A wise little owl here to answer all of your questions. Available to give quality insights, honest ideas and kind words.
Gender: Female
Location: Canada
Occupation: Artist
Age: 25
Member Since: July 29, 2020
Answers: 8
Last Update: July 29, 2020
Visitors: 1973
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I am days away from reaching 18 years of age. It’s very nervewrecking because it’m almost in my last stage of adolescence. I know that I still have a lot more to learn, but for the last few days, I feel very sad. Changes will happen for the better, but I feel like it’s overwhelming me more and more each day. My family always keep telling me to “act like a traditional lady” and they always splan everything out for me. I get that it’s part of our culture to appeal and create a good image as a lady, but to me, it’s a bit weird and it sounds like I’m born to impress people. I am willing to grow as a person that I know I will be, and not the person people want me to become. It has taken a toll on me to the point where I stopped doing daily activities that I used to love doing, even freshening up or dressing nicely feels like a chore. I rarely talk to my mother since she’s always busy and she has her own problems too. I don’t want her to have her to listen to me because she might tell me that i’m overreacting and that i should be thankful because she’s still able to feed me. I can take any criticism towards my feelings and thoughts. (link)
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Dear Pressured,
It sounds like you are dealing with issues surrounding identity. Time does fly very fast. It can be scary to follow your own path. Like it or not, we have to fit in with society. Still, you also have to be your own person. You have to grow into who you are meant to be.
Some of the things you mentioned here make me think you may be becoming depressed. It sounds like you aren't dressing nicely or reaching out to others as often. It might be time for you to meet new people. Make some new friends who can support you during this time of growth.
It's time to spread your wings!
Sincerely,
Little Owl
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I had this gym teacher in high school school last semester teaching my gym class who is young, (30 I think) and she teaches physical education and English. She is a pretty cool teacher and nice. We will be about to do the swimming unit. When she was describing what stuff you need to bring she mentioned to the boys in the class (out of earshot of the girls) that with the boys not wearing shirts she can see how you really look and how fit you really are. At the time the boys laughed and nobody cared but I’ve been told by some people a comment like that is wrong and she should have not only got in trouble but even fired. Should she have? (link)
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Dear Should She be Fired,
I think a comment like that is wrong because it could make someone uncomfortable. That said, if nobody was harmed by the comment, I think that it is best to let it go. People make mistakes.
Sincerely,
Little Owl
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Hello. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I caught him cheating on me several times before we reached our 3rd year together. And now we are in a long distance relationship, and I just found out now that he is being bullied as chickboy with his friends on their groupchat and i jumped into a conclusion that maybe he had a fling with his classmate (girl) 1 year ago? Should I still be with him? We are already planning for our future and both our families are in good terms already. He is responsible in many ways and I can feel that he loves and cares for me but I can also feel the fear inside me. (link)
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Dear Confused and Sacred,
I can see that you want to make this relationship work. It sounds like you have invested a lot of time and energy into this. However, this relationship seems to be causing you a lot of mental distress.
Long distance relationships are difficult. Most of them do not turn out. If your partner has issues with loyalty, that will make things even harder. Personally, I think that cheating can be worked through in most instances. I do not think it can be worked through long distance. I would break up.
Best of luck,
Little Owl
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In April, I met this guy on Tinder. I’m 22. He’s 23. He told me he was on the app looking for a friend with benefits. I was looking for a boyfriend. But at the same time I’m not in any rush. He consistently messaged and video chatted for 2 months. After a while he said that he changed his mind. He deleted the app. That he wanted to be my boyfriend in the near future. We finally met in person, went on two amazing dates, then he pressured/guilted me into sex with him on our 3rd date. He said,
“If we both want each other, why aren’t we having sex? You’re playing games. I won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do, but I don’t understand why we can’t have sex. If we stop talking today, I’d have lost a lot of money, which would make me very upset.”
Actually, on that day we first had sex, I was taking some medication that you may have to restart if you’re sexually active on it. I didn’t have health care and I would’ve had to pay out of pocket for more medication and he knew this but didn’t care. This is truly what rubbed me the wrong way. I’m sure he would have paid. But it wasn’t about that. It was the principal, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. I made the mistake of giving it to him. Don’t get me wrong. He had my consent and i wanted to do it, I would have been very happy to do so, just maybe a week later when my medication was done.
What makes it strange for me is that the rest of the time he is amazing; opening every door every time, walking closer to the street if we’re on a sidewalk, always driving to me even though I also have a car, punctual, very affectionate, attentive, polite, generous, gentleman, kind, vulnerable (he opened up to me very honestly about his abusive childhood) and all of these wonderful things. Throughout this whole time all that stuff has remained consistent. Also, he mentions the fact that he can see himself marrying me and having 3 kids together and all these sweet things, but it doesn’t feel right... when he says that it’s either as a joke, or when he’s being serious he doesn’t sound sincere at all.
Sometimes he is not respectful of my wishes. If I’m not in the mood, he will continue. He won’t stop the kissing/rubbing of my vagina/breasts/booty the first time I’d say stop, one day I had to say it and push him away 4 times, then I asked to go home. After that day, I made my decision that I will not take him seriously as a boyfriend like he said he wanted. (I didn’t say that to him lol) But i told him I’d like to continue to have sex with him, and now we are sexually exclusive.
We planned a resort for just the two of us July 28-30 and he will have access to my body for 72 hours. obviously what he wants is sex for that whole time. It sounds great. This will be my first experience taking a vacation with a man alone! Despite having been manipulated and pressured into sex I feel completely safe and taken care of with him. I’m not used to being pampered and taken care of like he does for me. He paid for my birth control and he always surprises me with food and gifts and does so many things for me.
Which is also why I felt like I HAD to sleep with him or I was afraid he would have felt used. I grew fond of him before we ever met in person. All the video chats were long and I got to know him pretty well.
But instead, I feel taken advantage of and manipulated. I like this guy enough to keep seeing him, and he wants to be exclusively sleeping with me and in a relationship, but this feels like it’s better off as a sexual thing. Or, maybe even nothing. I feel like he would be abusive and manipulative if we continue as a couple... I’m not sure how i should feel or what i should do.
My question is,
Should I cancel this vacation? I would like to enjoy a sexual relationship with him but the question is, does he deserve it? Or should I continue sleeping with him for my own reasons and benefit, regardless of whether he’s worthy or not? Should I leave him after the vacation if i do go? I enjoy the sex very much. I just don’t enjoy the energy he puts around it. Like he’s paying his way to my body, and if i don’t do it there’s something wrong with me..... Please help. My head hurts (link)
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Dear Should I Run,
If you are looking for a boyfriend, I would focus on that. All you have right now is a sexual relationship. This guy should be ashamed that he uses guilt to pressure people into sexual relationships. It doesn't sound like he gave much thought to your health care needs either.
It sounds like this guy is not ready for a relationship. One minute he is pressuring you for sex, the next minute he is saying he wants to marry you. This is a guy that does not know what he wants. More than that, he sounds like he crosses the line into sexual assault when he continues when you ask him to stop. I understand that most of this has been consensual, but that doesn't mean that all of it has. I want to congratulate you on sticking to your boundaries and being very clear with him despite his disrespect.
At the same time, you have gone above and beyond to make him feel good. He took advantage of this kindness. He may want a relationship, but he doesn't sound like a caring boyfriend. It sounds like he is lacking maturity and that he is mentally unwell.
You need to stop seeing this guy. I understand that you care about him and that the connection is there. That said, I do not see this having long term potential. He is not worthy of you, and continuing to sleep with him for your own benefit will only waste your time. It may be enjoyable, but you are wasting time that could be spent with a man that you prefer.
Even if you care about him and enjoy the sex, his actions are abusive and this whole thing is time consuming.
Take care,
Little Owl
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This man i met from tinder is regularly video chatting with me to keep me company in the quarantine and we get along well. But he does this strange thing, he is always telling me how great he is... to the point where i get uncomfortable.
He says things like “Every girl that has ever left me always came back to see if we could try it again but i don’t see any point in taking someone back who took me for granted”
“My ex keeps video chatting me and showing me her breasts and her butt and her vagina and all i ask is ‘how is your mom doing?’ “
“I take care of my friends so well to the point where if one of my friends tells me he is going through a financial struggle, i would take a GROUP of my friends out and pay for ALL of them so that my one friend won’t feel like I’m giving him handouts”
I’m not sure if these are good examples, but he sounds like he’s trying to convince me to be with him because no one has seen the value in him but him. It’s become a red flag in my eyes. There’s something wrong here but I’d like to know what exactly. (link)
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Dear Selling Himself,
It sounds like you do not like this guy telling you how great he thinks he is. It sounds like you may have reason to be concerned. When people go on and on this way, it shows that they are very insecure. He sounds like he needs a lot of attention. It sounds like he is trying to tell you what a great guy he is, but you are correctly identifying that a man of value would not need to do this. This is a red flag. It doesn't mean he's necessarily a bad guy, but I would definitely keep an eye on this. As far as the additional information you gave about him not paying for his own food, I would avoid paying for him in the future. It sounds like he is so self absorbed he has decided you should pay for his stuff.
Best of luck,
Little Owl
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I have been talking to this guy for 4 months over quarantine and we met recently. I had a great time on our first date and we recently went on our second date, which was kayaking. I really like him and had a great time but something has been bothering me... He told me over text that he was the type of guy to always ask permission to kiss or touch a girl in anyway because of how respectful he is. He knows that I really liked that about him. When we went on our second date he had asked me how i felt about a guy slyly grabbing my hand. I said thats fine as long as you don't pull any sly moves with me...
The date goes on and we are waiting for our kayake. He knew I was scared because i've never been so he put his hand around my lower waistline. I was taken by surprise because he told me he was the type to ask... I wasn't uncomfortable with it, let it happen, and thought it was cute but just thrown off a bit. Then as he walked me to my door we both stood their and he went in to kiss me. I instantly stopped him and said "I thought you were going to ask me?" He said "I am sorry you're right and then asked me" I then let him kiss me 3 times (just pecks) and he touched my lower back as he kissed me. Again I thought it was cute but still a little thrown off... I was in an abusive relationship in the past and it has made me become very overly protective with my body. He knows I have been through a lot with guys but i haven't opened up to him about it yet. I explained to him how I felt about this and he was very understanding. He felt very bad and explained to me how it would never happen again if I gave him another chance. He also said how sorry he was and admitted it was a honest mistake and just loves to show affection. He explained how he forgot to ask to kiss me and swore he will prove to me that he is a true gentlemen. I really like him because he is very caring and hes fun to be with... Am i overreacting? should I give him another chance? Would this be considered assult? please help i can't stop thinking about it :/ (link)
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Dear Dating During Quarantine,
If you want this guy to ask before touching you in any way, shape or form, you are going to need to communicate that to him. If you are uncomfortable, you need to set a boundary. It can get confusing if only the man is communicating. He may be the type to ask 80% of the time, but you also need to be the type to speak up when he forgets to ask. Even a man who is very committed to consent may forget to verbalize. This is not assault. Communication is a two way street. Women need to communicate their needs as well.
Best,
Little Owl
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I am a 28years old married woman and the only child to my parents. I am very close to my parents, especially my mom used to be my whole world before I got married. Things have changed a little bit now as I spend all the time with my husband in abroad far away from my friends, relatives and parents. My parents have a faulty marriage. Initially after their marriage, mom was abused and ill-treated by my dad and his family (typical Indian Joint family) but after my birth my parents moves to another city (close to my material grandfather's family and their relatives) due to my dad's office posting and started as a nuclear family. Now my mom got entangled by her parents and brothers family issues. They used to involve her on every family related problem and she was made to go to their house to resolve every issues. After years of using my mom's help and wasting her energy my maternal uncles and their wives also insulted her and being such inhumanly ungrateful that they absolutely deny all my mom's contribution to bring peace in their otherwise troublesome lives. I have witnessed all these wrongdoing and mentally as well as physically taxing situations that my mom has to deal with. I tried to make her strong in giving back answers when others try to insult her. I fought for her. I have stopped communicating with so many ingrate relatives as they treated my mom with no respect. I protested for her rights. I fought many times with my dad for dominating my mom. But its been a few years now that I have started noticing how my mom tries to provoke guilt in me when I don't support her. She makes me feel that I am becoming like those ungrateful relatives who insulted and denied her contributions in their lives, that I am becoming ungrateful and like others I am forgetting all her selfless sacrifices and contribution in my life. It has become so difficult to discuss her faults with her. Sometimes I feel my dad is right in some aspects where my mom is wrong but I can't tell it to her without a heated up conversation. She doesn't admit her shortcomings. So most of the time I try to avoid discussing any family related issues with her.But she calls me up and keeps complaining about my dad and how he fails to perform his nupital duties. She asks me constantly to talk to dad as it is solely my responsibility to talk my dad into being more serious about life and become responsible. I asked her not to force this burden on my shoulder. But she makes me feel guilty for not paying attention to this trivial family issues. I am fed up. I even feel guilt when spending happy time with my husband. As I consider myself to make my parent's relationship a happy place, I feel guilty to be lead a happy life with my husband because my parents are not happy in their relationship. I know it unfair to my husband. How can I overcome this guilt trip? (link)
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Dear Guilt Tripping Mom,
It sounds like you have been there for your mother as best as you can throughout your life. I can tell that you care deeply about her. You have distanced yourself from toxic relatives on her behalf. You have supported her when things were hard with your dad. You have done literally everything you can.
That said, the pressure on you is too much. It is not your job to agree with her 100% of the time.
It is unfair of your mother to put this much pressure on you. You are not responsible for your parents' faulty marriage. Your mother has chosen to remain with your father. She has also chosen to involve herself in other family members' issues. These are not healthy choices on her part. She also doesn't sound like someone who takes responsibility for her unhealthy choices. She cannot put all of this on you. She is going to have to deal with her own problems.
At a certain point, you are going to have to set some boundaries. At the end of the day, you need to realize that you are a grown woman with your own family. Your mother cannot be #1 in your life anymore. Being an only child can be tough. Marriage can be a big adjustment for anyone, but especially only children. It can be hard for everyone involved to adjust. Still, you deserve happy times with your husband. I agree with you that this family drama is unfair to your husband. I worry that if you continue down this road, you will damage your own relationship. It is up to you to not repeat the family pattern of broken relationships. Think about the kind of marriage you want and focus on that. Every minute you spend worrying about your relationship with your mother is a minute that could be spent building up your marriage.
Best of luck,
Little Owl
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two years ago i have been going to a place that is like a school for adults with special needs and last year i have been asscoiated with some girl who is two years older than me but doesn't act it and she is also stubborn and when i told her that i did not want to see stuff on her phone she tried to correct me with yeah you do and i had to put up with her alot and when she and her mom rhode with me and my mom she tried to get me to listen to a cd that i did not want to listen to and she asked me way too many questions and some that were stupid about meeting everyone in hr family and i do not want to put up with her forever is there way to remove this person from my life ? (link)
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Dear Getting Someone Out,
I hear that you are feeling frustrated by this girl. It sounds like she is annoying you. Asking a lot of questions and being stubborn are not very good traits.
That said, you mention that you go to a school for adults with special needs. This means that everyone in your school has skills they need to work on. You probably also have social skills you need to work on. Try not to be angry at this girl. Be polite when you see her. Say hi and be friendly.
That said, you do not need to be close friends with anyone you are uncomfortable with. I would suggest you start by talking to your mom and asking if you could ride to school separately. Try not to see her outside of school. It is healthy to have boundaries.
Let me know how it all turns out!
Little Owl
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