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Rekindling A Friendship
I am 28/f. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy for about 3 years. I think most of the problems we had were because of the distance and we only saw each other twice a year. We had a bad breakup, and then we didn't talk for a long time. He reached out to me but I never answered the phone, and then I eventually blocked him. He was my first love and also my closest friend, so it was hard to move on. But I eventually started dating again, and a few years later I met someone who is now my husband. Everything was ok until one day I got a call from a random number and it was my ex boyfriend. I realized that I was still angry with him, but we had a very long conversation and we both apologized to each other. We basically broke up because I felt like he was too close to his child's mother and I was jealous, but he refused to stop talking to her. I am a mother now, and now I completely understand what he was talking about; everything is for the best interest of the child, and I would never take my husband out of my daughter's life even if we broke up. My ex and I cleared the air, and I feel like I'm finally at peace with the situation. However, he told me that he recently moved to the city that I'm in, and he lives just 5 minutes away from me. I would like to be friends with him because I miss the friendship we had. He was very wise and he gave me great advice about my life and what would be good for me. I would like him to meet my husband and my daughter, but I'm worried that it might be awkward. I also don't want my husband to feel bad, and I don't think he would want me to be friends with my ex. I feel like I'm dreaming because I never thought I would see the day that my ex finally moved here (he had a good job in his city and didn't want to leave it, but I was a college student at the time so I couldn't move to where he was). He admitted that he still loves me, but he also said that he wouldn't do anything to break up my family and that he just wants me to be happy. I trust myself to be around him, but I love my husband so much and don't want him to feel bad in any way. Can my ex and I be friends and hang out together or is that a bad idea?
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I'll start with exs comment at end of what you wrote, that he still loves you. And you knowing that. I have heard this situation before, one person loves another but the other either doesn't feel the same or that and having moved on, dating or married.
In this situation, much as one would think it is a good idea, it ends up short lived and is hurtful. Heres why: He can try to be just a friend and not do anything to hurt the family, but as he sees you, hears your voice your laugh, and expressions, it will grieve his heart, realizing he can not have more than just friendship. If he had no romantic/sexual feelings at all to you, just the friendship, then it could work really well. Your marriage is supposed to be a blend of the two, of friendship first and also both of you drawn to each other romantically and sexually. The sexual part being the only difference means you might be able to just like him as a friend. However if I read correctly, your relationship was more on line than in person. I did online dating apps, its how I met my second husband. I know that it is easy to fall in love with a persons mind. But when I met them face to face for first time, we both realized there was no chemistry between us, even though we liked each others photos. Then others, had all sorts of personality quirks when we met in person that turned me off real quick. I have read up on LDR's and many of those who have been in one, state they found it too easy to doubt the other, because it was too hard to build trust in a person you don't see consistently in person. Also the doubt can be an overactive mind believing in problems that don't exist. But more often the ones at opposite ends, not able to be in person, will long for the warmth of a hug, sweetness of a kiss, and so on, but you can't get that off a screen...so guys tend to easily, more easy than women, be tempted to start a face to face real life relationship with a female while keeping the one they have on line.
Now I will share something that may help you understand why you could say "because I miss the friendship we had. " Life changes and moves on. You no longer hang out all day with the girls you did in High School, because they have moved on with their lives and most will be on paths that take them away from you or you all change enough that you have little in common now.
People change and that can make it tough on the marriage if only one changes. Or your ex, may be remembering the 'you that you used to be. You may have changed enough so the two of you no longer click as friends, or he may have changed, or both. So the question is, how much have you ever talked about your past, past dates, past relationships with your husband and dhow has he reacted. If neither of those things have happened, then put yourself in your husbands shoes and all of a sudden he is wanting to have an old female friend who was his LDR, come visit. You would not be in a good mood, you would not like another female around, even as a supposed friend. You'd feel territorial. So do men. But more likely their male pride as far as what they are able to do for you, provide, protect, and so on, would leave him wondering if he's not good enough. My husband and I are open minded with past spouses whom we tried swinging and polyamory together w ith but have not felt the need to do so in the 11 years we've been together. SO I kind of know what the extra person in the mix can possibly do, both for good or bad.
Unless you already have an open marriage or have talked about each others past, you are not ready to bring an old friend/lover into the mix. Kids adapt well, even if they figure out the guy used to date you. So thats the least of your concerns. My husband and I have talked in detail about our past spouses. We dont go about planning to do so but when I act in a positive way about a situation whereas his ex had come unglued in the same situations, he says how glad he is that I am not like her. And when my husband does not complain about the cost of something I need but in fact does everything he can to give me more than what I just need, I tell him over and over how thankful I am. He is puzzled why I am so over the moon babbling about how wonderful he is in the situation until I tell him it was never so with ex husband and have described it all well. I have met his ex and he has met my ex. We both witnessed our exs acting up and know by the little we've seen that the ex's indeed were the ones with problems.
If you don't have that kind of relationship, being able to do it, I would suggest not bringing it up and not meeting him. Or you could find out how the hubby feels. Tell him an old friend whom you used to date on line and met in person a few times (you must include this part) has moved close by and would like to see you and meet the family. Would you be okay with that. In my case, knowing all he knew of my ex, my current husband had no problem meeting the ex who had been verbally abusive, because he was doing so in the mode of being there to protect me from the ex trying anything verbally and yes, I feel so protected and the ex hasnt dared to say anything bad.
Also, you need to know this bit here, about the foundation of a healthy marriage. Remember I mentioned friendship and a couples relationship having one more thing, the sexual attraction/romantic feelings. Both of these make up a foundation for a marriage or even long term relationship. This does not include LDRs. Most couple have only one of the two. They may have the great sex but the rest of the time fight like cats and dogs. However, the ones who are best of friends, may lack the desire for each other and that can lead to outside affairs. The first one, for lack of someone, who should be their best friend, that they can talk to, will look for that outside the relationship. So if its not a female friend, then a woman is seeking the support and friendship from someone not her husband and yes it goes the same for men. Just be sure this is not the case for you, seeking a male friendship to make up for what you don't have in husband because men wont believe its just friendship and he may end up hurt or want a divorce. So really, you are asking the wrong people whether its a good or bad idea. Its your husband you need to be talking to. If he isn't the kind you can confide in without fear of judgement of argument, then theres a chance you might have paired up with someone not perfectly right for you. Either you make the best of it and suffer the consequences, or go for counselling to find out if there are things that neither of you can see eye to eye on and if its better to patch up or leave him.
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