kinda awkward... but everytime and my boyfriend get intimate he ask to have anal intercourse. i'm just wondering whether this is normal or maybe he is confused with his sexuality?? maybe someone out there has had the same problem as me?? advice or solutions would be much appreciated as i would not like to have anal intercourse. thanks so much you guys..

    The Answer
    Lots of perfectly straight guys really like anal intercourse.

    If you don't want to have anal intercourse, tell him so, straight up, with no backing down. If it's totally out of the question for you, that's just fine, but don't lead him on or give him hope, be honest.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    This might be long...22, F: I've been going out (sort of) with this guy for a couple months now. I knew I wasn't all that interested in him, and saw things in him that I could not deal with long term-- he's too self-conscious, gets excited too easily, too caught up in his own opinion of things..etc. To sum it up, I realized he's not my type. I'm not high maintenence, but there were things I have felt uneasy about early on, and now I don't even have interest in him. I'm also moving back home after I graduate, which is in a month and half. I told him about it. Right now, I'm super busy with my classes- he called me 3 times in one day while I was in the library, and asked to go hang out, even when he knows I have no life right now and don't have the time. To be honest, I don't even care anymore and haven't called him back. He should get the point...
    but anyway, a) am I being too hard on myself, and b) is this the right way to send someone the message that Im not into them anymore?
    There's no real reason for us to even continue anything, unless all he wants is piece of ass, which he WON'T be getting from me! :P

    The Answer
    Are you being hard on yourself at all? Yeah, you should feel a bit off about the fact you even let it get this far with a guy you knew you weren't into, but besides that, sounds like you know exactly what you are doing.

    And No, this isn't the right way to send someone the message, even someone you've only been 'sort of' going out with. After a couple of months, he deserves a couple of minutes of your time to say simply and firmly that you are too busy for this right now and are just not interested in him. Yeah it's always messy and unpleasant, and with so much else on your mind I understand why you are avoiding it. Never the less, that would the right way to send him the message, clearly and honestly.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    how can you make him become a better kisser without hurting his feelings? seriously this kidis really bad at it yet hes completly perfect at everything else. help!

    The Answer
    Kiss him.
    Don't let him lead your kisses anymore. Guys tend to lead, or try to lead kisses. Take a bit of control for yourself.

    Tell him to just sit there and relax for a minute and you are going to kiss him. It's the simplest and easiest way to teach someone to kiss, often without flat out saying "You suck at this babe."

    People tend to naturally adapt their kisses, so when you say "Okay, you kiss me back now." He probably won’t be as bad, if he is, just pull back and try again. If this approach doesn't work simply say "No, like this."

    He might be embarrassed for a moment, but in the end he'll thank you.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Im falling in love with a guy, and hes everything to me at the moment, I love him so much, but I have one ''problem'' , hes 19 almost 20 and hes a virgin, im not sure what he has and hasnt done, so whether hes a virgin to just sex, or a virgin to anything else I dont know.
    He is EXTREMELY shy and is well known for not talking so it wouldnt suprise me if he had never even snogged, hes quiet even with me on my own in the car. But not over MSN. How should I go about ''breaking him in'' ? .. Much Thanks

    The Answer
    Lead by example, and I don't mean sexually. Just in the way you communicate. Be open. Discuss things that might make him, or both of you, a bit uncomfortable. He likely won’t feel so vulnerable if you put your neck on line first and share some personal sexual encounters or thoughts. Just go slow and try not to overwhelm him. Make it clear by your behavior that talking about sex and past experiences is okay, that you wont judge him and that you are genuinely interested in that part of his life.

    Remember that asking a person what they think about 'blank' is more likely to get a response then asking them if they have ever done 'blank'.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Someone give me quick easy ways to calm down that works? I get A's on projects and eassys but right at end end before it's done I always go into a panic attack. i got everything there and point form notes, I just need to put them all together but I can't because I go crazy and can't think because I can't calm down.

    and I can't listen to music or else I cant' think!

    The Answer
    Oh god have I been there a couple million times. Give this a try: http://www.rci.rutgers.edu/~rccc/Relax.htm

    It only takes about five mintutes and it nearly always works for me. Just take it slow and take it seriously. You'll feel much better.

    Oh and don't be looking at your work when you try to relax. Go someplace else in the house where it's not right in your face.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    STORY: This week Tania (the head of our department) is on vacation and everyone is more relaxed and doing their job much better. Yesterday Patricia (Tania's boss) came to our department for two meetings which was held in our conference room. Today on the telephone Patricia called our Assistant Manager and asked how things are going and our Assistant Manager said great. Patricia said that she noticed everything was going great when Patricia was visiting our department yesterday. KEEP IN MIND THAT right before Tania went on vacation I had to witness a conversation between Kathy, Tania and Patricia and Patricia said nice things about Tania in front of Kathy and myself. But ever since Tania came to head our department she has caused nothing but friction. MY QUESTION: Do you think Patricia realizes that Tania is a hindrance to our department and Patricia is going to replace her. (I found out from a coworker that Tania has been placed in a few other departments before coming to ours. Do you think that Patricia only said nice things about Tania in front of me as well as Kathy in the conversation I had to witness between Kathy,Tania and Patricia because she does not want to say nasty things about Tania in front of us in case she is in the process of replacing Tania)

    The Answer
    There is no way for you to know and it's not going to do you any good to speculate. They are the mangers, it’s their business and they probably won’t go around gabbing about it. They could get into legal trouble for gossiping or dropping hints like that.

    If Patricia is a good employer she likely knows the trouble Tania is causing, but if Tania has been shuffled departments, it could simply be that Patricia has stuck you with her because she can't do too much harm with you. It can be hard to fire a person without some very serious issues. Tania just might not be bad enough to be replaced.

    You could think about it for hours, from every angle and examine everything you've ever heard anyone say, and you still wouldn't have a clue what was going on. Wait it out. What will come will come.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    My friend hasnt admitted that shes a lesbian OR bi but me and my other friend are always freaked out because she gets really touchy feely & says she wants to have sex with us and were so hot/sexy/cute. I do this jokingly with my friends too but to a point...She actually seems serious about it. She'll say "Its so cute when you wear your hair down" and she wont say "LOL." Im not a homophobe, Im just not a lesbian. Im 100% straight, straight, straight! And I dont know WHAT to do..I cant just stop being her friend - shes nice but she gets so weird.

    Also, I have kind of confronted her about it. When she does it Im just like "Ok, are you a lesbian or something..." And shes like "noo!!"

    The Answer
    The problem here is that you are confronting her about the wrong thing. Being a lesbian isn't the problem, and if she is, and there is no guarantee she is.

    So don't confront her about her sexuality, it's not the problem and none of your business, talk to her about the real problem: The way her behavior makes you feel.

    Next time she crosses the line, tell her seriously and calmly "I know you are just trying to be funny/nice, but you make me really uncomfortable when you say that." You don't need to tease her and don't accuse her, you just need to let her know, immediately after she does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, that you aren't cool with it and that it crosses the line.

    Honestly though, I think straight people put a bit too much stock into the flirtations of your gay cousins. We know you are straight! We know it'll never happen! We just think you are pretty anyways and want to tell you so! So do try and take what she says as innocent compliments, because it's likely meant that way. Of course, when it does make you uncomfortable, speak up.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Ok it was really stupid of me to not ask the teacher for help in the first place since I thought I got it but next time I'll be sure to ask her on anything I odn't understand!

    I have this migration project (I'm doing koreans) and you have to answer this questions:

    -factors that influence people to move away from this place
    -factors that influence people to move to another place
    - barriers to migration
    -the components of a culture that can be affected by migration
    -the effects that migration has had on the development of Canada (or the country of immigration)

    There's some things I don't get about the question that hopefully you could answer:
    Factors as in reasons?

    To move to another place FROM the country?

    What does barriers to migration mean?

    the components of a culture that can be affected by migration, what does that mean?

    That means I don't have to write the effect of what they did on Canda right and I can do it on USA? Cuz most of them moved to USA.

    the effects of migration..like good things, bad things that came with them or brought to the place they moved to?

    thank you so much it's due tommorrow!

    The Answer
    Yes, factors are the reasons, or issues at play that cause something to happen.

    Yes, you are talking about moving from country to country.

    Barriers are factors, or reasons, migration might not take place or even things that just make it more difficult.

    Do you think a person's or family's culture would stay the same after the migrated to a new country? I don't think so. What parts of their culture would change because of their new home?

    Yes. It says ‘or the country of migration’, so if they migrated to the States, talk about the effect they had there.

    The effects of migration could be anything, good or bad, but a lot of it wouldn’t be good or bad, it would simply be changes and new elements within the country they migrated too.

    I don’t know about the terms. If I were you I’d write out a definition of each, just to be safe. Providing lines certainly makes it seems like something ought to be there.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    the last song that the punk girl GINA sang on American idol. the one called smile. who sings it?

    The Answer
    The song was first written by Charlie Chaplin and has been recorded by Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett, Barbara Streisand and Robert Downey Jr.

    So its really up to you who's verision you want to hear.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question

    I`m extremely angry right now so I'm trying my hardest not to randomly start cursing but I really want to.. I have been asking my parents to let me buy a Sidekick for the last 2 years. Yes, TWO years. Over the course of these two years, I haven't asked for anything for my birthday or Christmas except one item, a Sidekick 3. So for the past 2 birthdays and Christmas's, I have gotten nothing. Now I've been doing a lot of dog walking to raise money for this because I truly want it. I have saved up about $300 and I am receiving my next paycheck soon. The bottom line is, for the past 2 years I've been getting the best grades that I could and doing as much work as I can to get money without interfering with school. I come from a very wealthy family, but they just don't believe in material things. I feel I've done everything I can to get this Sidekick 3. I wrote my parents an 8 page essay on why I should purchase the Sidekick, I've worked my butt off in school and got straight A's, I haven't gotten into any trouble and I've been earning money by walking dogs. Now, I've told my parents that I will pay for the phone by myself but that still hasn't convinced them. Last night my family and I went to the mall and we walked by T-Mobile and I went inside the store and they wouldn't come in so I didn't get to buy the phone and my parents won't drive me to T-Mobile and if I even mention the word Sidekick or T-mobile they threaten to ground me and beat me up. I haven't been whiny about this situation at all, the problem is that my parents aren't open to anything and they won't even let me talk to them about the Sidekick at all. I think the most we've ever said about the Sidekick is maybe like 100 words in 2 years. I've prepared speeches and presentations but they won't listen to them so what's the point? I've put my heart and soul into being able to get the Sidekick 3 and I feel like they are being extremely unfair by not evening TALKING about it, or even going to T-Mobile to talk to the workers about it. I've done everything I could to get this Sidekick and it gets me angry to think about how my friends get whatever they want when they sit around and do nothing, while I'm a 13 year old working to get money and writing 8 page essays and preparing speeches about the Sidekick and I still don't get it. It's been 2 years and they haven't even thought about letting me purchase it, even with MY own money. They won't even drive me to the nearest T-Mobile which is 5 minutes away from my house, and look at it with me and talk about it with the workers. My parents wouldn't even budge when I found a few cheaper ones on Ebay. Now I really need your advice in a situation like this because as you can tell I have REALLY close minded parents and I've worked my butt off to earn this Sidekick and they still won't get it. What could I POSSIBLY do that I haven't done to let them get me the Sidekick? (They know all the features and its purposes and all of the info. and prices.) Job? Done. Good grades? Done. Stay out of trouble? Done. Be nice to them? Done. Act mature and adult-ish about it? Done. I'm sorry this is so long but I really want this Sidekick and my birthday this year has already passed and I ONLY asked for the Sidekick, so I ended up with nothing for my birthday. And they KNOW I could pay for it myself, they just still won't budge. It's sooo frustrating. If you could give me advice for my situation and just help me out, I would really appreciate it. I will do almost anything for this Sidekick. =P Haha.

    Thank you.
    With all due respect,
    - An Advicenators User

    The Answer
    Parents are allowed to be jerks. Really, they are. They get to be total assholes sometimes and there is absolutely nothing their children can do about it.

    Your parents don't sound terribly close minded to me. They sound decided. They have decided that their 13 year old is not going to have a sidekick, not that you don't deserve one, not that you haven't earned one, simply that you aren't going to get one. Deserving something doesn’t mean you get it. (Talk to the millions of starving children around the world who deserve a good meal.) Your parents probably think you are their amazing daughter who deserves the moon and more, but not a sidekick.

    So they won’t listen to you? Here’s a trick: Listen to them. All your speeches are for not if you don’t address their concerns.

    Frankly though, if it simply comes down to them having decided you will not get one, then you likely wont get one for a while yet. I certainly would not give my eleven year old daughter a sidekick, I don’t think I’d give my thirteen year old daughter a sidekick either no matter how much she begged or worked or how mature she was. I, like your parents, would be unmoved despite all your efforts and cling stubbornly to my belief that a sidekick would do more harm then good at this stage in my child’s life.

    Do yourself a favor and find something else to obsess over. You probably are not going to win this one. If you want to make one more last ditch effort ask you parents why and then be quiet, don’t argue, just listen, even write down what they say so you know you’ve got it right, then work from that. But if they just say “Because we said no.” or something equivalent, then that is your answer and it aint going to change. Might as well accept it and move on. The wonderful thing about being a parent (or a teacher, or a boss) is you don’t always have to be right to get your way, sometimes you just get to pull rank.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    This was my last question,

    I met this guy not too long ago. I'm 19 and he's 28. We started talking and we get along great. I think he has been very honest to me. He has a girlfriend he's been with for 4 years. She was away for work... but he told me he likes me. I started to like him a lot too. He started to ask me questions, like if I think he's cheating on his girlfriend by talking to me. I told him no, because we're not doing anything physical and I told him if he was starting to feel guilty that we could stop.... And yesterday morning he told me that he probably wasn't going to be able to see me anymore because his girlfriend was comming back. We started talking and he seemed pretty sad and I was sad... and I guess one thing led to another and we eneded up having sex...
    I'm not the type of person that falls for any guy and i've always had high standards. It's really hard for me, But this time I found someone that was able to reach those standards... but he's taken. He kissed me and said goodbye. I don't think i'm ever going to see him again. I'm afraid of calling him, because his girlfriend is back... And I want to respect that and not get in the way.
    Sorry this is so long. But I don't know what else to do, Any thoughts or advice?

    ... So he called me today and asked how i was feeling since we slept together, and he said he can't stop thinking about me. I asked him if it was a good thing, and he told me he really didn't know and that he feels a mixture of being worried and falling for me... so I just told him that I like him a lot and he told me he likes me too, but he called to make sure we don't lose contact... and that was it.

    I don't know. Do you think his feelings are sincere or did he just want to have sex? I really think he's an honest guy and he really doesn't seem like the "player" type.
    I care for him a lot and his happiess is important to me, that's why I'm trying not to get in the way of him and his girlfriend... But I don't know...

    The Answer
    It’s fine that you don’t believe in monogamy, but if he does, and that’s the understanding he has with his girlfriend, then you are helping him break his understanding with her. Don’t think for a second he won’t break an understanding with you too.

    Does he just want sex? No, what he probably wants, craves, and gets when he is with you, is power. You like him so you let him call all the shots, which is just fine, but I bet you his girlfriend doesn’t let him decide how to define their relationship all by himself. She has input. She has expectations. They have a relationship together. You are easy. You have no expectations. You ask for nothing from him. You sit back and listen and let him make up his own mind. You tell him that you’ll be okay no matter what he decides.

    I’m not saying either you or his girlfriend are doing anything wrong, just that those are the facts. You are easy to be with because you make no demands; you have no relationship or understanding with him. He doesn’t owe you anything. She is hard work to be with, because relationships, monogamous and otherwise, are hard work.

    So are his feelings sincere? Only time will tell. I will bet you they are as sincere as they can be in the moment, but they’ll not last long. The two of you have left him an emotional escape route; sooner or later he’ll probably take it and hold you to “but you said you wouldn’t get in the way of me and my girlfriend right? So we can just be friends right?”

    A guy, who breaks an understanding with girl, will not keep an understanding with another. He’s already proven to you that although his feelings may be sincere, he is willing to act selfishly and put his feelings above the feelings of those he professes to care about.

    Take it from a girl who been around the block in a few different kinds of open relationships and a few monogamous ones too. DO NOT THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU AREN’T MONOGAMOUS MEANS HE CAN’T OR WON’T NEED TO BETRAY YOU TOO! It’s a common mistake we girls make getting into open relationships. Betrayal is possible in an open relationship too and open relationships take a level of trust and selflessness this guy has so far, not demonstrated.
    (View All Other Answers.)

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