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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I live in a house with an 85-year-old who had cancer surgery in March and a 64-year-old mother, a brother in his 30's and a small child. I have been very careful to wear a mask and gloves and obey for the past 5 months every health stipulation to do with Covid-19.

Not to get political because the disease is not a political thing but in the U.S. they've rushed things in some states and the president hasn't helped by denying the existance of it at first and not trusting the experts like Fauci.

One of the things that has led to surge of cases is reopening bars, night clubs and virtually every other business you can think of in some areas. Doing so has resulted in spike of cases and some deaths.

Meanwhile, I live in Canada where they've closed the border and until recently you couldn't even gather with more than 5 people at a time. What has happened here is that there's 4 stages of reopening. We just entered Stage 3 which allows nearly all attractions, movie theaters and bars to reopen.

I have ZERO interest in bars, nightclubs, performance venues, indoor restaurant dining or any establishment that could be a breading ground for the disease.

I would just like to go downtown to the aquarium or even to the park, a museum or anything having been holed up here for 5 months with the same people.

My mother refuses to let me go anywhere but Wal-Mart or the corner store and always asks me where I'm going or if I want to kill my father and everyone else in the house by dragging Covid-19 in. It's an enormous guilt trip and I would like to have my freedom back. I get that she's paranoid and the reason for it and that she thinks things will end up like America. We've taken months to reach where we are and health experts have got us here.

I'm not trying to be selfish but I think if health experts have required businesses and attractions to submit a proposal for opening and are adhering to strict rules that it's not an issue to visit these places if you have a mask, gloves and are being bloody careful.

The only indoor venue I would want to go to that is iffy is a movie theater but not until I knew nobody who went to one here became ill. They have limited occupancy to 50 people per screen and blocked off seats and entire sections in the theaters and it's all reserved. You have to wear mask and gloves the entire time you are there.

I'm hoping you will have ideas on what I can do to get her to see that while nothing is 100% safe that this is as good as it gets and public health can shut businesses down for non-compliance with rules.

She also doesn't want me to go to parks for exercise or large ones downtown with a zoo or take public transit anywhere. I can understand the transit part but being outdoors is important.

I'm more concerned for my own mental health than anything else because these are the only 5 people I have interacted with other than my aunt for months and have been holed up in my room otherwise. I need to get out of this place.

Before Covid-19 I was going to theater, comedy clubs, major attractions and movies. It was incredibly difficult for me when that ceased and I had to find other outlets and things to do from home. You can't stay sheltered in one place for too long.

I am in the US and in the state I live in, stores and other businesses are taking this seriously, with marking outdoors and indoors 6 ft differences with tape on floor, signs of masks required, gloves seem to not be required yet, plexi shields between customer and cashiers, restaurant and other places with seating marking off certain chairs and tables and only taking a limited amount of people. I have seen some places where the amount of people allowed to enter even a grocery are counted and when it reaches a certain number, others have to wait unti people exit the store before they are allowed to go in. People are turned away for not wearing a mask.

I have no idea even if the mask is simply a false confidence or if it helps as I have heard both but would rather err on the side of caution. I don't wear it in the car or st home. I have heard that the older folks are the ones passing it on more than young people, and that could be true or false, I don't know. I personally dont know anyone yet who has even contracted the disease. I guess we all hang out or travel in different circles from those getting it. I went to the beach with a daughter who lives on her own. Everyone at the beach was wearing a mask, young, kids, and the older set. THe breeze made it so we didn't get hot. But afterward, on an in city hike in a natural area, only a few people wore masks as it was hot and humid and with breathing harder, it was very uncomfortable and I noticed other hikers doing the same we did, stepping aside and keeping the recommended distance until they passed and continuing. I never caught anything from that outing. Being in the outdoors is the least dangerous and in the beginning being told we had to both keep social distance and wear masks, now its wear a mask when its impossible to social distance. So Now I see older folks out for a walk wearing the mask around their neck and I see them only pull it up to wear if someone is approaching them on the same sidewalk. I feel that is all that is needed to stay safe but there is no easy words to convince your family otherwise. They are living as they do out of fear. And fear is a hard thing to get around. All you can do is let them know you will only be outdoors in the fresh air and if there is some way to track the location of your phone, that you can set them up with, they can feel better, watching where your cell phone is showing up on a map, realizing you are in a park not indoors with lots of others. Thats all I can think of. I know from a girlfriend who husband would track where she went for jogging to be sure she didn't stop somewhere to socialize. He was very controlling. So there must be a way and if you don't know, and I don't, perhaps a friend knows how and can tell you how to set it up. Even my cell has an app where my daughter can see my location at any time she wants. And we have that for safety purposes in case something happened to us. So I am sure you can set their cells to show where your cell is at all times.

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two years ago i have been going to a place that is like a school for adults with special needs and last year i have been asscoiated with some girl who is two years older than me but doesn't act it and she is also stubborn and when i told her that i did not want to see stuff on her phone she tried to correct me with yeah you do and i had to put up with her alot and when she and her mom rhode with me and my mom she tried to get me to listen to a cd that i did not want to listen to and she asked me way too many questions and some that were stupid about meeting everyone in hr family and i do not want to put up with her forever is there way to remove this person from my life ?

Little Owl said everything I would say and saved me having to write that. I realize as I used to be a caregiver for a gal with special needs and took her to a class for crafts and fun for special need adults so I have seen lots of that behavior. In most cases, these people have minds not able to see that what they are doing is annoying , bossy, rude and they see it as normal, but its only their normal, what they are used to their whole life because of what ever issues they have to mentally or physically deal with. So she may not be trying to bother you. So be nice but don't back down. If asked to look at her phone, make an excuse, or say you are not interested and if the phone is shoved in your face, close your eyes and repeat that you do not want to look, that what she had to show you is not interesting to you ever, none of it. I've had an elderly woman at a fast food restaurant I worked at who would constantly ask me to read wrat she wrote in her journal on her phone, and I was working so I told her I could not as I was working. SHe'd hang out til closing time and then catch me outside as I left. My husband was there to pick me up and we'd talked about her and what to do. She had refused any help because the few friends she did have discovered she had mental health issues and were worried for her. When my work excuse didn't work cus I was on my own time, I told her that I had read it once and it did not interest me, apply to me and I was not going to look at it any more. SHe tried but I simply refused. You can do that too. Talk to the teachers if she is annoying you at the school. Don't ever get close to her outside of school such as in a car ride because now you are trapped. I would never get in the car with someone I do not like their personality because then I am trapped. Discuss this with family members of yours and see what suggestions they have. the People who know you and those who know this girl best, are going to be the most helpful to you

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I am a 28years old married woman and the only child to my parents. I am very close to my parents, especially my mom used to be my whole world before I got married. Things have changed a little bit now as I spend all the time with my husband in abroad far away from my friends, relatives and parents. My parents have a faulty marriage. Initially after their marriage, mom was abused and ill-treated by my dad and his family (typical Indian Joint family) but after my birth my parents moves to another city (close to my material grandfather's family and their relatives) due to my dad's office posting and started as a nuclear family. Now my mom got entangled by her parents and brothers family issues. They used to involve her on every family related problem and she was made to go to their house to resolve every issues. After years of using my mom's help and wasting her energy my maternal uncles and their wives also insulted her and being such inhumanly ungrateful that they absolutely deny all my mom's contribution to bring peace in their otherwise troublesome lives. I have witnessed all these wrongdoing and mentally as well as physically taxing situations that my mom has to deal with. I tried to make her strong in giving back answers when others try to insult her. I fought for her. I have stopped communicating with so many ingrate relatives as they treated my mom with no respect. I protested for her rights. I fought many times with my dad for dominating my mom. But its been a few years now that I have started noticing how my mom tries to provoke guilt in me when I don't support her. She makes me feel that I am becoming like those ungrateful relatives who insulted and denied her contributions in their lives, that I am becoming ungrateful and like others I am forgetting all her selfless sacrifices and contribution in my life. It has become so difficult to discuss her faults with her. Sometimes I feel my dad is right in some aspects where my mom is wrong but I can't tell it to her without a heated up conversation. She doesn't admit her shortcomings. So most of the time I try to avoid discussing any family related issues with her.But she calls me up and keeps complaining about my dad and how he fails to perform his nupital duties. She asks me constantly to talk to dad as it is solely my responsibility to talk my dad into being more serious about life and become responsible. I asked her not to force this burden on my shoulder. But she makes me feel guilty for not paying attention to this trivial family issues. I am fed up. I even feel guilt when spending happy time with my husband. As I consider myself to make my parent's relationship a happy place, I feel guilty to be lead a happy life with my husband because my parents are not happy in their relationship. I know it unfair to my husband. How can I overcome this guilt trip?

Children have a way of compartmentalizing bad stuff during childhood so they can cope but once an adult on their own, any issues from childhood, stuff you've experienced all along, will rise up and its supposed to so that you can deal with it as an adult. In your case, those childhood issues continued into adulthood not because you are wishing them to but because family continue to treat you now as things were then, not letting you escape from all their issues.

First, I must say that regardless of what culture a human comes from, their ethnic background, we are all still human and when we have unresolvable isses, we require a professional mediator, someone licensed who has studied how to help people recognize personal things in them that are causing issues with family. And also how to work on changing that so there is peace. Unless your mother is a licensed psychologist who is doing this for family for free, they had no right to ask her to mediate their issues. That was the first wrong here. I am guessing she was guilted into helping out or given verbal hell for attempting to not do so. When family is too negative, have issues they unknowingly self create, they are going to be toxic to anyone around them. If you see toxic people on a daily basis, it is eventually going to affect you, the stress is high and there is danger of being depressed or becoming physically ill, I know because I had a situation in life where the stress daily caused me to have many stress related health issues in my body.

There is no easy 1,2,3 step program to learn how to become guilt free because though you may have a fairly healthy mind right now, the garbage you witnessed or things said to you have planted little seeds in your mind that are bad for you and these seeds will take root and attempt to stay until a professional can work with you and get those seeds of guilt in your case to be removed, you know, like weeding out all the unwanted things growing in your garden. But I would not recommend just anyone, because there are two types of psychologists, ones that have no clue, and keep doing the same treatments that don't help a person, just medicate them, or those trained in CBT which is cognitive behavioral therapy. This type of credentials is now listed with Drs. or you can ask. Trust me, this is the best way to go as they don't try to keep you coming back so they make more money but the goal is the heal you so you don't need to come back but your testimony to others and people seeing the difference in you is what will bring on new customers to a psychologist who is using the CBT methods to help heal a person. I highly recommend seeing a professional as you are not going to be able to know what tools to use in how to deal with family members when they ask you for something or say unwanted hurtful things. The healthiest minds still need to know and be taught how to deal with any such people in their life. I dont even know enough, just enough to get by myself personally and if its not family, I simply avoid those people. But when its family you can only limit your exposure to them and this isn't always possible. You'll feel much better when a professional trained in this stuff can teach you what to do in all the situations, what to say, do even how to process in your mind whats happening. I wish you the best dear. If for some reason you are against seeing a professional, then you have to limit your time with family or cut them off totally for now as their toxicity is affecting you and may unknowingly, unintentionally affect your husband and children. I know you don't want that.

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I have been talking to this guy for 4 months over quarantine and we met recently. I had a great time on our first date and we recently went on our second date, which was kayaking. I really like him and had a great time but something has been bothering me... He told me over text that he was the type of guy to always ask permission to kiss or touch a girl in anyway because of how respectful he is. He knows that I really liked that about him. When we went on our second date he had asked me how i felt about a guy slyly grabbing my hand. I said thats fine as long as you don't pull any sly moves with me...
The date goes on and we are waiting for our kayake. He knew I was scared because i've never been so he put his hand around my lower waistline. I was taken by surprise because he told me he was the type to ask... I wasn't uncomfortable with it, let it happen, and thought it was cute but just thrown off a bit. Then as he walked me to my door we both stood their and he went in to kiss me. I instantly stopped him and said "I thought you were going to ask me?" He said "I am sorry you're right and then asked me" I then let him kiss me 3 times (just pecks) and he touched my lower back as he kissed me. Again I thought it was cute but still a little thrown off... I was in an abusive relationship in the past and it has made me become very overly protective with my body. He knows I have been through a lot with guys but i haven't opened up to him about it yet. I explained to him how I felt about this and he was very understanding. He felt very bad and explained to me how it would never happen again if I gave him another chance. He also said how sorry he was and admitted it was a honest mistake and just loves to show affection. He explained how he forgot to ask to kiss me and swore he will prove to me that he is a true gentlemen. I really like him because he is very caring and hes fun to be with... Am i overreacting? should I give him another chance? Would this be considered assult? please help i can't stop thinking about it :/

I understand the questioning thoughts in your mind when trying to get out dating again but had experienced abuser in the past. My abuse was mental and emotional abuse, every day, thirty years til I finally left when kids were grown. So even if not physical abuse, any abuse will have your mind on high alert.
Being on high alert until you have built trust with a person is okay, but it shouldn't just be a reaction out of fear, but rather a logical examination and comparization of what you have experienced before and what you see here. I was tested by fate I guess with several different guys I met, 2 who stand out who seemed ukay the first 2 or 3 dates but let their real self out soon enough. I was looking for verbal abuse or reasons to not trust. The positive way to call it, is looking for consistancy in a man, he is consistantly acting with good qualities or he is not. I gave each the benefit of the doubt and did not accuse any of them of lying, or having bad qualities. But each one showed their true colors soon because keeping up a false image takes too much personal energy and one can't therefore keep a false representation in place for long, just long enough for them to think they have you hooked on them emotionally and when they don't fear losing you, they begin to abuse you. I was later in life, 48, 49 when I was dating and I discovered that I had indeed learned how to spot trouble in a guy and then avoid him and cut him off immediately. This is like a feeling of empowerment that I was able to tell the differences in guys and be able to be proactive, taking steps to protect myself before a man could directed his abuse to me. (If you ever want the details of the two worst guys, ust write and ask.)

So you know yourself better than I. That means you'll know if waiting time wise will be better for you to start dating again, like if this is too soon for you, or whether waiting is only delaying your learning confidence in your self to be able to detect bad quallities in a guy. I feel it is better to jump in knowing that this is your only way to discover if you have learned what warning signs to look for. Yes, you are not going to feel 100% safe and secure at the beginning. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy. Seriously I can tell you that looking for consistancy in everything he says he is, by whating what he consistantly does, not says, actions must follow. A person can't say I am respectful or I never raise my voice to others, without following through. Also, I found that when I spelled out what my ex was like, guys weren't put off by it. Instead they could understand me better. One guy I did date, noticed my explaining my every thought and action to him as I had to do with my ex. He recognized it and pointed out what I was doing out of habit because I had already got to a point of trusting him and was doing this. So in your case, only time will tell you if after dating more, he is the same as he says he is or slips up too many times.

I also found if I did not come out and spell out what is okay or not beforehand, it was unfair for me to hold it against a guy. My own second husband early on showed PDA I was not comfortable with. I gave him my account of what is acceptable to me. He apologized, promised he'd never do that again and has kept his word. So if you make clear what you are currently comfortable with and what you are not and why, if a good guy, he'll honor your wishes. He may have promised you but he may not realize he's also looking at body language and such signs from you. You need to let him know that if anything changes, you will let him know so he knows how to proceed. Ecxample:
My second husband didn't let me know when after seeing each other so many days, an occasion arose for me to thank him and he had never kissed me or touched me lovingly because he was waiting for me to make the first move. He knew he wanted me romantically but left it to me to decide if I felt enough chemistry to want to kiss him. If I had never kissed him and made that first move, he would have thought I wasn't that into him and stopped seeing me. And he didn't warn me. What if your guy has something running through his mind where he's looking for certain signs from you to proceed and you never showed him, did the things he was looking for or never said the things he's waiting to hear. If you don't, theres a chance he may walk away and never turn back. However, if you tell him the details of why you want to move slowly, that you have bad memories that get you thinking maybe it's going to happen again, he needs to know, not to become your therapist but to simply be an encouraging partner. Relationships where both have damaging baggage and issues that affect relationship cause both to become co-dependant which can happen if both are damaged or not whole in some way. If only one is not fully healthy or healed, then it still puts too much pressure on the other person to make up for all thats missing in the other and those relationships can also fail and break up. It takes two whole people to be a health couple. If each was lets say only a half whole, two halves make one whole. and 1 does not make a couple, only 2 does. So you
will need to work on yourself, basically stuff the last person wrote to you and I am explaining why.

the word assault, to answer your last question, is not simple to apply here and I will explain. The free dictionary says of the word that:

Generally, the essential elements of assault consist of an act intended to cause an apprehension of harmful or offensive contact that causes apprehension of such contact in the victim.

So one could look at your situation and say yes thats assault. But from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like the intention to cause you unease or harm is there. Let me know if I'm wrong but a caring fun person doesn't sound like someone who is willfully trying to upset you or scare you or use controlling tactics. Since he loves to show affection, you can count on him truly being that way, deep down inside. His logical mind knew to not do anything without asking first but his action is an emotional one, love is an emotion and loving touches falls under that. Our subconscious mind rules our emotions so his subconscious took the action without his conscious mind realizing he was doing it until you called him on it. This is not a flimsy excuse I made up. Think of times you were walking to class in school, busy thinking about something and the next thing you know, you realize you don't remember how you got from one class to the other or any scenario you can relate too, but this is mine. I was surprised and only now realize that it wasn't just some 'automatic pilot as people call it, but actually the subconscious doing this for me so I didn't have to think about where I was going. The subc. mind also does other things we don't have to think about like taking our next breath or blinking our eyes. This happens to everyone as surely as it has happened to you. I must state lastly that every guy I did end up dating 6 months or longer heard my story of my past in detail of the abuse. I only told very basic stuff if asked how long I have been divorced and did he leave me, or me leave him. These questions are more important than you may think and tho others have said this is one of the things you never talk about with a new date, how else will I have a fighting chance to know what behaviors that are off, that I am looking for in a person. If he says she left him, then my thoughts are why, whats wrong with him. So until I know the whats and whys of what happened, and the person also is over it because they do not speak negatively and hatefully of their ex, exes, just sharing basic facts that any one would realize is not good for a relationship. I know of people married 4 or more times and that is clearly where both have not learned from their past. I was not the antagonist and neither did I do anything wrong other than make up excuses for him.But I never did anything to create the issues he came up with. If someone hears I am divorced and wants to know why, they will hear how I gave the ex every chance, that even a retired counselor friend suggested he go for counseling as he is the one hurting the relationship (which he knew from seeing my exs actions towards me) and I never yelled at him or belittled him and tried to talk things out like adults but he believed he wasn't capable of making mistakes or doing wrong and that it was always someone elses fault. This kind of info if shared without hate or anger, shows that you are most likely sharing the truth but have healed. If you show too much fear, without him knowing enough, he may attribute the fear to something else and think that since it happens again and again with you, that perhaps he isn't a good match for you. Let him know please, if he really cares, this will be important to him and when he gets to know you well enough to read your moods or emotions off your face, he will know when something is bothering you and ask, even if as most of us, we aren't mind readers. Until he has been told why you are as you are and still healing, he needs to know, otherwise until then, he won't know if he's doing something that gets a way bigger out of proportion reaction from you until he understands. If then he is choosing to purposefully find ways to keep you tied up in fear rather than reassure you and support your strengths, then you can know he is a toxic person and best to let go. I have met enough people who have their sweet loving side they show to most public but what they show at home to family or a close friend is totally different. They are not afraid to censor what they show you either because they believe they can blackmail you or that your emotions are so tied up in them that like me, you'll internally make excuses for them and keep loving them no matter how bad they treat you. This guy sounds nice so far. I'd really like to hear back how things go. If you do write to me by going to my column, please share a bit of what you wrote about previously as I have no way of knowing one writer from another.

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I am days away from reaching 18 years of age. It’s very nervewrecking because it’m almost in my last stage of adolescence. I know that I still have a lot more to learn, but for the last few days, I feel very sad. Changes will happen for the better, but I feel like it’s overwhelming me more and more each day. My family always keep telling me to “act like a traditional lady” and they always splan everything out for me. I get that it’s part of our culture to appeal and create a good image as a lady, but to me, it’s a bit weird and it sounds like I’m born to impress people. I am willing to grow as a person that I know I will be, and not the person people want me to become. It has taken a toll on me to the point where I stopped doing daily activities that I used to love doing, even freshening up or dressing nicely feels like a chore. I rarely talk to my mother since she’s always busy and she has her own problems too. I don’t want her to have her to listen to me because she might tell me that i’m overreacting and that i should be thankful because she’s still able to feed me. I can take any criticism towards my feelings and thoughts.

What you describe feelling sounds lots like depression. Although in your case, unless you only began to feel it as the parents put pressure on you to be a traditional lady, then you do not have 'clinical depression' but the kind that can crop up from a situation in your current life. I know plenty who have had this kind too (including a daughter of mine) and the good news is that you can get over the feeling of not wanting to do anything you used to do, and get rid of that depression. The word depressed also means running low of something, in your case, you have run out of the feel good hormones in your brain. You've used them all up to be able to handle the pressure from parents and once used up, you began to feel depressed. There is a quick way to get them back up and you can feel results instantly. I've used them, my daughter did so I know close up how quick it helps. Before I do, I want to also talk about your turning 18, finishing HS and all that comes with it which in itself can be hard for many teens to handle. You are considered an adult, your friends may move to college, eventually marry, move away for a job or marriage and nothing you knew feels like it will stay the same. Its like being a baby bird and its time to practice flying and the first test is being pushed out of the nest which is not at a safe ground level. You fly or you fall. Its the terror of the unknown, not knowing if you'll be able to spread your wings and learn what life is for you, just you.

You are a bit ahead of others your age as I see in what you said next: I am willing to grow as a person that I know I will be, and not the person people want me to become. Now that is something people go through as they get close to 30 years of age. It is a time when we stop what we've been doing, being the person others like family and friends want us to be, and we start defining who and what we will be like for most the rest of our lives. I married at 20, a time when I hadn't been able to do this yet and so got off track with a husband who verbally abused and I was still in the mode of trying to be the person he wanted, and then he didn't even like what he asked me to be or do. I can tell you that is a stressful way to live. Luckily I eventually experienced enough things to grow despite him, into who I was meant to be, although he slowed me down, but by the end of my 40s, I broke free and began to live as the person I was meant to be. Now another thing to think about and look forward to. I hope this gives you a goal to keep in sight because though teen bodies are mature, there is one thing left in your body that is still not done and is quite immature, the frontal lobe of your brain. Without it, teens have been trying to make good decisions for themselves and always have such mixed results, most of them not good at all. This part of the brain isn't done growing until mid 20s and for some these days, its a little later but the brain does mature and then you are able to make better decisions and judgements, probably why the self evaluation doesn't happen until the late twenties. You're already a step ahead of others.

I am in the dark as far as what culture you are from and exactly what the parents are assuming you should act and look like. If they are talking about some very traditional concepts that may be steeped in religious concepts, it doesn't fit all people and their beliefs. What you choose to follow may not look like what your parents felt comfortable with. You can still be a kind loving person and use your talents in life without adhering strictly to what is taught for a woman to follow in other countries. For all parents, their children won't always want to keep following the rules and mandates they were subjected to as children. And if we're doing it right, children should normally far exceed anything their parents ever did, accomplished, how they lived, worked, their beliefs, etc. I am older with adult kids and can see this already happening. As far as technology goes, they can do circles around me when I have trouble each time I get a new cell phone or computer. You are supposed to go beyond where your parents made it to in their lives. Many think this means financially and yes that can happen but that is not what I am focusing on.

Now how to get those levels of feel good hormones in your brain up again.

Laughter is one that helps. So tune in to movies with your style of humor or listen to stand up comedy on line, read funny jokes and stories.

Hugs: I am not talking about the barely there hug, where the arms hit the shoulders for a second and drop away. Thats not enough time. YOu have to hug, a big bear hug and hold on to that person past the time it started to feel weird or uncomfortable. This is when most people stop. If you hold for longer, you'll feel that euphoria, which is your levels going up. Don't wait for a hug. you cant give a hug and not get one back. Or ask friends.

Movement: The levels can be raised by any kind of movement, hard labor which I did once and felt energized and euphoric after done while resting. But what words good enough is dancing along to a song you like, yes even if you dont feel like it at first. Or in my case, in my fifties I tried skipping like a little kid down the sidewalk, not caring who sees, what they think, and yes, I felt silly and only did it a few minutes but that was all it took. I found myself giggling while doing it and I felt great after.

For last I saved the one thing that works the very best for me even though the others work too. This one is listening to melodies. Its the sound of a melody that will affect me, not the words. An example for me is the song 'Clocks' by Coldplay. While it may not affect others this way, when its the right melody for me, it feels like my heart just got as light as a helium filled balloon and is floating in my chest. So I will listen to and sometimes sing along on songs that do this for me. Whenever I hear a new one that does this for me, I put them all in a file, which you could do on computer or phone and have a playlist titled upbest songs. or name it 'feel good' songs. Let me know how this works for you and if you ever need to talk about issues you feel there is no one else you can talk to about, just find me, dragonfly magic, got to my column and write me. If you do it the way you posted this question, what you wrote goes to every advice giver on the list.
Good luck dear.

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I am 28/f. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy for about 3 years. I think most of the problems we had were because of the distance and we only saw each other twice a year. We had a bad breakup, and then we didn't talk for a long time. He reached out to me but I never answered the phone, and then I eventually blocked him. He was my first love and also my closest friend, so it was hard to move on. But I eventually started dating again, and a few years later I met someone who is now my husband. Everything was ok until one day I got a call from a random number and it was my ex boyfriend. I realized that I was still angry with him, but we had a very long conversation and we both apologized to each other. We basically broke up because I felt like he was too close to his child's mother and I was jealous, but he refused to stop talking to her. I am a mother now, and now I completely understand what he was talking about; everything is for the best interest of the child, and I would never take my husband out of my daughter's life even if we broke up. My ex and I cleared the air, and I feel like I'm finally at peace with the situation. However, he told me that he recently moved to the city that I'm in, and he lives just 5 minutes away from me. I would like to be friends with him because I miss the friendship we had. He was very wise and he gave me great advice about my life and what would be good for me. I would like him to meet my husband and my daughter, but I'm worried that it might be awkward. I also don't want my husband to feel bad, and I don't think he would want me to be friends with my ex. I feel like I'm dreaming because I never thought I would see the day that my ex finally moved here (he had a good job in his city and didn't want to leave it, but I was a college student at the time so I couldn't move to where he was). He admitted that he still loves me, but he also said that he wouldn't do anything to break up my family and that he just wants me to be happy. I trust myself to be around him, but I love my husband so much and don't want him to feel bad in any way. Can my ex and I be friends and hang out together or is that a bad idea?

I'll start with exs comment at end of what you wrote, that he still loves you. And you knowing that. I have heard this situation before, one person loves another but the other either doesn't feel the same or that and having moved on, dating or married.

In this situation, much as one would think it is a good idea, it ends up short lived and is hurtful. Heres why: He can try to be just a friend and not do anything to hurt the family, but as he sees you, hears your voice your laugh, and expressions, it will grieve his heart, realizing he can not have more than just friendship. If he had no romantic/sexual feelings at all to you, just the friendship, then it could work really well. Your marriage is supposed to be a blend of the two, of friendship first and also both of you drawn to each other romantically and sexually. The sexual part being the only difference means you might be able to just like him as a friend. However if I read correctly, your relationship was more on line than in person. I did online dating apps, its how I met my second husband. I know that it is easy to fall in love with a persons mind. But when I met them face to face for first time, we both realized there was no chemistry between us, even though we liked each others photos. Then others, had all sorts of personality quirks when we met in person that turned me off real quick. I have read up on LDR's and many of those who have been in one, state they found it too easy to doubt the other, because it was too hard to build trust in a person you don't see consistently in person. Also the doubt can be an overactive mind believing in problems that don't exist. But more often the ones at opposite ends, not able to be in person, will long for the warmth of a hug, sweetness of a kiss, and so on, but you can't get that off a screen...so guys tend to easily, more easy than women, be tempted to start a face to face real life relationship with a female while keeping the one they have on line.

Now I will share something that may help you understand why you could say "because I miss the friendship we had. " Life changes and moves on. You no longer hang out all day with the girls you did in High School, because they have moved on with their lives and most will be on paths that take them away from you or you all change enough that you have little in common now.

People change and that can make it tough on the marriage if only one changes. Or your ex, may be remembering the 'you that you used to be. You may have changed enough so the two of you no longer click as friends, or he may have changed, or both. So the question is, how much have you ever talked about your past, past dates, past relationships with your husband and dhow has he reacted. If neither of those things have happened, then put yourself in your husbands shoes and all of a sudden he is wanting to have an old female friend who was his LDR, come visit. You would not be in a good mood, you would not like another female around, even as a supposed friend. You'd feel territorial. So do men. But more likely their male pride as far as what they are able to do for you, provide, protect, and so on, would leave him wondering if he's not good enough. My husband and I are open minded with past spouses whom we tried swinging and polyamory together w ith but have not felt the need to do so in the 11 years we've been together. SO I kind of know what the extra person in the mix can possibly do, both for good or bad.

Unless you already have an open marriage or have talked about each others past, you are not ready to bring an old friend/lover into the mix. Kids adapt well, even if they figure out the guy used to date you. So thats the least of your concerns. My husband and I have talked in detail about our past spouses. We dont go about planning to do so but when I act in a positive way about a situation whereas his ex had come unglued in the same situations, he says how glad he is that I am not like her. And when my husband does not complain about the cost of something I need but in fact does everything he can to give me more than what I just need, I tell him over and over how thankful I am. He is puzzled why I am so over the moon babbling about how wonderful he is in the situation until I tell him it was never so with ex husband and have described it all well. I have met his ex and he has met my ex. We both witnessed our exs acting up and know by the little we've seen that the ex's indeed were the ones with problems.

If you don't have that kind of relationship, being able to do it, I would suggest not bringing it up and not meeting him. Or you could find out how the hubby feels. Tell him an old friend whom you used to date on line and met in person a few times (you must include this part) has moved close by and would like to see you and meet the family. Would you be okay with that. In my case, knowing all he knew of my ex, my current husband had no problem meeting the ex who had been verbally abusive, because he was doing so in the mode of being there to protect me from the ex trying anything verbally and yes, I feel so protected and the ex hasnt dared to say anything bad.

Also, you need to know this bit here, about the foundation of a healthy marriage. Remember I mentioned friendship and a couples relationship having one more thing, the sexual attraction/romantic feelings. Both of these make up a foundation for a marriage or even long term relationship. This does not include LDRs. Most couple have only one of the two. They may have the great sex but the rest of the time fight like cats and dogs. However, the ones who are best of friends, may lack the desire for each other and that can lead to outside affairs. The first one, for lack of someone, who should be their best friend, that they can talk to, will look for that outside the relationship. So if its not a female friend, then a woman is seeking the support and friendship from someone not her husband and yes it goes the same for men. Just be sure this is not the case for you, seeking a male friendship to make up for what you don't have in husband because men wont believe its just friendship and he may end up hurt or want a divorce. So really, you are asking the wrong people whether its a good or bad idea. Its your husband you need to be talking to. If he isn't the kind you can confide in without fear of judgement of argument, then theres a chance you might have paired up with someone not perfectly right for you. Either you make the best of it and suffer the consequences, or go for counselling to find out if there are things that neither of you can see eye to eye on and if its better to patch up or leave him.

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I’ll start by saying that I am of a legal drinking age. But I’ve never done ANYTHING sexually. Other then with my own hand. So this is embarrassing please be nice. With that being said I want a vibrator but I’m embarrassed to go in to an adult store and say I want a vibrator. I know I could order one but I don’t want one of parents getting it. Because sometimes they don’t pay attention to who’s stuff they are opening. Should I just ask my mom for help or just buck up and go get one? Like if your a mom would you want your daughter coming to you asking for a vibrator or would you rather not know? If you would say to ask her how would I even bring it up? If your wondering my mom is pretty cool but I know when my sister told her how many partners she’s had my mom did not want to know. I also know my mom has vibrators.

Sorry it’s so long!! Please help though!!!

Im a Mom and I told my daughters once they reached puberty if they ever wanted their own vibrator, to let me know. None of them ever asked. Maybe they were too embarassed. The problem with asking a Mom who isn't open minded like me, is that in some churches, or in families, you are raised being told that masturbating is wrong, evil in fact. It is not. It is a very good way to take care of your needs when too young to have a partner, or until you do have a partner. Being wayyy older now, I have had talks with other women , most of whom did not get a sex toy ever, still too emabarrassed to go into such a shop, and others who didn't get over their embarrassment until they were married of after having given birth to a kid. It does become more natural feeling and a lot less embarrassing as you get older. I didn't get sex toys until in my thirties and I was married at 20. SO there is no problem with your not having one.

The basics of toys is either something that can be inserted, a dildo, or a vibrator only or something that does both. I can only suggest a vibrator for the clit, using the battery operated toothbrush. I have used all sorts of toys from sex shops but they do not hold up for long, and fall apart. I have found that the brush, with its bristles work as well if not better than a toy with what they called 'the butterfly' at the end that vibrated a piece of rubber shaped kinda like a butterfly and its quick vibration when held against the clit will help you have orgasms easily. I use one now too or hubby uses it on me. Use lube but otherwise, you hold it as lightly against you as you wish and the bristles don't hurt but help you start to feel what you are after. Anyone could be buying a toothbrush to brush their teeth cus the last brush died. No one would even think you were getting it to use as a sex toy. The only issue is there is usually just one speed, maybe two if you find one like that, I haven't. And toys in shops can come in other speeds. But I have found the lower speeds did nothing to arouse, so I've stuck with the strongest one always and believe it or not, the toothbrushes one speed if definitely enouh.

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How can I live long during this pandemic Covid-19?

You,ve probably heard of all of this being hype. Maybe it isn't hype but its made to sound worse than it really is, or it is a very real highly contagious thing we should take precautions with.
My policy is to err on the side of safety. I'd rather go through the motions the CDC is telling us, than find out I was wrong. I still don't personally know anyone who has died of it but I follow the guidelines, wearing a mask out in public, anywhere away from home. I also try to keep a social distance and If I want to hug someone, sadly I have to stick with the elbow bumping. So since its summer, you have a great way to still see friends, just wear your mask and agree to meet somewhere outdoors. I have problems with wearing my mask. It makes my nose stuff up and airways swell smaller so at tmes its hard to breathe. We breath in our own carbon dioxie which no medical agency has yet said is bad for us. So I step outside, get away from people often and pull off my mask to take several deep breathes, feel like I am breathing normal again, then remask and go back to what I was doing. I know its a hassle but it can be done. If you wish to date, if single, I know others are doing it. they meet someone usually from internet dating and meet with masks on. After a while if you feel this person is worth dating, make sure he has the same views and takes precautions as you do. He practices social distancing and wearing a mask. And don't forget, thorough washing of hands. If he does this and lives on his own, then he should be safe, but you both can wait the amount of time recommended for quarantine, even if neither of you have knowledge of being exposed, and only get together without masks when you know you both are safe. If he lives with roommates, or his family, its more complicated as you'd have to know the safety practices of any of the other people. So its not as easy now to meet people, but it is worth it in the end because humans are social creatures and need to be around other people. If you had more specific questions perhaps I might be able to be of more help with auggestions.

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So I’m going to be a sophomore in high school this fall, and I recently had another weird dream. The dream was basically the aftermath of having sex with a classmate that I’m not even romantically or sexually attracted to. I’ve had my share of dreams involving boys liking me that I don’t like or doing a sexual thing(never anything truly sexual just a butt smack) and want to know what the dream means in case it occurs again.

Usually a dream is not a message of something that is going to happen, it can be. But more likely it is acting out your emotions, and our emotions are fed by our thoughts or what we have experienced in life. So if I see a sad movie, I might dream about something totally different than the movie but also makes me feel sad. If I read about a hero, I might dream about a hero. I have found from experience that when I had the same exact dream over and over in life, with nothing at all different in it, then it was the dream trying to tell me something. And I did figure it out. NOt at first, because it couldn't be understood until I changed some of what I believed in, spiritually.
So for you, I can't say what the message is, but if I were having your dreams, I most likely would think that deep down I have a concern about never being able to find the kind of guy that I am attracted to as a friend and lover in the form of a bf or husband. You have seen the way males act at your age and you probably don't like most of what you see. Don't worry. Some of them, the good ones will eventually grow up but you have to be patient. It will take at least until their mid twenties til later for boys to grow mature in their brain. THis is an issue for all kids and teens. The frontal lobe of the brain is not yet mature so any decision making, including what is the best kind of traits to have and to look for in a bf/gf, is something very difficult for a teen to do. So knowing this, I can easily say that for me, it would be a concern, being able to find anyone at all. Some date in HS but this is not a time to really get a serious rewarding, fulfilling relationship that women a decade or two older than you might have. Young males are no where near even thinking those thoughts as I've learned in my life. I also know how much sex really is on the minds of teen males. Males pretty much have their horniness meter going at full blast all the time, 24/7. Females don't usually feel the need for sex while they are gardening, reading a book, grocery shopping, babysitting or caring for an infant, riding their bike, while eating dinner, etc. Any situation, any thing you do during the day, imagime having that sexual itch going during all of it. Its no wonder that young males are more into lusting and experiencing sex without the love. Love is too much work and they just aren't interested that way. I've been on this column so many years I've forgotten how many, but its over six and in that time only heard from 3 girls writing in about having found a teen boy who treats them well consistently, is a good friend but also romantic. Thats only 3 over the span of lets say 6 years. There may be more that weren't written about. So its possible but not very likely. SO during HS and even sometimes college, you will have males who still want just the sex, but not the love while females want both with the male they are attracted to. The fact you aren't seeing enough of males who would fit the profile of what you like, is very disconcerning to you. It hits you at a subconscious mind level. And it is your subconscious mind that is responsible for your dreams. Thats why when awake if you don't see a connection, you must ask your inner self, what kinds of things are of concern to it, and this is the most likely answer I see. The reason behind it may differ for you though. But you will eventually figure it out if you keep thinking about it.

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In April, I met this guy on Tinder. I’m 22. He’s 23. He told me he was on the app looking for a friend with benefits. I was looking for a boyfriend. But at the same time I’m not in any rush. He consistently messaged and video chatted for 2 months. After a while he said that he changed his mind. He deleted the app. That he wanted to be my boyfriend in the near future. We finally met in person, went on two amazing dates, then he pressured/guilted me into sex with him on our 3rd date. He said,

“If we both want each other, why aren’t we having sex? You’re playing games. I won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do, but I don’t understand why we can’t have sex. If we stop talking today, I’d have lost a lot of money, which would make me very upset.”

Actually, on that day we first had sex, I was taking some medication that you may have to restart if you’re sexually active on it. I didn’t have health care and I would’ve had to pay out of pocket for more medication and he knew this but didn’t care. This is truly what rubbed me the wrong way. I’m sure he would have paid. But it wasn’t about that. It was the principal, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. I made the mistake of giving it to him. Don’t get me wrong. He had my consent and i wanted to do it, I would have been very happy to do so, just maybe a week later when my medication was done.

What makes it strange for me is that the rest of the time he is amazing; opening every door every time, walking closer to the street if we’re on a sidewalk, always driving to me even though I also have a car, punctual, very affectionate, attentive, polite, generous, gentleman, kind, vulnerable (he opened up to me very honestly about his abusive childhood) and all of these wonderful things. Throughout this whole time all that stuff has remained consistent. Also, he mentions the fact that he can see himself marrying me and having 3 kids together and all these sweet things, but it doesn’t feel right... when he says that it’s either as a joke, or when he’s being serious he doesn’t sound sincere at all.

Sometimes he is not respectful of my wishes. If I’m not in the mood, he will continue. He won’t stop the kissing/rubbing of my vagina/breasts/booty the first time I’d say stop, one day I had to say it and push him away 4 times, then I asked to go home. After that day, I made my decision that I will not take him seriously as a boyfriend like he said he wanted. (I didn’t say that to him lol) But i told him I’d like to continue to have sex with him, and now we are sexually exclusive.

We planned a resort for just the two of us July 28-30 and he will have access to my body for 72 hours. obviously what he wants is sex for that whole time. It sounds great. This will be my first experience taking a vacation with a man alone! Despite having been manipulated and pressured into sex I feel completely safe and taken care of with him. I’m not used to being pampered and taken care of like he does for me. He paid for my birth control and he always surprises me with food and gifts and does so many things for me.

Which is also why I felt like I HAD to sleep with him or I was afraid he would have felt used. I grew fond of him before we ever met in person. All the video chats were long and I got to know him pretty well.

But instead, I feel taken advantage of and manipulated. I like this guy enough to keep seeing him, and he wants to be exclusively sleeping with me and in a relationship, but this feels like it’s better off as a sexual thing. Or, maybe even nothing. I feel like he would be abusive and manipulative if we continue as a couple... I’m not sure how i should feel or what i should do.



My question is,
Should I cancel this vacation? I would like to enjoy a sexual relationship with him but the question is, does he deserve it? Or should I continue sleeping with him for my own reasons and benefit, regardless of whether he’s worthy or not? Should I leave him after the vacation if i do go? I enjoy the sex very much. I just don’t enjoy the energy he puts around it. Like he’s paying his way to my body, and if i don’t do it there’s something wrong with me..... Please help. My head hurts

The problems started for you in the beginning, him wanting friend with benefits and you a boyfriend. I once had a friend with benefits after my divorce and before I met my husband. I am a sexual person and wanting sex with someone who would treat me nicely as a friend.
A person has to be a friend even a new person you meet, before they can become a friend with benefits, Otherwise, its isn't sex with a friend. Maybe sex with a person who doesn't care about others, only himself.
Now I will go to your question at the end. Should you go? As long as you want only the sex and don't care if he even treats you as a friend, then sure go ahead if you know you can remain neutral and just go for the experience. But you already know how his mind works and if you leave him eventually, he is keeping a tally already of what he has spent on you and this weekend would go in the mix and he will accuse you of using him. If you are also okay with dealing with this kind of back lash after the weekend, then go.

Now I will share more to help you decide if he is even worth your while for the sex. I see no problem with having a friend with benefits if you don't have a gf/bf or wife/husband. However the operative word here is friend. I once read somewhere that a marriage needs a solid foundation to be able to last forever. My first marriage didn't because it didn't have that and I was too naive to not see that what I thought were the necessary ingrediants, were in fact none existant.

This foundation only needs two things but sadly most couples married of not only have one. The first is being close friends or best friends and the other is being each others sexual equal, where the chemistry is there.
The only difference between friends and sexual relationships is having the sexual desire for each other, otherwise both a friend and a sexual relationship are supposed to have friendship. You already know he is not treating you like a close friend would. You have the choice to take the poor treatment just to get the sex or stop seeing him and waiting until you find a guy who not only is a terrific friend and treats you well as a human being, thinking of you first, and also truly being drawn to you ...the whole package, so inside and out, and being in love unconditionally.

Yes, crappy men can outwardly go through the motions to do things they feel will impress a woman while inside they don't want to relate to another human closely and care about another. So you have seen him use some manners like open doors for you. But that alone isn't what you get when you are in some kind of relationship with a person. YOu get exactly what they are on the inside. And you can't change another person, because change and the desire to change for the better or even be able to acknowledge the behavior needs improving, that one is wrong, must be part of the persons characteristics before they will even be able to change. So I now tell others based on what I learned by living through it, is that few people ever make great strides in changing. They may change a few petty things that in the long run won't make a difference. I know what it is like when a man makes it all about him and his feelings and could care less about me. I was also verbally abused and he tried the emotional abuse but my faith in God kept me sane there. This was a husband who fooled my friends and my family and after a month of being nice after marriage, changed to his real self. You have known your guy since April, so not long enough to learn everything you might like or dislike about him. About three months, but I can vouch for another fact that people who put on their best appearance and become someone they think you will like, not who they really are, a false personality because deep down they know they won't measure up and have some bad traits. It takes too much personal energy to keep up a false personality and remember to keep their false image going so depending on how often you see them, it can be by the 3rd date that you see their real self come out. Thats what I found out as an adult in my forties when single again and starting dating. Their act is good so that I would be thinking that maybe this person would turn out okay and by the third date or a month in, I'd see something that showed me a bad trait that had lain hidden in the person. From your description, this man isn't treating you as a friend, is selfish, meaning he comes into this relationship thinking only what you can do for him, not what he can do for you, or else he wouldn't pretend to not hear you and keep going for more sex. In bed, the right man will not be concerned about his own pleasure but want to pleasure his female. When he does, the females libido is turned on hot like an iron and like an iron it is very slow to cool off so she'll be wanting to give him back as much as she can to please him. Its a give and want to give back, not a take and take. A give and take which you've heard before is something that can work if one partner isn't keeping a tally of what they have done for you. He is not boyfriend, sex friend or husband material dear. At some point, you need to cut off seeing him, as I hope you can see by some of what I've shared, that he is not worth investing any time into, not even as a friend. If you decide to continue seeing him for sex, he won't learn that he has bad behavior that needs changing. If every woman refused to have sex with him or even go out once they heard something bad the first time, then he would either have to wonder why and hopefully learn that he is the problem or he will grow older and more lonely as a bachelor til the day he dies. I can see how a man who keeps tally, is not unconditional. He is conditinal and probably doesn't even realize that. He has conditions that you must meet, hoops for you to jump through for him to not blame you for anything. Sure he willingly pays for dinner out or your meds. but it isn't really free and given in love just because. All his actions require something back from you. If you never pay your own way, (something I always did to avoid this) or only sometimes do, then he will be quick to tell you that you owe him or simply try to take by force what he wants in payment back. If it takes a person several decades to learn better and become better, may be he can change one day. But do you want to wait until 3 more decades have passed, staying with him, only to find out, he still hasn't changed one bit and has no desire to.
\You asked does he deserve a sexual relationship with you? Everyone deserves to have a wonderful rewarding sexual relationship. But by how he thinks, he certainly has not earned it. Think of it that way, and also not monetarily. Other than his money spent on you, those other things matter as much and even more. If he can't be that friend for you as well as a great sex partner. Then all you will have if you stay is okay sex with a man more concerned about getting his jollies than how it affects you. My second husband is so considerate that he doesn't want to ask me even if he needs it but I am tired, sleeping or sick. Even when I told him that on occasion I am okay with morning sex, just not every morning as he wakes earlier than me, and yet, he loves me so much, he doesn't want to wake me even occasionally.

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Ok super embarrassed to ask but don’t know what to do. I want to get a vibrator because I’m tired of my hand. However, I am slightly embarrassed to go to a sex shop and ask for a vibrator. Would it be weird to talk to my mom about it? Like if your a mom would you want your daughter to ask for your help to get a vibrator or for her to just go get one? The sad part of all this is I’m of a legal Drinking age and I’m to shy to go into a sex shop.

Some MOms are too timid or embarrassed themselves to talk frankly about any reproductive or sex questions. Then theres other Moms who have no problem talking on the issue. You know your Mom best. If you feel she would be too embarrassed to help and go buy you something, then you still have one option. You won't be able to get say a dildo to insert. But if you just want a vibrator for your clit that can produce orgasms, an electric toothbrush works really great. In fact, we got tired of the more expensive toys not lasting as long so my husband suggested trying it. You may think the bristles are too hard and would hurt but they don't. Use lube, and hold it against the skin lightly. Anyone can buy a battery operated toothbrush and no one would be the wiser.

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I am a 17 male. Every year my close friend from Switzerland comes to India and everyone (his friends) goes to his house to meet him. But there's a couple of people including a girl. They do not seem to enjoy my company. And unfortunately they have a quite high social standing. I mean the girl has a lot of contacts. Besides when we meet she has a huge say in whatever we do. So I cannot lock horns with her. Basically she's a mean girl. She basically ruled the high school I used to go to. I used to be a good friend of her but God knows what happened. I used to get invited when he came back the first time. The second time I wasn't called and they made a text group without me. She thinks taunting and teasing me is her inherent right. In other words she's also a bully. This bullying doesn't stand for me alone,but for me I get a 'special' treatment. A good friend of mine who's in the same group (and my neighbor) knew this. He would let me know when they are meeting the next time when he comes and I would gatecrash the meeting and try to win them over because I want to get my image to be better in front of them. I want to be in their good books so that the next time I won't get treated the way I do. If you think that I should try to get in a new group and new friends there is a very high possibility that she would know that group and also try to ruin my chances with them as she has done before. But does this plan sound idiotic? Or should I keep my distance? I need your advice.

Who knows what makes one person dislike another so much that they would treat them horrible. I was in HS, a senior and my sister a Freshman. She invited her friend Tammy over one Saturday. Big surprise, her sister who was a sophomore came along with her, nothing else to do for her. She didn't realize i was the older sister. I had never met her, only knew of her from watching her dqnce in a dance ensemble at school assemblies, where it was a talent show or something else. She had never met me. I did not try to befriend her, only acknowledged her presence and greeted her and then went to my room where I was busy making something creative. My sister came to me alone a few minutes later to warn me. She told me the older sister of her friend had said that she hated me and that I better stay away from her while she was there.
This isn't the same situation as yours except for the part of a person disliking another for no good reason at all. I have seen this happen as an adult. I could be in a group and meeting someone for the first time and feel the dislike and even stronger feelings from someone I was just introduced to. Adults however don't usually do anything outward to show their dislike. Now remember, I hadn't opened my mouth yet, it could only be my looks or how I dressed and I could care less about trying to please everyone all of the time. this is however more of a thing with teens. I just wasn't the normal teen and didn't let it bother me. I knoew back then that I only wanted true friends. And a friend that truly knew me and cared about me would not believe the words of a trouble maker who said bad things about me. I remember changing primary school when little and all the girls surrounded me and every one of them told me not to talk to Tina, that she was a terrible person. Well, I knew this Tina lived next door to where we had just moved. I did the opposite of what they said. I ignored and didn't try to follow them as friends because of their behavior and tried to spend time getting to know Tina. SHe was nice enough but we didn't feel drawn to each other as friends, we were too different and had nothing in common other than being in the same class. So I know what it is like on both sides, being disliked and being asked to dislike someone. None of this makes sense, never has to me, why a person would fight so hard to be accepted by people who would never make a true close friend. The close friend isn't someone you find in great numbers, like having 10 or 20 best friends, usually its only one or two and on rare occasions a third person who is a close friend. And that is what I had in school, two or three at a time who were good friends.
I do understand it could be harder to find friends if having to be concerned about being in the same class of people.
My impressions are that if this guy from Switzerland whom you state is a close friend, if he truly was, he'd want to see you and if the group couldn't treat you nice, he would find a way to spend some time just with you and not tell the others so they don't know what they missed. Unless you can't invite just him to your place or go to his place just the two of you if the two of you are from different classes. I see this as something you can do now, a workable solution.

Is there anything you can change about this girl or the others, other who keep silent and wont speak up because they would fear being picked on as well. No, there is nothing you can do to change another person. There is a saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to drink. The horse may not want a drink and will resist you. Its the same with people. If a person or several want nothing to do with you and you go crashing their meetings or parties, it will only make them pick on you more. You do not have to prove to anyone that you are worthy of being their friend. The right people will want to be friends, no matter how you look, how you talk, laugh, how you dress or what class you are in.

So why is this girl so mean? I believe it has a lot to do with the brains ability to have empathy, caring, understanding, patience, seek things that are worth seeking, have more good sense for decision making. Unfortunately, this only happens with the adult brain, not children or teens. While your body has changed and become like an adult body, the front lobe of the brain is behind in growth. It won't be mature until a person is at least their mid twenties or older. So about age 25, to 30 before this part of the brain is working. Before that point, many, actually most teens make crazy decisions that hurt them or others. They are mean and don't think about the other person, or hurting anyone. They might be very nice people when this part of the brain is finally mature in them and then starts the learning process of how to make better decisions.

This girl I am sure must be closer to your age so I doubt she is 25. You did say she was in school with you. So I am positive that she is not yet old enough to have a mature brain that can help her choose to be a better person each day than the day before. So lets say she will someday in the future change but not right now. Will you go crashing parties, trying to win everyone over to liking you, when this girl is not capable of changing yet, so you are willing to face bad treatment year after year and go back for more.
I've heard it said that the definition of the word 'insanity' is to do the same thing over and over again yet you expect different results. That means if you go again and again forcing yourself upon them when not invited, but you figure that maybe next time they will be convinced to like you, and you go the next time expecting different results, you are basically going in circles rather than making any progress with them. Its not going to happen, especially since they can't even reason that maybe they need to change or improve on who they are. I would advise to keep away from trying to find a group of people to try to become friends with. All you will be is an acquaintance which is knowing a person only from seeing them in a same situation as you, such as in same school room together, or at the same job. That is an acquaintance, someone who you know a few things about but you don't really know them. All you are to probably most of them is an acquaintance because a best friend will care about how you feel and not want to be around anyone who treats you badly and will decide to avoid the group and stick with you. Until you meet someone like that, you may have only those who say they are a friend but don't know how to or want to do it, be a friend, do friend like, caring things for you. As you mature you will learn that people you used to change out with and call friends were not friends, not enemies either. They were somewhere in between, not in one camp, not in the other.THey operate from a feeling of what you can do for them, not what they can do for you which is what a friend is always thinking. When someone ridicules you and talks bad about you in public, that is called verbal abuse. I married a man who was like that a month after we got married. He showed his true self which was verbally abusive, cold and unloving. We had children so I stayed until they grew up and then I got divorced. I was doing the same things hoping for a different end result the next time, so as I said earlier, that is a sign of being a lunatic. So I admit that at one point in life, I was being a lunatic. I choose to let him control me, and verbally abuse me. What I had to learn was I had to totally love myself 100 percent. And staying in a bad marriage, meant I didn't care if I had to hear terrible emotional crushing words all the time. I might do pretty good and love myself 98 percent of the time but in this one thing, I was taking action that proved where my heart and mind where really at. Once I realized that choosing to subject myself to more ridicule and insults, was choosing to make myself have to endure it, to experiment it every day. I credit God with helping and guiding me. So I would ask you, Do you care how you are being treated? If deep inside it bothers you or hurts you, then you are emotionally being hurt. Do you really want to put yourself in situations where you are going to be treated badly, insulted, ridiculed. It was what I was doing. I never really stopped to think about it. But one day, I did stop and think about what I was doing to myself, and I realized, I would like it if my best friend were in my situation, and I would advise her to leave. But I couldn't say the same for myself at first. Now I see that without consciously thinking about it, I had made a decision after all, a decision to not think about how much I loved myself and whether I was doing things that showed how much I love myself. Its not that I can say I love myself, but can I really be the action behind the word 'love' yourself. Words are too easy to think and speak, but it is which harder to take consistant actions that show how much they really love you. Yet there are people in the world, who will call you friend, but they will not treat you as a friend. My husband was treating me worse than his own friends. And as my husband, he should have been my safe haven, but he wasn't. It took me 30 years of marriage before giving up on him and realizing the loving thing for myself is to remove myself from that marriage to him. I made a decision to never ever again allow myself to be in a situation where I am being verbally or emotionally abused. So if I were at a party and someone I did not know started werbally beating me over the head, I would choose to let the hostess know why I had to leave, and then leave. But I would not stay and let someone use me as their verbal punching bag. I was finally ready to really love and care about myself and where I was, married to him, was a statement that I was not really loving myself in that one area. But it was too much and took a lot of stress out on me, I was physically ill in many things until after I finally left him and then divorced him. My children are now adults and see how I am a happier person without him and see he still has the same bad traits today as he had when they were growing up. Yes, there will be some people who get older but their mind never matures to level headed adult brain. So you can find people like this girl you mention, all through out your life, and they will be of all ages, and as bad as or worse than what you have already seen and experienced. It is time you think about how you are treating yourself. Get to a place where you are truly loving yourself first, before caring and loving a friend or family or partner. Sometimes we learn better by experience than by warning and avoiding. I can't say if you will decide I was wrong and you know someday you will get this girl and all the others to all of a sudden, all of them at the same moment in time, come to see you in a new light and they find their self attracted to wanting to become a friend of yours. Described like this, It doesn;t sound like a very good plan, does it?
If you decide to keep trying with these friends, doing it with whatever plan you are expecting to happen, thats okay too. You will learn things about true versus false friends. You will learn how to spot another person in your future with the same traits and avoid getting to know them. That has happened to me. Going on dates before my second marriage, and after about 4 dates in public, I was invited to dinner at his home. When I got in the door, he asked me to forgive the the mess and began to use racist words and terrible insults to a woman. This was the same kind of talking about or to somebody, that is abusive behavior. It would be a short matter of time before this nasty abusive streak turns its attention upon me. I told him sorry but I dont feel any chemistry even after all these dates and say sorry but this is the end. And I have done it.

Just think of which people are better friends than the others you call friends but dont lift a finger for you. I am thinking the friend in the group who is basically passing information on to you in secret, like a spy, is some one who cares enough about you and this situation and wants to help in any way he can think of. So he tells you when and where a gathering is so you can show up even though not invited. Your friend who is helping you may or may not be doing the best thing in your situation but it is his feelings behind the actions you should give thought to. Is it the actions of person who doesnt care one way or the other what happens to you, and then there is the person who knows you well enough to know how they can supoort you and your dreams, to love and care about them just as a person, as a friend. I know which you would rather have for a friend and I know that day will come to you, no matter if you go the shorter road or the longer road of experience by staying in a situation in your life that is there to help you make a decision and change your direction in life.

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Hello. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I caught him cheating on me several times before we reached our 3rd year together. And now we are in a long distance relationship, and I just found out now that he is being bullied as chickboy with his friends on their groupchat and i jumped into a conclusion that maybe he had a fling with his classmate (girl) 1 year ago? Should I still be with him? We are already planning for our future and both our families are in good terms already. He is responsible in many ways and I can feel that he loves and cares for me but I can also feel the fear inside me.

Bear with me, because it wont feel I am answering your question, however I will be the long way around to give you some information first that will help make my answe and that of the other advice giver make sense.
Some people are monogamous and some are not. Serial monogamy is one person ending many relationships to go on the next and the next, not cheating but switching to someone new when they get that itch for something different. Some pretend to be monogamous, that they only want to be with their one person but deep inside, their very nature cries for more different experiences. In this type of person, most are cheating because its done without knowledge or permission. Then there is such a thing as a core relationship but both partners have agree to see others on the side, and yes, there are women like that but not many. Also there is polyamory where something like this takes place but in the latter two situations, each partner has knowledge of, maybe has met and approved of the other loves. It is then not the mentality of another partner better but simply different. These kinds of relationships are very rare. I've personally known people who had open marriages or were polyamorous. Of course, these people were okay with and their partners okay with having multiple lovers at the same time or over time. If you are monogamous, you will never be happy with a person who isn't. The fact he had affairs several times while dating you, proves he is not monogamous. He might be monogamous but is just doing the stupid thing because he can. Often however it goes deeper to a core need deep down or how the person is wired.

So why would a a guy who is not monogamous choose to have a monogamous girlfriend, rather than the female who is open to all sorts of other setups?
Because these other types of women are hard to find and it isn't exactly the easiest subject to bring up. I did ask several women who were polyamorous, how they got started with their boyfriends or husbands. In most cases it was husbands with their wife doing this but it was the wife who proposed the idea to their husband. But as you can see in what I just wrote, the two had to talk about the subject. A guy dating a gal, for whatever reason, maybe he likes some of her traits, or is there for consistent sex when he can't find a hot date for a night, does so because he doesn't even want to think about hunting for a gal who is okay with it.
Your womanly instincts are likely what has you on edge, not able to relax, on the alert due to fear. You don't want to live your life this way. Unless you feel you'd be okay having him as your core relationship, the one you set up house with and you also have other lovers on the side, not just him, its best to not go there if you know you can't do that and let him go. But for you to be sure you've done everything you can, just have a talk with him and bring up the subject of monogamy or dating others. Ask him for the truth to make sure you both are on the same page. He won't likely share the truth for fear of losing you. But the fear may not be because he loves you the way you think he does. A man who is unconditionally in love with a woman, won't ever want, desire or sneak off with another woman. I have a second husband who is like that. I laarned along the way that what I thought was love from the first husband was not even the kind of love I just mentioned which is the only one that truly works where a couple is still in love with each other til their last days on earth. My first husband has impossible to meet conditions that he wanted from me, to pretend he loved me. He never did and admitted that to a counselor near the end of the marriage. He was asked if he was in love with me and dodged the question several times trying to point out lots of made up faults of mine along with one or two things I wasn't good at, but not a fault. When pinned down and asked again and again, he finally admitted after 30 years, he'd never been in love with me...only loved a quality or two of mine, like how good a mother I was to the kids. In reading up on what other psychologists had to say about relationships, love is a strong word and often people use it to describe their reaction to a certaion thing, food, place, etc. I love cheescake, I love gardening, I love sunsets, but the difference between that kind of love which is loving some, not all aspects of a mate, is definitely not the unconditional inlove situation. Why? Because if for some reason we can't have that dessert, or any of the other things, including people we say we love, we would be able to go on easily without it, it wouldn't feel like we lost a part of ourselves. Being in love when its about people, because folks arent in love with things, means that they love without conditions, so no matter how much the outside of you changes over the years, you still are in love with who they are on the inside. This kind of love is so strong that it hurts you to see your partner hurt over something that happened to them and its worse if one finds out they have innocently without knowing, hurt their partners feelings. This is a supportive love, where they are also each others best friend and one who knows them better than anyone else. A love where you want to do special things for each other, bring home gifts, little things like their favorite chips or dessert just because you know how pleased they'd be when they were out, and ran some errands. This is the kind of love where either partner, while acknowledging that a person they might see is eye candy and hot looking, you don't want sex with them because they are not the same as the partner you have, on the inside. So although you may think this guy truly loves you, he doesn't. Affairs and being in love are equations that are total opposites. So I can only know that if he loves you, it is for convenience, or he likes some aspects about you but if you died in a car accident tomorrow, he wouldn't mourn your loss at all or for long and find it too easy to move on and find someone new. I have the kind of love where if something happened to one of us, the other would mourn the loss til the day they died.

If the kind of love he has for you is good enough for you, then stay with him but I'd suggest not having kids with him, only with someone who is in love and with that kind of loves comes the commitment you want. Kids shouldnt grow up seeing two parents who are not in love. That messed up my now adult kids and is affecting how they live their lives.

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I am a 17 year old boy. In school I used to like a girl. But she didn't reciprocate the same feelings for me. And strangely I was okay with it. I was confused as I was going through a bad phase. Also I saw her as my motivation. When College started (We both were in same college) I didn't want to lose her. So I made attempts to stay by her but no use. I eventually gave up and moved on When my friend came from abroad (he and she are best friends) my best friend called me and my friend (who is also my neighbour and we all were in same school) she taunted and teased me. I discussed this with my friend and he said that she is socially powerful and she has contacts. He said the only way to settle this is to patch up with her and be friends. Now she has a bad image of me in her eyes. What should I do. Should I patch up or leave??

The description you got of bullies from solid advice is true. Pesonally in life, I found that when I reacted hurt or retreated further or tried to speak up for myself, a bully considers that the pay off for acting as they do. And they do it because as said before, they are insecure. I wouldnt want to date a person like that nor can such a person be a very close and best friend. But they can go from bully to a casual friend you see sometimes.

Its up to you which you wish to try, telling her what she says and does is hurtful and to please stop or choose a different tactic. Telling her to stop is admitting that she hit a nerve. She's unhappy for some reason and is in a mode of self dispisement, maybe little or no confidence and so on. And she knows what it feels like to be picked on so she will only be encouraged to do more like she does. I was shy and introverted as a child and teen and I made an easy target because those who are hurting won't pick out an outgoing confident person because the person would be too much of a challenge. So I would like to suggest what I have learned to do in these cases. Learn to become confident ( if you aren't, let me know and I have a simple exercise for you to try that worked for me). I'll pick an easy one. I was teased for wearing glasses, and I didn't respond at all, just turned and went another way. that was like them winning so they kept it up. Then the bullying began, all sorts of degrading things said, shoved, pushed and a line of their friends with them locking arms so I could go down a hallway in HS to get to my class, etc. I learned after I graduated what to do and it worked. I learned to use humor because it makes you sound more confident, not responding in a sad or angry way or with no expression at all. All those never worked. Humor brings people together when they can laugh at things they all have dealt with. So in answer to being called 4 eyes, I would reply, heck 4 is too low a number because I have so many eyes, I look like a potato. I call my skin tags my other eyes you see. So if you like, call me potato, as that fits better. And no one wanted to call me potato because it wasn't their idea and the fact that I laughed when they did something like that made me not fun as a target of theirs anymore. They found the pay off was not going to happen with me. So If you want to try my way of dealing with this, I suggest you find ways to adapt humor into your responses. They may tease for a while but it drops off pretty soon because its no fun to try and bully a person who is more secure and confident than them. If by chance you do want to work on self confidence, do a search for dragonlfymagic and write to me from my column as its the only way I can respond further to you. I cna't respond where you leave a rating.

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I'm 30/F. A year ago, I was released from prison after spending five years locked up. Before my prison stint, I'd never been into women sexually, but during my time there I entered into a relationship with a fellow inmate. Since my release, I'm still into women and have virtually no interest in being with a guy. My family haven't exactly been supportive. They say my time away has messed with my head and I need therapy. But if I'm okay with this, why shouldn't I continue dating women? So what if I wasn't exactly born this way? What do you all think about this? Am I making a mistake here?

In prison theres no chance of having hetero sex so you adapted. Your parents can't make you do anything you don't want since you are an adult. Often parents worry when they want grandkids badly and a child of their either doesnt want any or is in a same sex relationship and don't plan to adopt. So you never know whats driving them.

You had to adapt at a young age, I assume in your twenties or even earlier. This is the time most people are learning about what they like sexually and are drawn to but you may not have had a chance to experiment. If you have never been with a man, there may be just one right for you, who is accepting of your attraction to females. This attraction may last your life, it may not and you and I can't know what the future holds. But I want you to know there is another option. I have known through a female neighbor who was bi, many of her bi friends. I am not bi sexual. But after going out to a club once, I sat and talked with all the husbands while the wives were dancing with each other. The husbands were straight and did not have sex with anyone but the wife. However they were okay with her being bi and needing to meet to hook up with females on a regular basis, some of those long term female romantic relationships. They told me that the women were generally not interested in men at all, just him. So it is possible to meet and fall in love with a man and marry and still have a female lover as well. As time goes by, you will either experience attraction for one special man or not. In the meanwhile, enjoy the path you are on and don't let anyone else tell you what is right or not. I suspect any intelligent counselor would never try to tell a client who they should bed attracted to and their sexual choices because we all know that in todays world, it is okay to be of any sexual orientation or not.

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My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately. It started after I had my baby and became a stay-home mom. After several months, he asked me to go back to work so that I could help with the bills. I did not have many options, so I did a short course and then took a job in the health field. It turned out to be completely different from what I expected. I won't mention what the career is, but I will say that I dealt with verbal abuse from clients, and even ended up in the hospital when one physically attacked me. The company I work for does not care and said, quote, "We don't have time to worry about every single employee." I quit, and am completely turned off from this field altogether. If I work for another company, I think it will be the same thing due to the population I work with, and I don't think it's worth my emotional well-being. Even though I had a terrible experience, my husband was upset that I quit. I asked him to give me some time so I can find a new job, and I know the economy is not great right now so it may take a while. But he thinks that I need to be responsible and go back to the job so that I can take care of myself. But isn't that what spouses are for? If he were in my situation I would work over-time and cover for him until he could find a new job. He can afford to take care of us, he just doesn't think he should have to. I feel abandoned and wonder why he doesn't support me while I'm home taking care of OUR baby. He thinks that I'm just making excuses because I don't want to work and says that his mother had two jobs while she was raising him. Is he right? What should I do, and how can I make him understand me?

My first husband was like that. I was a new mom and took one sick day for child, one for myself later and was called out by boss saying that since I now have a child, I really should consider being a stay at home Mom. A couple weeks later, I was called in to see my boss in her supervisors office and they were blaming me for something I did not do. They were needing to downsize and doing all sorts of things like this to all of those there the longest who were earning more, therefore the false accusations. I knew another long timer in my department who was treated the same. It got worse and I went home to tell Husband, in tears. He knew me better than them. He should have known I would never do what I was accused of. He told me I must have done something really wrong and told me whatever it was, it was my fault and I should keep working and shape up my act. He was more interested in my paycheck to add to our budget than me. He treated me as if I was guilty, no compassion or empathy. What I learned over the years and long past two more kids, is that he was never in love with me. A psychologist asked him while i was there for appt and hubby finally admitted he loved me as mother to his kids but was not in love with me. So he was saying he was grateful I made him a father but he had never been in love with me. Your story reminded me of mine in a way, especially with your company first not caring about you as an employee when they said, "We don't have time to worry about every single employee." And then your husband upset that you quit after you had been verbally and physically abused. (I should add that the ex I am talking about was verbally abusive himself) What I've learned is that a person who operates in life through love, caring is not going to choose to act in an unloving manner every once in a while. Those glimpses one gets that don't seem to fit the person are actual signs that who you see is not 100% genuine. You are seeing a glimpse of what is hidden deep inside the person, a lot of it that hasnt bubbled over to be plainly visible. I always thought a bad way of acting had been a fluke or found plenty of excuses to explain away his actions. While it is true that when money is tight, people can experience panic, distress, depression or simply lash out in frustration and so yes, I understand some people will have problems if they need two paychecks to make ends meet and be upset. But he should never have been upset with you. Your welling-being should be his first and most important concern. Jeez, you got hospitalized after being attacked on the job. I wonder what his reaction was then. Either way, it was quickly forgotten or dismissed. mY 2nd husband would never have been upset with me for quitting, he would be glad and instead of mad at me would say I did the right thing and tell me not to worry because a saying of his, he says all the time, "Money comes, money goes. And it keeps coming and keeps going." Money and things can be replaced but the person you are unconditionally in love with can't be replaced. So either your husband loves you but is screwed up on some things and needs to attend marriage counseling with you, or he really doesn't love you enough to make it work for you, just enough to work for him. With the pandemic, there are more and more couples discovering they have issues being in each others presence so much. Many relationships are getting quite rocky and I've seen plenty on the computer of people splitting up. Hopefully it won't come to that and its not a matter of not being in love with you. If he is consistently a person with good traits and has never ever, I said Never Ever treated you like this before, then counseling should help. But you can't ignore and hope it gets better on its own. If something isn't working, then doing the same thing you've always done will not give you new or better outcomes. I learned that the hard way and it took me 30 years to be brave enough to leave and divorce. Just keep the following in mind for the future. Comparisons with his Mom who didn't live during the same times as you when raising kids, it was all so very different, still hard to make ends meet but still do able. Today, no matter what we do, it will never be enough to have our own home. I know two examples of two families with children sharing a house rent together because they cant afford one on their own, not owning just renting and the children are all school age. I don't know the answers for how to make ends meet while the pandemic is still going. But I do know the long term effects on a child who witnesses one parent verbally abuse the other. As a result my 3 adult girls were all affected. One vows to never marry or have kids and her boyfriend is a milk toast and lets her be the one to lead so shes okay as long as he keeps talking in a soft faint voice, and lets her do the deciding and leading. Another married a great guy off the bat but due to her dad as example, thought a husband should be worse. So she divorced, married again and again too nice a guy, so she married a third time, and this one is a sociopath, not my way of discussing him but from knowing his mother now who has shared innocently what the childrens dad was like and he is a psychopath, admitted to her he killed someone and also tried to kill her long after a divorce. My daughter choose the worst possible guy for a husband. The last one did best but her hubby suffers PTSD and so far I see mild verbal abuse toward my daughter but none towards the children. He's a good father at least, My ex wasn't even that. I know this is long but I had to show you what I've experienced and learned. Be careful because your child will pick up on whether Dad loves his/her Mom. They see and hear everything, every kiss, love pat, discussions in normal tones without yelling, the I love you's spoken and the special things each one does for the other.

This is the long answer to your question if your nusband is right. After reading what I've written, I hope you can see that he is not right and the problem may be more than just the financial ramifications.
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I currently am an undergrad student living with my boyfriend in New York state. I go to college here and am originally from NJ (about 3 hours away) I moved in with him once my school closed around March because of Covid and the day before my school closed we adopted a dog. I was volunteering there and met him first. Absolutely fell in love with him and I told my bf to come in and meet him (we has been discussing getting a dog for a bit). We ended up adopting him together. My bf paid the adoption fee and license since the apartment is in his name. However, this is where is gets confusing. After living with him for some time (this is the first time we've lived together) I started noticing attributes about him that I really don't like. It's not even like a small, correctable thing it's like things I knew before but didn't realize how bad it was until now. For example, he is terrible with money. He works full time (he recently just went back to work full time because of Covid) and can not save any money for the life of him. It really bothers me because I am very practical, independent, and having something to rely on is VERY important to me. There are some other little things but in short, after almost two years I just feel in my gut it doesn't feel right anymore. Theres something I can't put my finger on but I just know that I'm not happy anymore and that there's some things that I don't want to settle on. I've thought about breaking up with him and moving back home (I only live three hours away and my mom/family really wants me to move back). The problem is I know he would fight me on taking our dog. But I feel like it would NOT be fair to my dog to leave him in the apartment all day every day while my boyfriend is at work while I'm not there. My dog needs a lot of exercise and training (we also don't have a yard) so these are things that my boyfriend can't realistically give him while he's working 40 hours a week - if he could, I would be willing to let him have him half the time and me the other possibly. The idea was that when living together if he was at work, I could come over and be with him and we would take turns so he wouldn't be alone for that long and we would provide for him together. That won't happen if I'm not here and hes at work. the other problem is that he's not good with money (and when I say not good I mean not good). I can provide for my dog as I always have (my bf pays for treats and food, etc. but so do I) I also pay for his vet visits which as people know aren't cheap. I don't think its fair to my dog to leave him all alone in an apartment and the fact that my bf sometimes struggles with money. I just won't leave him, its not an option. I really think its best to bring him home where I'm from (that's where I would be going anyway) and have him stay there with me. I'm not sure if im even going back to school next semester because of Covid, and if im not, all the more reason to have come with me because Ill be there. Even if I wasn't there and went back to school for a bit (I have one year left) my family is there to watch him and take care of him when Im gone. I just wouldn't feel right leaving him with my bf if we broke up. My bf is going to try and claim its his dog because he paid the fee/license, however, I take care of the dog currently while hes at work. I feed him, play with him, take him out, schedule his doctor appts, pay for vet visits, etc. How do I make the move to break up AND successfully take my dog? I'm really not happy anymore and feel like I need to make a change. My boyfriend is also not in college like me. He is older than me and just works full time near where I go to school. I'm worried he's going to actually threaten me or do something spiteful if I try and take him.

When couples, married or not, break up and there is a child or a pet, the issue becomes who gets custody or whether it will be shared. As you pointed out, the man is wrong for you. SO I understand wanting to break up. So the title is not what to do about the relationship, but what to do about the dog.

I agree that sitting in an apartment all day is not good for most dogs. Some little dogs are able to cope and use those absorbent pads to go potty on. But the less time a dog is alone is better. We had a greyhound/lab mix when my kids were little. He needed to be able to run, a lot. However I was home before 3 when the kids got off school and so it wasn't all day and he coped just fine. It depends on the dog. As you told your story, it sounds like you were the one who met and wanted the dog, told the bf who made it possible. Sounds like he wsa doing this more for you, not that he was the one with feelings for the dog. But if you left, I could see him fight to keep the dog just out of spite. What is needed if it gets ugly is to talk to a lawyer. Yes, I know its expensive but they all do pro bono work (free) at some point. One question I have and won't skip over as I am a parent myself, is whether you are assuming or have asked and got their okay that the parents will take over care of the dog when ever you can't for at least a year, until you are out of school, have found work, and a place to live. Since we can't foresee the future, there is no way to know if and when you'll find work and whether you can then afford to take care and responsibility of the dog in full. Its the same as whether you are ready to accept full responsibility and care of a child of your own. You can't return a child. Pets are family members too though some treat them as a possession they can get or give away any time they want. Perhaps you jumped too soon on committing to being a pet owner so life will not be as simple as it was before.
Wondering where the parents live and if its okay with them. If you haven't asked, better ask now. They may say yes now because they love you but if the burdon of taking care of the dog falls mostly on them later, your good intentions or not, they either may have to adopt the dog as their own or ask you to take it or find a new home for it. My ex had a dog when I met him. At least he said it was his dog but the dog he got before thinking it through meant he couldn't care for it while in school and after where he rented with a friend from church, there weren't dogs allowed, so the time stretched on and where we first lived when first married, was another place where pets weren't allowed. The years stretched on and he wasn't earning enough and couldn't find work with his degree so he went back to school. By then his parents were too attached to give him up and the dog grew old and died while in his parents care. So we never had that dog. You can't deny it will never happen to you. Sometimes people even meet someone they fall for but the timing isn't right, or distance is involved and the plan is to marry someday but things change in the meanwhile. What if the man you eventually meet and fall for is allergic to pet dander? Or if he is totally against having a dog? Or you have to take any old job because you can't find one with your degree and never do, just like my ex? That job may not pay enough for you to barely take care of yourself let alone a pet. I am just speaking reality here. I hope that all goes well but I also look to what possible scenarios can occur, so I am not blind sided by them. Most schools are all doing the on line thing, even colleges and my son in law is doing just that right now from their apartment. So if you can continue school from a home, and your parents are willing to have you come home, then its a matter of packing and leaving when the bf is not there. If you do not have your own car, it becomes a headache because you have to find a way to get you and the dog over there. The normal travel by plane, train or other public transportation is likely not available due to the pandemic. So it might involve having your parents come to get you. Once you are away, you write the bf or call and let him know you have left him. Have him itemize with copies of receipts from vets and guesses on the cost of bags of food times how many for what he has paid so far in dog care and have him give you that amount and let him know you will pay him back in amounts if need be. But you must do it in ways you can prove the payments were made if the bf agrees to it. I don't think he'd just let you walk off with the dog if he's paid half the care and fees. So I suggest a cashiers check or certified check and heres a website with that info on both. https://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/certified-check-vs-cashiers-check-which-safer/

If he wants to fight for the dog, your only option then is getting a lawyer and you will have to pay those fees unless its pro bono so the off timing of getting this dog may bite you in the end, but if you really want to own this dog, it must be done. I wish you the best

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So I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost 1 and half years now. I was a single parent when i met her and we are what we think an amazing couple. Very alike yet still different in the right ways. Talk out almost any and all issues. She came into my life embracing my daughter and even planning days to spend and bond with her. Well covid 19 happened as we all know and my daughter for 2 months was stuck at her mothers since I was still working and going into work. Well over that time of quarantine my girlfriend moved in. All was really good but then my daughter was able to re enter living with us on shared time. Well my girlfriend over these past month and a half has been distant at times. We talked about it and me hoping they would still build on there strong bond but she says she has a sense of jealous towards my daughter. She feels almost out of place at times and i try hard to integrate but sometimes it comes down to "youre her dad so you do that or take care of this." She also tells me how lucky I have 2 sources of love with her and my daughter. I just feel blind sided and beside myself over it all. How do I work this out? im a male of age 30

You said you and her were dating before Covid while your daughter was still with you. So this woman already knew of your daughter. I can give plenty of things that cross my mind as reasons why she seemed okay in the beginning but not now.

I also realize that she must be close to your age and age 30 or anything close late twenties to early thirties is a time in a persons life when they re-evaluate who they are and who they want to become. Where they may have been putting on a display previously, acting as they feel people wanted them to be, and did things they felt made them feel accepted, that all changes for people around this age.
It is possible she met you just when she was approaching this time personally for her. She could have still been in the mode of pleasing others rather than finding first, or even discovering how she truly felt about things. This is all a guess on my part of course and it could be something else.

You do need to know these possible but maybe not true things to have a conversation with her, to talk out this issue if you both are truly good at that. First you will have to accept that she may not feel exactly as you think she does about you and the daughter. You may have to give her permission to speak the truth which she may be afraid to share, especially if she feels the truth may jeopardize her relationship with you. She did mention jealousy which is good but she may not have examined exactly what is causing it. When I say I am making a fruit salad, the ingredients will vary according to whats on hand and my whim. It is not compromised of one item only called fruit. Fruit is the umbrella term. So is Jealousy which is a fear of loss. There are many different fears that fall under the emotion we named Jealousy. So this fear is real to her. And you need to have a talk. She may not come out and say what it is, especially if she doesn't know as its buried deep in her conscious mind. But what you can do is ask questions that are closed ended meaning she can only answer yes or no. For example:
"you seemed to not be jealous of my daughter in the beginning, only recently and more specifically around when Covid started. So were you simply pretending in the beginning that it was okay with you. Theres no wrong answer, you can tell me. (but you must remain supportive and not show any anger or frustration or her fears may cause her to shut down.) She may have thought she just needed time to come to love your daughter as her own and when covid hit and people become house bound, there is no escaping what ever we have kept hidden in the past, it will come out. She may simply find she is unable to bond with your daughter but not want to tell you for fear of losing you. If she knows its okay with you that she can't develop a bond but is at least good to your girl, then perhaps something can be worked out but you would have to ask point blank what she may not be willing to say as in "Are you having trouble building a bond with her as in feeling love for her even though you didn't give birth to her? Because that wouldn't change how I feel about you and I cant think of leaving you over that. Of course, if you do have issues with it, then you can't be saying such things. But I am sure you will find the questions to ask her and get to the truth. There are couples who come to love the child they adopted, no matter at what age, baby or older. The child can still get the love bond it needs with birth Mom and you, as long as the girlfriend cares about the daughter as another human being such as offering to fix her up when she has skinned a knee. If she hasn't had kids of her own, the maternal instincts may not have been activated in her. Some have it without kids and others need a child of their own before it happens and that is ok to admit.
If she didnt care about you, in 18 months, she'd have left you long ago. SHe cares but is scared of something, likely of losing you, maybe to Covid with your being out there instead of hiding at home. So whatever bond you feel there is, don't assume its strong and good, just ask her. She may have decided some things abut her life and who she is. What if she had decided she never wants to have children. I met a young woman who was so sure of that, she and her husband both had the surgeries to prevent having kids. And she still feels it was right for her after. So if this woman wants you but never intended to be any kind of Mom, even a step mom, then you have some things to compromise on. Like not expecting her to fill the mommy role, the birth Mom will. And her hearing how much you want her to be a part of your life. She may simply be one of those women who want to be married by now and since you aren't, that leaves her mind open to distorted thoughts that you may not love her enough and therefore the feeling that when push comes to shove, you'd choose only your daughter, not both of them. IF I understood correctly, the daughter is shared by both you and your ex. And thats what I am basing my thoughts on. If not correct and I am missing a big part, then please share and I will do what I can to have a better answer for you. But to contact me only again, you must search advice columnists, find me, dragonflymagic and write to me from my column. Wishing you a happy solution.

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Im a trans-male and i am straight. But i am not attracted to straight girls and i like the personality of bi girls. I do not want to fetish Bisexual women but i just would like to only date bisexual girls. Straight women for me "act different" and i am not attracted to that. Im sorry if I am being rude to bisexual women but i just need to know if its okay to only be attracted to bisexual girls. Thank you

Your situation is not the most common but just because it is rare, doesnt make it wrong. There are rare plants and animals in our world, hardly ever seen by the worlds populace.

As long as in your own mind, you don't feel it is wrong to be transgender or have specific sexual orientations, then the first step is already done.

So, yes its okay to like or be attracted to bi women. I had a neighbor lady who was bi and married but her husband took her to clubs where she could hook up with other bi women for the evening. So speaking of bi, is nothing new to me though I am straight.

I think that what has you most concerned deep down is how to truly find a partner or girlfriend. Granted, in your case, it may be quite a bit harder than it is for most people, being that you are not in the majority. So I am suggesting you try a chat sit or dating site for LGBTQ people. If you go with one for just Transgender or bisexual, you may not find someone who is willing and okayy with both. Even regular dating sites will have a spot for you to check regarding your sexual orientation and even though mine was checked for straight, I had bi or lesbian women contact me from time to time. Its where I met my 2nd husband. So If I were you and I wanted to find someone that met my limited criteria, I would go to the internet for help finding them. Good Luck!

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A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I got into a fight about me going back to work, because he's worried about the risk from COVID-19 and I work in a hospital. We eventually reached an agreement and I promised him I'd stay safe, let him know about my shifts, immediately stop working if my hospital admitted a case, and immediately stop working if the virus spread rates started getting too high. The cases are "too high" now, and he wants me to stop working and hold to my promise, but if I do it now, then I'll lose my job because prior to all this, I hadn't worked in 3 months due to the lockdown and wanting to keep my parents safe. He says he can't trust me anymore because I can't keep my promise, and I said I never should have had to promise to begin with, that he should have just trusted me to handle my own terms of employment. I told him it feels like he's being controlling over this whole thing and he got upset with me because he says he'd never try to control me.

I know his concern and actions are just from a place of care and that he just wanted me to be safe, but I can't help but feel a bit trapped. I don't want to break my promise and I feel awful that I put myself in a position where I wouldn't be able to follow through on a promise - I realize now that I never should have made it, because I didn't take into account that I might have to quit so soon... That's on me and I realize that, and I don't want to lose his trust, but I also feel like he's being a bit unfair to me here. I don't really know what to do

If there were two people who started a business together and were partners, then every little decision and financial move must be decided on together. There'd be one angry partner if the other did something without talking it out first with their partner, or if agreements with promises were made, but one decided not to stick with the agreement because they changed their mind. Covid is only showing you where your life and your love stand right now. In a relationship, we want security and to be able to trust each other. We do best if we think alike. You both do not think and reason alike because you both fought over this issue first. Then something happened to bring about the agreement. Did you agree only to get him off your back and truly did not still agree with him? Or had he said something that changed your point of view so you now agreed with him totally?

My guess is that deep down, maybe even in your subconscious mind, you did not agree or plan to go along. If so, this would mean that your awake self and subconscious self may be at odds and in disagreement and that is another whole thing to be concerned about, but likely will get no attention as the issue of having an income is more important right now. I can't say what is best for you to do but I am sure that being truthful for once is what you must do, even if the worst possible thing may happen, that he decides to leave you. My husband and I will at times not be able to come to an agreement and will sometimes go with his plan, sometimes with mine with of course one partner going along but still not in agreement that its the best move. For us, if his plan I went along with failed, I am quick to remind him I had foreseen this happening and had warned him. So next time, he goes with my plan on the same issue. Theres a give and take, a natural bending of ones ideals. No one knows the future and we dont either so we make the best decisions together and if we agree but it still doesnt turn out and we hit snags, we don't blame each other as both of us couldn't see it coming.
It sounds like in your case, he forced you to make a promise. If thats true, then you made a promise you didnt want to make, coerced into it, by his words, actions or your fears of losing him if you didn't comply. If you did lose him over this, then it was love but not unconditional love. We can love aspects of things or people. I love cheescake for the creamy texture and taste. Its a favorite dessert. But I am not unconditionally in love with cheesecake. When applied to a person, one can love aspects like the sound of their laugh, their looks, how easy they are to talk to, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty daily stuff of relationships, we have to do more than say we love and the in love with, type of love is unconditional love. That means whatever happens, you will still love and support that other person no matter what. My 2nd husband treats me like a Queen. The downside is he has gained a lot of weight. Yes, it doesn't look nice but I am not dwelling on conditions like, If you dont lose it all, I will leave you. Same for you as, if you continue to work in a hospital, I will not be happy with you, fight with you and maybe get mad enough to leave you for good. While that sounds bad to you considering ones feelings for the other, emotions alone won't help you both to be able to last for the long haul. Even though in a relationship, you are still single for now and that means you can make decisions, the big ones like this for your own life without his agreeing. You have probably made up your mind already but just want to be able to sort out all the ways this could affect you both. I am betting that not you but he was the one who brought up the issue of you working when Covid cases were spreading. I agree its scary to have a loved one go into a dangerous situation but I also bet he did talk any other options for you if you did quit. In essence, he wanted to change a little part of who you are. He is unable to be comfortable with you doing what you do. This is the same as a woman dating a man who is a police officer and suddenly his job has become a lot more dangerous, and so she decides she can't be with someone just in case she were going to lose him, rather than committing to and enjoying whatever years they do have together, even if the worst possibilities become reality. I can understand him not wanting to see you die from the virus. But trying to make a partner change to be exactly what you want them to be is unfair and actually has nothing to do with love. I know as my first husband wanted to change a lot of things about me when me first married. I changed the color of my hair but no matter how much he brought it up, never did the boob job. He required my toning down of my personality so that in the end after leaving him and reading my diaries of when I was a teen and young woman, I could see how I had changed into someone totally different from who I used to be. Either we find someone we are okay with, not wanting them to change, and accepting of their spots and wrinkles or we should choose to move on and look for that person who is a better match for what he wants. I understand that well and made a list the 2nd time, looking not just for what I wanted but also needed. A need is not negotiable. Its like a woman wanting kids and marrying a guy before she finds out, who never wants kids. There is no compromise, you cant have half a child, same as you can't work in the hospital and be 100 % sure you will never catch covid. A compromise is supposed to be both getting al little of what they want but not all, and coming up with another plan. So have that talk about another plan with him. If he is unwilling, then you might ask what he will do if you continue to work at the hospital. He might stay but constantly harrass you and treat you bad out of his frustration. A man should find a woman whom he knows he can be supportive of all she does, from job to mothering children to creating a home, crafts, music, or singing talents, and the list goes on. My husband beleives it is part of a mans role in life that has long been forgotten, with woman being the one to mold herself to her mans wishes and demands. More like caving in, but then you're not happy. If you can't be doing what you feel you were born to do, you will be unhappy, so carry on with your work but have that talk. Either he will apologize and decide to become supportive or he will stay and make life a hell for you for going against his wishes, Not the plans of both of you, but his wishes. Or he go just decide to leave you. At worst case as it may seem, there may be someone more supportive understanding who will be unconditionally in love with you in your near future.

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