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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
i cheated on my bf, he found out, we broke up. he forgave me but we are not dating. he is at an away college. he doesnt want to have a long distance relationship so when school is out he will come back and we can try again. he is allowed to go on dates while he is at school. he can party and everything else and doesnt have to tell me. since im the one who messed up and is trying to earn his trust back, if i go out w friends or date, i have to tell him. so my question now is, is it fair?
The Answer
It's up to the two of you to decide if it's fair. But, if I were in your shoes, I certainly wouldn't agree to that arrangement.
You cheated yes, and you DO need to earn his trust back, but 'earning trust back' does NOT mean being punished, and when he gets total freedom, and you are required full disclosure, you are being PUNISHED for cheating.
That isn't the groundwork for a healthy relationship. It's just a different kind of inequity.
Trust is a two-way street, it's never solely one person's responsibility. Although you screwed up, big time, this approach isn't going to fix that. It's only going to introduce a new level of drama.
Look at this way:
If you AREN'T in a relationship, then you don't need to tell each other anything at all. Neither of you are owed an explanation for any behavior while you are not together. If you DO decide to get back together, THEN you need to be honest about how you spent the time apart.
If you are in a relationship, just on a break, then you both need to be honest about what you doing on that break.
You did betray him, and you are going to have to behave perfectly if you want to have a chance with him. But that doesn't mean he gets to punish you by withholding information about his rommantic interest in you, or in others. That is immature and unjustified. Either you both owe each other the honest truth, or you don't.
From your question, it sounds like you are NOT, together. So this is my advice to you:
Tell him you care about him and want another shot at a relationship, but don't think that either of you should put your life on hold for a year and build up expectations. (He has already told you he has no intention of doing so, so really, this shouldn't be a surprise to him. If he isn't willing to be together, but apart, why should you be?).
Let him know that if he still interested when he comes back from college and thinks you could be good together, he knows where to find you, but that in the meantime, you two are just friends.
Then cool down your communication with him. Make him into a friend by treating him as a friend. No conversations where you pour your heart out, just friendly chats. Let time tell you if you can be something more, but don't sit on your butt with your heart on your sleeve letting him punish you whenever the need hits him. You can never earn someone back that way.
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The Question
Okay, so, I'm 21 f. I'm a voice teacher. I was born Jewish, but my beliefs have melded into Agnosticism with a touch of Hindu over the years. One of my best students keeps gravitating towards all these "god-songs" (Think David Archuletta, Angels) as I call them, things that talk about believing in "the father" or "my Jesus," and it's really, REALLY getting on my nerves. This student is 23, by the way, so he's not a little kid. His parents are major Catholics (and they hate me).
I suppose I might also include that this guy is my ex-boyfriend-turned-best-friend. So I can't just drop him as a student. Besides, he's fantastic. He has nearly a four octave range full voice, and I enjoy listening to him sing. (Which actually says quite a bit, because I'm one of the harshest critics out there. I'm hard pressed to find any singers I actually enjoy listening to. I can always find something completely off-putting about their singing or their song choice.)
Anyway, my issue is this:
He wants to work on religious songs, and I feel like I can't condone it because I don't believe in "god", I don't feel comfortable with the term, and I just...I don't know. Those songs bother me quite a bit.
On the other hand, I feel I'm being a bit hypocritical because - and I hate to admit this - I sing for a church choir. BUT, I'm getting paid big bucks to do it, and the director has some crazy connections in the music world.
I'm not the most religious girl (obviously) but the one firm issue I have with the three big ones (Christianity, Muslim, and Judaism) are that they believe in this "Almighty God," and I just HATE it for some reason.
I'm not even sure why, but the idea of one of my students/friends singing something like that upsets me.
Anyone have any insight or suggestions?
The Answer
I'm agnostic myself, but also work in the arts industry and I'm sorry, you are being very hypocritical, and I think you know it. You don’t get to declare on what level a person can connect with a piece of art as a practitioner and, although you certainly have some rights as a teacher about what music you are comfortable using as instructional material, you aren’t behaving in such a way in your personal life that would garner you much respect as a friend or teacher if you declared ‘no more religious music!’.
However I'd venture a guess that the real issue here isn't that you are being hypocritical (after all I think we are all entitled to having the odd emotional response that is hypocritical, so long as we know it and don't go around imposing them on others or being jerks about it).
If I were a betting woman, I would bet that your relationship with this 'student' is WAY, way to emotionally involved, and that this is just one way in which you are experiencing discomfort and anxiety about it.
What I believe I heard in your question is that you *hate* religious music when HE specifically sings it (or perhaps, anyone else you know or respect). Obviously, you must see how that isn’t very respectful or tolerant towards your friends, but it also isn’t about your values so much as that is about a personal relationship where you have free-floating anxiety and unhappiness over you past with this guy. That unhappiness and old disagreements where just looking to attach themselves to some issue and religious music seemed like a really good one that you could really sink your teeth into with justification!
If you approach this guy as things are, he’ll call you hypocrite and an intolerant friend, and he’ll be right. You either need to firm up your stance on religious music and LIVE by that stance, regardless of money and infamy, or take a deep breath and accept both Handel and him, and any other friends and students for exactly what they are and will always be: talented, and VERY religious.
What I would suggest you to do is seriously think about whether or not you have enough distance and emotional separation from this ex to have a healthy and happy student-teacher relationship with him. Because if this issue is really eating at you, you probably don’t.
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The Question
okay...so I am seventeen years old, and i have a little problem...
I think that i have an issue with the men in my life. See, i've never really had a father figure because my dad doesnt care really what i do. he has lived in the same house as me for my whole life, but he shows no interest in my life whatsoever. he doesnt even know my birthday, how old i am, or what grade i am in. I've always wanted to be like my friends and be a daddy's little girl, but no matter how hard i try, he still doesnt care. i've told him i love him so many times but he'll just hang up the phone or walk away.
i dont think i've done anything to disappoint him, i've always been a good kid, never in trouble...so why doesn't he love me?
but that's not really the main issue, i've come to realize now after seventeen years that he is never going to love me like i want him to.
But, i think that this is affecting my relationships with boyfriends. See, right now i have a pretty good boyfriend. and he treats me right, he says he loves me, and i really care about him too. A lot. but he lives about two hours away and we see each other on the weekends if we're lucky. I really want to be with him, but when i'm at school and other guys show an interest in me, i just can't seem to tell them i have a boyfriend or that i can't be involved with them. like right now, there's a boy who really likes me that goes to my school and he wants to date me, and i could possibly like him, but i think the reason i talk to him is because he's showing an interest in me, and i think i need that constantly...and i know it's horrible. i've never cheated on my boyfriend, but i have a feeling that its a possibility if i dont get a handle on this. thats why i'm asking for your help...
i feel like such a bad person.
but i really need to find a way to deal with this before i hurt my boyfriend.
any advice is appreciated. =)
The Answer
I wouldn't blow this problem out of purportion.
The girl with 'Daddy Issues' might be a cultural cliche, but it doesn't have to be the truth of your life. It probably isn't.
You want to know why you like it when guys pay attention to you: Because most women like it. My Dad is awesome, and I've had really awesome boyfriends too, and even still, when a cute guy flirts with me, I'll have a moment of not wanting to admit I'm taken.
I'm a bit older, and have learned and grown a bit more, so I can overcome that desire. But it's a natural healthy one. We all want to feel desired.
You are seventeen.
Long-distance relationships are difficult to find fufilling even when you are adults who can drive and plan long-term and take trips and vacations togeather.
As a teen you are experimently socially, as you should be.
As a teen you are not able to do some of the work that is needed to make a long-distance relationship really secure.
It IS wrong, to lead this guy on and be dishonest. That is a mistake. You shouldn't do it. You should either be honest with him about your boyfriend or dump your boyfriend.
But don't beat yourelf up for feeling the way you do. Almost everyone feels that way. We WANT to be WANTED.
Just bite the bullet and correct your mistake, and you'll feel better about yourself.
You aren't fucked up. You aren't pitiful or a horrible person. You aren't doomed to always be this way. You are a teenager, who made a mistake in her love life.
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The Question
Ok so im 20/f. I still have feelings for my ex. We broke up like 2 yrs ago and I have a new gf who Ive been with for a while and she has a new gf. We are all friends and everything but for some reason I still have this crush on my ex.
The other day I confessed it to her. I told her about my crush and my feelings for her and everything and we really havent talked since then bc I told her on aim and right after i told her i had to go bc I was at work. I tried msgin her yesterday but she was at work and kinda givin like one word answers so I didnt wanna bother her. I kinda wanna msg her today but like I never used to msg her before i told her so I dont wanna liek weird her out or anything. But I kinda wanna know what she thinks. im not tryin to be with her or anything thats not why I told her. I told her just to get it off my chest basically. I just dont know what I should do and if I do message her I dont know what to say. And I dont wanna be annoying or anything. Any advice??
The Answer
I think you need to take a deep breath and ask yourself WHY you are so desperate to know what she thinks.
Why does her opinion matter?
What are you trying to achieve with this?
If you were truly just trying to 'get this off your chest'. Well then, now you should stop talking to her. It shouldn't matter what she thinks or feels now if you are truly not trying to get with her. It's off your chest. Move on.
She doesn't OWE you any response.
In fact, silience might be the kindest response she has.
Stop digging for drama. You did what you felt you needed too. It shouldn't matter what she thinks if this was truly just about you being honest. Move on. She'll tell you what she thinks IF, and only if, she feels a similar need too. If she doesn't, you ought to respect that.
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The Question
my best friend, who i've known since i was 5 years old, is pretty much ditching me because it's her last year of highschool. i'm 16.i mean,i know shes having fun with all her senior friends,but i feel like she likes her new friends better and doesn't care for me anymore. i'm always the one calling her, always the one there for her. every time we hangout, its ALWAYS her friends hanging out with us! its NEVER just me and her, and if by some chance it is, its just different. I feel like i've lost a part of me, but i don't know what to do! She got mad at me because i didn't hangout with her one time,when she's always the one blowing me off. she makes me feel like its my fault. I'm like the friend she hangs out with when she has no one else, and i'm sick of it. but theres also that fact that I've known her for 11 years. I honestly think we're taking different paths in our lives. I'm so sad and confused, and angry all at the same time =[. My question is what should i do about this whole mess? last time we talked we were mad at eachother.I've felt this way for so long.she makes me feel like crapp. Should i confrount her about all of this or just leave it like i have? ANY help on thiss would be grand,and thanks
The Answer
Your friend is moving on.
It's her last year of highschool. Everyone starts to move on and seperate from old friends. It's to protect themselves from the eventual loss anyways.
You ARE going to take different paths. That is just going to happen. She is about to graduate, and you aren't. Even if you were, you'd still probably be 'seperating' to protect yourself from the major changes inyour life. That WILL change the friendship. It's about letting it change in a respectful and decent way and not poisioning the friendship with anger and dissapointment about things you can barely help.
If you are feeling neglected, you should tell her so, but in a calm and kind way. Don't 'confront' her. Be honest with her: Share your pain. Don't be a bitch. Don't whine. That isn't helpful, or friendly.
If she can't handle the fact that your feelings are hurt, then yes, you should probably just leave this alone for a while and see if you two can reconnect a bit later on.
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The Question
15/f
I'm really, really worried.
I know I'm only 15, but a few weeks ago I noticed that my left breast was persistently hurting and aching, and that the area around the outside of my breast and my armpit seemed thicker than usual, and slightly swollen.
The pain went away after about five days, but during the last week it's come back. At the moment, the whole breast feels very tender and painful, and at times it feels like there's stabbing pains in it. Also, the outer side and armpit of the breast is still slightly swollen.
It's really worrying me. I even got my mum to check if she could feel anything, but she said she couldn't.
Does this sound like cancer?
What should I do?
x
The Answer
No. That does not sound like cancer.
Breast cancer tumors are generally painless and also extremly rare in teenage girls.
It could be part of normal development. It's not unsual for one breast to grow faster or at differently then the other, and yes, that growth can be very painful and tender. Swelling is not that uncommon either.
Go to a doctor if it concerns you and doesn't go away, but don't jump to such horrible conclusions.
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The Question
18/f, VIRGIN.
well me and my boyfriend have been going out for a while, i love him to death and i'm definately ready to have sex. anyways the problem is we can't do it at either of our houses, our parents are ALWAYS home and neither of us have a lock on our doors, plus it would just be weird knowing parents are in the house. so my boyfriend was like if either of them don't leave somewhere we can do it in my car. i just laughed and was like oh god and he was like it will be hot :) i'm not sure how i feel about this, i don't think it should matter where but it's my first time you know. and where i live, the high temp is around 30 degrees at night which is cold. what im asking is what sex is like in a car. he has a ford explorer, so it's not like that little and i'm also worried about it being cold! well thanks, any stories or experiences would help!
The Answer
Oh for goodness sake. I can't believe I'm answering the question like this but...
First off: This actually isn't illegal in most places. You should do some googling to check in your area, but generally it's legal so long as you have 'a reasonable expectation of privacy'. IE. it's legal so long as you are parked in a place that is either on your own private property OR where it is reasonable for you to expect not to be caught.
For instance, in Texas, this is the Lewdness law that would apply
"A person commits an offense if he knowingly engages in any of the following acts in a public place or, if not in a public place, he is reckless about whether another is present who will be offended or alarmed..."
http://blog.austindefense.com/2006/09/articles/texas-penal-code/definition-of-public-lewdness-texas-penal-code-section-2107/
I've had sex in a Ford Explorer... It IS a bit small to do so comfortably. There is a good deal of head space in the Explorer, but not much leg space or flexibility with the seats. If either of you are taller then five feet the back seat isn’t long enough (and it's narrow, obviously) and the front seats don't push forward or backwards enough.
Missionary will just leave you feeling like you are about to fall off the back seat the whole time, and the front seat doesn’t lie all the way back and go perfectly flat... so that angle is really difficult. You are pretty much regulated to a girl on top position with the guy sitting, and frankly, that position is a bit difficult and bizarre for a beginner, especially on a slopped backseat of a car.
Take your car, and go get a motel room.
If you do have sex in the car, drive someplace private, with the heat on. By the time you have parked and started to get to it, your body heat will keep the car warm.
So, no. It won’t be that cold unless you don’t run the heater at all first. It will just get cold fast afterwards.
DO NOT idle the car just to leave the heater on. First off, it’s bad for the environment. Secondly, it’s a very good way to the attract the attention well-meaning passersbys.
However, it is good for you to know that extreme heat and cold is BAD for condoms. It makes the prone to breaking. That’s why condoms should NEVER be kept in the sun, in a wallet, or in a glove compartment.
But seriously, having sex is cars can be fun and hot, but if you guys are old enough to drive and buy condoms, you are old enough to rent a motel room, or hell, buy your parent’s tickets to a concert or play for a birthday or anniversary to get yourselves a definate four hours alone.
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The Question
hellooo :) i have a good friend, he is a guy. he is 16 turning 17, i just turned 18. so a couple months ago he came over when everyone at my house was gone. my shades in my room were closed because before he was over i took a nap, and just never opened them up. we just layed in my bed and watched tv. well then my 21 year old brother walked in the house, and i didn't want him to suspect anything so i went out in the living room to talk to him and he was like whose here? and i was like joe. and he was like oooOoooh ;) i just brushed it off, like whatever. well now he always bugs me about it. if i say im texting him he will be like oh you "boyfriend" joe. he has a girlfriend, obviously im not going to do anything with him and my brother knows he has a girlfriend. i was like don't you have a GIRL best friend and he was like yeah, and i was like exactly and he was like but we dont lay in my bed with the blinds shut. i was like ok seriously whatever its so annoying to have to hear that from him! he even got my family involved. i try to act like it doesn't bother me when he teases me about it, but it does. whenever his name is mentioned, my brother will bring up that situation. is there anything i can do? anything i can say to my brother? oh i've never had an actual boyfriend either. thanks.
The Answer
Ask him to stop.
In a real, straightforward, not playful way say just this:
"Joe has a girlfriend and I find your joking really, really insulting. Please stop."
And then repeat. Don't justify or try to explain. Don't pretend it doesn't bother you and don't shrug it off or laugh. Each time he brings it up just look him square in the eye and say "I've told you that what you are saying isn't true and I find it really, really insulting. Stop it."
Say the exact same thing if any other member of your family does this. If they really wont stop, stand up, polietly excuse yourself and remind them "What you are saying is really insulting to me, so I've got to leave right now."
It might take a week or two of repeating your message, but they'll catch on.
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The Question
18/f
I have a boyfriend of six months and we're totally in love. He's a really great guy and totally different than anyone else I've dated. A while ago, he told me that he believes in waiting until marriage for sex. At the time I didn't agree, but as I thought about it more, it made sense- otherwise, what's there to look forward to?
Last week, we ended up messing around a little but didn't go all the way. I was fine with it at the time but woke up the next morning really sad and regretful. I sort of feel like this is gonna end the relationship, and I could see myself marrying this guy. I feel like everything's screwed up now- but I know I'm not gonna say no when I see him again.
What do I do?
The Answer
TALK TO HIM!
Are you really worried for yourself, and your own feelings? Or are you concerned about what HE is thinking and feeling after such a hot and heavy session.
I bet you it's the later. It IS confusing for someone to say 'No sex till marriage' and then do everything but the deed. That is kinda weird. That would make any girl a bit nervous and confused if their partner said one thing, and then damn near almost did the exact opposite.
Your doubt and confusion isn't going to go away until you ask him about what happened, and how he feels about it.
If you simply go along with doing the exact same stuff next time you see him, you'll only experience the same anxiety all over again, because you STILL wont understand. You’ll still be afraid that everything is screwed up. You’ll still be in the dark about his opinion and boundaries.
You MUST talk to your partner about their boundaries in full detail to feel comfortable and confident in what you are doing.
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The Question
i messed around with this guy. not sex, but some other stuff while i was drunk. now my throat is really hurting and im feeling a bit sick. and im worried something happened..like idk..but im on the pill and have had hpv shots. but im worried theres a possibility of being pregnant? like from fingering and that stuff. i know im paranoid. i heard your good as long as you have your period, but my pills make me have it once every 4 months, so there'd be no way to know. should i just stop taking them for a week to make sure my period comes? or is it even possible for that to happen from fingering, handy, and some stuff? =/ thanks
The Answer
To be at risk from getting pregnant, the semen from the male must at least make contact with a woman's vaginal fluids.
Semen can't fly, leap through the air, or survive for more then about 15 minutes outside of a human body. It's not smart, and it doesn't have much 'egg radar'. It pretty much just swims vaguely forward if it finds itself in a liquid it can move in.
That means, if he fingered you with semen on his hands, there is a very slim chance you could be pregnant. However, if he hadn't ejaculated at all, then there isn't any semen there to get close to your egg, and pregnancy is impossible.
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The Question
Lol. Ok. Most of you should enjoy this..
I'm talking to the boy I like when he asks me for my number, and I give it to him, and then I want to leave before the conversation starts dragging on, so when my phone starts to vibrate I see my way out and say "sorry, I have to take this, so see ya later" I hear him say "you're ridiculous" while walking away.. but don't think much of it. Once I get to my room I try to call the number back, cause it wasnt listed in my phone book when it hits me -- HE WAS THE ONE CALLING ME SO I WOULD HAVE HIS NUMBER.
How embarrassing is that? What would you think if you were him? And what's the best thing to do.. try to explain or pretend it ever happened?
Silly, I know. But I didnt ruin my chances, did I?
The Answer
Nah, you didn't ruin your chances. It was cute. Just play it off as adorably confuzzled.
It WAS adorable.
But ya got to call him, or text him, or connect with him at some point so you can quickly play it off as a funny goof. If you wait too long, it will just get more awkward.
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The Question
PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME, OR TELL ME ITS WRONG...
okay so i have a best guy friend (who has a girlfriend of two years) lately we've been talking about sexual stuff and we got on the topic of us. i've ALWAYS wanted him, and he is the only guy i could ever see myself doing anything with but i never thought i would actually get the opportunity to. so we were talking about hooking up this weekend. we were talking about it about a week and a half ago but ever since, he hasn't texted me at all or anything. i thought he would for sure text me sometime today or yesterday because he's not one to be like... yeah lets hook up but i wont talk to you at all before, i thought he would be nice and make sure we're still on for this weekend and everything. i mean what guy is going to turn down the opportunity of hooking up with someone and HE brought it up first too its not like i asked him to. i just don't know what to do i DONT text anyone first, even he knows that. i dont want to tell people i can't do anything and then me and him not even end up hanging out this weekend and then not have anything to do but i don't want to make plans and then have him still want to hang out you know? why do you guys think he hasn't been talking to me this is definately not like him. i don't want to text him and ask him because i will feel stupid. i never feel comfortable doing that kind of stuff so please don't say, just text him and ask if you're still on. i just want some opinions on why you think he hasn't been texting me or anything, it's kind of hurting me :[
The Answer
He's probably feeling guilty, confused and a bit ashamed.
If he's a decent guy anyways.
If he isn't decent, he probably just doesn't care enough to confirm or give you a call. He’s got his own stuff going on. Fooling around with you online was just a temporary assessment, nothing more.
Or you know, he could just be really busy. But that seems unlikely.
The kind of guy who turns down the opportunity of hooking up with someone when HE brought it up first is a guy who realizes he made mistake, and doesn’t want to make an even bigger one. Either by betraying his girlfriend, or by causing pain to his friend.
It would nice if he’d just explain, but really, why should he? As far as he is concerned, he doesn’t really owe you anything. You were just fooling around online. And you haven’t asked him for an explanation, so you must not be all that interested anyways.
My advice to you: If you are going to be comfortable with fooling around with other people’s boyfriends, get comfortable chasing the guy, getting blown off and being disappointed.
That is what happens when are the other women. You aren’t entitled to an explanation like the girlfriend is, and you aren’t going to be given one. You’re going to be treated like sloppy seconds and your feelings aren’t really going to count for too much.
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The Question
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 & a half years in December. We love each other a lot and have fun when we're together, but sometimes I'm way too insecure about our relationship. Keep in mind these are just small things that don't affect our relationship on a daily basis, and that he is somewhat shy, and is much less mature than I am.
Recently, a friend of ours got engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years or so. So we were talking about it and I asked if he had ever thought about proposing/getting engaged. He answered no. This kind of hurt my feelings, considered we began college this year and I figured some thought of that sort would have at least run through his mind at some point if he was really serious about loving me "more than anything, forever & ever."
Also, his mother drives me insane. She still controls most of his life. His sister plays high school volleyball, and she makes him go to a lot of her games. He's 19 & we're in college- he has many other committments. Thing is, he doesn't oppose this. He is quite a "mommy's boy" and doesn't ever do anything to upset her. It's like neither of them can let go of the fact that he's becoming an adult.
I also am insecure about the way he tells/shows me his feelings. Like, if he says "I love you more than anything forever and ever" (our usual goodbye phrase) too fast, it bothers me. And if we're texting and he just puts "ily!", it also bothers me. And if I kiss him on the cheek and I expect a kiss back and don't get it, I feel kinda of hurt. When I tell him I miss the cute things we used to do, nothing changes that much, or if it does, it only lasts a few days. I can't stand that I'm like this, but I can't help it, either.
Don't get me wrong, I love him. He means the world to me and we have so many amazing memories. But sometimes these things just make me so insecure about our relationship and I can't help but compare us to other couples. Since it's been 3.5 years, we're quite past the 'infatuation phase' and some of the spark is gone, even though he does make an effort now and then to be cutesy. There are a few other things I could name that bother me about him/our relationship, but it all comes down to his personality/just the way he is, which I don't want to change. But I can't help but wonder, would I be happier with a more mature guy? If he doesn't think about marrying me someday, aren't I just wasting my time? I don't even exactly know what I'm asking, haha. I just need some advice.
The Answer
He can only become an adult if he wants too.
And if he wants to be an adult with close ties, even creepy close ties to his family, that is his right.
You ARE insecure, and that is your problem as much, if not more, then it is his. Because if can't learn to help it, even a bit, YOU are going to keep being miserable, and eventually, you'll make him miserable too. Getting wounded at the ‘slights’ you describe here, is an absolute affection-vacuum.
I agree with you at least on one thing: After three years if a guy doesn't see spending his life with you, even a little, it's a bit of a waste if that is what you are looking for.
But it's not fair to him to try and determine his who life-plan based on one answer to one question at one time. A question he might not have even realized was important to you. You need to be more direct, and ask a few pointed questions. You don’t need to demand a ring, that is going to far, but it’s fair to know what’s on his mind for the next few years, and if he wants the wife, two kids and the collie, or if he sees something very different.
You wont know until you ask.
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The Question
on saturday, i got to hang out with my boyfriend for the day. i haven't seen him in 4 months. when we first started out our relationship, i promised myself i wouldn't get in over my head, and i wouldn't get too attached. i have had boyfriends like him, where they tell me that they are a player, and don't want me to get hurt. i usually ignore it. tell them to not get too attached.
but when i saw him yesterday, the way he held me, the way he pressed his nose to mine, and the way he carefully held my tiny hand in his giant one, made me fall for him. way too deep.
later on, when i got home and he got to his, i was emailing him. i noticed he was giving me one word answers, so i asked him what was wrong. he was honest, and straight to the point, and he said "i like someone else..."
when he said that, my heart dropped. i called him to ask what had happened between when i saw him just a couple of hours ago, and then, he said that he liked her FOR A WEEK.
this has happened to me multiple times before. i don't usually react. i don't usually care. but this time, i was screaming at him, saying sorry to him, crying, throwing up, begging him not to go, wanting him to die, wondering what i did wrong, and i literally lost it last night. my whole world felt like it was crashing down, over something stupid. and i knew it was stupid then. luckily all of my friends helped, and i stopped crying and talked to him again, and this time, he didn't even want to be my friend. because he was "trying to rid [himself] from all temptations"
thats when i got MAD at him.
if he doesn't like me like that anymore, why the fuck am i a temptation?
i just want to be his friend. he was and still is one of my best friends. i just feel so confused. so lost. so alone. so cold. so heartbroken.
help?
(other than "he's a dick!" "there's other fish in the sea". give me REAL advice.)
The Answer
It's not about you.
You aren't 'a temptation'. You aren’t the problem. It was very wrong of him to say that in a way that suggested you are.
He is emotionally irresponsible and this relationship wasn’t working for him.
He was looking deeply into your eyes one minute, and telling you he was into someone else the next. Obviously, he can't resist a temptation. He can't behave himself or be respectful when a pretty girl sits besides him. That isn't about you. That is about him being a flake.
I can't give you much better advice then that.
Wash your face, do your hair and makeup however you best like it and then look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "I was not the problem here. I did the best, most honest thing I could do. His problems are his problems, and do not reflect on me as a person."
Actually I lied, one more piece of advice to add:
When he comes back to you in a few days or weeks, wanting to be your friend again, seriously think long and hard about whether or not you want his friendship. Friendships with flakey people are always a bit of a rollercoaster ride. And he probably will come back. He is probably that inconsistent. Remember when he does, that it isn’t because you are particularly special to him, it’s because he is still the confused dumb-ass that he was when he dumped you.
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The Question
My best friend smokes cigarettes a lot and is trying very hard to quit. She says that the nicotine addiction is so strong that she even begins to shake after a few hours of not having a smoke!
She has tried to cut down on smoking cigarettes ever since her uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer. The doctors told her uncle that if he hadn't smoked cigarettes then his chances of having lung cancer would have been a lot smaller. My best friend was very scared when she heard this and decided she wants to quit smoking--which is best, we both agree.
Now, before she goes out and spends money on things to help her quit smoking, she needs to know what REALLY works. There are things (from Nicorette and other companies, I'm sure) like:
Nicotine Patch
Nicotine Gum (various flavors of Nicorette Gum)
Nicotine Lozenges
Nicotine Nasal Spray
Nicotine Inhaler
and prescription medications like:
Varenicline
Bupropion
She is willing to see a doctor if necessary to get the correct medication to help her stop smoking if anyone knows if they actually work. She has smoked for almost 3 years and is up to about 2 to 2 1/2 packs a day, depending on how stressful the day is.
Can anyone give some advice about which method will help her stop smoking the soonest? She will buy what is needed, no problem, as long as it really does work. Any advice, tips, and suggestions are appreciated!
For people who have successfully stopped smoking: How did you do it?
The Answer
I did quit smoking as a teen, but your friend smokes in a day what I smoked in nearly a week. So, I'm not sure how relevant my experience will be but...
I stopped smoking by drinking everything through a straw, sucking on lollipops and licorice sticks. I hated the gum and didn’t find it too effective either and the patches frightened me a bit. I’ve heard some not nice stories about them. I found the withdrawal symptoms were pretty manageable (after the first few days, which I spent at home relaxing with bad movies to get past the shaking and the headaches) just so long as I had something in my mouth to distract me.
But your friend should really see a doctor for advice. Her addiction is a good deal more full blown then mine was. Even if for no other reason then to have a really honest chat with a doctor about what to expect, and what the options are a doctors visit would probably be best.
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The Question
me and my cousin babysit my brothers 2 year old daughter quite often. he offered to start paying us recently. he asked us how much we wanted to be payed and we told him $20 a week for each of us. we got payed last friday but we didnt get payed this friday. he told us he would pay us every friday. i depend on this money because at the moment i dont have a job, but yes i am looking for one. it just irritates me that he hasnt paid us yet. i dont know if i should say anything to him because i dont want to get in trouble by my mom. can somebody help me figure out what to do?. thanks for you help
The Answer
Yes, ask your mom what to do.
But remember: You had been doing this for free. So no matter what agreement you have, the offer of money will always seem to be a bit more of a gift, then a payment. You can't exactly demand someone pay up on a gift.
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The Question
So basically, I've never, ever made the first move, cause I've never really had to. Yes I know, it's a bad way to live through life, but it's just easier. Anyway, tonight I actually get the cojones to talk to this guy, and something tells me I got blown off. Technically, he had made the first move, cause he said hi about a week ago, I just thought I'd return the favor. He seemed oddly uninterested, like he was rushing. I'm so....confused. I've never had this happen to me before. I'm not mad, just kind of amused. How do guys do that on a daily basis? How do they handle the rejection? It's not that hard for me to ignore him the next time I see him, cause if he wants bitchy, he's got it. But am I jumping to conclusions? I'm certainly not approaching him again, but I do wanna know what went wrong. Suggestions? Opinions?
The Answer
You are jumping to conclusions.
You are shooting yourself in the foot.
And, without meaning to offend you, you are being a bit self-absorbed.
Why assume that him being rushed or distracted has anything to do with you? Have you never blown off a stranger, or a friend, or even a crush when you had a lot of other stuff on your mind. Have you never been in a really sour mood? I have those moments almost daily.
You didn't describe the event at all, so I can't really tell you what you might have done wrong, but what you are doing wrong now is taking one simply brush off as 'rejection' rather then bouncing back and thinking either:
One: He was unpleasant and now I'm not interested in getting to know him anymore.
Two: He seems distracted. Wonder if I give it another try at a different time he'll be in a better mind space to meet a new person…
If you don’t surrender your control of your own choices and emotional state to the other person AND don’t jump to self-centered conclusions, this simple interaction between human beings doesn’t really feel like rejection at all. It happens everyday. I smile extra large at the cute guy at the gas station and make a joke: He hardly looks up. That isn’t rejection. That is distraction and apathy, and I don’t take it personally.
For all you know, this near-total stranger just realized he was gay. It might have had that little to do with you personally, and since you've decided to never approach him again, you might never know. But you shouldn't assume or jump the ‘rejection’ conclusion. Although it might be true, it’s really not the most likely explanation, and it will only make you unhappy and confused to you try to read a strangers mind.
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The Question
Ok, so i have been going out for this guy for almost 2 months.. isnt really that long but heres my problem my best friend and my best friends boyfriend say my bf is tooo nice to be a good guy. At first i just ignored what they said but then i really thought about it and like he will text me saying i love you and your soo awsome and other really nice things 5 or more times a day and he pays for me if we go anywhere. I think he might just really like me or hes just a gentalman but im not really sure. A couple weeks ago i saw him hanging out in our school court yard with this slutty girl.. could he be cheating on me and sucking up for it?
or am i just paranoid? so i guess my question is, do you think hes just a gentalman? or should i listen to my bestfriend and his bf and break up before i get hurt?
The Answer
Yes, I've known men who are 'too nice'.
They use their niceness either as a cover for their deep insecurities or as a way to manipulate and control the relationship.
When they are being 'too nice' you get the feeling that they are either:
Wondering why anyone would ever want to be with them and trying to spoil your rotten so you don't leave.
OR slowing start demanding and expecting you do things you are uncomfortable with or behaving in ways that weird you out, but you can't say anything without feeling guilty, because they are just so damn NICE to you, so you ignore your unhappiness and blame yourself.
THAT is what you need to watch out for: Manipulation and Total lack of self confidence.
Having either of those kinds of boyfriends is no fun at all. Those types of men, or women, should be avoided like the plague.
With every relationship you ever get into, you run the risk of being hurt. If you feel like this guy is too much of a risk, go ahead and dump him. But don’t dump him because he is too ‘nice’, dump him because you just aren’t that into him, or because he creeps you out. Those are kinds of things that let you know it’s not worth it, not the opinions of others.
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The Question
my boyfriend is telling his friends about our sex life. im mad but i dont know if i really have a reason to be.
The Answer
Perhaps not 'mad' but most certainly annoyed.
You are absolutely entitled to correcting him on that boorish and immature behavoir.
Remind him firmly that gentlemen don't kiss and tell and that he is hurting your feelings by bragging about something that is a private matter between the two of you.
Being honest with your friends is one thing, and he shuold be free to tell them the truth, but being explicit is another thing entirely, and it's not very nice.
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The Question
I'm going to become sexually active soon. Its inevitable. I'm 17 (turning 18 in March). I'm in college, I'm responsible etc.
My mom and I don't really talk about sex. I never got the birds and the bees talk, but its semi-comfortable to talk about my period and puberty stuff with her.
I want my mom to be supportive and I don't want to hide things from her. I'm not saying I want her to be jumping for joy because I'm going to be sexually active, but I want to come to her for advice or support.
How do I get both of us comfortable to talk about stuff like that?
By the way my friend said that I should say "Mom, I think I might need to go on the pill," but I already am (my mom knows). Its to regulate my period.
The Answer
Start off by telling her almost EXACTLY what you just told us.
"Mom, I want you to know I'm not sexually active right now, and I'm telling you that because, eventually I will be and I don't want to hide things from you. I value your advice and support and want to be able to come to you for it when I do start to have sex. Is that going to be okay with you?"
I know, it's damn hard to put all your cards on the table like that. That's why so many people give those sort of backwards hints like 'I need to go on the pill' and why people say absolutely silly things like 'I think I love you.'
We are terrified to really commit ourselves to our feelings and opinions. It feels like putting a big emotional bulleyes on your chest, but it's IS the best way to communicate. It's honest, open, and geunine and you'll make your mother sooo proud and happy (even if she doesn't really want to talk about it and the idea stresses her out!) At the same time, you'll be giving her a respectful chance to back out a bit by asking her what her comfort level with that kind of conversation.
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