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poetry
this isn't for homework -- just an opinion. what do you guys think this poem is about?, or what do you think about how it is written? any opinions at all would be good. :]
a heart nailed to a tree
fenced in and out of reach
you watched the crucifixion that lasted years
screams against deaf ears
helped surfaced brand new fears:
that your arms would never stretch for enough
that this heart could never be saved
that those shouts may never be heardor that the heart you wanted would change
when the torture was complete
the gate was open and the heart was free
a steady crescendo with each new beat
it lay bloodied under autumn's changing leaves
straining against the loudest sound
of the happy, bright thing you've found
a realization (something great could grow here someday)
a determination (maybe it is always all the same)
that could rip stars straight out of the sky
i have no right to ask this
i know i had my chance to try
but something about all of this
won't let me watch it die
you're happy in a safe placeprobably with greener grass and far less gore
i want to put that old smile on your face
i promise not to let you down anymore this wasted field is your place
the heart is always yours
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Wow,
Did you write that? It is very good.
I would say it's about overcoming hurt, Loosing someone close to you and it hurts so badly that you feel that your pain is beyond help and no matter how much it hurts nobody can feel that pain but you know in time that pain will heel and you will become strong enough to conquer anything and anyone.
I should start writing again, You've inspired me. I've been writing since I was 9 years old and I'm 23 now. I think I'll pick it up again :)
-BahaiMa22
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WOW thats cool and deep it sounds like your trying to break free frome your shell to the love you had at first. But yet some one keeps on pushing you back in know mater how hard you push. It's awesome.
Mr-Fix-It
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I would say it's about someone loosing their lover, at least partly through their own fault, and want them back even though they think it can't (maybe shouldn't) happen.
As for the way it’s written. There is an inconsistent use of grammatical conventions (colons and conjunctions). That is always one of the first things I notice. If a poet doesn't know why they are saying it the WAY they are saying it, they more likely to be confused about other things as well. Breaking the rules of grammar in poetry is a great thing, but it works best when a poet know which rules, why they are choosing to break them, and when they are consistent about doing so.
If there is going to be only ONE colon in the poem, and no other punctuation at all, that colon should pack a hell of a punch.
When a poet use conjunctions like “you’re” and “that’s”, the time they are not used them will seem clunky and formal. That formality of language should be deliberate.
Lots of words that are hurting the imagery rather than helping it and there are a few cliches.
This is a bit more of a personal opinion then an objective one, but I've always believed poetry to be 'the least, best words, in the best order'. There are some words in this poem that are vague, that means they have little meaning. Phrases like ‘something great’ and ‘happy, bright thing’ are very inexact and don’t conjure up much emotion. They TELL us what is happening and what we are supposed to feel, instead of SHOWING or evoking emotion. This is one of the pieces of advice all writers get I suspect: Show us, don’t tell us. Don’t tell us that something great might happen, evoke an image or feeling of a great future possibility.
"greener grass" is a cliche. A really classic one. Those should always be avoided.
I suspect, although I could be wrong, that you wrote this about a personal experience. That is great. Poetry is a fabulous way to process emotions, it’s practically designed for it, but I don’t want to go into a more detailed critique of this poem unless you’d like me too. If you want a line by line critique, and some advice, one writer to another on how you could take the beginnings here and turn it into a more successful and communicative piece of art, drop me an e-mail at my column and I’d be happy to give you my thoughts. There are some really clever images in this poem that could totally be fleshed out, the fenced in heart and the crucifixion connection is very interesting, and the line about ripping stars from the sky is lovely. Those sorts of images and ideas can be punched up and developed, and some of the vague and cliched things can be left on the editing room floor.
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