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Thankless Job & Relationship
My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately. It started after I had my baby and became a stay-home mom. After several months, he asked me to go back to work so that I could help with the bills. I did not have many options, so I did a short course and then took a job in the health field. It turned out to be completely different from what I expected. I won't mention what the career is, but I will say that I dealt with verbal abuse from clients, and even ended up in the hospital when one physically attacked me. The company I work for does not care and said, quote, "We don't have time to worry about every single employee." I quit, and am completely turned off from this field altogether. If I work for another company, I think it will be the same thing due to the population I work with, and I don't think it's worth my emotional well-being. Even though I had a terrible experience, my husband was upset that I quit. I asked him to give me some time so I can find a new job, and I know the economy is not great right now so it may take a while. But he thinks that I need to be responsible and go back to the job so that I can take care of myself. But isn't that what spouses are for? If he were in my situation I would work over-time and cover for him until he could find a new job. He can afford to take care of us, he just doesn't think he should have to. I feel abandoned and wonder why he doesn't support me while I'm home taking care of OUR baby. He thinks that I'm just making excuses because I don't want to work and says that his mother had two jobs while she was raising him. Is he right? What should I do, and how can I make him understand me?
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My first husband was like that. I was a new mom and took one sick day for child, one for myself later and was called out by boss saying that since I now have a child, I really should consider being a stay at home Mom. A couple weeks later, I was called in to see my boss in her supervisors office and they were blaming me for something I did not do. They were needing to downsize and doing all sorts of things like this to all of those there the longest who were earning more, therefore the false accusations. I knew another long timer in my department who was treated the same. It got worse and I went home to tell Husband, in tears. He knew me better than them. He should have known I would never do what I was accused of. He told me I must have done something really wrong and told me whatever it was, it was my fault and I should keep working and shape up my act. He was more interested in my paycheck to add to our budget than me. He treated me as if I was guilty, no compassion or empathy. What I learned over the years and long past two more kids, is that he was never in love with me. A psychologist asked him while i was there for appt and hubby finally admitted he loved me as mother to his kids but was not in love with me. So he was saying he was grateful I made him a father but he had never been in love with me. Your story reminded me of mine in a way, especially with your company first not caring about you as an employee when they said, "We don't have time to worry about every single employee." And then your husband upset that you quit after you had been verbally and physically abused. (I should add that the ex I am talking about was verbally abusive himself) What I've learned is that a person who operates in life through love, caring is not going to choose to act in an unloving manner every once in a while. Those glimpses one gets that don't seem to fit the person are actual signs that who you see is not 100% genuine. You are seeing a glimpse of what is hidden deep inside the person, a lot of it that hasnt bubbled over to be plainly visible. I always thought a bad way of acting had been a fluke or found plenty of excuses to explain away his actions. While it is true that when money is tight, people can experience panic, distress, depression or simply lash out in frustration and so yes, I understand some people will have problems if they need two paychecks to make ends meet and be upset. But he should never have been upset with you. Your welling-being should be his first and most important concern. Jeez, you got hospitalized after being attacked on the job. I wonder what his reaction was then. Either way, it was quickly forgotten or dismissed. mY 2nd husband would never have been upset with me for quitting, he would be glad and instead of mad at me would say I did the right thing and tell me not to worry because a saying of his, he says all the time, "Money comes, money goes. And it keeps coming and keeps going." Money and things can be replaced but the person you are unconditionally in love with can't be replaced. So either your husband loves you but is screwed up on some things and needs to attend marriage counseling with you, or he really doesn't love you enough to make it work for you, just enough to work for him. With the pandemic, there are more and more couples discovering they have issues being in each others presence so much. Many relationships are getting quite rocky and I've seen plenty on the computer of people splitting up. Hopefully it won't come to that and its not a matter of not being in love with you. If he is consistently a person with good traits and has never ever, I said Never Ever treated you like this before, then counseling should help. But you can't ignore and hope it gets better on its own. If something isn't working, then doing the same thing you've always done will not give you new or better outcomes. I learned that the hard way and it took me 30 years to be brave enough to leave and divorce. Just keep the following in mind for the future. Comparisons with his Mom who didn't live during the same times as you when raising kids, it was all so very different, still hard to make ends meet but still do able. Today, no matter what we do, it will never be enough to have our own home. I know two examples of two families with children sharing a house rent together because they cant afford one on their own, not owning just renting and the children are all school age. I don't know the answers for how to make ends meet while the pandemic is still going. But I do know the long term effects on a child who witnesses one parent verbally abuse the other. As a result my 3 adult girls were all affected. One vows to never marry or have kids and her boyfriend is a milk toast and lets her be the one to lead so shes okay as long as he keeps talking in a soft faint voice, and lets her do the deciding and leading. Another married a great guy off the bat but due to her dad as example, thought a husband should be worse. So she divorced, married again and again too nice a guy, so she married a third time, and this one is a sociopath, not my way of discussing him but from knowing his mother now who has shared innocently what the childrens dad was like and he is a psychopath, admitted to her he killed someone and also tried to kill her long after a divorce. My daughter choose the worst possible guy for a husband. The last one did best but her hubby suffers PTSD and so far I see mild verbal abuse toward my daughter but none towards the children. He's a good father at least, My ex wasn't even that. I know this is long but I had to show you what I've experienced and learned. Be careful because your child will pick up on whether Dad loves his/her Mom. They see and hear everything, every kiss, love pat, discussions in normal tones without yelling, the I love you's spoken and the special things each one does for the other.
This is the long answer to your question if your nusband is right. After reading what I've written, I hope you can see that he is not right and the problem may be more than just the financial ramifications.
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