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Gatecrasher
I am a 17 male. Every year my close friend from Switzerland comes to India and everyone (his friends) goes to his house to meet him. But there's a couple of people including a girl. They do not seem to enjoy my company. And unfortunately they have a quite high social standing. I mean the girl has a lot of contacts. Besides when we meet she has a huge say in whatever we do. So I cannot lock horns with her. Basically she's a mean girl. She basically ruled the high school I used to go to. I used to be a good friend of her but God knows what happened. I used to get invited when he came back the first time. The second time I wasn't called and they made a text group without me. She thinks taunting and teasing me is her inherent right. In other words she's also a bully. This bullying doesn't stand for me alone,but for me I get a 'special' treatment. A good friend of mine who's in the same group (and my neighbor) knew this. He would let me know when they are meeting the next time when he comes and I would gatecrash the meeting and try to win them over because I want to get my image to be better in front of them. I want to be in their good books so that the next time I won't get treated the way I do. If you think that I should try to get in a new group and new friends there is a very high possibility that she would know that group and also try to ruin my chances with them as she has done before. But does this plan sound idiotic? Or should I keep my distance? I need your advice.
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Who knows what makes one person dislike another so much that they would treat them horrible. I was in HS, a senior and my sister a Freshman. She invited her friend Tammy over one Saturday. Big surprise, her sister who was a sophomore came along with her, nothing else to do for her. She didn't realize i was the older sister. I had never met her, only knew of her from watching her dqnce in a dance ensemble at school assemblies, where it was a talent show or something else. She had never met me. I did not try to befriend her, only acknowledged her presence and greeted her and then went to my room where I was busy making something creative. My sister came to me alone a few minutes later to warn me. She told me the older sister of her friend had said that she hated me and that I better stay away from her while she was there.
This isn't the same situation as yours except for the part of a person disliking another for no good reason at all. I have seen this happen as an adult. I could be in a group and meeting someone for the first time and feel the dislike and even stronger feelings from someone I was just introduced to. Adults however don't usually do anything outward to show their dislike. Now remember, I hadn't opened my mouth yet, it could only be my looks or how I dressed and I could care less about trying to please everyone all of the time. this is however more of a thing with teens. I just wasn't the normal teen and didn't let it bother me. I knoew back then that I only wanted true friends. And a friend that truly knew me and cared about me would not believe the words of a trouble maker who said bad things about me. I remember changing primary school when little and all the girls surrounded me and every one of them told me not to talk to Tina, that she was a terrible person. Well, I knew this Tina lived next door to where we had just moved. I did the opposite of what they said. I ignored and didn't try to follow them as friends because of their behavior and tried to spend time getting to know Tina. SHe was nice enough but we didn't feel drawn to each other as friends, we were too different and had nothing in common other than being in the same class. So I know what it is like on both sides, being disliked and being asked to dislike someone. None of this makes sense, never has to me, why a person would fight so hard to be accepted by people who would never make a true close friend. The close friend isn't someone you find in great numbers, like having 10 or 20 best friends, usually its only one or two and on rare occasions a third person who is a close friend. And that is what I had in school, two or three at a time who were good friends.
I do understand it could be harder to find friends if having to be concerned about being in the same class of people.
My impressions are that if this guy from Switzerland whom you state is a close friend, if he truly was, he'd want to see you and if the group couldn't treat you nice, he would find a way to spend some time just with you and not tell the others so they don't know what they missed. Unless you can't invite just him to your place or go to his place just the two of you if the two of you are from different classes. I see this as something you can do now, a workable solution.
Is there anything you can change about this girl or the others, other who keep silent and wont speak up because they would fear being picked on as well. No, there is nothing you can do to change another person. There is a saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to drink. The horse may not want a drink and will resist you. Its the same with people. If a person or several want nothing to do with you and you go crashing their meetings or parties, it will only make them pick on you more. You do not have to prove to anyone that you are worthy of being their friend. The right people will want to be friends, no matter how you look, how you talk, laugh, how you dress or what class you are in.
So why is this girl so mean? I believe it has a lot to do with the brains ability to have empathy, caring, understanding, patience, seek things that are worth seeking, have more good sense for decision making. Unfortunately, this only happens with the adult brain, not children or teens. While your body has changed and become like an adult body, the front lobe of the brain is behind in growth. It won't be mature until a person is at least their mid twenties or older. So about age 25, to 30 before this part of the brain is working. Before that point, many, actually most teens make crazy decisions that hurt them or others. They are mean and don't think about the other person, or hurting anyone. They might be very nice people when this part of the brain is finally mature in them and then starts the learning process of how to make better decisions.
This girl I am sure must be closer to your age so I doubt she is 25. You did say she was in school with you. So I am positive that she is not yet old enough to have a mature brain that can help her choose to be a better person each day than the day before. So lets say she will someday in the future change but not right now. Will you go crashing parties, trying to win everyone over to liking you, when this girl is not capable of changing yet, so you are willing to face bad treatment year after year and go back for more.
I've heard it said that the definition of the word 'insanity' is to do the same thing over and over again yet you expect different results. That means if you go again and again forcing yourself upon them when not invited, but you figure that maybe next time they will be convinced to like you, and you go the next time expecting different results, you are basically going in circles rather than making any progress with them. Its not going to happen, especially since they can't even reason that maybe they need to change or improve on who they are. I would advise to keep away from trying to find a group of people to try to become friends with. All you will be is an acquaintance which is knowing a person only from seeing them in a same situation as you, such as in same school room together, or at the same job. That is an acquaintance, someone who you know a few things about but you don't really know them. All you are to probably most of them is an acquaintance because a best friend will care about how you feel and not want to be around anyone who treats you badly and will decide to avoid the group and stick with you. Until you meet someone like that, you may have only those who say they are a friend but don't know how to or want to do it, be a friend, do friend like, caring things for you. As you mature you will learn that people you used to change out with and call friends were not friends, not enemies either. They were somewhere in between, not in one camp, not in the other.THey operate from a feeling of what you can do for them, not what they can do for you which is what a friend is always thinking. When someone ridicules you and talks bad about you in public, that is called verbal abuse. I married a man who was like that a month after we got married. He showed his true self which was verbally abusive, cold and unloving. We had children so I stayed until they grew up and then I got divorced. I was doing the same things hoping for a different end result the next time, so as I said earlier, that is a sign of being a lunatic. So I admit that at one point in life, I was being a lunatic. I choose to let him control me, and verbally abuse me. What I had to learn was I had to totally love myself 100 percent. And staying in a bad marriage, meant I didn't care if I had to hear terrible emotional crushing words all the time. I might do pretty good and love myself 98 percent of the time but in this one thing, I was taking action that proved where my heart and mind where really at. Once I realized that choosing to subject myself to more ridicule and insults, was choosing to make myself have to endure it, to experiment it every day. I credit God with helping and guiding me. So I would ask you, Do you care how you are being treated? If deep inside it bothers you or hurts you, then you are emotionally being hurt. Do you really want to put yourself in situations where you are going to be treated badly, insulted, ridiculed. It was what I was doing. I never really stopped to think about it. But one day, I did stop and think about what I was doing to myself, and I realized, I would like it if my best friend were in my situation, and I would advise her to leave. But I couldn't say the same for myself at first. Now I see that without consciously thinking about it, I had made a decision after all, a decision to not think about how much I loved myself and whether I was doing things that showed how much I love myself. Its not that I can say I love myself, but can I really be the action behind the word 'love' yourself. Words are too easy to think and speak, but it is which harder to take consistant actions that show how much they really love you. Yet there are people in the world, who will call you friend, but they will not treat you as a friend. My husband was treating me worse than his own friends. And as my husband, he should have been my safe haven, but he wasn't. It took me 30 years of marriage before giving up on him and realizing the loving thing for myself is to remove myself from that marriage to him. I made a decision to never ever again allow myself to be in a situation where I am being verbally or emotionally abused. So if I were at a party and someone I did not know started werbally beating me over the head, I would choose to let the hostess know why I had to leave, and then leave. But I would not stay and let someone use me as their verbal punching bag. I was finally ready to really love and care about myself and where I was, married to him, was a statement that I was not really loving myself in that one area. But it was too much and took a lot of stress out on me, I was physically ill in many things until after I finally left him and then divorced him. My children are now adults and see how I am a happier person without him and see he still has the same bad traits today as he had when they were growing up. Yes, there will be some people who get older but their mind never matures to level headed adult brain. So you can find people like this girl you mention, all through out your life, and they will be of all ages, and as bad as or worse than what you have already seen and experienced. It is time you think about how you are treating yourself. Get to a place where you are truly loving yourself first, before caring and loving a friend or family or partner. Sometimes we learn better by experience than by warning and avoiding. I can't say if you will decide I was wrong and you know someday you will get this girl and all the others to all of a sudden, all of them at the same moment in time, come to see you in a new light and they find their self attracted to wanting to become a friend of yours. Described like this, It doesn;t sound like a very good plan, does it?
If you decide to keep trying with these friends, doing it with whatever plan you are expecting to happen, thats okay too. You will learn things about true versus false friends. You will learn how to spot another person in your future with the same traits and avoid getting to know them. That has happened to me. Going on dates before my second marriage, and after about 4 dates in public, I was invited to dinner at his home. When I got in the door, he asked me to forgive the the mess and began to use racist words and terrible insults to a woman. This was the same kind of talking about or to somebody, that is abusive behavior. It would be a short matter of time before this nasty abusive streak turns its attention upon me. I told him sorry but I dont feel any chemistry even after all these dates and say sorry but this is the end. And I have done it.
Just think of which people are better friends than the others you call friends but dont lift a finger for you. I am thinking the friend in the group who is basically passing information on to you in secret, like a spy, is some one who cares enough about you and this situation and wants to help in any way he can think of. So he tells you when and where a gathering is so you can show up even though not invited. Your friend who is helping you may or may not be doing the best thing in your situation but it is his feelings behind the actions you should give thought to. Is it the actions of person who doesnt care one way or the other what happens to you, and then there is the person who knows you well enough to know how they can supoort you and your dreams, to love and care about them just as a person, as a friend. I know which you would rather have for a friend and I know that day will come to you, no matter if you go the shorter road or the longer road of experience by staying in a situation in your life that is there to help you make a decision and change your direction in life.
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