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Pressure of late adolescence
I am days away from reaching 18 years of age. It’s very nervewrecking because it’m almost in my last stage of adolescence. I know that I still have a lot more to learn, but for the last few days, I feel very sad. Changes will happen for the better, but I feel like it’s overwhelming me more and more each day. My family always keep telling me to “act like a traditional lady” and they always splan everything out for me. I get that it’s part of our culture to appeal and create a good image as a lady, but to me, it’s a bit weird and it sounds like I’m born to impress people. I am willing to grow as a person that I know I will be, and not the person people want me to become. It has taken a toll on me to the point where I stopped doing daily activities that I used to love doing, even freshening up or dressing nicely feels like a chore. I rarely talk to my mother since she’s always busy and she has her own problems too. I don’t want her to have her to listen to me because she might tell me that i’m overreacting and that i should be thankful because she’s still able to feed me. I can take any criticism towards my feelings and thoughts.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Dear Pressured,
It sounds like you are dealing with issues surrounding identity. Time does fly very fast. It can be scary to follow your own path. Like it or not, we have to fit in with society. Still, you also have to be your own person. You have to grow into who you are meant to be.
Some of the things you mentioned here make me think you may be becoming depressed. It sounds like you aren't dressing nicely or reaching out to others as often. It might be time for you to meet new people. Make some new friends who can support you during this time of growth.
It's time to spread your wings!
Sincerely,
Little Owl
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I think there's more to this than the pressures of adolescence and growing up. That doesn't help but it appears that this is a mental health issue to get properly diagnosed. You should see your family doctor. When a person stops enjoying things they love or have a passion for and suddenly stop enjoying life it's a sign that something is wrong.
You may have depression but you may also have a mood disorder. In the case of bipolar disorder a person exhibits depression and has a total lack of interest in things they really enjoyed or every day life. They also have moods that range from very dark, to normal and then into mania which is an euphoria that doesn't die down. In that state you may have grandiose ideas or be out of touch with reality. These changes happen over a course of two weeks and need to remain solid like that this long for it to be bipolar disorder.
Not everyone with the disorder will experience manic episodes as a lot of people have the type where it's just moods rapid cycling from depths of depression back to happy and constantly rapid cycling without relief. Both are treatable as is depression and other mental health issues,
You really need to get before your family doctor and tell him/her exactly what is going on with sudden depressed feelings and moods all over the place and have them figure out whether there is anything wrong and refer you to a psychiatrist to confirm and treat it if there is.
The other thing is to understand your parents mean well but that you have to make mistakes and figure things out for yourself but do so in a way it won't embarass them and that reflects on your culture. Be who you are and let the chips fall where they may as that's really all you can do.
If you go around trying to be the picture perfect image of what you think they want you to be you'll be miserable. You have to get in tune with who you are and your own self worth. You're here to do much more than impress people. You may not know your purpose yet but it will unfold naturally. Forget this other stuff and let yourself be. You don't need to have all the answers either. Nobody truly does.
Also, a lot of times with mental health issues it's quite common that people neglect hygene and appearance or find it a complete chore. Even if your mother is busy she's not too busy to help you. She needs to know what is going on and where all these feelings stem from and for how long it's been an issue. She's the one who can get you to the help you need. It's better to be honest than suffer further with this.
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What you describe feelling sounds lots like depression. Although in your case, unless you only began to feel it as the parents put pressure on you to be a traditional lady, then you do not have 'clinical depression' but the kind that can crop up from a situation in your current life. I know plenty who have had this kind too (including a daughter of mine) and the good news is that you can get over the feeling of not wanting to do anything you used to do, and get rid of that depression. The word depressed also means running low of something, in your case, you have run out of the feel good hormones in your brain. You've used them all up to be able to handle the pressure from parents and once used up, you began to feel depressed. There is a quick way to get them back up and you can feel results instantly. I've used them, my daughter did so I know close up how quick it helps. Before I do, I want to also talk about your turning 18, finishing HS and all that comes with it which in itself can be hard for many teens to handle. You are considered an adult, your friends may move to college, eventually marry, move away for a job or marriage and nothing you knew feels like it will stay the same. Its like being a baby bird and its time to practice flying and the first test is being pushed out of the nest which is not at a safe ground level. You fly or you fall. Its the terror of the unknown, not knowing if you'll be able to spread your wings and learn what life is for you, just you.
You are a bit ahead of others your age as I see in what you said next: I am willing to grow as a person that I know I will be, and not the person people want me to become. Now that is something people go through as they get close to 30 years of age. It is a time when we stop what we've been doing, being the person others like family and friends want us to be, and we start defining who and what we will be like for most the rest of our lives. I married at 20, a time when I hadn't been able to do this yet and so got off track with a husband who verbally abused and I was still in the mode of trying to be the person he wanted, and then he didn't even like what he asked me to be or do. I can tell you that is a stressful way to live. Luckily I eventually experienced enough things to grow despite him, into who I was meant to be, although he slowed me down, but by the end of my 40s, I broke free and began to live as the person I was meant to be. Now another thing to think about and look forward to. I hope this gives you a goal to keep in sight because though teen bodies are mature, there is one thing left in your body that is still not done and is quite immature, the frontal lobe of your brain. Without it, teens have been trying to make good decisions for themselves and always have such mixed results, most of them not good at all. This part of the brain isn't done growing until mid 20s and for some these days, its a little later but the brain does mature and then you are able to make better decisions and judgements, probably why the self evaluation doesn't happen until the late twenties. You're already a step ahead of others.
I am in the dark as far as what culture you are from and exactly what the parents are assuming you should act and look like. If they are talking about some very traditional concepts that may be steeped in religious concepts, it doesn't fit all people and their beliefs. What you choose to follow may not look like what your parents felt comfortable with. You can still be a kind loving person and use your talents in life without adhering strictly to what is taught for a woman to follow in other countries. For all parents, their children won't always want to keep following the rules and mandates they were subjected to as children. And if we're doing it right, children should normally far exceed anything their parents ever did, accomplished, how they lived, worked, their beliefs, etc. I am older with adult kids and can see this already happening. As far as technology goes, they can do circles around me when I have trouble each time I get a new cell phone or computer. You are supposed to go beyond where your parents made it to in their lives. Many think this means financially and yes that can happen but that is not what I am focusing on.
Now how to get those levels of feel good hormones in your brain up again.
Laughter is one that helps. So tune in to movies with your style of humor or listen to stand up comedy on line, read funny jokes and stories.
Hugs: I am not talking about the barely there hug, where the arms hit the shoulders for a second and drop away. Thats not enough time. YOu have to hug, a big bear hug and hold on to that person past the time it started to feel weird or uncomfortable. This is when most people stop. If you hold for longer, you'll feel that euphoria, which is your levels going up. Don't wait for a hug. you cant give a hug and not get one back. Or ask friends.
Movement: The levels can be raised by any kind of movement, hard labor which I did once and felt energized and euphoric after done while resting. But what words good enough is dancing along to a song you like, yes even if you dont feel like it at first. Or in my case, in my fifties I tried skipping like a little kid down the sidewalk, not caring who sees, what they think, and yes, I felt silly and only did it a few minutes but that was all it took. I found myself giggling while doing it and I felt great after.
For last I saved the one thing that works the very best for me even though the others work too. This one is listening to melodies. Its the sound of a melody that will affect me, not the words. An example for me is the song 'Clocks' by Coldplay. While it may not affect others this way, when its the right melody for me, it feels like my heart just got as light as a helium filled balloon and is floating in my chest. So I will listen to and sometimes sing along on songs that do this for me. Whenever I hear a new one that does this for me, I put them all in a file, which you could do on computer or phone and have a playlist titled upbest songs. or name it 'feel good' songs. Let me know how this works for you and if you ever need to talk about issues you feel there is no one else you can talk to about, just find me, dragonfly magic, got to my column and write me. If you do it the way you posted this question, what you wrote goes to every advice giver on the list.
Good luck dear.
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