|
is it fair?
i cheated on my bf, he found out, we broke up. he forgave me but we are not dating. he is at an away college. he doesnt want to have a long distance relationship so when school is out he will come back and we can try again. he is allowed to go on dates while he is at school. he can party and everything else and doesnt have to tell me. since im the one who messed up and is trying to earn his trust back, if i go out w friends or date, i have to tell him. so my question now is, is it fair?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
No.
Of course its not fair.
None of it is. What hes doing to you isnt fair, what you did to him isnt fair.
Fair is irrelevant. Its about what you want and what you'll compromise on.
Are you willing to date a guy who wants to have you guaranteed when he comes home, but doesn't want to maintain a relationship until its convenient? He wants you...but not that much?
You're both kinda being fucked up people, question is, are you going to live with it, speak up about it, or break up over it?
Relationships aren't fair. They are compromises. Compromises mean that everything is not 50/50, but rather that both people get what they need.
You two need to talk, if nothing else. He's being a little shit to get laid right now, and wants to come back when he can come home and get laid again. He's disguising selfishness as "im hurt and I need time" or whatever, which is a really fucked up thing to do.
You screwed up. Honest appraisal, from his initial reaction if nothing else this will come up every major fight and every time he feels the need to slap you down for not being grateful enough that he stayed with you. He will erode what self confidence you have left until you couldn't imagine leaving him if for no other reason than that you don't deserve to as long as he'll have you.
Or some other similarly stupid bullshit.
Get out now. Get yourself together. Stop talking to him. Tell him that you're sorry, but you screwed things too much, and you won't be able to forgive yourself for it as long as you are with him.
And use it to teach yourself a lesson. Don't. Fuck. Up.
Period.
You sound like a nice girl with terrible judgement. Everyone makes mistakes, but mistakes like these arent the same as knocking over something expensive or accidentally calling your mother in law annoying within her hearing range. Regardless of the fact that your boyfriend seems to be a selfish asshole who is using this situation to his advantage for the purpose of sex with people not you, he WAS hurt by this. I'm quite sure theres a revenge aspect to this.
That being said, you will NEVER have a decent relationship with someone who would "get revenge" on his girlfriend (especially with sex) and whom you have handed the ULTIMATE clear card to.
"Oh, you want me to do something? Well, I can't because you cheated on me. Oh, I forgot to do what I said I was going to do ten times? Well I was thinking about the fact that you cheated on me. Did I do something stupid that cost us alot of money? Well, you cheated on me..."
If you aren't at the break up point now, at least open your eyes and talk to him. Let this question be the voice in the back of your head that asks "is it really OK for him to do this to a partner?"
::Edit::
As always Rahzie hit the nail on the head with far more elegance than I could ever muster.
Obey her, she knows what she's talking about.
]
This just spells out trouble to me.
Yes, you made a huge mistake, but he isn't making it any better by setting these ridiculous rules.
You 2 aren't together, so you're free to do as you wish. If you're sure you're going to get back together, then wait for each other. but by the sounds of it, he's planning on making you jealous and maybe getting revenge..
]
I don't think it's fair, but you have to ask yourself if you are happy with the way things are being dealt with. You obviously made a mistake and if he did not feel like he wants you out with your friends or whatever, he shouldn't have forgiven you. Plain and simple, I don't think you should try again because he seems like the type of person to hold this on you forever. Like, you'll go out to dinner with your sister or whatever and he wanted to hang out and he'll be like, 'REMEMBER THAT TIME!..." It's not right to put you through that, so allow him to know that if he is doing it, so will you, and you wont be punished forever (like the other person said) because of something, because he did forgive you.
The best of luck to you.
]
It's up to the two of you to decide if it's fair. But, if I were in your shoes, I certainly wouldn't agree to that arrangement.
You cheated yes, and you DO need to earn his trust back, but 'earning trust back' does NOT mean being punished, and when he gets total freedom, and you are required full disclosure, you are being PUNISHED for cheating.
That isn't the groundwork for a healthy relationship. It's just a different kind of inequity.
Trust is a two-way street, it's never solely one person's responsibility. Although you screwed up, big time, this approach isn't going to fix that. It's only going to introduce a new level of drama.
Look at this way:
If you AREN'T in a relationship, then you don't need to tell each other anything at all. Neither of you are owed an explanation for any behavior while you are not together. If you DO decide to get back together, THEN you need to be honest about how you spent the time apart.
If you are in a relationship, just on a break, then you both need to be honest about what you doing on that break.
You did betray him, and you are going to have to behave perfectly if you want to have a chance with him. But that doesn't mean he gets to punish you by withholding information about his rommantic interest in you, or in others. That is immature and unjustified. Either you both owe each other the honest truth, or you don't.
From your question, it sounds like you are NOT, together. So this is my advice to you:
Tell him you care about him and want another shot at a relationship, but don't think that either of you should put your life on hold for a year and build up expectations. (He has already told you he has no intention of doing so, so really, this shouldn't be a surprise to him. If he isn't willing to be together, but apart, why should you be?).
Let him know that if he still interested when he comes back from college and thinks you could be good together, he knows where to find you, but that in the meantime, you two are just friends.
Then cool down your communication with him. Make him into a friend by treating him as a friend. No conversations where you pour your heart out, just friendly chats. Let time tell you if you can be something more, but don't sit on your butt with your heart on your sleeve letting him punish you whenever the need hits him. You can never earn someone back that way.
]
No it isn't. Regardless of the reason, if
you are not going to have a long distance
relationship, you are both free to date
others until he is out of school.
Forgiving someone means just that. It is
to be forgotten. You do not forgive and
then punish them forever for it. So if
you are both not free to go out without
telling, that's unfair. It may spell the
end of the relationship but don't agree
to that. It sounds like its pretty much
over anyway I'm sorry to say. Thats not
an option someone who has forgiven you
would offer.
]
More Questions: |