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My boyfriend and his Mom. Kinda Long but PLEASE HELP!!!
Sorry if this is really long but PLEASE HELP
My boyfriend Levi and I have been together almost two years. I'm almost 18 and he just turned 18. This is his first relationship and he's not very good with people. He's independent. I'm the complete opposite. He's really sweet though and will cater to me. By that I mean, if he's upset he just bottles it up. Occasionally he says I should do the same but he still lets me cry to him. He's going away to college in a few months and this has been a big issue with us for awhile. He's the type that wants to live his teenage years to the fullest and drink and smoke and party... I disagree. I refuse to be with a smoker or someone who drinks (irresponsibly) So anyway, right now we've got a few problems. But you need to understand that I'm the nicest person in the world until you do me wrong.
Levi's Dad and Step Mom are really nice people. I get along with them great. Levi's Mom is a horrible person. For no reason. Her name is Carrie. Now, when Levi and I first got together, when I'd occasionally hear from Carrie she was pretty okay. I didn't dislike her at all. But Levi told me a little about her and said she's a bitch and she's rude. I figured, well, she's been okay to me this far. I'll just wait and see before drawing any conclusions. Well, I waited and I saw. She's the most horrible person I've ever met. She's so rude to me for no reason! Levi always tried to keep Carrie and I apart. I now see why.
Occasionally over the past couple years she'd get on the phone while Levi and I were talking and tell a joke or something... But that doesn't make me forgive all the times she's just been so horrid to both me and Levi. She thinks she hasn't been so bad to me.
Last weekend I FINALLY met her for the first time. She came to pick up Levi from my house and my Mother and I went outside to say hello. We walked up to the car and I say "Hi!" totally politely. She said nothing back to me. She didn't even look at me. In fact, I'd turn my head away but keep my eyes on her to see if she'd look at me and she did. With a glare. She talked to my Mom about how they both thought the other looked familiar but she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. What did I ever do to her!?
All she said to Levi on their way home was how I was wearing too much makeup around my eyes for her taste. I dont care! My boyfriend was over! We were at my brother's party that night! Why wouldn't I wear makeup!?
So... Carrie has been working the graveyard shift at work. SHE WORKS AT JUVI ! no wonder she hates me. lol. I'm a teenager. So anyway Carrie has a rule about being off the phone at 10 pm on schoolnights. If time gets away from us and we're even 5 minutes late she freaks out! So she left at 9 pm and she works until 6 am or so. So we just decided to be on the phone until 11-12. No harm done. Levi can't get to sleep until 2-3 am anyway because of his insomnia.
So a couple of nights later, Carrie's at work and Levi and I are talking. It's around 12 or so and his Mom comes home and finds Levi on the phone. All hell breaks loose. We got off the phone and Levi tells his Mom that I was in a fight with my Mom and Brother and I needed someone to talk to.
The next day, she calls my house and tells me I'm disrespectful, and I'm insecure and she's going to block my phone number so I can't call so late. I said "How dare you call me and insult and threaten me!?" You see, Carrie never has anyone stand up to her without her winning in the end. So when I stand up and tell her that she hasn't earned my respect and I dont back down then she goes completely crazy.
Today is a friday. Levi usually comes over on fridays and/or saturdays. So this morning he tells his Mom that he's going to come over to my house after school. She has no problem. At around 1 pm she calls me and says "Hey Jessica, I just unblocked your number, call me right back to see if it works." So I did. It worked. I had no intentions of talking to her. I just wanted to get off the phone and she said "You see what happens when you decide to not act like an adult?" (she meant in reference to not following her rules about getting off the phone at 10, and then she blocked my number.) and I said "Carrie. I don't respect you or your rules that don't have a point other than to show that you're the boss. Maybe if you were polite and nicer to me and maybe fed your son a little bit I'd respect you a lot more."
So she calls Levi at school and tells him to come home after school to "mow the lawn." So he went home. They left to go pick up the lawn mower at his grandparents' house. And on the way Carrie told him that she doesn't like me, I'm a huge mistake that he's making and he'll regret that he and I ever got together. She told him that I called her and tried starting a fight which is a huge lie. She told him that she was permanently blocking my number. Levi stood up to her for once and said she doesn't need to tell him what is or isn't a mistake in life. That's for him to learn himself. And he told her he wasn't going home with her.
Later, after they talked some more and I hear all about it, Levi completely changed.... He said that something needs to change. I dont get along with his family and it's stressing him out and he basically said that if nothing changes by the end of this summer that he's going to break up with me because he doesn't want this tension in his family. That hurt so badly. I never did anything. I know he loves me I just think he doesn't want to admit that he fears his mother. I told him that if this all affects him so badly that he should tell her that she and I should have nothing to do with each other. But I'll give her one chance if she decides to be genuinely nice to me and never rude then i'll forgive her and try to have a nice relationship. He just makes it out like "Carrie never will budge" so I need to make it better. And I never did anything. I'm not going to kiss her ass!
So I guess I just need to know what should I do about Levi? Should I just break up with his since he seems like he could give me up over that bitch so easily?
It could be because he's really really stressed out lately that he just doesn't care anymore. but we really love each other and... I dont know. I just want to know what you think I should do and say. His college is 4-5 hours away... is he worth it?
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I have to disagree (at least partially) with the other advice given. Respect is earned, not given automatically. I'm not suggesting that you treat Carrie the way she treats you--you should strive to be civil with all people you meet--but "respect" is a term that's thrown around a lot lately that everyone seems to feel entitled to, and in your case, Carrie is entitled to very little.
Anyway, your question seems to be "is he worth it?", and to that, only you can give a good answer to. If I were in your case, I would say "No, it isn't", but I'm not you, and nobody else can decide this for you.
I'm sorry for what you may see as a flimsy answer, but this really isn't the kind of thing that can be answered (accurately) over the internet in advice columns.
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However 'right' you might have been hun, you are still a teenager and she is still his mother. It wasn't smart, or respectful for you to speak to her the way you did on the phone. She might not have earned your respect, but as your boyfriend's parent, she is given a certain degree of respect automatically. Like a judge or a doctor, there is a certain degree of respect that just goes along with that position in someone's life.
You did pick a fight with her. Even though she 'started it' by calling you names. The correct response would have been "I am none of those things Carrie, and I’m not able to speak to you if you can’t talk to me respectfully." When you got into a 'How dare you!' fit, you fed the monster, and increased the severity of the fight.
When she called you to tell you your number was unblocked, the correct response wasn't to dismiss her rules and her authority. You are dating her teenage son, her rules and authority count, even if you don't like them or her. When he is her home, her rules are law. The correct response would have been "I'm glad you've changed your mind Carrie, goodbye."
Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I'm not suggesting that Carrie is a decent human being, however, you do need to respect her and your behavior wasn't perfect or respectful.
You don’t have to kiss her ass. You have to behave perfectly, even when she doesn’t. You have to be the adult, even when she throws childish temper tantrums.
You have to be respectful, even when she isn’t.
That means a few things:
One: It means respecting her rules, even when your boyfriend chooses not too. You don’t respect her rules because she has ‘earned’ that respect. You respect them because she is his parent and he is her child. Period. Whatever she is, you haven’t called her abusive or insane, and those are the only things that should make you or your boyfriend disrespect her rules, if they are illegal or deliberately harmful.
Two: Don’t pick fights, or escalate them. Don’t take the bait when she says inappropriate things to you. If she insults you to your face or calls you names all you say, as calmly and respectfully as possible, is “Carrie I don’t agree with what you said and I can’t talk to you about this if you are going to call me names. Good bye.” Develop a thicker skin and stop worrying about what she says when you aren’t around.
Three: Remember that just because someone is unkind or rude to you, doesn’t give you permission to be rube back. It isn’t okay for her to do it, but you can’t stop her. It’s not okay for you to do it either, and you can stop yourself.
Only you can decide if your relationship is working out and if it is worth it. Also, only you can decide to soften the fighting between his mother and yourself. It is understandable that he would ask you to take the high road in this situation, knowing that his mother won’t, and also knowing, that as her son, he has to respect her regardless.
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