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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
i have been prescribed to take 30 mgs Adderall XR (slow release) once a day.
after a while of taking it i discovered that i was becoming lightheaded every time i stood up, seeing stars, blacking out a little bit, having to hold on to something for a few seconds until i felt okay again.
it really worried me so i told my psychiatrist. she said it was probably the medication and that i should just be more careful when i stood up, not to worry about it. even a while after that it was still happening and really freaking me out.
on my own i decided to take 20 mg of regular Adderall (not the slow release) once a day, and the lightheadedness stopped almost immediately.
i haven't noticed any other weird side effects like that.
...did i do the right thing? will my psychiatrist be upset? is there something else i should do?thank you very much..
The Answer
You might have done the right thing for yourself, but it was WRONG to do so without talking to your doctor.
It is always wrong to change your dossage or medication without speaking to a doctor. It can also be dangerous.
I'm not sure if they will be upset. If I were your doctor I'd just be happy you told me so that I could treat you propperly. You never know all the drug interactions and risks, whereas your doctor should.
Tell you doctor about the change you made and how you feel about it. Ask for thier guidance and opinion.
It's always dangerous to take medication without a proffessional opinion, even if you feeling better.
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The Question
I'm 18. Should I go out with a 26 year old guy?
The Answer
No one can stop you from dating a 26 year old.
It's the same way that no one can stop you from driving 200 miles/hr on a completely deserted road.
No one can stop you, and the only one you are going to hurt is yourself.
Is it a good idea for an 18 year-old to date a 26 year-old? Probably not. I'm 23 myself and in all honesty, I wouldn't date an 18 year-old. I don't have enough in common with an 18 year-old to consider them as a serious partner.
I think age diffence becomes a very different issue once both members are over 25. At that point, you have a good idea of who you are and how you want to live.
However, as a teen and a young twenty-something, age DOES matter. Life experience and choices matter. A lot. You can only achieve those things with time.
I would be worried about a guy who is 26 and still has so much in common with an 18 year-old that he would date one seriously. Not because there is anything wrong with being 18, but because by 26 years-old you should have VERY different goals and interests then you had at 18.
If he is a healthy adult, he should be at a very different place in his life then you are. If he is at the same place in life as you, an 18 year-old is, that doesn't very reflect well on him.
Go ahead and date him if you would like. I might be completely wrong, but I will tell in you in total honesty the guys my age who I see dating teenage girls are, without exception, the ones that no girl my age would date because they generally just don't have thier shit togeather.
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The Question
my boyfriend and i have been dating for 5 months. he is 18 and just graduated high school in may. in all the time we've been dating, or since i've known him which was in august, he hasn't had a job. he had a car until he got his license suspended in november for a speeding ticket. this means that all this time we've been dating, I'VE been either going to his house to see him or been lugging him around everywhere we go and I'VE been paying for us to go out. and quite honestly, i hate it. he was supposed to get his license back in april but couldn't because it costs over $200 and he doesn't have the money. his parents are helping him and he's mad at THEM for the fact that he cant get it back. he has done some yard work and stuff for neighbors to get money occasionally but it's just not a stable job you know? he's not aspiring to go to college so whatever he does is just going to be a job, not a big career. he's takin me out and payed for me a few times, but it's majority me 95% of the time. we dont even go out every night or anything. his mom is apparently on his case to get a job, which he hates. he's always complaining of sittin around bored when im not there and ill ask him 'do you have a job yet?' or 'why not go look for a job?' and he gets ill. i understand that he doesnt want me nagging him about getting a job or getting his license back like his parents do, but on the other i dont just wanna lay back and let him think im some bank. i've had a job for a year and a half and i work for my money and i pay for the gas in my car that's used when we go out. i dont wanna push him about it because that's what caused my best friend and her boyfriend of almost a year to break up, because they were in the same exact position and she was sick of riding him around and paying for him, and he was sick of her nagging so he dumped her. i dont wanna be like that, but he's 18 for god's sake. he has to do SOMETHING with his life besides rely on other people or else it's not gonna be me that he relies on. everytime i ask him about finding a job, he's always like "im workin on it" or some smart remark, but i've never once seen him turn in any application anywhere, or heard him say he's been out looking for a job. i just want him to be responsible, and be able to get his license back and be able to have a [i hate to say this but..] "normal" relationship. that doesnt mean i want him to shower me with gifts and jewelry and go to a fancy dinner everynight, but being able to go out to eat or to the movies would be great sometimes without me having to pay. he has zero dollars saved up to get his license back, and not one speck of a job in sight and he could honestly careless. i know it bothers him that he doesn't have his car but i want him to DO something about it. i hate it, my mom hates it that im in this situation AGAIN because it was the same exact thing with my ex, and just UGH! how can i talk to him and try to encourage him to get a job without sounding like a mother? i've even tried by telling him places that are looking for help and would be easy, even part-time jobs, but no. what can i dooo? i hate doing this!
The Answer
There is a difference between nagging someone, and being honest about what you can live with.
Don't nag. Just be honset.
Tell him you are feeling resentful because you always have to pay for everything.
Tell him that you think you are going to break up, one way or another, if he doesn't get his shit togeather.
Tell him you know he can make his own choices, but right now he is making a choice that causes you to loose respect for him, and that isn't fun.
Look, if he dumps you for 'nagging' him when all you are really doing is sharing your feelings on the situation, he is looser. I know it always hurts to breakup with someone, but seriously, if he can't accept the message from you that the way is currently living is not okay, then you are probably better off without him anyways. You wouldn't want to be with him four years from now if he was still living this way.
Not being able to scrounge togeather $200 in 3 months is pitiful. There is no reason a healthy young man couldn't manage that if he was trying.
He isn't trying. Call him on it, and accept that if your relationship ends it wont be because you nagged, it will be because he didn't value the relationship enough to get his shit togeather.
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The Question
Well...I have been declared a friend with benefits with my friend Brandon. But, I told him I wanted to be more, but he has a girlfriend. And just this morning, I found out that he was depressed over something that happened with his gf, this big fight her parents had. He told me he was crying...this was a side that I had never seen of Brandon. And then I realized that I am probably nothing more of a friend to him who is in the way of a relationship. But when I found this out, I didn't know if I should be upset or not. Then I got the news of everything okay between the parents and stuff now, I was happy for him...just because he was happy. But what am I going to do? Should I leave him alone from now on? Stop talking to him? I really don't want to be a problem between the relationship. And it would hurt me so if I did. So I would be grateful if someone gave me some advice.
PS: Sorry it was so long.
The Answer
If you fool around with someone in a relationship, that will ALWAYS be a problem.
Nothing can make it okay and nothing can make you feel okay about it.
This boy is using you to support and please him. Dragging you into his personal issues with his girlfriend and her family is every kind of wrong. It also means he doesn't give a shit about the feelings he might be stiring up in you. He is only interested in what you can provide to make him feel better.
Not only is he not interested in being 'more' with you, he is not even interested in treating you respectfully. He treats you like a third-wheel in his relationship.
Trust me, it will hurt you more in the end if you hold in to this one-sided friendship.
Follow your gut. Leave him alone.
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The Question
I am a 13 year old girl. My only wish for my parents is that they could have been better discipline wise. There is still time for that to happen, but I don't think it will. Now don't think I am some spoiled little brat. I may be a lot of things, but that sure isn't one of them! I never have been as I have a genuine like for people and treat them with respect. Also my parents did not spoil me. I like to earn things. Believe me, I have been punished. And if I feel I deserve more I punish myself. Trust me on this too, if I started sneaking out and sleeping around, they most likely would send me away somewhere. But I just wish when I was younger (like 5-9) that they're punishments were harsher.
Of course, my mom went into deep depression and couldn't really do anything like that.
Now my problem is that I feel extremely guilty even though I have not turned out bad. How do I stop this? I can't stand it anymore!
The Answer
I wish my parent where more culturally aware and artistically inclined. I'm sure if they had exposed me to more art at the younger age I'd be more successful and intelligent now.
Of course, my parents are both very scientifically minded and would not have enjoyed such things, so it's not really surprising they didn't.
My point is that our parents are only human and there is ALWAYS more they could have done or we can wish they had done. At some point we simply have to take responsibility for the place that we are at in life and not hold our parents responsible just because they aren't perfect.
Forget about your parents past actions. Focus on YOUR current actions that you are not happy with. There must be some current issue that is making you feel that you could have been educated better as a child. Learn the lesson now yourself.
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The Question
Ok, so i'm married with kids. married for 8 years. i don't know why but one night i just went to check my husband's cell phone. there was a picture of a girl in there, very low cut shirt showing the bra. so a few other pics were just of her face and of her kids. i also saw he sent pics to her of our kids and even 2 pics of me. so i confront him about it and she happens to be his ex from more than 10 years ago. he says a mutual friend gave her my husband's number, which had to be true because now his calls show she was the first to call. he says he just wants a friendship with her and even told me he send her pics of me. but i told him it really bothers me because at one point in his life he loved her. and that a friendship is not possible. he says it is. oh and another thing is, that in his phone he put her number under his name, which right off the bat shows he's trying to hide it. she lives almost across the country so i know he's not sneaking out to see her, but he is definitely taking calls from her as well as calling her several times a day sometimes, even though it's never more than 5 minutes. when i asked him if he would talk to her in front of me he said no. because he doesn't have to talk to anyone in front of me because some conversations are private. i have been though cheating situations with boyfriends in the past, but i'm married now with his children and i dont' know if i should just give this some time and see where it leads..or i might just know already and not want to admit it. can anyone please let me know if you've been through the same or similar or just looking for some outside advice. thanks.
The Answer
You already know what is happening here. He might not be cheating, but he is lying to you, and trying to make his lies your fault.
Whenever someone tries to make their immoral behavior your fault, it’s time to get out.
Friendship with this woman might be possible, and that would be okay.
Deception in a marriage is NEVER okay.
He actively tired to deceive you. That is tantamount to lying. That is betrayal and that is the problem.
Don’t talk to him about his ‘friendship’ with this woman. That isn’t the problem. The problem is that he misleads you about it.
He has been deceptive. That is a betrayal of trust. If he VALUED your trust he would be apologizing profusely and trying to prove to you that the perceived betrayal was simply an oversight or small mistake on his part.
If he doesn’t think he made a mistake by hiding these constant conversations from you, get yourself a good divorce lawyer right now. A man who doesn’t realize that is a problem, will ‘not realize’ what an emotional affair is a problem either.
That is what you need to explain: It would be a different thing entirely if he came to you and said "Hey! I just got the number of an old ex who I would like to be friends with. Could we have her and her kids over for dinner?" That would be honest and involving you in his friendship, but instead of doing that, he tried to lie to you.
Does he have any other friends who you are forbidden to know? Do you have friends he is forbidden from meting or speaking with? Probably not, and no matter what he says, that would be inappropriate. If she is a person he is spending that much time in his day with, there is no fair reason for you to be kept in the dark about their friendship.
If he can’t admit, right now, that he has handled this poorly and owes you an explanation greater than ‘You just have to trust me.’ Run for hills.
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The Question
I have firefox on my laptop, and I've had it for over a year, maybe two and a half?
Anyways, I love it. I use all the keyboard short cuts, I've customized it, and I love the way it looks.
I absolutely hate Internet Explorer.
It looks ugly, and I can't find anything, it just bothers me.
Recently my dad's been asking me to uninstall FireFox from my laptop.
He says that IE is way better, and FireFox sucks.
It's my laptop, only I use it, so that's one of my arguments, but I can't think of others, I can't just say ''It's better'' because he'll want an explanation on how it's better.
Please someone help me in this situation?
By the way, I don't want any IE supporters telling me to get IE. That's not my question :)
The Answer
If you are the only one who uses the laptop, you don't have to prove that FireFox is better.
Your dad has to prove to you the EI is better.
Seriously, turn this around on him. Tell you LIKE FireFox. If he thinks you should use IE he needs to come up with a compelling argument for it. It shouldn't be your job to convince him, it is his job to convince you.
Once he starts coming up with reasons he thinks IE is better, you can do some google searching and have an actual discussion about Firefox and IE with him. If all he has to say is that FireFox sucks, that isn't a good enough reason and you are free to say so.
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The Question
Alright.
Is there a way you can know if your bipolar or not without going to the doctors?
I really think I am. I mean I'll be all happy and fine one minute and then someone will say something and I'll go quiet and not laugh or say anything. Or I'll be sitting in my room singing and just messing around and then i'll just suddenly stop and start crying (most of the time for no reason, or a really stupid reason like my boyfriends not around). I just dont know what to do anymore. It really kills me and I know it messes up my boyfriend.
Does it sound like im Bipolar to you?
So another question I guess would be how do I bring it up to my mom if I need to go to the doctors to find out?
And how exactly do they know?
The Answer
This is a bit like asking how you can find out if you have cancer or not without going to the doctors... you simply can't. You can think you have it. You could be dying and suffering, but until you get a professionals opinion you are only guessing.
Do no take any online tests. Mood disorders are all about severity. Anyone can present the 'symptoms' of a mood disorder or mental illness, in fact, almost everyone does! Being diagnosed is about the intensity and severity of your symptoms. That is why is takes someone well trained and experienced and why it isn't something they can just look at you and tell. They have to listen and talk to you for quite some time before coming out with such a label.
A doctor who listens to your for 20 minutes and declares you bi-polar, is irresponsible and should not be trusted.
Frankly, no, you don't sound like bi-polar to me. The idea that bi-polar people switch quickly from one mood to another is inaccurate. Very, very, very few people suffering from that mood disorder change moods suddenly. More often, they go through ups and downs that last weeks or months at a time. The highs are extremely high with them getting lots done and never getting upset about anything and the lows are extremely low where nothing gets done and they loose all pleasure in things they usually like.
What you are describing sounds like stress and hormones pushing you up and down. It’s definitely something a therapist could help you with, but not so much something that needs a scary label in order to be talked out and learned from.
If you want to talk to a doctor about what you are experiencing, just tell you mom you want a routine physical and ask to go in by yourself. Give any reason you'd like (she'll probably assume its sex) but only a very irresponsible parent would deny their child a routine physical. If you haven't had one recently, you should have one anyways.
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The Question
16/f this boy and i went out for 1 yr 4 mo. I was really in love with him. Some things drove me crazy about him, truly, but I was sure I was going to be with him forever, or close to it.
Last weekend he broke up with me. It was unexpected on my side but apparently he had been "done" for awhile. For the past week things have been very amicable between us. We've talked almost every night. We still called each other our pet names like baby and darling. We still told each other we loved each other.
Until today, when his brother convinced him that that's not good for a just friends relationship (in fact, my other good guy friend and I tell each other we love each other all the time.) So he won't say it to me anymore. He said, "I wish you would stop thinking we're still together." Sadly I think he's true. We got off the phone without saying "I love you," and now he's online apologizing (we fought a bit earlier,) but it doesn't help the fact that I'm still deeply in love with him and I'm trying to deny it to make myself feel better.
I need ideas of things I can do to put my mind at ease. I want to tell him that I love him so badly still, but I won't now because it will hurt our friendship. I need ideas for closure.
Thanks.
The Answer
Get closure by closing the door on this friendship. At least for a while.
Although it's a nice thought that you can be strong enough and mature enough to stay friends, it would be a greater show of strength and maturity to admit to yourself that you aren't managing to be friends and that the current situation is screwing with your head.
Tell him whatever you want to about your feelings THEN tell him because of those feelings, you need some distance from him and are going to stop talking to him for a while.
Then stop. Stop talking on the phone, stop the online, be only polite to him at school.
Relationships are hard habits to break, but if you don't break them when the relationship is over you can only hurt yourself.
Closure isn't something you can find in your past failed relationship, it's something you find in your future life. In order to start looking for it, you have to let the past go.
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The Question
for how long after you get your wisdom teeth out can you not drink out of a straw? is it just for the first day or two, or the whole time the stitches are in?
The Answer
Wait until the stitches are out!!!
This is the voice of experience speaking: I thought I was fine and I loved my chocolate milk through a straw.
I popped a stitch, swallowed way too much blood (really, any at all is too much) and spend a night in the emergancy room.
It's worth it to wait.
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The Question
If a company says that white people can wear jeans, but blacks can't, that's discrimination (illegal). If a company says that employees over age 30 are allowed to wear sandals, but employees younger than that can't, that's discrimination (illegal).
But when a company says that a girl can have pierced ears and a guy can't, that's totally legal, according to the law.
Why is discrimination tolerated in the workplace when it comes to gender, but not religion, race, age, etc.?
The Answer
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:
I understand you think this is wrong, but I think you need to remember that your rights do not extend so far as to infringe on your employers rights.
Your employer as a right to enforce a dress code that will maintain it's bussiness image.
It might not be perfectly fair, but it is not unreasonable for an employer enforce minor sex-based distinctions in dress and grooming codes in order to do so.
If you signed a contract with them, they have the right to do so to you.
If you don't want to work for a company that enforces such a policy it is your responsibilty to avoid signing a contract like that.
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Your age, religion and race are immutable characterizes. Things about yourself, you cannot and therefore should not be expected to change. Your piercing aren't. Piercings, make-up, hair and clothing are choices, choices you are welcome to make, but ones your employer is equally free to disagree with.
Over and over again, what you call 'discrimination' has been declared in court to be acceptable guidelines for attire that conform with social norms. If you donâ??t want to were an ugly uniform, donâ??t take a job where it is required. If you want to have pierced ears, work someplace where that is acceptable.
You are totally free to say 'Screw their idea of social norms' and 'acceptable attire' and they are equally free to dismiss you for it.
Go ahead and make your choice about how you want to present yourself to the world through your appearance. Accept that people WILL judge you based on that. Maybe in the perfect world they wouldn't, but we don't live in a perfect world. The courts recongize that and rule accordingly.
If expressing yourself in this way is that important to you, look for a job were that is an acceptable form of self-expression.
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The Question
Hi there. I'm 21, and I'm assured I won't make it to my next birthday. I obsess over all sorts of diseases and illnesses, and it's ruining my life.
I have such big aspirations in life. I want to graduate from college, and have a family. I want to write a book, and enjoy myself.
Where is the key to happiness? I want more than anything to find it. I'm far too young to believe that I won't be okay. And yet, most days I find it harder then anything to just get out of my bed and live.
I'd hate to actually die, and know my life had turned to waste.
Any advice on taking life by the horns, and living to the best of my ability would be appreciated greatly.
The Answer
I don't know what the key to happiness is, but I'm pretty sure one of the pre-requisites to finding it is being of good mental health.
You are not mentally healthy if at 21, with no horrible pre-existing diagnosis, you think you are going to die.
Take your first, huge problem, by the horns by calling your family doctor, or any sort of local mental health support center and ask for a referral to a therapist with experience in helping people deal with obsessive thinking.
THAT is your biggest problem. That is a mental illness and one you should address. Once you get that under control you can start dealing with all the other details.
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The Question
I met her (I will call her Xy) via an old girlfriend, they were best friends and very close. After my ex and I broke up, I maintained a relationship with my friend Xy and we became very close over the past 8 years. I trusted her with everything and she with me. About 3 years back, something happened between her and I, and we were intimate. Even though she no longer spoke with my ex, she still felt a sort of loyalty to her and asked to leave things were they were. We moved on, she eventually got married and we still maintained our friendship. Her marriage did not last, and we some how ended up together again, and things are wonderful in every way. That was until my ex came back from Europe heartbroken and crying and began to call Xy again. Xy decided that she again could not be with me and felt a loyalty to her friend, and asked to stop and return to just being friends between her and I. I was hurt, not just romantically speaking, but as a friend. I feel she chose her loyalty to be with my ex, her old friend who has been MIA for the past 3 years, and pushed me to the side. I walked away from her for good and decided that everything between her and I is over. Am I wrong to be hurt? I really do love her, but I think I was the only one in the relationship and that I may have been just a stepping stone for her to move forward with certain things she was dealing with.
The Answer
She is just not that into you.
You are right to feel hurt. Getting dumped always hurts, but don't kid yourself. She wouldn't have chosen an MIA friend over someone she really wanted to be with. She didn't really want to be with you.
It's been 3 years since you first fell into bed with another. She has had 3 years to choose you. You've stuck around and made yourself available. You've been honest about what you feel and want. She doesn't want or feel the same.
I would bet good money that the friend excuse is simply a convenient one. Especially since she invoked it even when her friend was silent on another continent.
So go ahead and be hurt, but more importantly, move on. If you can't move on AND be friends with her, stop being her friend. Find someone who cares for you as much as you care for them.
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The Question
This guy that I met about a year ago got my # and started texting me a lot, but I was already in a relatinship at the time. When my relationship ended, about two weeks later he asked me to hang out with him. Well, it ended up we started dating but only for a month and then he dumped me and gave me a stupid reason for it. We still talked after that, but only as friends.
Just recently, he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him about the guy I just started dating a couple weeks ago. That's when he told me the "true" reason he dumped me before, in which it was not really his fault, but he was extremely apologetic. And then he asked if we could start over, but I told him I had moved on, and so he said that whatever happens will happen.
The problem is, now he texts/calls me pretty consistently throughout the day, as if I am all he thinks about. Is it possible that this guy could just be trying to get back with me because he wants sex? Because when we were dating, he would bring it up and I would tell him I wanted to wait. My first inclination was that he was only in it for sex, but now that I think about it, if he only wanted sex, then he wouldn't be spending all this time waiting on me because there's plenty of girls willing to hook up with a guy around here. Should I consider him?
The Answer
I wouldn't.
Just because a guy isn't 'only after sex' doesn't mean he is automatically a good person for you to date.
It is a good idea to have standards a bit higher then that.
It sounds to me like this guy has given you some other reasons not to consider him. His slightly creepy behavoir now is a good one to think about. Also his flakey dumping of you with a weak lie. Whatever his reasons were, it's not cool that he wasn't honest with you.
Just because someone really likes you, doesn't mean you have to consider them. If you've moved on, and don't feel like dating him anymore, that is a good enough reason to not consider him (and to tell him to cool the texting).
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The Question
I have received good advice on this matter once before (http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=539914) and I'm hoping to receive some more. So that I don't have to go through everything again, I ask that responders take a look at the above-referenced question. To sum up: I had an emotional affair, it's over now, and I'm trying to repair my marriage and earn back my wife's trust. We have one child.
At this time, we are doing as well as could be expected, and both of us are committed to making things right between us again. As one might expect, though, there are a few problems to deal with.
One is that I can't stop thinking about the woman with whom I had this affair ("Jane"). Part of the reason is that she's not someone I just met; she's an old friend from high school that I was in love with then and NEVER really got over. As much as I want to make my marriage work, I'm worried that it's ultimately doomed because I will never be able to get Jane out of my mind and heart. I don't know if I can find again the love I had for my wife if this feeling I have for Jane just won't go away. It's not like I don't want it to; I wish very much that I could love only my wife and give my heart only to her. She's a wonderful woman who deserves nothing less. All I can think to do for now is ignore my feelings for Jane and try to force myself not to think about her... which just isn't working. I can't deny that love and passion for the rest of my life.
Another problem is that Jane was a dear friend of mine, and deeper feelings aside, it was truly wonderful to connect with her again on that level. Although I've severed all contact with her so that I can concentrate on fixing my marriage, I just can't accept the idea that I will never be able to talk with her or see her again.
So, my questions are these:
(1) How can I get Jane off my mind? How can I concentrate on what I must do, which is to fix my marriage and find again the love I felt once for my wife?
(2) Does anyone think it's possible that someday, when my marriage is stronger and the feelings I have for Jane have subsided, that I could try to contact her again and have a more appropriate relationship?
(3) If you can, please imagine yourself in my shoes. Imagine that you wanted, as I do, to save your marriage. How long would you try before giving up? I'm not ready to do that yet, but I'm thinking if it's a year from now and I still can't get over Jane, maybe that's a sign that I never will and the whole thing is futile - but is a year long enough? Furthermore, since my wife has done no wrong in this situation, would it be wrong of me to leave her just because I can't give her all the love I have to offer?
Thank you in advance!
The Answer
(1) Keep doing what you are doing.
Go to counseling, by yourself, as well as with your wife.
It has not yet even been three months since you asked your last question, and that should tell you plainly that the 'habit' of the affair has not yet been broken yet. It takes a minimum of three months for a person to become comfortable with a new pattern, home or lifestyle. You are still mourning the loss of the affair and still adjusting to life without it. You should take the feelings you are still having about the affair right now with a grain of salt, you are still processing them.
(2) Yes, it's possible. It's also possible that aliens from Uranus might take over the world at 1:32pm tomorrow, but both situations are unlikely and bad ones.
Holding on to the hope of 'friendship' when that friendship already crossed the line, and crossed is so completely and utterly that it became sexual, it’s self-defeating and a fantasy. It probably won’t happen, and at the moment, it’s a completely unfair expectation to have on your wife (if you really intend to stay married to her).
The simple truth is, both you AND Jane, completely disregarded your marriage vows. She is culpable, just as you are and unlike you your wife has no oath or child or love for her, motivating her to keep Jane in your lives.
Which means keeping Jane in your life even as the hope for a future friendship is a purely selfish act. Personally, not one I think you are entitled too.
If you truly want to devote yourself to your wife, you need to accept that Jane is as a good as dead to you. Anything less then that is continuing, in some small way, to betray your marriage.
(3) I can’t tell you how long to try. You try until you can’t try anymore. That is just the truth of the universe.
I can tell you that yes, it would be better to leave your wife then lie to her everyday and let her live in fear, insecurity and misery as she always doubts you.
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The Question
Hello I was wondering if there is a way to not allow myspace users to deny a friend request or a way that a friend can't be able to delete you? I really need some people to not deny my request nor delete me. Please answer me back!! Thank You, Jack
The Answer
I can't imagine there is any way to do that short of illegal hacking.
What you are suggesting might not be *strictly* agianst thier Privacy Policy, it is definately agianst the spirit of it and MySpace would recieve a lot of flack from users if such a thing existed. It is generally accepted online, and in many places it is law, that a person must be allowed to opt-out of any network and to reveal thier private profile only to people they choose.
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The Question
well here goes.... this guy n i have been flirtin alot l8ly i know he has a gf and have to say was abit upset however he pays me alot off attention he is 5 years older than me but that has never seemed to matter, we have become sex buddies do u think this is a good thing or bad ? i feel sorry 4 his gf but there is no strings attached its just sex. ???
The Answer
It's bad to help someone betray thier partner.
Nothing can make it okay.
It doesn't matter if it's just no strings attached sex, or even if you love eachother. It's still betrayal and it's still bad.
I don't think it makes you a slut, but it doesn't make you seem like a really nice person either. A nice person would realize that the reason they feel bad for the girlfriend is because they are helping this guy betray in her one of the worst ways possible.
Stop it. It's wrong. It wont make you a better, or a happier person. It will almost definately make everything worse.
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The Question
18/m
I got advice on here a few months ago about how to get my girlfriend back after i cheated on her. We let things cool over for awhile and now i know that there is no other girl i want in my life and i love her more than anything. She has finally started hanging out with some of our same friends and the same places and stuff. She isn't really showing me any signs that she wants to get back together but i know deep down she really wants it because she has told other people that she does. How do i approac her about this?
The Answer
Be totally honest with her. Tell her what you want. Grovel. Beg. Do anything she asks.
But above all, let her know that YOU know what a horrible thing you did. Never make any excuse and never try to explain or justify. Just tell her you did wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.
Then all you can do is pray she can forgive you. If she can't let it go, nothing you say or do will get her back. She might 'want you back' on the surface, but deep down, actually not want anything to do with you at all. Whatever she wants, you have to wait for her to figure it out and respect it.
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The Question
A few months ago, i wrote on here about my mixed family.( I married my high school sweetheart after we both had previous relationships and children from them. Her kids were absolutly wild, never punished for anything in their life, just completely wreckless) Now my worst fears have come to reality and i am now facing a teen pregnancy with the youngest of my step daughters. Of course she is hysterical about the situation and wants to get an abortion. I am entirely against that and would never let my sons think that this is a way out of this kind of situation. her mom (my wife) is saying that she can do whatever she needs to do. Do i allow her to have the abortion or make her own up too her mistake?
The Answer
Although I am no huge supporter of abortion, I don't believe you can make this decision for her.
Her making the choice is part of her 'owning' her error.
An abortion isn't a perfect 'fix it'. It's an emotional and unpleasant experience that nearly every woman would choose to forgo. If abortion is her choice, I promise you, she wont out dancing the night away an hour later. It might not be years of dirty diapers… but it still isn’t fun.
Although it would be nice if her values were the same as yours, they may not be, and she's entitled to her opinion. You might disagree with the morality of her opinion, but legally, she’s allowed to have and act on it. The unfortunate truth of the matter is a baby exists inside a female, so the matter of faith and the choice lie predominately with that female. That might not be the lesson you want your sons to learn, but it is the current truth in our society and it's unlikely to change: The chick gets to choose. That is simply the reality of it.
Besides, if she does have the kid, chances are that YOU would 'own' her problem more then she ever would, because YOU wouldn't let the child suffer for her mistake, whereas she probably would. Not because she is a bad person, just because she is teen and not ready for a child.
If nothing else, you must be able to see that forcing her to have this baby to punish her is a bit backwards. Babies don’t have ‘jobs’. It isn’t a baby’s job to punish or teach your daughter a lesson. Babies don’t have responsibilities, everyone around them does!
Get some counseling for you and your wife to deal with your conflicts and feelings about this. A professional can give you more specific advice and approaches to deal with the complicated things to come than anyone here can, but you do need to let your step daughter ‘own up to her mistake’ and that means taking ownership for that mistake. It’s very difficult, even for an adult, to take ownership of a situation if they feel they are denied the right to choose.
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The Question
I'm an 18 year old male, just graduated from high school. I made the mistake of speeding one too many times, and as a result, my license is suspended. Luckily, it got suspended right after I quit my job.
It's now summer. Naturally, like every other graduated senior, I like to stay out late with friends and my girlfriend. My mom has told me to call her when I end up staying the night somewhere, but I haven't been doing that because I don't want to wake her up (she wakes up early for work and needs her sleep).
She told me today that I need to get a job and come home by 1am every night. She is unwilling to take me to a job, so I don't know how I'd get there with a suspended license. And 1am? I'm 18, for goodness sake. She said she'll kick me out if I don't do those two things.
What do I do?
The Answer
Your mom isn't being a jerk. She's being a parent.
I'm 23, and there are still some rules when I stay in my parents home. Some freaking stupid ones. Like, I'm not allowed to be behind a closed door with a guy. I've lived alone for almost 5 years! Everything they are afraid I might do with a guy, I've done, and then some.
But, it's still their rules. When you live in someone else’s home, be that a parent, or a partner or a roommate or landlord, there are just some rules you have to live by. You have to pay your rent on time. You have to not eat foods your roommates are fatally allergic too. You have to keep the noise down.
Seriously, it is just the price you pay for living with other people. Welcome to the unverise. You have obligations to the people around you, like it or not.
Now, parents are more difficult ‘other people’ but it’s still the same basic deal.
The two things your mother has expected: Job and Home by 1am are totally reasonable.
Your mom has even given you a way to get around the Home by 1am thing! Just call and let her know. So what if you wake her up? It’s her rule. She must be okay with it.
As for the job: Learn to use public transit, car pool, or negotiate with your mother about not having a job until your license is returned. You are no longer in school, and you don’t mention going back to school next September. That means you need to have a job. Period. A parent who didn’t expect that of you, would be a bad parent.
Even if your mother is flexible about not having a job until your license is returned, you should start looking for a job now; as it can take some time to find one. I would be willing to bet that if you found a good job, your mom wouldn’t mind chauffeuring you once and a while.
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