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marriage and trust
Ok, so i'm married with kids. married for 8 years. i don't know why but one night i just went to check my husband's cell phone. there was a picture of a girl in there, very low cut shirt showing the bra. so a few other pics were just of her face and of her kids. i also saw he sent pics to her of our kids and even 2 pics of me. so i confront him about it and she happens to be his ex from more than 10 years ago. he says a mutual friend gave her my husband's number, which had to be true because now his calls show she was the first to call. he says he just wants a friendship with her and even told me he send her pics of me. but i told him it really bothers me because at one point in his life he loved her. and that a friendship is not possible. he says it is. oh and another thing is, that in his phone he put her number under his name, which right off the bat shows he's trying to hide it. she lives almost across the country so i know he's not sneaking out to see her, but he is definitely taking calls from her as well as calling her several times a day sometimes, even though it's never more than 5 minutes. when i asked him if he would talk to her in front of me he said no. because he doesn't have to talk to anyone in front of me because some conversations are private. i have been though cheating situations with boyfriends in the past, but i'm married now with his children and i dont' know if i should just give this some time and see where it leads..or i might just know already and not want to admit it. can anyone please let me know if you've been through the same or similar or just looking for some outside advice. thanks.
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You already know what is happening here. He might not be cheating, but he is lying to you, and trying to make his lies your fault.
Whenever someone tries to make their immoral behavior your fault, it’s time to get out.
Friendship with this woman might be possible, and that would be okay.
Deception in a marriage is NEVER okay.
He actively tired to deceive you. That is tantamount to lying. That is betrayal and that is the problem.
Don’t talk to him about his ‘friendship’ with this woman. That isn’t the problem. The problem is that he misleads you about it.
He has been deceptive. That is a betrayal of trust. If he VALUED your trust he would be apologizing profusely and trying to prove to you that the perceived betrayal was simply an oversight or small mistake on his part.
If he doesn’t think he made a mistake by hiding these constant conversations from you, get yourself a good divorce lawyer right now. A man who doesn’t realize that is a problem, will ‘not realize’ what an emotional affair is a problem either.
That is what you need to explain: It would be a different thing entirely if he came to you and said "Hey! I just got the number of an old ex who I would like to be friends with. Could we have her and her kids over for dinner?" That would be honest and involving you in his friendship, but instead of doing that, he tried to lie to you.
Does he have any other friends who you are forbidden to know? Do you have friends he is forbidden from meting or speaking with? Probably not, and no matter what he says, that would be inappropriate. If she is a person he is spending that much time in his day with, there is no fair reason for you to be kept in the dark about their friendship.
If he can’t admit, right now, that he has handled this poorly and owes you an explanation greater than ‘You just have to trust me.’ Run for hills.
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This is a very difficult situation. I feel that it is wrong of him to not want to talk to her in front of you. I mean i dont want to say anything to make you guys divorce but at the same time 8 years is a long time and my fiancee and i talk to everyone in front of each other. If he cant talk to you in front of people he shouldnt be talking to them at all. I think that he needs talk to her in front of you or not at all. Give it some more time see how it turns out. I hope that helps
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