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One sided friendship
I met this friend when we were 14 (25 now)and we were really really close for a few years, but I felt like she was using me, then we went our separate ways for about 8 or 9 years. Well a few years ago we started hanging out together and everything was fine for a while, but now she never wants to hang out and she never calls unless she wants something. I bend over backwards for this friend, and I don't mind doing things for her, but I just feel like she's using me again. I honestly don't want to be friends with her anymore, but I feel REALLY guilty because we've gone through this before and this woman, she's had a really hard life. She tells me all the time she's never had a friend treat her as good as I do. I don't think she's selfish on purpose, I think she doesn't know any better. I've told her twice before how I feel but she tries to turn it around and make it sound like I'm making her feel uncomfortable or unwanted.
I stood by her side non stop for a week when her son died in a car accident, I quit my job and babysat for her other five year old son for $20/week and when she got pregnant recently I threw her a huge baby shower.. I have literally given this woman the coat off my back and I just feel like she uses me, but I don't want to hurt her. What should I do? I've tried confronting her and nothing changes.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
There is an old saying that I think is very true:
"YOU teach people how to treat you"
I don't see that she is so much as using you- as she is a 'high needs' type person. A lot has happened in her life that you decided to assist her with.
Her son dying is tragic ... of course as a friend you were there for her.
Quitting your job to babysit for her?? You need to remember why you thought that was a good decision at the time. If it was the right thing to do at that time, why are you questioning it now?
The baby shower thing ... another thing you typically do for a best friend.
Is she asking you to do these favors you later resent, or do you volunteer yourself? Do you do these things in anticipation of her appreciation? Is she disappointing you with a lower level of gratitude than you expected.?
Does she refuse to do the same for you in return, or have you ever even asked a favor from her? Perhaps your life is more stable due to circumstance or because you manage your life better. Maybe you are more independent and hesitate to ask for her attention or favors.
Remember, she may not be as good as you are in anticipating what someone needs, so you may need to be more forthcoming in what you expect FROM her. She could also be so wrapped up in her own drama that she doesn't see the needs of others around her. You may simply need to speak up.
If you really do feel used, then this is a one-sided relationship and not healthy. Examine your motives for allowing her to use you. Set some boundaries so you don't feel used later. If she is using you (unintentionally or not) - and you don't allow it - then she will move on and find someone else she can dump her load off on.
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Just tell it like it is and when "she tries to turn it around and make it sound like your making her feel uncomfortable or unwanted" just say stop I see what your doing just stop it. And say I have always treated you like a friend now you need to treat me like one. Hope it works out
Mr-Fix-It
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No more confrontations and no more blame.
It's not her fault she uses you. You are allowing yourself to be used.
Decide what you are willing to give and what you aren't willing to give. Write it down if you want. A list like this might be helpful:
If she calls me and is upset, I will listen for 1 hour, no more.
I will not loan her money.
I am willing to do babysit once a month to assist her.
And so on.
If you don't believe she is deliberately using you AND trying to explain your position has not worked, then the problem isn't her (or at least, it isn't something she can fix. She is simply not intelligent enough to figure it out on her own AND/OR she has no intention of changing).
So the problem is your feelings. You need to take responsibility for those by no longer putting yourself in a position where you feel put-upon. Write your list, and STICK to your list. If you stick to your list and still feel like you are being used, update the list! If you do this, gently and firmly telling her that “No. I’m sorry, I can’t do that/I’m not comfortable doing that anymore.” Offer no explanations and don’t’ give into her guilt. Simply stick to the list.
If, in addition to sticking to the list, you still want to invite her out, go ahead.
Stop trying to fix her. You’ve known her long enough to realize that isn’t going to happen. Fix your response to her actions, and seek your own happiness first.
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