|
need advice
I have two daughters one is eighteen and the other is twenty-three. They both live at home and they haven't gotten along for quite some time now. The older one thinks that we cater to the younger one way to much. The younger one is still in high school and has a dominating personality and is argumenative where the older one doesn't talk and is very distant and pretty much avoids life and confrontations. They are totally opposite in every way. They both work but they don't make enough to be out of the house and being that the younger one is still in high school we do not require that she be out or the older one for that matter. The older one is very angry and feels she is never comfortable or a part of the family. I don't know why she feels this way. She claims that she can't stand the younger one 90% of the time. The younger one feels she is always second when ever the older one is around. I always feel I'm in the middle because I tend to get attacked when I try to intervien when they argue and fight. The younger one is putting so much stress on us financially and mentally because of her demands. I know that it is our fault, but because she has always struggled in school and now she is finally excelling and we are pretty much spoiling her because of it. My older daughter is very angry because of it. She feels the younger one doesn't deserve anything because of her bad attitude and rudeness. We are afraid that if we don't give in she will not further excell, she has done so well and we are afraid she won't try no more. The older one never received things and really never asked for anything as near as the younger one has. When the older one was younger we were not as financially set as we are now. I feel so drained in everyway and I cry because I don't know what to do. I have always prayed that they will get along but it doesn't look good. I worry so much about the older one because she feels so left out and thinks everyone in her family treats her like crap. I have so much guilt about both of my daughters for different reasons. My husband steps in if he's home, or if he sees that I'm getting upset. Most of the time these arguments happen when he's not home. I have so much more to share but that would probably take alot more space. What should I do for my daughters? I'm so proud of the fact that they both work and are doing good for themselves but I just wish they could get along and not make me feel that it's all our fault and that they feel they are not treated equally.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
There is no reason for girls their ages to
be dragging you into things.
The 23 year old needs to grow up. Parents
don't usually spoil or pander to 23 year olds.
Unless she has a reason to be in your home,
she should probably be out there on her own
living her own life. She will remain a
demanding little girl as long as she lives in
your home.
For the 18 year old you need to do this...
Just sit her down and tell her it stops
today. If she wants extras she will need
a job to pay for them herself. Time for
her to start on the road to being an adult
too. It wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to
both at the same time.
There isn't a lot you can do about the past.
You can get yourself some peace in the
future though and teach your daughters that
adults have to work hard for things they
want. If they have problems with each
other, they need to deal with those on
thier own. You no longer want to hear
about it. :)
]
It sounds like you have done a good job in nurturing both your daughters. At the ages of 18 and 23, you shouldn't be experiencing any feelings of guilt, since it appears that both your daughter are capable of adjusting to the realities of life and doing well. The 23 year old doesn't have a leg to stand on, considering that most 23 year olds don't live with their parents, the same applies to the 18 year old, you and your husband should not have to spoil her as an incentive to succeed in school. It's for her own benefit after all. It not uncommon for parents, especially mothers, to have a fear of an empty nest when their children reach the age of maturity. But this is a reality all of us as parents have to face one day. My advice to you is to first set firm boundaries for peace in your household with your daughters, in the event your boundaries for peace are broken; with the 23 year old, you should give her a time period to move out on her own, and with the 18 year old, you can stop buying needless things for her. Of course habits are challenging to change so you will probably need to work on being assertive with the help of a therapist. Secondly, perhaps you can focus your energies on you and your husband enjoying more of your time together, now that your children are grown. Perhaps a vacation to the Bahamas? Go ahead, spoil yourself for a change.
]
Take a deep breath, and a step back.
Your daughters are both young adults, and need to be given permission, and the opportunity, to manage their own relationship with one another. It is not your job to 'make' that happen.
The simple solution to your problem is to stop intervening. Instead of trying to be the good guy, when one of them comes wailing to you about their latest argument, calmly listen to their side and then express confidence that although it is difficult and they are hurt, they are a competent young woman who can deal with it responsibly and respectfully. Trust in them, and support them as they negotiate their own relationship, independent of you.
Step in ONLY if things become violent or immoral.
Stop being in this triangle with them, with both of them fighting for your attention and support and you will force them to deal with one another.
When your older daughter complains about your different treatment of the younger one, listen and respect her feelings. Tell her that you know that it hurts her that her sister is treated differently then she was, HOWEVER her sister IS a different person then she was, and ‘fair treatment’ doesn’t always mean ‘the same treatment’. You might have made some mistakes in parenting her, and you might be making mistakes now with her sister, but as her parents, those are your mistakes to make and shouldn’t be fighting points between you and your sister.
You can control your relationships with your daughters and make them less intense by stepping out of fights that aren’t yours in the first place. Just set down some ground rules and consequences, such as no yelling, no name-calling and no slamming doors and the like, and enforce them by denying treats or privileges in your home of they don’t met those basic requirements.
You should also seek some counseling for yourself; to deal with the guilt you feel that is allowing your daughters to tug you in so many directions at once. If you can get that under control, you will be in a better position to support in the way that is best for them, not just in the way that makes you feel less guilty.
]
Wow, that's alot to take in as a mother. I am not old enough to understand your situation exactly but here is what I think.
I am the oldest in my family. I have three little sisters. I havedefinetly recieved the more strict deal because as the first child I was getting over protected (I still do). I never asked for very much. I understad what your older daughter is thinking though. She find it unfair because she worked just as hard and got no rewards.
Here is what my mom does. And my dad aswell. They try their best to be equal. I have definetly noticed this. She never tries to treat one more special (althought I notice my youngest sister getting more indulgence, and the third sister getting more praised over her A's).
I think you should take your older daughter somewhere. Just the two of you. You can go for ice cream. It doesn't have to be big. While doing this, talk to her about how proud you are of her and that you believe she will do great and make a great living. (I think that part of her living in your house makes her feel like she needs you still although she is old enough to move out.) You can also talk to her about this problem. They are not aware of this and your feeling and it will help if she understood what is going on. She is old enough for you to rely on her.
As for your younger daughter do the same another time. Talk to her about how proud you are of how well she is doing. Tell her that it makes you very hapy seeing her do this good in school. But also talk to her about how she has to be good with what she asks you. Tell her that if she needs something, to try and earn it. Tell her you can't indulge her as much because you never did that for your first daughter and it would not be fair. Also talk to her about how their behavior makes you feel.
I think that they are unaware of your feeling and when you tell them then they will try harder to make it work. They are cirtainly old enough to understand and to help you work things out.
I wish you all the luck and hope everything works out!
]
More Questions: |