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he needs a job.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for 5 months. he is 18 and just graduated high school in may. in all the time we've been dating, or since i've known him which was in august, he hasn't had a job. he had a car until he got his license suspended in november for a speeding ticket. this means that all this time we've been dating, I'VE been either going to his house to see him or been lugging him around everywhere we go and I'VE been paying for us to go out. and quite honestly, i hate it. he was supposed to get his license back in april but couldn't because it costs over $200 and he doesn't have the money. his parents are helping him and he's mad at THEM for the fact that he cant get it back. he has done some yard work and stuff for neighbors to get money occasionally but it's just not a stable job you know? he's not aspiring to go to college so whatever he does is just going to be a job, not a big career. he's takin me out and payed for me a few times, but it's majority me 95% of the time. we dont even go out every night or anything. his mom is apparently on his case to get a job, which he hates. he's always complaining of sittin around bored when im not there and ill ask him 'do you have a job yet?' or 'why not go look for a job?' and he gets ill. i understand that he doesnt want me nagging him about getting a job or getting his license back like his parents do, but on the other i dont just wanna lay back and let him think im some bank. i've had a job for a year and a half and i work for my money and i pay for the gas in my car that's used when we go out. i dont wanna push him about it because that's what caused my best friend and her boyfriend of almost a year to break up, because they were in the same exact position and she was sick of riding him around and paying for him, and he was sick of her nagging so he dumped her. i dont wanna be like that, but he's 18 for god's sake. he has to do SOMETHING with his life besides rely on other people or else it's not gonna be me that he relies on. everytime i ask him about finding a job, he's always like "im workin on it" or some smart remark, but i've never once seen him turn in any application anywhere, or heard him say he's been out looking for a job. i just want him to be responsible, and be able to get his license back and be able to have a [i hate to say this but..] "normal" relationship. that doesnt mean i want him to shower me with gifts and jewelry and go to a fancy dinner everynight, but being able to go out to eat or to the movies would be great sometimes without me having to pay. he has zero dollars saved up to get his license back, and not one speck of a job in sight and he could honestly careless. i know it bothers him that he doesn't have his car but i want him to DO something about it. i hate it, my mom hates it that im in this situation AGAIN because it was the same exact thing with my ex, and just UGH! how can i talk to him and try to encourage him to get a job without sounding like a mother? i've even tried by telling him places that are looking for help and would be easy, even part-time jobs, but no. what can i dooo? i hate doing this!
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Okay, if you say you have made an attempt to get help him get a job and he still doesnt care then you need to set him straight. You need to tell him i like you alot but if all i'm here for is to be your personal driver and to pay for you all the time then i don't need you. You make sure that he knows if he doesn't get a job soon and get off his lazy butt then he is not worth your time. Don't let him hold you back of standing in the way of your dreams. Don't let him use you because you owe it to yourself to let him know that.
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volunteergirl
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Up until very recently, I was in the exact same situation as your boyfriend (Except for the licence bit). Both my mom and my girlfriend would nag me or "encourage" me to get a job. All that didn't end until I decided for myself that it needed to change. Although it probably isn't what you want to hear, he's not going to get a job until he convinces himself to.
So, what can you do? Issue him an ultimatium. Give him a set amount of time to get his shit together before you dump him. It sounds drastic, but if that won't scare him into employment, nothing will. And frankly, you deserve better, especially if this has been going on for several months.
Also, you seem to have a history of attracting (Or possiblely seeking out) this type of guy out. It could just be a coincidence, but if you end up breaking up and your next boyfriend has the same problem, try some introspection to see what it is that is attracting you to these men (or vice versa),
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There is a difference between nagging someone, and being honest about what you can live with.
Don't nag. Just be honset.
Tell him you are feeling resentful because you always have to pay for everything.
Tell him that you think you are going to break up, one way or another, if he doesn't get his shit togeather.
Tell him you know he can make his own choices, but right now he is making a choice that causes you to loose respect for him, and that isn't fun.
Look, if he dumps you for 'nagging' him when all you are really doing is sharing your feelings on the situation, he is looser. I know it always hurts to breakup with someone, but seriously, if he can't accept the message from you that the way is currently living is not okay, then you are probably better off without him anyways. You wouldn't want to be with him four years from now if he was still living this way.
Not being able to scrounge togeather $200 in 3 months is pitiful. There is no reason a healthy young man couldn't manage that if he was trying.
He isn't trying. Call him on it, and accept that if your relationship ends it wont be because you nagged, it will be because he didn't value the relationship enough to get his shit togeather.
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It's obvious that your boyfriend needs a job [and maybe some counseling] but what about you. The hidden problem in all of this is that you have a tendency to need to take care of someone and the fact is you need and deserve so much more. When I first started reading your question I thought of myself because I have been through this so many times. Two important things my mother always taught me was that most of the time she was right[she was] and that you can't fix anyone. A person has to see that they have a problem and then show a desire to change. That desire comes from action, not just saying the words. If something happens to you and you are not able to take care of yourself, he will be no good to you because he is someone who likes to be taken care of. My advice to you [and that is all it is], is to leave this one alone for a while if not indefinitely. It doesn't mean that you have to find someone else but it does mean that you need to get in touch with what validates you more than other people. Ask yourself why you need to take care of others, especially when you are not married to them or getting paid for it. Realize the truth that he doesn't want to work and stop making excuses for him. He may be a really great guy but right now you are enabling his behavior and setting yourself up for heartbreak down the road.Sometimes we can get caught up in our emotions and feelings of obligation to the point of suffocation so take a break...it might do you both some good.
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i really wish i could help..
but i dont feel like reading a novel :/ shorten it?
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