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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I HATE MY EX BOYFRIEND! he acts like he still loves me and then he ditches me to smoke. im fourteen. i want to show him that im done with him but idk how... help?
The Answer
Dump him and never speak to him agian.
That will give in the message loud and clear.
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The Question
I have a boyfriend that I have been with for two years. However, for the past 6 months or so our relationship has been really boring. We never go out, he never has any money, and all he wants to do is sleep on my couch and call it "spending time with me". He refuses to go back to college and try to get a better job so he can move out from his parents. I mean, he is 24! The flip side of this is that I have thought that I love him. he claims to want to get married and I'm gonna feel bad for hurting his feelings.
Then I met this other guy. He graduated business school from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He has a good job, his own house and a freaking life. I broke down and went out with him on a date last night. I had a really good time. He opened doors for me, payed for my dinner, even walked me to my car. The flip side of this is he lives an hour away and I am used to seeing my boyfriend everyday.
So, what I am asking is for opinions. What should I do? Do you think it has the chance of working out with the other guy? I'm not a habitual cheater and I have never done this before. In fact, I feel guilty about it in a certain way, but in a certain way I don't. What do you think? Thanks.
The Answer
You are in a relationship hun, so this isn't an either-or question.
DO NOT set yourself up with a false choice.
Your choice is not about one guy or the other.
Your choice is if you want to continue in your relationship or not.
Remove this other guy from your brain. You are not free to consider him at this point and he really shouldn't be a factor in your mind. Deal with your relationship first and foremost.
Tell the new guy you need some space to handle a few things in your personal life, and that you hope to be able to reconnect with him again in a little while to explain.
Then forget about him, and think long and hard about the relationship you are actually in.
Other people are never a good reason to end a relationship. They are an excuse and a distraction, not a reason. If you are unhappy and unsatisfied in your current relationship, then end it. Even if you don’t have any other guy waiting in the wings, end it anyways. You don’t need a guy in your life, not one that you see every day or one that lives an hour away. If you feel you DO need a guy in your life, then you should REALLY just stay single for a while, and work on that problem. Because it is a problem: Healthy, confident adults are capable of being alone and being okay.
Don’t cheat. You cheapen yourself and any possibility you might have with this other guy if you do.
Don’t audition this new guy while still with your boyfriend. That’s just scummy.
Don’t ‘see how it goes’, if seeing how it goes means misleading people and betraying them.
Figure out what you want to do, and then do it honestly.
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The Question
whats the difference between mental and psychological problems?
The Answer
The words have very similar meanings
Psychology is an academic and applied discipline involving the scientific study of human mental functions and behavior.
So a phychological problem is a a problem with the mind's fuction or behavoir that can be understood and examined objectively.
Metal is defined as 'about or having to do with the mind.' So a mental problem is any problem that has anything to do with the mind.
It's probably good to realize that it's the 'science' part that really seperates these two words. Mental is a general word for things about the mind. Psychological is a much more percise word that is used in serious scientific study having to do with the human mind.
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The Question
I'm dating a man I've known for several years and always been quitet fond of. We were friends first and are compatible on many levels, and we recently slept together. Afterwards he told me he thought of me more as a "friend with benefits." Meanwhile, I'm in love. To put it simply:
Women: compatibility + attraction = love
Men: compatibility + attraction = FWB
compatibility + attraction + X = love
I don't understand what's missing. What is "X"?
The Answer
This isn't math class, it's real life.
There are many people I am compatible with and attracted too, it doesn't mean I'm in love with them.
There are also people I have been in love with who I was definately not compatiable with.
The heart doesn't do what makes mathematical sense.
Forcunately, your real-lfie problem does have a simple enough solution:
Talk about it.
If there is something you want from your arrangment with him that you aren't getting, speak up.
When he tells you what he does or doesn't feel for you, listen to him.
I would suggest you not beat yourself up however. Remmeber that if you love him, and he doens't love you, you aren't actually compatiable.
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The Question
13/F
The problem is that he and my mother got into a big fight and about him not coming home with his complete paycheck which ended in him leaving. He came back and confessed that he had ruined everything he worked for. He is a recovering addict and before he and my ma fought he was hanging with old friends and one of them happened to have drugs and my step father was drunk and had a pocketfull of money and made a really stupid decision. A whole year ruined by one night. I was so proud of him, He was so proud of himself. i dont know what to do. im so disappointed but i feel so bad for him. he and i just sat here and cried while he told me everything. and i all i could think to say was even the strongest ppl. give in. It hurt me so much to see one of the people i love the most and the strongest guy in my life to break down right in front of me. Im lone of the only people that can help him i just have no idea how. I cant just sit back and do nothing. How do i help him? I need to help him.
The Answer
You can't help him.
You are not one of the only people who can help him. HE is the ONLY person, on this whole planet, who can help himself.
He made a bad descision and he relapsed. That is the truth of being an addict. It happens.
Either he will rememeber his counseling, where they do talk about what to do when you slip, and ralley himself and try agian OR he wont.
That is entirely up to him. It's his choice to make.
You are his child, not his therapist or his doctor or his partner, or him. The only thing you can do is tell him the truth. Tell him you love him, tell him you are dissapointed. Your honesty is the best gift you can give him.
Other then that give him space to be an adult, and deal with this adult problem. Trust that he can do it. Tell him you trust him to fix this. He's shown you he can do it in the past. Go back to being his child. Your only job in his life is to love him, and to try and forgive him. It's HIS job to fix this.
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The Question
Is it acceptable to go out with someone you known for years is he or she is married?
The Answer
I draw the line at co-habitation.
Even if someone is technically broken up with thier partner (married or no) if they are still living with them, I will NOT date them. I don't need that drama.
If you are asking is it okay to hang out with a married friend: Of course it is.
If you are asking if it is okay to date a married friend: of course it is NOT.
The only possible ways it could be okay is:
One: If the couple has an argreed upon arrangement where they are able to see other people.
Two: If they are seperated, living apart and are actively pursuing divorce (Couples in marriage counseling trying to 'save' thier marriage do not count.)
It's really not that complicated. We all know what isn't okay: Lies and cheating are NOT okay. Betraying your partner is NOT okay.
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The Question
okay so ive been talking to this guy i met at a friends house, weve been talking since december and ever since january hes been asking me to do sexual things with him next time i see him, which was SUPPOSED to be this coming up saturday, but i really cant figure him out anymore. first of all, this is gonna sound really messed up but he thinks were going to have sex. ive said its a bad idea but he doesnt listen. i was never going to though, i just never said no because i knew if i did then he wouldnt go to their house and i wouldnt be able to see him..i want to see him because i sort of like him. but anyways, he IMed me this morning, making it seem like he wanted to have like text sex or something because he said something perverted like that, and i was like okay and then he said, yeah so you want me in it stretching it? [i know thats awkward to say, but he thinks hes cool, idont really know.] and i said, mhm your alone right and he said, nevermind i dont wanna and i said, huh? haha and he said, i dont care really and i said, dont care about what..what are you talking about? and he said, stfu. and then i go, what? what are you talking about i really dont get it and then he just never answered and signed off.
he has been leaning me on for 3 months saying how badly wants meand how he wants to do it with me, but then..all the sudden he says nevermind i dont wanna. what the hell?! what did i do? i mean i dont want to, but i want to see him, and i think he means he doesnt want to even go to their house anymore. i mean all he said was everything i just told you, so its hard to figure out what he meant, maybe he meant, i dont wanna, as in i dont wanna have text sex right now. i really dont know..what do you think? why do you think he suddenly said that? someone please tell me and help me understand because im truly lost.
The Answer
When you say NO to a guy, do not say "I don't think so." and do not say "I think it's a bad idea."
Just say NO.
That is why girls get a bad reputation for being teases, and that is why guys think NO doesn’t always mean NO. They get that idea because too many girls don't say no when they really mean NO, NO, NO.
Don't be polite. Don't say '... I don't think so...'
Guys who badger you for sex are NOT being polite. You don’t have to be friendly back. You should NOT be worried about offending him or losing his friendship or attention.
Say: "NO! Never going to happen. I said NO. Stop talking about it to me. It's offensive. Shut up!”
Seriously.
Please.
I know you ‘sort of like him’, but he is also ‘sort of’ a total dick, and you shouldn’t put up with that. If you have self-respect and mean NO, Say NO. If he can’t respect that, and be your friend anyways and maybe even still enjoy your company, then he is a total dick who only wants in someone’s pants, and just thought he might get into yours.
You'll be doing a favour to every woman in this world who thinks she has to be 'nice' when she constantly badgered for sex.
You'll be doing a favour to every man on the planet who doesn't realize that NO truly means no, because too many weak-willed women tried to politely tell him ‘sorry... I don’t think so...” when what the really meant was “Never in a million years! Stay away from me you creep!”
You'll be doing yourself a favour, because you'll be setting a high-standard for the way people are allowed to treat you and preventing yourself for experiencing this kind of angst again!
Don’t stress out about the texting thing. For all you know his mother walked into the room... There are a million things that could have happened. You won’t know unless he tells you, and might not even tell you the truth.
Really though: Stop leading him on. That IS what you are doing. It’s not mature, it’s not fair to him, and it puts you in a position where you might end up doing something you really don’t want too. Tell him where your boundaries are in stick to them. If you do that, and you never see him again, consider it a blessing.
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The Question
Hello my name is jess. I added a speedate app on my facebook. An old flame of mine found me and sent me a nasty message. I told him off but ever since this happened (which was a month ago) I can't stop thinking about him. I want to confront him and tell him why he would contact me after all this time and when he said he would never contact me or talk to me again. He also pops into my life periodically just to mess with me. What should I do?
The Answer
Ignore him, and get over it.
ANY action you take, ANY confrontation you make, will only contribute to his nasty behavoir.
For whatever reason, he gets his rocks off on being nasty to you. If you let him know it affects you, he'll just keep on doing it.
Learn to let it go.
The only thing you should not let go of, is anything that is worth calling the police over. Any behavoir less serious then that, ignore it.
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The Question
Last summer when my niece turned 16 I gave her my car as a gift, as she was about to learn how to drive. It was 8 years old and had 120,000 miles on it, a perfect car for a young, new driver.
Now, partly because the economic collapse has made it a buyer's market, my brother and sister-in-law have decided to buy a new car. However they can't afford, for insurance purposes, the gifted car, which would now become a third car in their family. So with my niece's okay they decided to sell the car which I had given her as a gift.
My question is (not for legal reasons but regarding the etiquette of the situation) should I receive any money once the car is sold? I feel like I gave my niece a gift, the type of gift which a teenager rarely receives, and that gift has turned into a money-making sale for my brother and sister-in-law, which obviously was not my intention. They see the situation differently, i.e., the car is now theirs, the picture has changed, and they can do this without regard for my feelings.
Thank you for your response.
The Answer
EDIT in response to feedback:
I think you are right, and so is everyone else, in thinking the sale of the car should benefit your niece in some way. HOWEVER, the point I want to make is that that benefit should be something for her and her parents to negotiate. If you think your niece is getting a bum deal, you are defiantly free to support her in making herself heard.
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No. There is no reason you should receive money.
They are correct. The car is now the young ladies, and she is free to give it to her parents to sell.
It would be unfortunate if your brother and sister-in-law where pushing the teen to do this against her own judgment, but you don't imply that they are. It seems instead, like the young lady also weighed the pros and cons and decided this would be a good choice for her family.
You can be miffed, if you would like. You can feel slighted or offended. No one can stop you from disapproving of their choices and feeling however you want. By all means if you feel your niece has been bullied into this arrangement, you should very, VERY gently remind her that the gift was to HER and that if she feels as though it's being taken from her she should speak up very firmly.
But that is as far as any 'etiquette' can allow.
Involving you in the discussion about what to be done about the car would have been courteous of them and might have spared some bad blood between you, but by no means was it required.
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The Question
So, this is kind of an odd question, but it's really bothering me!
Today in English, my teacher said a word that sounded like it was spelt "vitchorial" or something like that. She said it meant something like "bitter" or some negative word like that?
She said that it was used in context with speeches, like "the speech had a tone of vitchory."
I can't find it on dictionary.com. If anybody knows what word I'm talking about, it would be greatly appreciated.
The Answer
I'm guessing she said vitriolic.
Which techinically means 'like sulfuric acid'. So, it's can used like "vitriolic criticism", which would mean very bitter, unpleasant criticism.
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The Question
what do you think the definition for "mentally unstable" is? I've searched google and havn't found a good one. To me, if you're "mentally unstable", you're psychotic, or suicidal, insane, have a severe mental disorder, can't think straight, that kinda stuff. but im not sure, can anyone help?
The Answer
'Mentaly Unstable' is not a technical term. It's called a colloquialism. It's imformal, inpercise language.
We can talk all day about what we think it means, but no one will really be right. That's why you can't find a good a defination for it. It's not a medical lable, or a diagnoitic term, it's just two words: 'Mental', which means 'about or having to do with the mind' and 'unstable', which means 'likely to change suddenly and create difficulties or danger' that we often use togeather to convey meaning.
It's okay that you think it means psychotic or insane or such... but when you look at the words that make up the phrase the best defination is likely something like: a mental state that is prone to swift and detrimental changes.
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The Question
I met this friend when we were 14 (25 now)and we were really really close for a few years, but I felt like she was using me, then we went our separate ways for about 8 or 9 years. Well a few years ago we started hanging out together and everything was fine for a while, but now she never wants to hang out and she never calls unless she wants something. I bend over backwards for this friend, and I don't mind doing things for her, but I just feel like she's using me again. I honestly don't want to be friends with her anymore, but I feel REALLY guilty because we've gone through this before and this woman, she's had a really hard life. She tells me all the time she's never had a friend treat her as good as I do. I don't think she's selfish on purpose, I think she doesn't know any better. I've told her twice before how I feel but she tries to turn it around and make it sound like I'm making her feel uncomfortable or unwanted.
I stood by her side non stop for a week when her son died in a car accident, I quit my job and babysat for her other five year old son for $20/week and when she got pregnant recently I threw her a huge baby shower.. I have literally given this woman the coat off my back and I just feel like she uses me, but I don't want to hurt her. What should I do? I've tried confronting her and nothing changes.
The Answer
No more confrontations and no more blame.
It's not her fault she uses you. You are allowing yourself to be used.
Decide what you are willing to give and what you aren't willing to give. Write it down if you want. A list like this might be helpful:
If she calls me and is upset, I will listen for 1 hour, no more.
I will not loan her money.
I am willing to do babysit once a month to assist her.
And so on.
If you don't believe she is deliberately using you AND trying to explain your position has not worked, then the problem isn't her (or at least, it isn't something she can fix. She is simply not intelligent enough to figure it out on her own AND/OR she has no intention of changing).
So the problem is your feelings. You need to take responsibility for those by no longer putting yourself in a position where you feel put-upon. Write your list, and STICK to your list. If you stick to your list and still feel like you are being used, update the list! If you do this, gently and firmly telling her that “No. I’m sorry, I can’t do that/I’m not comfortable doing that anymore.” Offer no explanations and don’t’ give into her guilt. Simply stick to the list.
If, in addition to sticking to the list, you still want to invite her out, go ahead.
Stop trying to fix her. You’ve known her long enough to realize that isn’t going to happen. Fix your response to her actions, and seek your own happiness first.
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The Question
I truly don't know where to start with this.
I would like as many opinions as possible.
and I'm sorry, but it's long and a bit scattered, so please bear with me.
I have a best friend who I've known since I was 5. I am now 20 years old. I am female and he is male (he is 19 and we will call him "M"). 2 years ago, he told me he liked me, but at the time I had a boyfriend - and I still do now (different guy from 2 yrs ago) who's now actually my fiance (we will call him "B").
I told "M" I didn't like him in *that* way and thought we would be better as friends. It didn't seem to affect our friendship after that. He still told me he liked me, but knew nothing was going to come of it. I didn't mind this, because I didn't expect him to just wake up one morning and be over me.
Throughout these 2 years after he told me he liked me, our friendship was great - we would hang out a lot and do what friends should.
but a few months ago, "M" went to university. During that time, I got a new boyfriend ("B" my fiance) and when "M" came home from uni for the Christmas holidays, a few things happened.
Bear in mind this is the first time "M" and "B" met.
We (along with my other friends who also came back from uni) went on a night out. "M" got too drunk and let's just say he did a few things which he shouldn't have (was acting flirty with me, trying to touch me etc with "B" right there) "B" hated this and I'm sure anyone else would.
Since then, "B" has tried to get along with "M" the next time everyone hung out but it just wasn't happening and "M" kind of ignored him.
I spoke to "M" about the incident of him trying to touch me and he simply said he's sorry, he doesn't remember and he was obviously too drunk.
Then he went back to uni and so did everyone else.
After that, me and "B" were fine. "M" would ring me sometimes and it would annoy "B" a lot because it was at silly hours of the morning and he didn't appreciate someone who caused us problems and who he knows likes me, calling me quite often.
But I didn't answer the calls anyway cos I knew it upset "B". Instead, I asked "M" to only ring me if he really needs me for something. It took a little while for him to listen, but so far I seem to have got across to him and he only calls me if necessary.
Here's the big problem which is jeapordizing my relationship with the person I love.
"B" constantly talks about what happened with "M". I told "B" that I forgive "M" for the problems he has caused.. and he went mad.
I believe in giving people chances and I would like to give "M" one chance, because deep down, I know he is a good person, with a kind heart and I do believe he would never do what he did again. but "B" isn't having any of it. He hates me talking to him and he won't let me see him when he comes down from uni again in 2 weeks time.
"M" is oblivious to the fact that "B" and I STILL argue over something that happened 3 months ago. Sure, I told him about the incident and to stop calling me so much at the time and it's worked.. but I don't know what to do, cos I know "M" is gonna ask to hang out like we always used to..
I don't wanna hurt "B" and go against his wishes, but I just don't know what to do. He trusts me and he knows I would never do anything. but he says "M" doesn't deserve to see me after what he's done.
I need all answers please. I don't know if I should just keep my fiance happy and not see my best friend.. or see my best friend but hurt my fiance. There isn't any other option because "M" definitely wouldn't want to hang with me if "B" is there.
The Answer
Tell them both to grow up. Seriously, and firmly.
Tell B that it is your choice, not his, if M is worthy of your friendship. You have decided that he is and that is the end of the discussion. You can be sorry that B doesn't agree, and you can respect his opinion. But it's still your own choice, and you have to expect B to respect that choice even if he disagrees with it. If he trusts and respects you, he needs to trust and respect your decision.
Tell M that he is going to have to get used to B being around. He's your fiancé for goodness sake! Eventually you'll get marriage and live together yes? What does M think? You are going to sneak around in public places and while B is out just because he is a cowardly and wounded. You’ll leave your husband at home just for his sake? That is just silly. If you intend to spend your life with B, you need to M that being part of your life, means at least being civil and friendly to B. If he can’t manage that, then he has too much baggage to be your friend.
Be firm with them both, and tell each of them that you are being firm with the other as well. Don’t let either of them force you to choose. You put their feet to the fire and make them choose. Make them choose to either be civil, mature and respectful adults, or to be petty jealous little boys.
The one that can’t behave is the one who’ll get hurt. And they will only be able to blame themselves.
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The Question
Okay,
I am 23 and my older sister is 29. We never really had a relationship but I have a facebook and I try to get to know her off the site.
My older sister has 3 young children and one on the way and she's also been married for 5 years.
It bothers me because I as well as my parents feel like she sort of disowned us once she had her first child back in 2006. She never visits my mother and rarely has contact with my father...yet alone her and I are almost complete strangers. It hurts me but there is SO much I want to say to her because I am angry that she never even asked me or my younger sister to be her brides maid at her wedding, and she never calls us or even stops by and when I do talk to my older sister on facebook it's almost like she cops an attitude and brushes me off completely and I really want her to know I'm fed up with it etc. but I don't know how to tell her because well again I don't know her and I don't want to come across as the type that dwells on the past plus she is about 7 months along and I don't want to get her too upset.
What should I do?
The Answer
If you want to build a new relationship with your big sister, leave your judgement and resentment at the door.
There is obviously a lot more going on here, but I can guarantee you that your sister’s feelings must be deeply hurt as well. This kind of silence is the worst kind of heartbreak; she wouldn't do it 'just for kicks'. It might be based on misunderstandings, or a few words said in angry a long, long time ago, but you need to grasp that you don't know the full extent of your sister's pain and unhappiness but it is probably very real.
Assuming that she 'disowned' the family is not fair to her. Confronting her because you feel angry and fed up is also not fair, because it’s assuming the worst of her. You can feel that way, but blaming her for your feelings isn’t right. You don't know her reasons for behaving the way she does: She could need help, mentally or emotionally, she could feel wounded somehow by her treatment at home. Assuming that she is a bad person is NOT the way to mend the relationship. You’ll only drive her further away.
If you don’t want to dwell in the past DON’T. Instead focus on the future: She’s even provided you with a great future to focus on. Focus on her kids and her family.
Reach out her and let her know you want to be a part of her family and her life.
DON’T mention your parents or other siblings. It’s not about them. You are old enough to act only for you. So reach out to her only as yourself.
DON’T drag up the past. DON’T criticize her choices.
DO talk about your feelings and failures. If you feel like you’ve never really gotten to know her, say as much and take responsibility for your own failure to put the effort in. Express to her that now that you’ve become an adult, you’ve realized how important it is to you to have a bond with her, and you are willing to put in the effort to make that happen.
DON'T blame her for the way you are feeling.
DO express an interest in things you think are important to her. Express your desire to know your nieces and nephews and share her joy over her growing family.
DO keep trying with the same sincerity and kindness. Don’t get catty or bitchy the first time she shuts you down, that will only prove to her that she is right in blowing you off. Instead, wait for the birth and send a sweet card and keepsake for the new baby, renewing your message of love and desire to be a good aunt. Remember your nieces and nephews birthdays; send a mother’s day card. Don't barrage her with pointless messages on facebook, instead send her monthly letters of a few paragraphs telling her about the cool things happening in your life, and asking her to do the same.
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The Question
I tried to look for my answers in their site but it was too confusing to find:
I'm 15 and it's my dream university; I've been working very hard in high school so that I can get into it. I can't even think of a different school to go to so if I don't make it, seriously, I don't know what I would do. I have a 91-92% average at the moment and the only thing I know is that you need at least between 86-87% average to go there.
1. Has anyone been there? Is it worth it? I've only seen those stereotyped COLLEGE shows with drinking and sex and partying and stuff, is that true?
2. There's just...jerks and rich people at my high school. Are there people like that there too or do the people actually try there and work hard?
3. What is the best field to study there? I want to be a nurse.
4. Do you have to have 6 University courses? I took open Religion to lighten up my schedule for next year so I only have 5 university courses...
5. What type of grades and etc do I need to go there and to graduate from there to be a nurse practitioner?
6. Are the teachers hard and cold and uncaring as the teachers in high school make it out to be? (I get high marks by working hard but I don't think I can seriously sit in a room with 100 people and listen to lectures while anxiously trying to take notes...I can’t write and listen at the same time).
7. Any other facts would be greatly appreciated, thanks!
The Answer
1.) I haven't been, although I do have friends who went to Mac.
Whether or not university is 'worth it' depends ENTIRELY on the person, and what it is they want.
Whether or not it's like the stereotypical drinking and sexing TV show also depends entirely on the person. Remember, this is not your high school class of 1,000 or so people. There are over 20,000 students at MacMaster. That is plenty of people to do WHATEVER you want to with socially.
2.) Those people are still there, but like I said before there are over 20,000 of you. You can find people who want to work and live as you do. You'll naturally gravitate to like-minded people without even trying.
3.) Nursing IS a degree program at Mac. In fact, Mac is well-respected for it's nursing program.
4 and 5
Look here for the requirements to apply to the undergraduate nursing program: http://fhs.mcmaster.ca/nursing/educ_bscn_admit.shtml
But if that isn't clear, YES. You need to have SIX U or M level courses. O Religion wont count and four of those other U level courses MUST BE: U English, a U level math, U Chemistry and U Biology.
6.) Yes and no. It's a teacher's job in high school to care. It's not your university professors job to care. You are PAYING them for a service, and they should do their best to provide that service, but if you don't do the work, no University teacher will not chase you dou. Having said that, most good professors willown and try to make it all better for y make allowances and provide extra help for students who are willing to try hard, MOST Of them are good people, but they are not being paid to give a damn or to 'leave no child behind.'
If you intend to go into nursing you'll need to learn how to sit in a class of a hundred, or more, and either take notes, or record the lecture, or have a notes buddy or whatever else is takes. There are lots of approaches, and you'll need to find the one that works for you.
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The Question
19/f
I've been dating my boyfriend for about three months, and even though we are not the same religion, it's not an issue because we're both open-minded and we don't try to push our ideas on each other. But his mother is very religiously Catholic, and she told my bf that she thinks I'm corrupting him because I'm Buddhist. In truth, my bf has been Agnostic for almost 2 years, and I have nothing to do with his religious point of view.
My bf also told his mom that we're sexually active, assuring her that we always have protected sex and that we're in love. His mom flipped, said I was tearing her family apart, and now he and I can't hang out at his house- we have to go out or chill at MY house.
He and I are both committed to this relationship, and we're planning on staying together for as long as possible. Is there anything I can do to get his mother's blessing?
The Answer
Your boyfriend's mother doesn't hate you. Stop taking this personally. It's not presonal.
What she HATES is the way her son is behaving. Remember that. Repeat it to yourself if need be. Smile and be poliete and repeat, mantra-like in your mind "She is upset with her son's behavoir. Her anger isn't about me. She just thinks it is."
It's simply easier for her to think she hates you, then to face the fact that she and her son disgaree on thier religious beliefs and morals. She feels better hating you, then she would actually having a dialogue with her son, and finding a way to respect and live with his own choices.
Don't seek out her blessing. You wont get it, and at 19, neither of you need it. All you need is some basic respect, and it is your boyfriend who must demand that on your behalf. As for you, all you can do is be mature and poliete. Don't break her rules, don't argue with her, and don't offend her in your words or actions. Remember that her problem isn't actually with you, as much as she might think it is, so don't let it become about you by behaving in a way that justifies that belief. Instead, remember that her problem is with her son, and your only role in this is to support him and be civil to her. Remind your boyfriend that although you two are in a relationship, you aren't marriage yet! That means his relationship with his mother is still solely his responsibilty. You'll behave as well as you can, but he is the one who needs to make the real change. He sounds like he has a sound head on his shoulders, so just support and empower him to address this issue with his mother.
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The Question
this isn't for homework -- just an opinion. what do you guys think this poem is about?, or what do you think about how it is written? any opinions at all would be good. :]
a heart nailed to a tree
fenced in and out of reach
you watched the crucifixion that lasted years
screams against deaf ears
helped surfaced brand new fears:
that your arms would never stretch for enough
that this heart could never be saved
that those shouts may never be heardor that the heart you wanted would change
when the torture was complete
the gate was open and the heart was free
a steady crescendo with each new beat
it lay bloodied under autumn's changing leaves
straining against the loudest sound
of the happy, bright thing you've found
a realization (something great could grow here someday)
a determination (maybe it is always all the same)
that could rip stars straight out of the sky
i have no right to ask this
i know i had my chance to try
but something about all of this
won't let me watch it die
you're happy in a safe placeprobably with greener grass and far less gore
i want to put that old smile on your face
i promise not to let you down anymore this wasted field is your place
the heart is always yours
The Answer
I would say it's about someone loosing their lover, at least partly through their own fault, and want them back even though they think it can't (maybe shouldn't) happen.
As for the way it’s written. There is an inconsistent use of grammatical conventions (colons and conjunctions). That is always one of the first things I notice. If a poet doesn't know why they are saying it the WAY they are saying it, they more likely to be confused about other things as well. Breaking the rules of grammar in poetry is a great thing, but it works best when a poet know which rules, why they are choosing to break them, and when they are consistent about doing so.
If there is going to be only ONE colon in the poem, and no other punctuation at all, that colon should pack a hell of a punch.
When a poet use conjunctions like “you’re” and “that’s”, the time they are not used them will seem clunky and formal. That formality of language should be deliberate.
Lots of words that are hurting the imagery rather than helping it and there are a few cliches.
This is a bit more of a personal opinion then an objective one, but I've always believed poetry to be 'the least, best words, in the best order'. There are some words in this poem that are vague, that means they have little meaning. Phrases like ‘something great’ and ‘happy, bright thing’ are very inexact and don’t conjure up much emotion. They TELL us what is happening and what we are supposed to feel, instead of SHOWING or evoking emotion. This is one of the pieces of advice all writers get I suspect: Show us, don’t tell us. Don’t tell us that something great might happen, evoke an image or feeling of a great future possibility.
"greener grass" is a cliche. A really classic one. Those should always be avoided.
I suspect, although I could be wrong, that you wrote this about a personal experience. That is great. Poetry is a fabulous way to process emotions, it’s practically designed for it, but I don’t want to go into a more detailed critique of this poem unless you’d like me too. If you want a line by line critique, and some advice, one writer to another on how you could take the beginnings here and turn it into a more successful and communicative piece of art, drop me an e-mail at my column and I’d be happy to give you my thoughts. There are some really clever images in this poem that could totally be fleshed out, the fenced in heart and the crucifixion connection is very interesting, and the line about ripping stars from the sky is lovely. Those sorts of images and ideas can be punched up and developed, and some of the vague and cliched things can be left on the editing room floor.
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The Question
Alright, so I'm pretty good friends with this dude. We have a lot of the same interests, yet lots of differences, of course. lol, it seems we share some of the same problems, too. But, anyways, I really like him as more than a friend, yet he ticks me off endlessly. He can even be a jerk sometimes, but I can, too. Yet, for some reason, I still like him.
He asked me if I wanted to hook up with him a few weeks back, but nothing has really happened, and he said to keep it on the lowdown. But what really ticks me off is how he has all of these pet names for his other friends that are girls and treats them, well, like a guy would treat a girl, I guess. (flirting and whatnot) and yeah, I get jealous sometimes, but I don't say anything, of course.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't want him to view me as just a friend. I don't want to be by his side just to talk about music, books, the problems within the world and whatnot, and I don't like it when he randomly brings up other girls in a conversation we're having and calls them by their pet name.
What should I do?
The Answer
Um, ignore him?
He doesn't want a relationship with you. Lord, he hardly even seems to want a friendship! He wants some action, and he doesn't want anyone else to know about it!
If you want more then a secretive hook-up, he isn't the guy for you, 'cause all he is offering is some random play and to let you be just one of his girls.
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The Question
Well, i would really appreciate that people don't ask me questions on that subject. That's what I'm trying to say.
Kay thanks BYE!
The Answer
If you haven't already you should put that explination up in your profile, and reject questions you don't want to answer if they are asked to your directly. I reject questions all the time for any reason I choose!
Of course you don't have to answer anything you don't want too, but they have the right to ask the question in the first place.
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The Question
I was just wondering why people ask questions about their boyfriends and other innapropriate things that no one needs to be talking about. Doesn't anyone agree with me?
The Answer
No, I completely disagree with you.
Although I there are some some questions we CANNOT answer here, such as explicit questions about sex and masturbation, these questions still NEED to be asked.
If young people don't ask about 'inappropraite things' they will never understand WHY they are inappropraite and worse, they are liable to do something dangerous and careless because they DON'T KNOW.
Now, of course there are other ways they could learn, by using google or such, but it's still good they ask here, because when they ask here, older and more experienced people can help lead them to the best and most accurate information instead of just any old website.
It's up to us as collumnists to give those 'inappropraite' questions, appropraite answers.
People do NEED to be talking about these things. Ignorance, silence and shame are NEVER the solutions to life's problems. Information, education and dialogue are how we grow and learn as human beings.
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