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fiance vs best friend
I truly don't know where to start with this.
I would like as many opinions as possible.
and I'm sorry, but it's long and a bit scattered, so please bear with me.
I have a best friend who I've known since I was 5. I am now 20 years old. I am female and he is male (he is 19 and we will call him "M"). 2 years ago, he told me he liked me, but at the time I had a boyfriend - and I still do now (different guy from 2 yrs ago) who's now actually my fiance (we will call him "B").
I told "M" I didn't like him in *that* way and thought we would be better as friends. It didn't seem to affect our friendship after that. He still told me he liked me, but knew nothing was going to come of it. I didn't mind this, because I didn't expect him to just wake up one morning and be over me.
Throughout these 2 years after he told me he liked me, our friendship was great - we would hang out a lot and do what friends should.
but a few months ago, "M" went to university. During that time, I got a new boyfriend ("B" my fiance) and when "M" came home from uni for the Christmas holidays, a few things happened.
Bear in mind this is the first time "M" and "B" met.
We (along with my other friends who also came back from uni) went on a night out. "M" got too drunk and let's just say he did a few things which he shouldn't have (was acting flirty with me, trying to touch me etc with "B" right there) "B" hated this and I'm sure anyone else would.
Since then, "B" has tried to get along with "M" the next time everyone hung out but it just wasn't happening and "M" kind of ignored him.
I spoke to "M" about the incident of him trying to touch me and he simply said he's sorry, he doesn't remember and he was obviously too drunk.
Then he went back to uni and so did everyone else.
After that, me and "B" were fine. "M" would ring me sometimes and it would annoy "B" a lot because it was at silly hours of the morning and he didn't appreciate someone who caused us problems and who he knows likes me, calling me quite often.
But I didn't answer the calls anyway cos I knew it upset "B". Instead, I asked "M" to only ring me if he really needs me for something. It took a little while for him to listen, but so far I seem to have got across to him and he only calls me if necessary.
Here's the big problem which is jeapordizing my relationship with the person I love.
"B" constantly talks about what happened with "M". I told "B" that I forgive "M" for the problems he has caused.. and he went mad.
I believe in giving people chances and I would like to give "M" one chance, because deep down, I know he is a good person, with a kind heart and I do believe he would never do what he did again. but "B" isn't having any of it. He hates me talking to him and he won't let me see him when he comes down from uni again in 2 weeks time.
"M" is oblivious to the fact that "B" and I STILL argue over something that happened 3 months ago. Sure, I told him about the incident and to stop calling me so much at the time and it's worked.. but I don't know what to do, cos I know "M" is gonna ask to hang out like we always used to..
I don't wanna hurt "B" and go against his wishes, but I just don't know what to do. He trusts me and he knows I would never do anything. but he says "M" doesn't deserve to see me after what he's done.
I need all answers please. I don't know if I should just keep my fiance happy and not see my best friend.. or see my best friend but hurt my fiance. There isn't any other option because "M" definitely wouldn't want to hang with me if "B" is there.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Ok M really likes you and I don't think he will ever stop and you know you can see how a person truly is when they get drunk and I have a really bad feeling about him. B loves you and he just wants best for you and him and I feel like B thinks that m will come between you guys. So with all this stuff going on just go to B and tell him how you truly feel tell him that a long time ago you did like him but that’s in the past tell but you are my future I love you and only you just let it come from the heart. But go to M and tell him I did have a thing for you but that was a long time ago I am over you I love B we can still be friends but THATS ALL. Just say how you truly feel and every thing will be ok. Hope IV helped O and congrats on having a fiance.
Mr-Fix-It
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Tell them both to grow up. Seriously, and firmly.
Tell B that it is your choice, not his, if M is worthy of your friendship. You have decided that he is and that is the end of the discussion. You can be sorry that B doesn't agree, and you can respect his opinion. But it's still your own choice, and you have to expect B to respect that choice even if he disagrees with it. If he trusts and respects you, he needs to trust and respect your decision.
Tell M that he is going to have to get used to B being around. He's your fiancé for goodness sake! Eventually you'll get marriage and live together yes? What does M think? You are going to sneak around in public places and while B is out just because he is a cowardly and wounded. You’ll leave your husband at home just for his sake? That is just silly. If you intend to spend your life with B, you need to M that being part of your life, means at least being civil and friendly to B. If he can’t manage that, then he has too much baggage to be your friend.
Be firm with them both, and tell each of them that you are being firm with the other as well. Don’t let either of them force you to choose. You put their feet to the fire and make them choose. Make them choose to either be civil, mature and respectful adults, or to be petty jealous little boys.
The one that can’t behave is the one who’ll get hurt. And they will only be able to blame themselves.
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It sounds like your fiance is a lot more controlling and insecure than he makes you think. He tells you that he trusts you, but just doesn't think M "deserves" your time, when he probably just isn't comfortable with it. When it comes down to it, it's your decision. You're not doing anything wrong by keeping in touch with an old friend. This is something you two definitely need to work out before you get married. He shouldn't be able to veto you hanging out with people just because of his own insecurities or for any other reason.
This issue is deeper than figuring out whether or not to hang out with your best friend. This could foreshadow future problems. I would advise that you see your best friend, but talk things over with your fiance some more. As long as you are clear about your relationship with M, B should be able to handle it. If not, there is going to be much more for you to worry about.
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It sounds to me like these two need some male bonding. Majorly. First off, B needs to accept the fact that there will always be other guys in your life who will want to establish a friendship with you and he can't have you all to his self. If he'd rather leave you then accept that fact, then he didn't really love you in the first place. So if he even threatens to leave you, you know that he probably doesn't love you as much as you think he does. I think it's interesting that you say he "won't allow you" to see M. He is not in control of you, and you have free will to do whatever you want. If you want to hang out with your best friend that you don't get to see very often, then you do that. If this makes him mad, he needs to learn to see it from your point of view or else the marriage probably won't work out. I think you need to sit the two of them down face to face and have a talk with both of them. Explain to B that M is just a friend to you, and have M explain that he was just drunk and that he would never do anything to jeaprodize you and B's relationship. B needs to learn to accept the fact that you have a male best friend, and needs to know that M is not threatening to steal you away. Basically, B is just feeling threatened and doesn't want to lose you, so it sounds to me like he cares about you a lot. So they both need to talk and move on from that one night that M was drunk. Explain to both of them that it really hurts you that they don't like each other. Since they both care for your well being, they should put their differences aside and deal with each other, if not on a friendly note, at least not on a fighting one either. Goodluck, I hope I helped.
-Jessica 15/f
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