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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
ok so this one guy who stoped talking to me for like 2 months, started talking to me again. and he wants to chill this summer.
he told me that he still likes me more than a friend and all that, but the thing is, he still has a girlfriend.
he said he would never cheat--but i think if i made a move on him, he wouldnt make me stop.
i kind of want to tease him some, so should i be all flirty and like kiss him just to see what happens? thanks!
The Answer
No, you shouldn't. Flirting and kissing a guy who has a girlfriend is simply not a nice thing to do.
Nothing you can say can make that behavoir kind or right. It doesn't matter if his girlfriend is a raving lunatic, until he breaks up with her you need to respect the fact that he is taken.
Besides, a guy who cheat on his girlfriend, will cheat on you eventually as well.
Don't loose your self-respect, and the respect of your peers, by fooling around with this guy. He isn't worth it. No one is.
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The Question
I'm writing an essay on Romeo and Juliet and everything must be in present tense in an essay. Is "star-cross" a word?
My sentence is "Their love is based on sight, is star-crossed, bringing too many consequences, and was driven by sex. "
The Answer
Star-cross, is not a word.
I am pretty certain I have a good grasp on this question, but someone with an english degree might have a better answer for you. Anyways, my opinion is below.
Star-crossed is a phrase which you are already using in a the present tense, as that something that is true, was true, and will be true for an infinate time in the future.
HOWEVER, the part of the sentence which reads "and was driven by sex." is written in the past tense. The word WAS is pretty much always past tense. Thier love is driven by sex, or lust. To say that it 'was driven' is to say that that drive took place in the past.
You might also want to watch for comma splices and fused sentences. Tenses are easier to control when you seperate each idea into it's own sentence and explain it fully. For example: Do not assume your readers know what star-crossed means.
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The Question
okay so there is this boy named john, he has a girlfriend named shelby. theyve been on and off for 3 years. so while they were on a break me and him started to talk,(bf gfish) so i was really starting to like him , and he would always tell me he liked me. so me and john were getting pretty serious but then one day he randomly went back to his ex? so i was pretty pissed and hurt. so while he was wit her hes like im only w/ her so she doesnt go w. other guys. and yeah so we still flirted. and then they broke up again. so we startd talkin again. then he got a girlfriend again. and hes like i made such a mistake and i really want you and blah. he tells my friends this all the time. and hes always thinkin about me and brings me up to shleby. so ya recently the pas few nights i was thinking well fuck this im not waiting for him to be done w. shelby. so me and my ex starteed to talk and i started liking him again. so me and trey were talkin and shit so then he asked me back out and isaid yes. so then i go on aim in the morning and see i have an im from john sayin .. "wow you jus get a man like that? well i cant be mad since i did the same thing..hope it works out." wich i could tell it was SO fake. so i was like watever you ddi that to me twice and i never got mad at you. and hes like ight watever i was like okay shove that fake watever up your ass so then hes like okay i will then i was like i dont get it i did nothing to you and we werent guna work out since your never going to leave shelby. and i havent talked to him since that
but its like i totally rather be with john then trey but its like im not guna be his rebound and shit and wait for them to be over?
like shelbys a bitch
she flirts with tons of guys
and shes cheated on him before
she hits him all the time
and he forgives her EVERYTIME
ugh wat should i do? =(
The Answer
Have some fun with Trey. Stop speaking too, texting, chating with or otherwise awknowledging John's existance. He'll only cause more drama. It is all that he does. It makes him feel special.
It doesn't matter, at all, how much of a bitch Shelby is. Her lying, cheating, asshole of a boyfriend John obviously wants her. They are clearly made for one another.
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The Question
I have been trying to keep as calm as possible .I think I have a lot of self-control for a person who is so angry. All I want to do is sit in a corner and cry. My mother and I have always, generally, had a very good relationship. She and I have been the best of friends always. But now, it seems as if she is my worst enemy. I am seventeen right now, and I believe that at seventeen, this should not be happening, or at least, start happening. I understand that these types of conflicts happen with parents and teenagers, but I assumed this happened at a younger age, and that I was home free. Usually, by seventeen, I thought things started to get better for teens and their parents. Well, it’s definitely not that way in this case.
My mother is a single mother. I live with her and my grandparents. I am an only child, so I feel as if I am quite suffocated. The only reason I have not gotten my license is because I have not had time. But if I did, I definitely would not be home as much as I am right now. These are not the types of conflicts you are imagining. There is no door-slamming, and constant fighting, throwing things across the room. I think this is partly because I have learned to deal with the beast. I don’t show her I am angry because I don’t want to give her the pleasure. She is jealous of my self-control. This I know for a fact. The calmer I act, the more arguments she tries to have with me. I am not witty, nor am I disrespectful, but she definitely is. I am a teenager right now, and I definitely don’t need a teenage daughter. She is the one who comes up to me looking for an argument, and screams at me for no reason. She gets vases and throws them across the house for no reason at all. She slams doors and curses throughout our home.
Being it that I am a concerned person, I worry for the sake of my grandparents. This is their home, and they were nice enough to let us live here. She has no right to be throwing their ornaments throughout the house and slamming doors. I don’t like to argue with her in front of my grandmother. This is why I try so hard. I really try. I want to avoid arguments with her at all cost because I know it is not my place to act like a spoiled brat at my grandparent’s house. I would get my car and leave to avoid her, but I can’t. I will be able to soon, but until then, I need a way to handle her and her mood swings. She is like this and refuses to do anything about it. Please let me know how I can avoid this. I really depend on her for a lot still. I depend on her to take me to school, to the gym, and everywhere else. So, I can’t cut her out of my life completely. I just need to find a way for her to leave me alone. I spend my time looking at apartments and real estate online, because I can’t wait to leave this house! I don’t know if you would say I am selfish, but I don’t think I am. I think I am just frustrated.
Thank you in advance
The Answer
Try talking to your grandparents about the problem. Or if you have a aunt or uncle, or any other family member who knows your mother well and whose opinion you can respect.
You cannot change your mother, and avoiding her anymore then you already are is probably impossible. The better thing to try and do and understand why she is doing this, what has changed, and to try to sympathize.
Ask your family members if this behavior has happened before. It seems new to you, but as they have known her much longer, they might see a pattern.
Ask them what brought it on, either before or what they think caused it now?.
Ask them to speak to your mother if they are concerned about her mental health. It’s not really your place to do this, but encouraging others and letting them know what you are seeing might help.
Most importantly: Ask what you can do differently.
I can only applaud you for maintaining self-control and refusing to fight, but that is only one part of the perfect approach to family conflict. Now that you mastered controlling your negative feelings, you need to use all that strength and focus to call on your positive ones. Empathize with your mothers struggles. Try to see things from her perspective. ALWAYS thank her for what she does for you. Let her know when you are having a good time with her. Talk to her about your fond memories of your time together and how much you value her.
Most importantly: Ask her what you can do differently.
The trouble with being very good at staying calm and that the other person gets the idea you don't give a rat’s ass about them, and you do care about your mother right? Despite all your anger, you do care a bit? To make your approach truly perfect, you need to empathize, respect and let your mom know you still value her.
You don't just turn off the negative feelings. You channel the positive ones.
You also ask what you can do differently. Some her suggestions might be useless to you, but listen to them very seriously anyways and try to make reasonable changes for the comfort of someone you care about and live with. As you know, you won’t live with her forever, or even very much longer. Value the time you have togeather. Value her. Be the adult if you need to be. In the end, you'll feel better about it if you can say that not only did you do everytihng you could, you loved her regardless.
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The Question
There was recently an incident between a male teacher of mine and a female student that occurred at his house. But it's not exactly what you think--kind of but, let me explain how it happened:
My teacher is an attractive 25-year-old guy that teaches physics so the majority of his students are 17-18...maybe a few 16-year-olds. He's really cool, fun, etc. He gave us all his number in case we ever needed anything...that had to do with Physics. Well a girl called him one night and he tried to help her but she asked to go to his house so he could help her. I know for a fact that she was the one that asked to go to his house--he never asked her to come over. And yes, as a teacher he probably should have said no but he wasn't thinking that anything would turn out the way it did. Long story short though, she started accusing him of making advances and such and all the parents found out about it.
My mom now wants to pull me out of his class. I think it's ridiculous I know the girl and she constantly flirts with him and she asked to go to his place at night. I'm not saying that he's not in any fault because he shouldn't have let her come over but I know he would not make any advances. She's lying through her teeth and everyone knows it. She's talked several times about wanting to hook up with him and shes constantly bending over in front of him and all that.
I'm completely 100% on his side and I do not want to be pulled out of his class. He's an amazing teacher and I actually understand everything the way he explains it. Not to mention there's only a month of school left. So what should I do? I need to either convince my mom or if she still pulls me out of his class I was wondering if I should still go to his class instead of my new teachers? Any advice?
The Answer
You might want to ask your school if your mother has the right to pull you out of his class. If you are 18 years old, she probably doesn't and you can simply make it clear to administration that you would like to remain enrolled in his class.
The best thing you can do is respectfully disagree with your mother. Obviously any parent would want to keep their teenage daughter away from a teacher who behaved the way she *thinks* he did. What you need to do is very calmly and respectfully disagree with her. Say things like "I know why you feel that way Mom, but I know that what is being said about him is untrue." or "Mom I'd really appreciate it if you'd respect my opinion in this case. I promise if I ever see him or any other teacher do something wrong I will tell you, but I never have seen that with him. He’s never been inappropriate or made me feel uncomfortable. I want to stay in his class because I truly believe he has been wrongly accused.”
This is not about 'being on his side', it's about defending someone, anybody, that you believe to be unjustly accussed.
There is no point in yelling at her or arguing with her. Best to just state your case. If she can, and does, pull you out of that class, talk to a principal or guidance counselor about what your rights are first. You might have to decide which is more important to you, defending someone you believe to be innocent, or failing your class.
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The Question
I've been riding for 6 years, and recently I've been riding a horse who takes big spots and has a big, round jump. Everytime he launches, my jumping position is awful. My legs swing back, elbows are close together and not released enough, and my upper body gets thrown forward. What can I do to fix this? What should I tell myself to do while I'm riding? Thanks!
The Answer
It's almost impossible to diagnose without seeing you, but if I had to make a guess I would say you are collapsing your shoulders, and that is where your problems are starting. When your shoulders aren't square it's only natural to tuck your arms in and hold tight to try and maintain control. Of course, that doesn't work at all on a horse, but that is human nature for you.
What you really need however, is a skilled trainer who can help you really diagnose the problem. Your position could like use some work. The most basic advice applies: Think about keeping your shoulders nailed to a board and forcing your heels down into the dirt… but it's also possible that your horse needs some re-schooling. For a horse whose spots are simply too large, a series of trotting polls before a low jump can teach him to contain his stride and launch closer to the actual jump. That will likely help him to learn to jump more diagonally rather then right up in the air… which I imagine from your description he is doing in order to clear the jump. He also might simply not be going quite fast enough on your approach.
Please, don’t just take my rambling suggestions. I haven’t seen you or him, so I could be completely wrong. Get someone skilled to watch you ride and help you experiment and find out what works.
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The Question
Okay, so i'm Jewish but like I don't go to the temple or like anything. so my friends were talking about religion and had the Jewish religion all wrong so i cleared it up and they were like whats the Jewish bible called and i said i didn't know. and this other girl whos not Jewish goes oh..its called a Torah spellin..so anyway they go well your not a Jew your a fake Jew your no Jew JUNO get it like Jew NO. yeah, well i was just gonna shrug it off but my other friend blew up at them and told them to knock it of and i was like guys just stop but they won't. I'm not that affended but a lot of my family died in consintration camps and there making fun of me for being something that i can't help.
am i right to be a little mad over this?
The Answer
Are they making fun of you for being Jewish? Or were they making fun of your because they found out you didn't know something they thought you would?
Of course, neither is very nice of them, but there is no reason to be offended. Even if you were talking about say, bananas, you didn't know something everybody else thought you ought too know they would have teased you about that. It's immature and unfriendly sure, but it's not about your religion or identity.
Although it's very sad to have lost family memebers, and even worse to have lost them in such a painful and barbaric way, thier comments didn't really have anything to do with that.
No reason to get offended by childish teasing.
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The Question
is thinking about cheating or looking at other guys considered actually cheating because my friends told me it basically was but i cant help it like i still look and check out guys even though im not single but its not like im doing anything with them..
The Answer
Sesh, the next thing you know your friends will be telling you that you are cheating on your boyfriend when you snuggle with your favorite teddy bear! Where does the madness end?!
No. That isn’t cheating. Any guy who tells you it is, is trying to control you. Those with eyes will look. Unless you are willing to pluck out your eyes, and his, you will both still look at other people who you find visually appealing. If you did both pluck out your eyes you would both find yourself attracted to pleasant voices in the opposite sex. We are all only human.
Your friends likely don’t have the maturity or experience in relationships to realize this yet. Either that or they are kidding themselves.
It is polite however, for someone who is in a relationship not to give off the wrong impression by either constantly staring or flirting with others. If that is the kind of behavior your friends are seeing, you should cut down on it. If they are getting after you because you think Brad Pitt and that guy at the mall are cute, ignore them.
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The Question
Sorry if this is really long but PLEASE HELP
My boyfriend Levi and I have been together almost two years. I'm almost 18 and he just turned 18. This is his first relationship and he's not very good with people. He's independent. I'm the complete opposite. He's really sweet though and will cater to me. By that I mean, if he's upset he just bottles it up. Occasionally he says I should do the same but he still lets me cry to him. He's going away to college in a few months and this has been a big issue with us for awhile. He's the type that wants to live his teenage years to the fullest and drink and smoke and party... I disagree. I refuse to be with a smoker or someone who drinks (irresponsibly) So anyway, right now we've got a few problems. But you need to understand that I'm the nicest person in the world until you do me wrong.
Levi's Dad and Step Mom are really nice people. I get along with them great. Levi's Mom is a horrible person. For no reason. Her name is Carrie. Now, when Levi and I first got together, when I'd occasionally hear from Carrie she was pretty okay. I didn't dislike her at all. But Levi told me a little about her and said she's a bitch and she's rude. I figured, well, she's been okay to me this far. I'll just wait and see before drawing any conclusions. Well, I waited and I saw. She's the most horrible person I've ever met. She's so rude to me for no reason! Levi always tried to keep Carrie and I apart. I now see why.
Occasionally over the past couple years she'd get on the phone while Levi and I were talking and tell a joke or something... But that doesn't make me forgive all the times she's just been so horrid to both me and Levi. She thinks she hasn't been so bad to me.
Last weekend I FINALLY met her for the first time. She came to pick up Levi from my house and my Mother and I went outside to say hello. We walked up to the car and I say "Hi!" totally politely. She said nothing back to me. She didn't even look at me. In fact, I'd turn my head away but keep my eyes on her to see if she'd look at me and she did. With a glare. She talked to my Mom about how they both thought the other looked familiar but she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. What did I ever do to her!?
All she said to Levi on their way home was how I was wearing too much makeup around my eyes for her taste. I dont care! My boyfriend was over! We were at my brother's party that night! Why wouldn't I wear makeup!?
So... Carrie has been working the graveyard shift at work. SHE WORKS AT JUVI ! no wonder she hates me. lol. I'm a teenager. So anyway Carrie has a rule about being off the phone at 10 pm on schoolnights. If time gets away from us and we're even 5 minutes late she freaks out! So she left at 9 pm and she works until 6 am or so. So we just decided to be on the phone until 11-12. No harm done. Levi can't get to sleep until 2-3 am anyway because of his insomnia.
So a couple of nights later, Carrie's at work and Levi and I are talking. It's around 12 or so and his Mom comes home and finds Levi on the phone. All hell breaks loose. We got off the phone and Levi tells his Mom that I was in a fight with my Mom and Brother and I needed someone to talk to.
The next day, she calls my house and tells me I'm disrespectful, and I'm insecure and she's going to block my phone number so I can't call so late. I said "How dare you call me and insult and threaten me!?" You see, Carrie never has anyone stand up to her without her winning in the end. So when I stand up and tell her that she hasn't earned my respect and I dont back down then she goes completely crazy.
Today is a friday. Levi usually comes over on fridays and/or saturdays. So this morning he tells his Mom that he's going to come over to my house after school. She has no problem. At around 1 pm she calls me and says "Hey Jessica, I just unblocked your number, call me right back to see if it works." So I did. It worked. I had no intentions of talking to her. I just wanted to get off the phone and she said "You see what happens when you decide to not act like an adult?" (she meant in reference to not following her rules about getting off the phone at 10, and then she blocked my number.) and I said "Carrie. I don't respect you or your rules that don't have a point other than to show that you're the boss. Maybe if you were polite and nicer to me and maybe fed your son a little bit I'd respect you a lot more."
So she calls Levi at school and tells him to come home after school to "mow the lawn." So he went home. They left to go pick up the lawn mower at his grandparents' house. And on the way Carrie told him that she doesn't like me, I'm a huge mistake that he's making and he'll regret that he and I ever got together. She told him that I called her and tried starting a fight which is a huge lie. She told him that she was permanently blocking my number. Levi stood up to her for once and said she doesn't need to tell him what is or isn't a mistake in life. That's for him to learn himself. And he told her he wasn't going home with her.
Later, after they talked some more and I hear all about it, Levi completely changed.... He said that something needs to change. I dont get along with his family and it's stressing him out and he basically said that if nothing changes by the end of this summer that he's going to break up with me because he doesn't want this tension in his family. That hurt so badly. I never did anything. I know he loves me I just think he doesn't want to admit that he fears his mother. I told him that if this all affects him so badly that he should tell her that she and I should have nothing to do with each other. But I'll give her one chance if she decides to be genuinely nice to me and never rude then i'll forgive her and try to have a nice relationship. He just makes it out like "Carrie never will budge" so I need to make it better. And I never did anything. I'm not going to kiss her ass!
So I guess I just need to know what should I do about Levi? Should I just break up with his since he seems like he could give me up over that bitch so easily?
It could be because he's really really stressed out lately that he just doesn't care anymore. but we really love each other and... I dont know. I just want to know what you think I should do and say. His college is 4-5 hours away... is he worth it?
The Answer
However 'right' you might have been hun, you are still a teenager and she is still his mother. It wasn't smart, or respectful for you to speak to her the way you did on the phone. She might not have earned your respect, but as your boyfriend's parent, she is given a certain degree of respect automatically. Like a judge or a doctor, there is a certain degree of respect that just goes along with that position in someone's life.
You did pick a fight with her. Even though she 'started it' by calling you names. The correct response would have been "I am none of those things Carrie, and I’m not able to speak to you if you can’t talk to me respectfully." When you got into a 'How dare you!' fit, you fed the monster, and increased the severity of the fight.
When she called you to tell you your number was unblocked, the correct response wasn't to dismiss her rules and her authority. You are dating her teenage son, her rules and authority count, even if you don't like them or her. When he is her home, her rules are law. The correct response would have been "I'm glad you've changed your mind Carrie, goodbye."
Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I'm not suggesting that Carrie is a decent human being, however, you do need to respect her and your behavior wasn't perfect or respectful.
You don’t have to kiss her ass. You have to behave perfectly, even when she doesn’t. You have to be the adult, even when she throws childish temper tantrums.
You have to be respectful, even when she isn’t.
That means a few things:
One: It means respecting her rules, even when your boyfriend chooses not too. You don’t respect her rules because she has ‘earned’ that respect. You respect them because she is his parent and he is her child. Period. Whatever she is, you haven’t called her abusive or insane, and those are the only things that should make you or your boyfriend disrespect her rules, if they are illegal or deliberately harmful.
Two: Don’t pick fights, or escalate them. Don’t take the bait when she says inappropriate things to you. If she insults you to your face or calls you names all you say, as calmly and respectfully as possible, is “Carrie I don’t agree with what you said and I can’t talk to you about this if you are going to call me names. Good bye.” Develop a thicker skin and stop worrying about what she says when you aren’t around.
Three: Remember that just because someone is unkind or rude to you, doesn’t give you permission to be rube back. It isn’t okay for her to do it, but you can’t stop her. It’s not okay for you to do it either, and you can stop yourself.
Only you can decide if your relationship is working out and if it is worth it. Also, only you can decide to soften the fighting between his mother and yourself. It is understandable that he would ask you to take the high road in this situation, knowing that his mother won’t, and also knowing, that as her son, he has to respect her regardless.
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The Question
First off, I'd just like to start by getting this off my chest: What right do you have to be making accusations about a persons personality like that? First off, the reason why I went out of my way to post that to start with was because it's important to her and because she wants to. Don't assume for a second that because somebody doesn't bother putting down all of the minor details that you know everything about the situation. This is something that has bothered her her whole life and she wants to do something about it. Yet you go on accusing me of doing this for pride reasons.
Now, as for things like why it'll be harder the longer it is, this is because the longer she goes with failed attempts the more mental walls she'll put up in her head, as well as the harder it becomes for the body to make new habits.
As for all of the more common place methods, I didn't list them because I figured it would have been rather obvious that they've been looked at already. She does masturbate, it doesn't help. She's used toys, didn't work. We haven't done anal simply for the sake of niether of us really want to. Yes, we've gone over most of the things she likes, but again, as she's never achieved an orgasm yet, it hasn't made much of a difference one way or another.
As I noted in what I said about her pulling off. It's not something she wants to do, her muscles all contract when she gets close which forces her to start to curl up. This is why we got the muscle relaxants. Not because I wanted to jump strait into using drugs to solve problems. Which for that matter, we chose herbal muscle relaxants so that it'd cause less strain on the body. She really dislikes the fact that it happens and she also was the one that said she wanted to after I suggested it.
While I respect the fact that you were trying to help, don't assume for a second that you have any right to be making judgements about people because you got a small glimpse of what their situation is. I posted that for some advice, not for a lecture in respect (although in all honesty I find it rather hypocritical that you'd speak to me of such things while making judgements of me). If you have any tips or suggestions you can make, then feel free, but besides that, keep your opinions to yourself.
The Answer
I read what you write. Not what you DON'T write so I make absolutely no apology for the assumption that the things you didn't mention, didn't happen.
I am sorry you were offended. That was certainly not the intention. I hope you can re-read my advice and recognize that at no point did I call you names or accuse you of being selfish. My only 'accusation' of you, was the opinion that your should reevaluate her level of interest in this activity. I did so because you spoke predominantly of YOUR interest and your feelings and less of her feelings on the matter, which I am sure you agree, are the most relevant and I am glad to hear you are fully aware of.
That assumption of mine, even if it were true, wouldn't make you a bad person, but that did make me feel you might benefit from a bit of a different perspective. Again: I read what you write. I have nothing more to go on.
You are completely free to disagree with my perspective and feel it doesn't apply to your situation. I don't mind that at all. I don't give advice because I feel I am 100% right all the time. I give advice because I have perspective and I'm willing to share it.
I do mind your assumption that I was out to get you or that I was making 'judgments'. As I said before, I read what you write, not your mind or the things you don't write. I responded accordingly.
You specifcally seemed hurt that I suggested you take your pride out of the equation. I am sorry that was taken harshly, but I have mentioned above why I felt that perspective might be useful to you, based on what you had written and how you had written it.
To elaborate that point a bit: Making sex the hard work of achieving orgasm can make sex stressful and not so much fun. You need to be able to keep things light from time to time to keep it enjoyable and calm and not make every tryst orgasm goal-oriented. The best gift you can give her is to let her have fun and relax from time to time and keep any disspointment from poisioning the relationship. Keeping things occassionally just light and fun will keep your friendship strong, and keep her from getting depressed about the situtition.
Please, don't think that by saying that I am 'assuming' you two don't have any fun together. I am simply sharing a perspective. Evaluate it for yourself. Accept it or Rreject it based on what you know of your stituation.
I would apologize, had I called your names or assumed you were an awful person, but I didn't and I don't think that. I have my own bias and my opinion on things. My advice will always be coloured by that. I also will not apologize for that colouring.
You came to this site, posted publicly, and offered a 'small glimpse' into your situation. I didn't drag it out of you. I did not force you to share. I responded to that 'small glimpse' with my opinion and advice, as you requested. I will not keep my opinions to myself on a public form because they might not perfectly fit a stituation. If I, or others, did that, Advicentors would not exist.
I happy to hear you have made all of the regular attempts to deal with the problem. That being the case it is probably time for her to speak to her doctor to find out if there are any physical issue. There likely aren't, but it's good to make sure.
Relaxtion tenchiniques (google: progressive relaxtion) will likely be safer, and eventually more effective at teaching her to relax then tricking her nervous system with muscle relaxants.
Best of luck.
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The Question
what are the chances or me getting cancer if i smoke marlboro? aka cigs. i mean i'm 14. and i kinda got into doing them...and i dont do it alot but i wanna stop but i dont....help! also i have a "drink" like once every two years..
The Answer
Not everyone who smokes dies of cancer. However, some statics say as many as 75% of all smokers do die of cancer or other smoking related illness. 25% of all smokers die before at age of 65.
Those odds are pretty grim.
If you live in Canada there is this wonderful thing call the Smokers Helpline. It's a place you can call to get some facts and different approaches to quiting, if you are finding it tough to do alone: 1 877 513-5333.
I am not sure if the States has a similar line, but I am sure there are other places, maybe even around school, where you can get some facts and help in quitting.
Best o luck.
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The Question
i am a bisexual, but i know nothing about how to tell if a guy is gay/bi or not. i know that there are certain things that let you know if a guy is gay/bi or not, but i dont know them. i really need help, cause i wanna hook up with someone, and i dont know how to tell if he is gay/bi or not. how can you tell if a guy is gay/bi??
The Answer
Ask them if they have a boyfriend.
Ask them if they would like one.
Seriously, there is no way to TELL for sure. You can pick up the same kind of sutble hints that you can with a straight person that tells you they might be flirting with you, but the same way you can't really be sure if someone of the oppisite sex likes you or not until you ask them, you can't be certain if someone of the same sex likes you or not until you ask them.
One good way to find out about others is to be open about your own sexuality and discuss it camly and comfortably like it's no big deal. That allows other people around you to speak comfortably about themselves.
But there is no magic litmus test when it comes to sexuality. At some point you have got to just come out and use your words.
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The Question
is it more likely to get pregnant if you start your period while having sex? and your not using a condom?
or is it just like any other time?
The Answer
It's just like any other time.
Sperm can live in the female body for 5 to 7 days. That means there is no real 'safe' time to have unprotected sex.
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The Question
ok so my friend and i made plans to go to this concert we already have the tickets and its this friday... we dont have a ride back and my brother is having a party and its kinda like my birthday party to. so many of my friends are going to it including my boyfriend and i barely ever get to see him.. well the party and the concert are on the same night, the concert i think is going to be so stupid and its just like garage bands except for just surrender but i dont really like them that much anyways well my friend is super excited about going to this concert but i would much rather go hang out with my boyfriend who i hardly ever see besides in school and party... i told my friend i dont think i could go, i mean we dont even have a ride back and stuff and she freaked out saying how much stress i was putting on her but like.. i dont see whats so stressful about it and that i shouldnt blow her off to go party and that she will never talk to me again if i dont go with her and shes going to call the cops? yeah thats what she said ha. i dont want to blow her off and make her upset but i really want to go to my party and i thought i was being nice and i told her that ill give her my ticket that i paid for and she could bring someone else that actually would want to go but apparently that meant to her i was being rude and only thinking of myself? im so stuck if other people were in my situation what would you do? go to a party with all your friends or go to a concert that your going to have a horrible time at to make your friend happy?
if i go to the concert all my friends and boyfriend will be stuck at my house alone with my brother and his friends..
The Answer
You are being a bit rude hun, since you already agreed to plans with her.
It's best you admit that, and apologize.
Of course, you are free to do whatever you want. Sure, I'd prefer going to the party as well! but that doesn't mean you don't owe your friend an apology if you aren't going with her to the concert. That would be breaking your plans with her, and you'd be mad in her place too. She's allowed to be mad.
So apologize, be kind to her, and then do whatever you choose to do. Just know that you aren't being all that nice to her, and maybe she will never forgive you... Meh, that is just the choice you are free to make, and something you'll need to live with. Sounds like she isn't really someone you want to be hanging out with anyways.
'Cause nothing you say is going to make her happy about the fact you are ditching her.
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The Question
i have been going to the same church for about 8 years, and my paretns work there. i am a core kid, but i have gotten "replaced" but some other girl. she has taken the spot of all the original core kids. so to speak. so the original core kids are getting burnt out of our current church and we havent been getting anything out of it, so we are going to a different church for the next few weeks, and my youth pastor isnt happy with that. he says im not being faithful. what should i do?
The Answer
Your question is far too vague for us to give you any really helpful advice.
However, I can at least say this: Going to church and participating in church activities is not something you should do to get appreciated or special thanks. It is something you do for personal rewards as a person and to support others. You can’t have been ‘replaced’ as a member of the congregation. There is always more room, and more good that can be done. If you are angry because you aren't getting 'special treatment' then that is certainly not the right reason to attend another church.
Of course, if you simply want to experience a different environment, that doesn't make you unfaithful. Although it is certainly not putting your faith to practice to change churches simply because you don't feel as special to them as you did before.
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The Question
My boyfriend is physicaly abbusive i know this bc He broke his moms ribs, hits her, threw a plazma tv at his 12 yr brother [hes 15] and beat up his dad so bad the cops came and was prod of it. so far he never hurt me ever. idk if he knows i know stuff like that about him but we never talk about it. My friends say hes also emotinaly abbusive. i dont think so but is he?
Whenever i tell him how i feel about somthing about 'us' when im angry. he doesnt respond. for days. even weeks. till im like okay im sorry i overreacted [evn if i wasnt] then a week l8tr he'll text me hey and pretend it never happened. he always iggnores it. i've cried over him so many times, i dont think he knows but whenever we have a prob he stops talking to me till i say sorry for even bringing it up. One time i think he knew i was crying. he didnt do anything about it. Just avoids me for awhile. normaly even when i say sry he doesnt contact me till a week l8r. his friends say he does it 2 evr1.if he doesnt want to deal with somthing he wont. so its not just me.
hes not emotinaly abbusive right? i mean he just doesnt want to deal with it not trying to hurt me..right?
The Answer
He is physically abusive. That is plenty good enough a reason to run for cover! A boy who will hurt his little brother, will eventually probably hurt you.
And no, he isn't trying to 'not hurt you' by ignoring you for weeks. He is showing you he doesn't really give a damn about how you are feeling, and simply doesn't want to deal with any of your unhappiness. That isn't abusive necessarily, but isn't loving either.
Someone who can't stand by you and support you when you are unhappy, is someone who isn't really in a relationship with you at all.
This guy is clearly not ready to be with anyone. He has a problem with anger and a refusal to commit or respect you. Stop the crying by getting rid of him.
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The Question
Ok, so here's my situation. One of my friends and I have been fooling around for a while now (about 5 months now). She's fully able to have sex and all that, but the problem is that she wont relax enough or let herself go enough to actually have an orgasm. She's been like this all her life. I can get her close, but when it starts to get too close I guess she realizes the situation and either A) loses the feeling, or if she's really close B) Pulls off me. It's not intentional that she does this, her body just convulses because of the shock and ends up with no climax. So far we've tried a few things. I'm getting her to do kegal excersizes, and we've gotten muscle relaxants (the muscle relaxants actually worked really well considering she had her period at the time, but her legs gave out and she fell down >_>). Anyways, any advice would be appreciated. I'm starting to run out of ideas and I know that the longer it takes for her to have an orgasm the harder it gets overall for her to actually have one. Plus I just feel bad when she doesn't get to finish.
The Answer
I don't know where you picked up that the longer is takes the harder it will become... there is absolutely no physical reason for that. Mentally she might struggle more or less as time passes. She will relax and orgasm, when she relaxes and orgasms. Or she never will.
What you need to do, before you do anything else, is take your pride out of the equation.
Next, talk to her about this and truly listen to what she says.
Is achieving an orgasm important to her right now?
Is she embarrassed or uncomfortable with your efforts?
Is she disappointed by the failure and tired of trying?
Does she feel dissatisfied with the current sexual situation?
Maybe she wants to keep working at this. Or maybe she just keeps going alone with it because it’s such a big deal to you. You need to find out for sure and you need to go alone with what is important to her.
Secondly, have you tried toys? Mutual masturbation? Lubricants? Oral sex? You mention giving her drugs… but not using any of the more common methods by which women reach orgasm… Most importantly of all: Have you talked to her about her masturbation habits? Have you explored what she has most liked with other partners?
The fact that you didn’t mention any of those sort of things AND that she is consistently pulling you off of her, makes me think that you need to very honestly ask her how important the orgasm issue is to her. If she isn’t on board with your plan to get her off, it will never happen.
You can’t make her want it. You can only respect what she does want.
Don’t think that the fact she doesn’t orgasm makes a person selfish. What makes a selfish person is someone who doesn’t listen to their partners views. You need to her the space to tell you what she feels about this and respect what she wants to do.
If she wants to keep trying, look over the list above, if she doesn’t, lay off for a while.
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The Question
Okay, so tonight I ended a friendship with someone very close to me. I'm crying as I write this.
I'm trying to stay calm, and I'm not going skitzo and trying to get revenge. I'm just trying to accept it, these things are a part of life.
Before I ask my question, please don't say something like "you'll be friends again soon probably" we won't.
We're fighting about religion, and have been for a while. Our friendship has been on the rocks for a while, and this was declared the end.
Basically without going into depth, I'm not allowed to think negative thoughts about a religion she's not even a part in or knows anything about. She told me to stop talking about it and I did, and then she finds out I was still thinking negative about it, and then went crazy at me.
Anyway, the question.
About 5 months ago she bought us tickets to go see a show. The show is in June so there's still 2 months to go. She, obviously has my ticket. I'm not really fussed about actually going, I'm going to another date because I knew something like this would happen, so I quickly bought tickets to another date. All I want is my money.
So I was thinking of getting one of her friends to go instead, and give me the money, but her friends are just as angry as her over it.
Now I know deep down she's a good person, no matter how mad I am at her I still think that, and she wouldn't not give me my money just to be bitchy. But the only thing is, where I live you can't send money in the post because letters are always being intercepted.
And she'll have that whole 'I never wanna see you again' thing going on. We never cross paths, so it's not like if I ever bump into her she can just give me the money and we be on our merry way. We'd actually have to meet up.
So how could she give me the money?
I won't be asking for a few days, because it may seem rude and they may be a small shimmer of hope of saving the friendship. I don't think it's worth saving, if she's going to be controlling like this. But who knows.
The Answer
Leave it a few weeks.
I have to tell you the truth, I have people out there is this world who owe me $60 to $200 that I will never ask for the money back.
I will either not ask because I consider them friends, and have accepted the money was a gift OR because they are no longer my friends and the money is a small price to pay for not having to speak to them.
I would strongly suggest, you let the ticket be water under the bridge. In your own mind, gift it to her, to do with she pleases. That is my advice to you.
If you really want too, at least wait a week or two and send her a brief message asking her to sell the ticket on your behalf and either put the buyer in contact with you to give you the money, or to leave the money with an agreed apon third party. Even asking her to drop it off at your house and plan on not being there when she does is fine.
The most important thing is not get drawn into a pointless argument or drama. Ask once, offer a solution for dropping it off, and then let it go.
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The Question
my name is ashley. my x-bf hates me because i got pregnet after we already broke up.and now hes going out with one of my friend..and he doesnt believe me that im pregnet even though i showed him the pictures from the doctors..what can i do to get him to belive im pregnet?
i need advice,
ashley
The Answer
You are a teenager right? So is he? Do his parents know?
Call his mother. Or write her a letter and include the photos. State specifically that her son does not believe you.
I'm dead serious. Let his parents know. Don't be nasty or cruel about it; just be straight forward and honest.
She might take her son's side, but if you are polite and honest it's more likely she will be furious with him. Either way, the cat will be out of the bag and he will be forced to acknowledge the situation, even if he continues to behave badly or lie about it.
If you know the child is his, and you know you are pregnant and he is behaving like a juvenile delinquent, take it up with his parents.
He is a minor still I imagine, so the fact that you are pregnant will affect them just as much as it will him. Not only do they have a right to know, they need to step up and be his parents, and get him to behave. Hopefully they will do that.
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The Question
I have a frined whos in a relationship, and is engaged. Well yesterday she told me that she likes someone....whos not her fiance. She says that she is still in love with her fiance, its just that she likes this other guy as more than a friend.
Now my question is: Do you think its possible to be in love with someone, but like someone else? Because the way I look at it if you say youre in love with someone, you shouldnt like someone else cause that, to me, shows that you dont love the person.... What does every one else think?
The Answer
I think you are very wrong about that.
Although there is something bewitching about the idea of the one perfect love and never wanting anything (or anyone) else, that simply isn’t a rational expectation for most people.
Love isn't a cure all. It doesn't fix all your problems, or change who you are and it doesn't make you blind and deaf to the other people around you.
When you love someone, you choose them, and choose to put them first, but you can't just magically stop finding other people attractive, either sexually or romantically.
You can be in love, and Brad Pitt would still be sexy, and the cute guy at Starbucks might still make you blush when he compliments you. You might even find at some point, feelings start to run deeper then that. That doesn’t make anyone a horrible person, only human.
The simple truth is that our feelings are not reliable. If we only ever listened to our feelings we would never stay in love with anybody. Not a single marriage on this planet would last if we indulged every passing feeling, or even half of them! We would get angry, frustrated, bored, and restless. Maybe we would feel a passing fancy for someone else and we would just dump our past love. It is impossible to expect to be feeling love every second of every day, no matter how much you love someone. Our brains and bodies don’t work that way.
The best thing you can do is not judge her for her feelings. As long as she is keeping her actions loving and respectful to her fiancé, this could be an important lesson for her in how to maintain her choices despite her passing attractions. She might also just have some fears and insecurities she is working through before the marriage OR she might be coming to terms with her own unhappiness in the relationship.
This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. It means she is human and struggling to make choices in her life.
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