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my best guy friend....
PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME, OR TELL ME ITS WRONG...
okay so i have a best guy friend (who has a girlfriend of two years) lately we've been talking about sexual stuff and we got on the topic of us. i've ALWAYS wanted him, and he is the only guy i could ever see myself doing anything with but i never thought i would actually get the opportunity to. so we were talking about hooking up this weekend. we were talking about it about a week and a half ago but ever since, he hasn't texted me at all or anything. i thought he would for sure text me sometime today or yesterday because he's not one to be like... yeah lets hook up but i wont talk to you at all before, i thought he would be nice and make sure we're still on for this weekend and everything. i mean what guy is going to turn down the opportunity of hooking up with someone and HE brought it up first too its not like i asked him to. i just don't know what to do i DONT text anyone first, even he knows that. i dont want to tell people i can't do anything and then me and him not even end up hanging out this weekend and then not have anything to do but i don't want to make plans and then have him still want to hang out you know? why do you guys think he hasn't been talking to me this is definately not like him. i don't want to text him and ask him because i will feel stupid. i never feel comfortable doing that kind of stuff so please don't say, just text him and ask if you're still on. i just want some opinions on why you think he hasn't been texting me or anything, it's kind of hurting me :[
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Although Razhie has some really good points, I highly doubt he "feels bad" now so he just stopped communicating. I say this because you clearly state that he does this periodically--talks to you about hoooking-up and then leaves you hanging for a day or more:
"everytime he text's me we'll talk for like a day and then after he wont text me after that for awhile..."
I really think he sees you as a piece of meat, that he can use and leave whenever he wants. He probably is just leading you on enough so when the timing is right on his part, he can use you, and then drop you off. This is, typically, the way friends-with-benefits goes about anyway.
If he was genuinely concerned after telling you that you two could hook up and has changed his mind then he wouldn't be going back-and-forth as he is. Chances are he DOES want to hook-up, it's just that he doesn't care WHO he hooks up with. This means he doesn't care who you are or what you are. You are something he can come play with whenever he wants.
He has no special feelings to you because you aren't special to him. He sees you as someone he can use and drop whenever he wants and someone he can use in the meantime. He'll lead you on, keeping you hanging and hoping, but won't ever develop feelings for you the way you may develop feelings for him.
Friends with benefits basically just means two people meet up to engage in sexual activity and that is all. They rarely go on anything considered as a "date" and typically do not speak to each other more than to set-up a meeting for sex.
The problem with friends with benefits is that people tend to become emotionally attached at some point, usually females. When this happens it seems that the person simply cannot grasp that a real relationship is not forming and is not there. They tend to become very depressed and may even obsess over their sexual partner, hoping for some glimmer of a relationship--which, by the way, can never be strong if it were to form because the entire basis for (at least) one person would be sex.
I believe that communication and overall interaction is cut down so much as to avoid emotional baggage from forming (which usually forms anyway but these sort of people try to avoid it, naturally). The more you interact with someone on a personal basis (ie: getting to know who they are), the more likely it is that you will develop some sort of attachment to them. Attachment is a hard thing while in a friends with benefits situation because the other person typically does not share those same feelings for you.
It simply comes down to cutting personal contact out to be able to have a guilt-free sexual relationship. The more you know about a person, the higher chances there are that you will become emotionally or mentally attached to them. This is why many people say that these kinds of "relationships" are extremely unhealthy--you do not learn how to effectively communicate and interact with a partner at all.
In short, I think he's leading you on. He may not be ready to hook-up, or he may be trying to lessen your communication with him so he doesn't have to deal with your attachment. He knows you're attached and he knows he isn't attached to you. He knows how girls are, he knows he can use you because he got you to say, "Yes!"--which, in turn, was admitting that you had feelings for him. He doesn't want YOU, he wants sex--that is all this is.
Please, spare your own feelings and stop assuming this guy is decent by saying things like "he hasn't texted me at all or anything. i thought he would for sure text me sometime today or yesterday" and "i thought he would be nice and make sure we're still on for this weekend and everything"
He doesn't like you. He isn't going to like you. He sees no point in communicating with you. He is going to get what he wants--WHY should he make any more effort?
He is just a guy, looking for sex.
He would take sex from your sister if he thought she'd say yes.
He'd take sex from your aunt if he thought she'd say yes.
You aren't special to this guy.
He is going to CHEAT on his girlfriend of TWO YEARS so you two can have sex--do you REALLY think he's smart? Nice? Kind? Has his head on straight?
He's young and horny.
Drop this and find someone who cares so you're not left with really stupid baggage.
If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask me! :)
P.S. I am in no way judging you or telling you this is completely wrong. I am telling you the honest truth so you can make a wise decision about your own emotions and who you want to grow into. I am hear to tell you that if you went through with this, there would be more and more. Guys and guys. Time and time again. Heartbreak. Scared. Broken. Lonely. I can tell you, it isn't what it seems right now.
Please, think it over.
I am just concerned for you.
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He's probably feeling guilty, confused and a bit ashamed.
If he's a decent guy anyways.
If he isn't decent, he probably just doesn't care enough to confirm or give you a call. He’s got his own stuff going on. Fooling around with you online was just a temporary assessment, nothing more.
Or you know, he could just be really busy. But that seems unlikely.
The kind of guy who turns down the opportunity of hooking up with someone when HE brought it up first is a guy who realizes he made mistake, and doesn’t want to make an even bigger one. Either by betraying his girlfriend, or by causing pain to his friend.
It would nice if he’d just explain, but really, why should he? As far as he is concerned, he doesn’t really owe you anything. You were just fooling around online. And you haven’t asked him for an explanation, so you must not be all that interested anyways.
My advice to you: If you are going to be comfortable with fooling around with other people’s boyfriends, get comfortable chasing the guy, getting blown off and being disappointed.
That is what happens when are the other women. You aren’t entitled to an explanation like the girlfriend is, and you aren’t going to be given one. You’re going to be treated like sloppy seconds and your feelings aren’t really going to count for too much.
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