(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
Okay I'm a singer,
But ive started smokeing a few months ago.
is there any way i can like not get it.. how do i say this..
without it sounding stupid. haha uhh.. smoke but not letting it
affect my voice THAT much. but not quiting? sounds like a stupid question
but i'll ask anyways
The Answer
Nope.
You are smoking. You are inhaling tar, ash and a whole host of other unpleasant things. There is no way to smoke ciggerettes (that I know anwyways!) without inhaling. Either you quit, or you accept that what you are doing is going to damage your voice.
Of course, smoking as little as possible and taking care of your voice in every other way (ie giving it proper rest, avoiding dairy and drinking good tea and such) might make the damage happen slower, or even be less noticable, but nothing is going to stop the damange.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
A few years ago I met this guy in college and I had sex with him. He was a terrible guy though and I wanted him to leave me alone. He did for the rest of college and for the last two years. But I got a call yesterday from one of his friends. They said, "Amber. Do you remember Ronnie?"
"Yes," I said, "the guy that was a complete and total mistake?"
"Yes, yes. He wants to get back together with you."
I hadn't even thought about Ronnie in two years and I hadn't seen him since college. I don't want to date this horrible man. He is really bad you don't even want to know some of the things that he has done. So I said, "No. I don't want to date him or even see him again. I don't want to put up with his bull shit."
Ronnie's friend said, "He is very passionate about you don't be that way."
"The only reason that he wants me back is because everyone he dates realizes that the only reason he wants to date them is to fuck them."
I hung up after that. But today, I got seventeen calls from Ronnie's friend and an e-mail that I can't put on this website. What should I do? I don't want this to turn violent. I need advice.
The Answer
If it is Ronnie's friend who is pressuring you, tell him very clearly, in an e-mail (e-mail is fantastic for these things btw, because it leaves a permenant electronic record for the police, if they need to become involved) that you do not wish to speak to Ronnie ever agian and that you don't not want him calling you about this or e-mailing you about this anymore. Tell him that you have been perectly clear with him and his behavoir is now agressive and frightens you, and that if continues to harrass you about this subject any more you will need to get the police involved.
Ronnie's friend might think he is just being playful. He needs to be informed this is dead serious and not funny.
If it is Ronnie himself who sent the e-mail, tell him the exact same thing.
Now for the harder part: Tell your closest friends, parents, roommate and possibly employer. You don't need to be explicit, but tell them there is a guy who is harassing you and you are getting a bit fearful. Let them know that you are handling it and are prepared to go to the cops as soon as that line is crossed, but in the meantime you'd apperciate it if they would be espcailly diligent in not letting strangers around or giving out any of your personal information, no matter how well-meaning the person might seem.
Most abusive males (well, and females for that mater) try to isolate the victim, and keep them too afriad or shamed to speak up. The best thing you can do is this: One, clearly state to him that you will not tolerate this behavoir any longer. Two, save all voicemails and e-mails for the police, and three, tell everyone close to you what is going on.
As soon as Ronnie or his friend cross the line by threatening you, contining to call and e-mail excessively despite being told to stop, or showing up at your home or workplace, simply call the cops and explain to them what is going on.
In the meantime, just be strong, and lean on the people who care about you for support.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
does anybody know, if you have unprotected anal, can you get an infection even if you are 100% sure you and your partner are clean? we have both been tested, and i think we might soon, so i'm just looking for the facts, should he still wear a condom? or is it ok? is it ok if he cums inside me?
any information would be very helpful!
thankyou!
The Answer
Even if you believe your partner and yourself to be free of STDs you can still develope infections. The anus was just not designed for that activity, and it can tear or get cut, and of course those wounds can develop infections.
Also, urinary tract infections and yeast infections are common, espcailly in women who engage in anal sex, because of the bacteria that gets disturbed and spread around during the act.
Lastly, he should wear a condom to protect you both agianst unwanted pregnancies. The anus is designed for output, and it will leak. It would certainly be possible to get pregnant in that way.
There are lots of sites out there with the details of how to go about it, so I wont bother with that here. Use google. But if you are going to go ahead with this, accept that it will be a VERY slow process until you can do it without discomfort or harming yourself. You MUST stop if you are in pain and you shouldn't rush it. It will take a long time of practice before it's enjoyable. If you can't do it without hurting yourself, then you can't do it, plain and simple.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
16/f/bisexual
okay.so i know this is gonna sound bad but please just give advice
so my girlfriend is 14 and a half
my mom found pictures we had taken of eachother not naked..but close
now shes saying we could get sued for stagatory rape?
idk this just doesnt make since to me
help me?
The Answer
Your mother is wrong, those pictures cannot be used as evidence of statutory rape and there are very, very few states were a 16 year-old and a 14 year-old involved in a sexual relationship is illegal.
HOWEVER, some teenagers have been charged with the possession of child pornography or pornographic images featuring a minor for taking photos of thier signifigant others who are also underage.
The laws says no erotic photos until you are 18. So don't take any, and don't posses any of someone under 18. It simply isn't worth the risk (as I am sure you've learned now).
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My girlfriend and i are moving into a apartment together in Augest and i'm overly worried about having enough money. Whats a good amount to have saved up to move out on ones own?
Thanks
The Answer
The ammount of money you should have saved depends almost entirely on your expenses and income.
However, as a general rule it is recommended for you to have enough money in savings to live for at least 3 months without any income.
So, add togeather all your projected expesnses (rent, gas, food, ect.) and multiply it by three. That is the ammount of money a finacial planner would suggest you have.
Of course, few people actually have enough to live for 3 months without any income, however, it is still a good goal for total finacial safety.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
First of all, I'm 18, bisexual, and in an open relationship (mainly because I'm not willing to commit to one person yet). In other words, I'm dating three people at the same time. They all know that I am seeing other people as well, and they're okay with that, so don't give me trouble about the open relationship thing. Also, I'm being safe about STDs/pregnancies, so yeah.
I used to be in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. It was not an open relationship. Basically, once we had sex, that's what the focus of our relationship was. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having sex with him. But I want more, like being about to hang out and have a good time without making out or taking off clothes. He's one of the guys I'm currently dating now because I really want this to work out with him (the whole not just having sex all the time thing).
My question is, how can I do this? I don't mind having sex with him at all, even if it's every day. But maybe a few hours of nonsexual activity beforehand.
Another quick question. I'm considering settling down with only one of my partners. The thing is, all three of them are only available to see me about once a week due to their busy schedules, which is not enough for me. Help?
The Answer
The simple truth of life is that you can't have it all.
Many, if not most, adult couples are lucky to see eachother once or twice a week. Life is a busy endevor. Once of the sacrafices we make when we are in a committed relationship is having to neogatiate with another person's schedule. Unless you date someone who is indepedant wealthy (and even if you) they will have obligations that don't include you.
If you already know that someone's schedule simply does not work for you at this point in your life, don't commit to them. It will only lead to dissapointment and frustration.
As for the ex, you might not like my advice much, but it is, in my experience, the very, very best way to get the 'relationship' back into a sexually charged couple: Stop having sex.
Now, not altogeather, but set a firm rule such as, we will only have sex twice a week, or only every other time we see eachother. Sex, as you've learned, can keep people so busy they don't take care of the other aspects of the relationship. If you stop letting sex be a distraction you two can reconnect as people (or in some cases, discover you really don't have much in common besides good sex). Either way, it's important to know for sure.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I have a skin allergy that's pretty common- I can't wear any cheap metal jewelry or it can give me a rash. I can wear silver or gold and any of that "sensitive solutions" stuff, so I never really have a problem finding jewelry. But my boyfriend bought me this really cute red choker with a metal clasp, and I love it, but when I wear it I get itchy red bumps on the skin the metal touches.
Is there anything I can coat the metal part with so it won't irritate my skin? I hear clear nail polish works but I'm wondering if there are any other options. Thanks!
The Answer
Nah, that will only work for a very short time, and then your sweat and the medal will will start to irratate you agian.
Instead, find a jewelry store where you can buy a stearling silver or hypoalergenic clasp. A nice jewelry store should be able to help you out. Some bead stores would have what you need as well, but then you would need to find someone who knew what they were doing to actually make the switch.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My mom never lets me pay for anything. If I want to go shopping, I'd rather pay for it so that my dad doesn't get mad at her, but she NEVER lets me. & if I offer to pay for my own clothes, she gets mad at me & says it's "stupid." & I TRY to help out around the house cause my brother never does. THEN, my brother goes on & on about how spoiled I am & how I get everything I want without even working for it & how I'm a brat & everything & my mom AGREES with him. I honestly don't understand it. Why will she NOT let me pay for anything & get annoyed when I try to help, but then turn around & say how spoiled & bratty I am?
The Answer
Your mom is just afriad of change is all. She is more comfortable with the current arrangemet, where she pays and then teases you about it, then she would be with you exercising some independance and paying for things yourself.
A lot of parents are uncomfortable when thier kids start to be independant and responsible. Without meaning too, she is probably trying to keep you 'kid-like' for a while longer.
Ignore your brother. His opinion about your mother's spending habits is totally irrelevant.
Talk to her about the problem, when your brother isn't around. Be calm and address your own feelings, not her behavoir, like this:
Mom, when you agreed with my brother about me being spoiled it really hurt my feelings. I don't want you to feel I'm spoiled or resent me. What EXACTLY can I do to show you I am not being spoiled?
Listen calmly to what she has and keep asking "What can I do differently?"
If she says things that hurt your feelings or tries to draw you into an argument, don't bite the bait, just thank her for talking to you about this and tell her you'll think about what she said.
This is partly about you learning what your mother is seeing, and partly about exposing her own irrational thinking to her. She might try to be agressive and cause you to act immaturely during this conversation, that is why its VERY important to stay calm and mature.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Why shouldn't people be acquiescent to others?
The Answer
The word has two rather different meanings.
Technically, and in the legal sense, it means to give up ones rights.
However, most of the time when people use the word they simply mean to agree to another persons proposal, or to go-along with that persons plan.
Legally, of course we need to safe guard our rights. History has shown us, again and again, that when it comes to our legal rights, we either use 'em or lose 'em. There will always be people in power who will seek to benefit from people not standing up for themselves and it is a very slippery slope.
However, the way we use acquiesce generally, it is a good and polite thing. It simply means we are recognizing, and willing to do what another person has suggested or advised. As the columnist before me said, teens and children should acquiesce to their parents, even though they might disagree. Employees will often acquiesce to a request from their employer, even if they rather not. Those types of being acquiescent are not about us 'loosing rights' but about compromise and proper respect for authority.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I have two daughters one is eighteen and the other is twenty-three. They both live at home and they haven't gotten along for quite some time now. The older one thinks that we cater to the younger one way to much. The younger one is still in high school and has a dominating personality and is argumenative where the older one doesn't talk and is very distant and pretty much avoids life and confrontations. They are totally opposite in every way. They both work but they don't make enough to be out of the house and being that the younger one is still in high school we do not require that she be out or the older one for that matter. The older one is very angry and feels she is never comfortable or a part of the family. I don't know why she feels this way. She claims that she can't stand the younger one 90% of the time. The younger one feels she is always second when ever the older one is around. I always feel I'm in the middle because I tend to get attacked when I try to intervien when they argue and fight. The younger one is putting so much stress on us financially and mentally because of her demands. I know that it is our fault, but because she has always struggled in school and now she is finally excelling and we are pretty much spoiling her because of it. My older daughter is very angry because of it. She feels the younger one doesn't deserve anything because of her bad attitude and rudeness. We are afraid that if we don't give in she will not further excell, she has done so well and we are afraid she won't try no more. The older one never received things and really never asked for anything as near as the younger one has. When the older one was younger we were not as financially set as we are now. I feel so drained in everyway and I cry because I don't know what to do. I have always prayed that they will get along but it doesn't look good. I worry so much about the older one because she feels so left out and thinks everyone in her family treats her like crap. I have so much guilt about both of my daughters for different reasons. My husband steps in if he's home, or if he sees that I'm getting upset. Most of the time these arguments happen when he's not home. I have so much more to share but that would probably take alot more space. What should I do for my daughters? I'm so proud of the fact that they both work and are doing good for themselves but I just wish they could get along and not make me feel that it's all our fault and that they feel they are not treated equally.
The Answer
Take a deep breath, and a step back.
Your daughters are both young adults, and need to be given permission, and the opportunity, to manage their own relationship with one another. It is not your job to 'make' that happen.
The simple solution to your problem is to stop intervening. Instead of trying to be the good guy, when one of them comes wailing to you about their latest argument, calmly listen to their side and then express confidence that although it is difficult and they are hurt, they are a competent young woman who can deal with it responsibly and respectfully. Trust in them, and support them as they negotiate their own relationship, independent of you.
Step in ONLY if things become violent or immoral.
Stop being in this triangle with them, with both of them fighting for your attention and support and you will force them to deal with one another.
When your older daughter complains about your different treatment of the younger one, listen and respect her feelings. Tell her that you know that it hurts her that her sister is treated differently then she was, HOWEVER her sister IS a different person then she was, and ‘fair treatment’ doesn’t always mean ‘the same treatment’. You might have made some mistakes in parenting her, and you might be making mistakes now with her sister, but as her parents, those are your mistakes to make and shouldn’t be fighting points between you and your sister.
You can control your relationships with your daughters and make them less intense by stepping out of fights that aren’t yours in the first place. Just set down some ground rules and consequences, such as no yelling, no name-calling and no slamming doors and the like, and enforce them by denying treats or privileges in your home of they don’t met those basic requirements.
You should also seek some counseling for yourself; to deal with the guilt you feel that is allowing your daughters to tug you in so many directions at once. If you can get that under control, you will be in a better position to support in the way that is best for them, not just in the way that makes you feel less guilty.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My dad doesn’t like me…and I know you’ll probably be like he’s your dad he loves you deep down I’m pretty sure he does…but no he doesn’t…..He never says he loves me or will miss me…he’s never given me a hug or anything.. …Like If he ever comes up to me and says I love…I would be weirded out by a lot..and be like umm..okay get a away from me you freak….It’s really awkward being near him…..Like he’s always yelling at me for the most stupid things…and it’s annoying….He’s really annoying….Like for example…every night I take a shower at around 9 and my dad’s like go take a shower and it’s like 8:30…so I’m like no later…it’s to early…he’s like what are you going to do. Wait till 10o clock like everyday…and I’m like WTF!! When do I ever wait till 10 o clock!! And it’s not like he says it every once in a while it’s every effing dayyy!! It’s soo annoying I’m tired of it…and not only that but the littlest things I do….like I cause an accident like accidentally spill my water on the table he’ll be god you need to pay attention..you never pay attetion..and I’m like WTF omg..it was an accident…and my grades aren’t that great rite..but I’m trying my hardest…but my dad’s like good you think everything hard..your not studying all you care about is straightening hair(which I don’t even do everyday), and myspace(which I haven’t gotten on ever since like 7th grade)…and stuff…good I just don’t know what to do..he’s always criticizing me…and it’s not like the good kind where you learn and it helps you..it’s like putting you down criticism…and I don’t want to talk to my mom about it because she’ll just get mad at me for even thinking that. And then she’ll probably go tell my dad..and he’ll deny everything…..Like he used to watch porn(gross I know) and sometimes he’ll forget it’s on history or it’s left on windows media player..and I used to tell my mom..and he would deny it..i’m just like SERIOUSLY!!….are you really going to believe..like it was left on..and he was the only one on the computer....and so ever since then it’s been even more awkward….because I wonder if he ever thinks of me like that….and one thing I especially hate is everyday I close the computer doors so I can do my hmrk….because I hate when it’s open b/c I feel like people are watching me….and every effing day my stupid dad has to come by and hit it open stare at what I’m doing then go to his room….and when I close it he’ll be like why are you closing it…are you on aim, facebook, myspace….and stuff…I tell him it’s because I like it closed…then he starts to yell at me and tells me to leave him open…GOD I don’t know what to do…I don’t want to sit and talk with him…because that’ll be awkward and knowing my dad it’s not like anything will change. He also yells at me for things I didn’t even do…like it’s my sisters fault and tell him it is…he’s like I DON’T CARE..YOU DO IT…and he’ll only believe me if I call my sister and she says it was her…then he’ll go on mumbling about it..and I’m just like OMG shut uppp…pleasee…GODD
All my friends are like I love my dad…and their dad actually cares about themOne time I got so pissed off I ran away…it wasn’t like really running away…i went to the park in my neighborhood…and sat down…my mom was freaking out…and she was a work so she could’nt get in her car and come look for me. My dad was like w/e…and stuff…so an hour passed…two hours…eventually it was 7 and I left at 4…and I was like w/e I’ll walk home cause I was bored…so I start to walk home and I get to the front door..and my dad is JUST getting out of the drive way to look for me…I’m just like wow…you are such an amazing parent..you really care for your kids…and he did’nt come because he was worried…it was because my mom told him to go find me…Yea so that’ my miserable life…I don’t know what to do…I don’t know if it’s me not doing something right or if it’s my dad’s fault..but I just need to know what to do…I can’t take it anymore…
The Answer
The simple truth is: You can't control your dad.
You can't make him like you. You can't change the way he behaves.
The only thing you can change, is YOU.
Your dad might be a total jerk, but you are still making some big mistakes in dealing with him.
1.) Stop sweating the small stuff. So he bugs you about showering? So what! It's annoying sure, but it isn't anything else. Don't fight when you can take a deep breath and say "I will shower before it gets too late. Don't worry." Say it calmly, say it friendly-like and say it each and everytime he makes a comment. Be Zen. Be polite. Be Calm. Showering is not worth waring over.
2.) Take responsibilty for your emotions. NOT HIS.
Him being pouty should not ruin your afternoon. His mumbling should not make you miserable. His unhappiness belongs to him! Let him have it and ignore it. Master YOUR unhappiness. Control it, and find something else to focus on.
3.) Respect him as your parent, even if you hate him. He is allowed to be imperfect and even unfair. He is even allowed to watch porn and lie about it. You still have to listen to him, because he is your parent. Make peace with it. Although you don't like your door open, that is a rule while you live in his house. When you live in your own house you can close any door you'd like. Besides, the more you leave it open, the less likely he is to look. He wont bother you if he thinks you have nothing to hide.
4.) Talk about things with him, but only when you are calm and in control. Plan your approach beforehand and talk about YOUR feelings and YOUR actions, not his. Talk about things you can control and what your plans are, not what you want him to change. Don't attack him. Communicate.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
If i want to give my boyfriend a handjob, (I'm completely ready for it fyiiii), where is he supposed to come? Like I don't really want him coming on my face or boobs, sooo helpp? I've given one other hj before, but it wasnt too goooddd... and so yeah I'll be able to give it just fine, but just like wheerreee should he skeeeett?
thaankss :)
The Answer
The sensible solution to your problem would be to use a condom. That way, his ejaculation is contained AND you are protected from STDs and establish good safe-sex practices right from the get go together!
Whatever you choose, you need to talk to him about it. Mature relationships require open communication. Mature sexual relationships demand it. If you don't know, ask your boyfriend what he see happening.
Set bounderies you are comfortable with. Practice safe sex.
Also, please don't use words like 'skeet', not only are they inaccurate, they are immature. If you are old enough to participate in sex acts, you are old enough to use the proper terms, not the play ground vernacular.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
so, i've heard that if a boy and girl are fooling around in a hot tub and the boy ejaculates, then the girl has a chance of getting pregnant.
now, this got me to wondering:
if a female is just inoccently in a public pool, lake, hot tub (etc.), and she's just swimming around, and a boy ejaculates, is there a chance that she'll get pregnant?
like, she won't even know who this boy is.
just some random kid.
so, yeah.
answers?
The Answer
Maybe there is technically 'a chance' but there is about the same amount of chance that you will get eaten by T-rex.
You have a chance of getting pregnant when fluid from the male ejaculation make contact with the vaginal fluids on the female. Sperm doesn't leap through air, or travel very well in fluids that are not bodily fluids. That is the simple fact of the matter. The logistics of sperm making it up to the uterus from being free floating in a large body of water are about as close to impossible as anything can be in this universe.
It is also, very unlikely, despite anything you might have been told, that a guy who ejaculates in a hot tub might inpregnant his partner if it took place no where near her vaginal opening. That just isn't going to happen. Sperm just ain't SMART.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
So my boyfriend's depression basically came back recently after being mostly gone for several years. Today I was talking to him and he sort of lashed out, and I didn't know how to take it. It made most of today sort of awkward, and he seemed to think I was mad at/going to leave him (neither of which are true.)
We didn't talk much today though, because I was mostly trying to think of what to do. Trying to make him feel better like I do when he's just sad didn't help, and so I couldn't figure out how to help at all. I was a little hurt about what he said earlier, but I'm okay now.
After thinking about it and reading up on depression, now I just want to help. What can you do to help someone when they're feeling that down? Is there anything else you can do?
Any advice would help, thanks.
The Answer
The best thing you can do for a depressed person is stand your own emotional ground in the face of mistaken beliefs. Don't get wrapped up in trying to 'prove' that you aren't thinking what he thinks you are thinking, just kindly and consistantly tell him the truth: That you aren't angry, just confused and unsure. That you aren't going to leave him, but you'll need some space sometimes to figure out what the best thing to do next is.
Listen to his problems, but don't try to solve them. Instead, ask him about how has dealt with these struggles before and what worked well for him then. Even share with him some of your problems and struggles with unhappiness. Focus on his strengths and the good decisions he makes, without being a mindless cheerleader. Don't shut down and try always to be strong or positive for his sake, that will only make him feel less competant and capable. Be honest about your own difficulties and negativity.
Finally, encourage him to seek help, from a doctor or therapist. You are not his therapist. You are his girlfriend. You can never be his therapist, and your relationship will be happier if you don't try. There is a reason doctors cannot treat thier own family members, and it's a good one.
So don't be his savoir or doctor or therapist. Be his girlfriend and be a friend, and encourage him and focus on the positive steps he takes despite his bad feelings. Above all, be honest with him about your feelings. That will decrease his stress and yours.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
my bf and i broke up-he was kinda mean about it and really hurt me but then i was ok. (this all happened yesterday) and later i was talking and laughing with this other guy that i dont think my ex bf knew i know. and i was laughing and having fun with my friends. my ex bf said he still wanted to be friends and everything but yesterday at youth group it was awkard cause we had broken up that morning. i think i might have hurt him by already having fun with a new guy and stuff and i feel a little bad but i just needed someone to talk and he asked me to talk to him and i wanted my ex bf to know he wasnt my life and i can talk to other guys and i can get over him. i didnt want him to think i was gonna just be sad and depressed because im am sad but im not going to show him that and everything. i have done enough of that and stuff. i want to talk to him but i have to wait until he contacts me and idk if hes going to do that!!! i am not making the first move cause hes the one who was saying we couldnt get back together and stuff and that he lost interest in me but the twist is that i know he still likes me and stuff cause you cant just stop loving someone in a day but im moving so he preobably is trying to protect himself and lately we are always fighting. sooo what should i do? i emailed him asking how his feeling changed so quickly and that i understand that he might be hurt cause im moving and if he could explain it would be helpful. so i shouldnt do anything anymore until he contacts me right?? i already emailed and he should be the one to talk to me since he said those things. just give me your input please. thank you in advance :)
The Answer
Um, why are you spending so much time worrying about his feelings and perceptions?
I get that you would like to be nice, but come on, this much worrying is taking it a bit too far. You got dumped. He said he didn't want to be with you anymore, and it sounds to me like, even though that really hurt you, you were ready for the relationship to end as well. You knew things weren't going well.
He no longer has any say in how you live your life. UNLESS you give him that power.
Don't try to contact him agian or ask for explinations. Nothing he says will make you feel any better or make it all make sense.
Don't sit around worrying about what he thinks of the way you are acting. I know you still care for him, but really, it's none of his bussiness and not your problem what he thinks of your choices. You do what you feel comfortable doing and talk to those you choose. You don't do those things to 'prove' to him you can get over him, you do them because you are allowed to make your decisions. You always were.
He's a big boy. He will be fine.
Spend sometime focusing on your feelings, not his.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My wife is at least 50 pounds overweight. She has tried numerous diets. Although some of them work, she invariably gains the weight right back. Whenever I mention that she is overweight, we get in a big fight. I would like her to lose weight for her health (she's 42 years old) and also to make her more attractive. Advice please.
The Answer
Stop criticizing and start empathizing.
Diets, as you have discovered, don’t work. Lifestyle is what keeps you trim. You live your lives together so together you need to change your lifestyle. That means you need take her weight loss seriously as well, and if she shouldn’t be eating it, you shouldn’t either. Sit down with her and assist and participate in meal planning. Help with grocery shopping and cooking. Do NOT bring home food that is unhealthy, even if it’s ‘just for you’. Empathizing doesn’t mean you just feel bad for her, it means you ‘feel’ and ‘do’ with her, as her equal partner in this.
Instead of trying to fix her, address YOUR problem and speak to her like this:
“Honey, I know that your weight gain has become a hot topic in our marriage, and I had a few ideas about how we could deal with it together and I wanted your opinion on them.”
Suggest portion control, meal planning, banning certain foods in the house, sharing meals while eating out or eating out less. Also suggest active time together. Taking a sports class, or a dance class, or maybe regular evening walks or jogs.
Be SPECIFIC about your plans (much more so then I was above) and be positive. Listen to her fears and suggestions and try to incorporate them into a plan that will work for both of you. Don’t say ‘You need to get your weight under control.” Instead say “This is really important to me and I want to help in everyway I can.”
If she is too upset to consider taking these steps, suggest counseling so that someone can mediate between you too and help her overcome whatever is holding her back from perusing a healthier lifestyle.
You are married, and that means when your partner needs to undergo a major lifestyle adjustment, so do you. If she is overweight, your marriage is overweight.
If she is feeling defeated, you will need to patiently and gently take some responsibility for these changes yourself. Be involved in meal planning and cooking. Go grocery shopping with her, with a list that you planned together in advance. Exercise with her and praise her for her positive choices, no matter how small (ie “I know that chocolate cake looked good, but I’m really proud of you for resisting.”). It will go along way if you can show her that you are willing to be serious about making changes to make your life together better and not just demanding her to change.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I met this guy about a year ago. At the time he was going out with my best friend. They had an awful breakup about 3 months ago. Me and him became very close but just as friends. He has hooked up with most of my friends but he was drunk. Now we've got even closer and like spend nearly ever day together. I have always sworn no matter how much i like him i wouldnt do anything with him because of his ex i would feel too bad. Recently he decided he likes my bestfriend and i just got so jealous and right now i can't figure out whether i love him as a brother or love him as something more.
The Answer
He hooked up with most of your friends while drunk?
I'm just going to venture a geuss here babe, but I would geuss that you don't actually love him. You want him to want you. You want him to decide you are the best girl, of the many girls he has to select from.
I could be wrong. You could really and seriously care for him and want a relationship with him.
But true love isn't where jealousy comes from. Jealousy comes from the need to be desirable and be better then someone else.
Ask yourself a few questions.
Has this guy given the other girls he has dated the kind of relationship you would want to have?
If not, why would you want a relationship with him? Do you believe he has or will change?
If he has been the kind of boyfriend you want, what things (besides just the ex), have kept you from thinking of his as serious boyfriend material?
Think about it rationally and look at his past behavoir. If you rommantically envision that he would change when he was in a relationship with you, then you are just 'needy jealous' and want to prove yourself better then those other girls by winning him.
However, if you respect his behavoir and choices in relationships, and think he'd be good boyfriend material just the way he is, it might be time to fess up about your deeper feelings.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
17/f I just found out I am aneamic (sp?)
I have been vegetarian for 4 years and I am feeling really dizzy and a bit nauseaous lately. I can't even stand up and walk in a straight line without feeling dizzy.
I had a blood test and was found to have aneamia.
What foods should I be eating to fix this?
The only meat as such that I eat is fish and eggs. But I hardly ever eat these.
Does anyone know what I should be eating?
The Answer
Fish is a very good source of iron. If you are willing to eat it, I would strongly encourage you to eat more of it. Also, beans and spinach are some particularly good sources.
However, to feel better quickly, I'd suggest getting an iron supplement from the drug store. Most young women have low iron, but being a vegetarian puts you at a greater risk and you to pay closer attention to it. To get yourself back on track, talk to your doctor or pharmacist about iron supplements. It’s amazing how much better you will feel when your iron levels rise back up.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I truly want to save my relationship with my new boyfriend but don't know how to do it. We talked on the phone, as friends, for 7 months, and I loved everything about him, while he lived in another state but once he moved back home and we actually starting seeing each other I'm starting to feel smothered. After just one week of being home, he asked me to be his gf and I accepted but the next day he told me he loved me and then he wanted to see me every single day. He talked about suicide if we weren't together and couldn't see each other. He constantly says "I love you" and gets upset if I don't say it back to him. I really care about him and want this to work - I don't want to start hating him - but I want him to back off and be mature and reasonable. We are both 18. I'm getting ready to go off to college soon. I want to be with him but I don't want him to be so needy and clingy. What can I say to him that won't hurt his feelings and still give us hope of being together? I told him once already that he is "freaking me out" by saying he loves me all the time. BUT...he still does it. I hate myself for wanting to be with him so badly before and now I question my motives. Please Help!
The Answer
He is bullying you and trying to control you.
Demanding you say "I love you." back is an early warning sign. As are his sucide threats and his refusal to respect your comfort level in the relationship.
It's more then immature and irresponsible, it's manipluative and agressive.
If, at a week into knowing someone (and it really has only been a week of *really* knowing him) they are already making you this uncomfortable and behaving this badly, I can't say I hold out much hope for him changing his ways. He doesn't even know enough to 'hide' this crazy behavoir for a while. He might not have the sense to realize why what he is doing is wrong.
If he can't see why it is not acceptable, you should tell him to hit the road.
Of course, I know you aren't going too. So at least tell him that you will not tolerate him trying to bully you into saying "I love you back." and that you would really appercaite if he would be a bit more reasonable in talking about your relationship. Explain to him what you think it a reasonable amount of time for a teenage couple to spend togeather (everyday is NOT reasonable) and that you want to be able to compromise so that neither of you get upset or resentful.
Take care of yourself.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hey. I need some advice. I appear to be very aloof and tend to get attitudes with people easily, even if its not them I'm mad at. When i talk to people, it sounds like i dont care. I dont even make eye contact with people. BUT, so far nobody's complained about these things (unless they do it behind my back) and its important to be yourself, right? sometimes i try to hide this side of me because i'm worried that people will think i'm mean, but at the same time, thats who i am. what should i do? thanks
The Answer
I think there is a difference between just being yourself, and being rude.
Being aloof or indifferent is personality. Being curt or rude because of your own frustration, although occassionally unavoidable, is plain rude.
Rude isn't 'who you are', it's a choice to not make an effort to put other people at ease and respect them. If you believe you are being rude at times, that is probably worth trying to stop.
Being aware of your tone of voice, and being able to control it, can only help you in life. Clearly, giving 'attitude' to an employer, customer, parent or boyfriend could very problematic in your life. It will also be problematic if you can't at least say to someone "I'm sorry I used that tone of voice, I wasn't angry with you, just something else."
You are obviously very aware of your emotions and behavoir, and that is a great start. My advice to you would be to 'fake it 'til you make it'. By that I mean put in the effort to be a polite person until a polite person is who you are. That doesn't change anything fundemental about how you are feeling, just about how you communicate those feelings to others.
(View All Other Answers.)