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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
whenever im with my gf we always makeout and stuff, but we never go any further. I know shes had sex with one guy and done alot of other stuff with other guys but weve never done anything and its not like we just starting going out. Its not that im asking her to hav sex, but she wont even give me a bj or hj. what can i say or do to get her to 'go further' without saying like can u give me a blowjob?
The Answer
You can't 'get' her to go further.
You have to ask her what she her comfort level with sexual activity is. You have to listen to what she tells you when she tells you what she thinks and how she feels about doing anything more physically intimate then you already are.
I know, I know, we all want this shit to 'just happen' but that isn't the way it works between mature, consenting adults. In a mature and healthy relationship, you talk things through first.
If you can't be mature enough, and respectful enough to have a serious talk with a girl about what you both want, and your values and views on sex, then frankly, no girl should be doing anything sexual with you until you can.
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The Question
I sort of like someone but hes like a lot older then me and a professor at my college but Im not taking his class anymore. I know hes itnerested in me but I dont talk to him anymore.
I live with my parents and I know they would get mad. Also Im a virgin and I definitely do not want to have sex with him but if we did have a relationship or flirted or anything I think he would expect sex.
Do you think its possible for him and I to flirt through emails without him ever expecting anything from me and without anyone finding out and maybe in a year when I move out we can officially date? Or do you think he would be too impatient or tell my parents or want something more?
PS I am 18/f.
The Answer
You are getting so far ahead of yourself, with assumptions and wishful thinking, you might as well be howling at the moon for all the good this is going to do you.
If you want to stay in touch with him, do so. Be friendly, not flirty.
If you flirt with him, understand that EVERYONE, all human beings, when they realize they are being flirted with EXPECT something. The one way you can even try to make sure someone has the right expectations is to be upfront and honest with them. Even then, they still might not get it.
So it would take a you being very honest with him about your desires and hopes. It doesn't sound like you are willing to have that conversation.
And as far as your assumptions about him and what he would want:
YES, I think a mature, adult man would probably know what he wanted from his relationships, and not be willing to devote a good deal of energy into a relationship with a very young lady who would *maybe* be able to give him that, in a year or so.
An adult male who would accept such a situation, would neither be very mature, or very sensible.
You know this isn't a great idea hun, the only thing to do now is to learn how to let go of the crush.
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The Question
me and boyfriend after being together a year and a month have decided to "break up".
i am moving out of his place and back into my house with my family.
we have had malicious fights and now we are doing this to
"save our realtionship". does that sound ethical?
i mean we both still love eahcother and will hang out--i will give him rides to school (we have class togther) and work (we still work together lol) and yeah.
we just needed to be ourselves again and not like an old mean fighting married couple that we turned into.
he also has alot he needs to work on like his anger problems and self control- one big reason we broke up....
but the term "broke up" is complicated-he said he wont be dating anyone else-iam the one he loves.
i dont really want to see anyone else either-and when i asked him what our status was he said he didnt want us to be "single"
i agreed
i asked him what we are going to tell people when they ask us if we have a boy/girlfriend and he said "we will say i have a signifigant other who is very signifigant!"
he says we are saving our relationship before it got out of control and ruined and i think so too...
i just needed to vent. its hard.
any thoughts or experiences of your own? lemme know
i'd love to hear it
The Answer
Frankly, if you aren't single, then you aren't really broken up.
All it sounds like happened, is you decided not to live togeather.
I honestly believe if you don't get some help, you are going to end up actually and truly broken up... because don't you want a a long-term relationship where you can co-habitate without hurting eachother?
Get some relationship counseling, some guidance from a proffesional. And admit the simple damn truth: If you are both still planning on being loyal to the other, rommantically and sexually, then you aren't broken up, you are just re-thinking your living arrangements.
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The Question
16/f
so i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. he's 19 about to be 20 and turning 17 in december...well i can't decide if i want to be with him anymore. he's my first love but it feels like the flame is slowing dying and there's nothing i can do about it. plus he's going into the navy soon and i don't know if i'll be able to handle that. and i'm starting to develope feelings for another guy. and this guy flirts with me all the time. i just feel like i'm only with my boyfriend to make him happy and not myself. he wants to get married right after i graduate from high school but i want to go to college and have a steady job before i think about getting married. i love him i really do i just don't want to regret not seeing if there is anyone else out there for me. i will never regret being with him. it seems like we are always fighting and i think a relationship should be effortless and it's not. i just don't know what to do anymore...
The Answer
You think a relationship should be effortless?
You better get over that before you get married. Think of the rest of your relationships in life: In most cases, the more intimate the relationship is, friend, best friend, sibling, parent, the more effort it takes to keep it happy and healthy.
No one can make this decision for you, it really is up to you. Either you'll break up with him, or you wont, but in the mean time, remember that everything worth having in this world, is worth working for.
Relationships shouldn't be a chore, but they most definately take effort.
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The Question
One of my friends is planning to visit the city I live in for about a week. She asked if I would be around when she visits, and now I am worried that she might ask to stay at my place the entire time. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care, but I have a roommate, and our place is small- in other words, her staying the entire 6 days would be inconvenient to us both.
If she asks to stay with me the entire time, how can I tell her (without sounding rude or obvious) that I can only have her stay a few days, and not the entire time? Would it be better to make something up?
The Answer
Nopes. Just tell her the truth straight up.
She is welcome to stay for a few nights, but that a week is too long for you and your roommate to comfortably have a guest in your small appartment.
In cases like this, lies get you in trouble. Tell her truth: You want very much to see her, but aren't able to put her up for her whole stay. It's prefectly reasonable and polite. What would be rude for her to attempt to invite herself over in any way...
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The Question
Okay so I'm to the point where I just wanna go crazy because I'm SO SICK of people mainly very catty girls hating on other girls just because of how they look. Like I'm a pretty girl and I know it and everyone's all like oh Lexie your so pretty blah blah guys dig you like 24/7 and blah blah all this other crap. I'm like aw you guys are sweet thanks! So I liked this guy and I still do like him and what not but it didn't work out because everyone was like "Dude don't go out with her she seems like a slut" "Dude bang her and then drop off a 100 bucks at the end table when your finished" and you know comments LIKE THAT just piss me off! I'm such a nice person WHO by the way is the least shadiest person at my school seriously. I get called SLUT and all of these other horrible names by girls, guys never take me seriously (like they just think I like to **** and them dump them) which IS NOT TRUE. I've only been in about 3 relationships and I'm 17 ha. So my question is why DO YOU THINK pretty girls ALWAYS get judged before the person judging them gets to know them at least?
The Answer
Sure they get judged. So do fat girls, sporty girls, artsy girls, and smart girls.
You have to learn to let it go.
Almost everyone you meet is going to judge you based on your appearance and your behavoir. Those things are the first two clues we have about who a person is. So we judge based on them. Accept it. Move on.
Sometimes it'll be really inappropriate. It absolutely sounds like some of what has been said of you is really mean and nasty. That's not cool. Don't be friends with those people, and let them straight up that they what they say is cruel and untrue, but also, don't let it get to you.
I have to be completely honest with you, if LOTS of people go around and call you a slut, maybe you should take a deep breath and ask yourself what about the way you present yourself reads slutty. I highly doubt it's JUST cause your pretty. There is probably some behavior in that people pick up on as well. It might be as simple as people feeling you many sexual jokes, or it might be that people feel you flirt inappropriately. See how I said it's not what you do? It's what people 'feel' you are doing? Be REALLY honest with yourself: If you don't like this, what steps could you take to make it better?
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The Question
Hello. My names Jessica. I was wondering if you could help me or give me information on finding someone who could. I don't really know how to go about finding information out. Okay. Well, When I was about eleven my parents starting having problems. There was never physical abuse. Never really verbal abuse either. They just weren't meant to live together. My grandmother never liked my father. She thought my mother could do better. She convinced everyone that he wasn't a good father. That he did drugs all the time. That he treated us wrong. That he never wanted to try and take care of us. But that just isn't true. No one is perfect. If he's guilty of anything it's being with the wrong woman and having one to many beers accasionaly. But he was never ever violent towards me, my brother, my sister, or our mother. I remember what living with them was like. My grandmother took them to court for custody of us. As you can probably tell, she won. But, I'm fifteen now. I think I should be allowed to live with my father if I want to. My grandmother moved us to Texas (we did live in tennessee thats where all the court and custody trials went on) away from all of my family and friends. I have family that I keep in touch with, because my grandmother says I'm not allowed to have any contact with my father, my family keeps me informed on how he is doing. They recently told me that he's getting a three bedroom house, he has a good job, he lives in South Carolina now, and he loves and misses me very much. Now, I am not and have never been abused by anyone. I just really think it was wrong for my father to lose me because he couldn't afford a fancy lawyer like my grandmother. Also, they had no proof of anything my grandmother accused him of. No one even asked me what really happened there. Not even my grandmother. I just want to know if there's anyway I can get back to my father? I haven't seen him or talked to him for years. I miss him so much. It isn't right to keep me away from him. Do you have any advice? Do you know where I could get help? Please I've been trying for almost a year now, if you can tell me anything at all please do.
Thank you so much
Jessica Carver
The Answer
Honestly, at fifteen years old, you have no right to determine where you live, not legally. A court might ask your opinion, but when it comes right down to it, the decision is out of your hands.
Your grandmother may not have been truthful, but also remember that you were eleven when most of this happened, you couldn't possibly know all the details of what went on, and the courts, for better or worse, decided you were better off where you are. You might disagree, they might have made a mistake, but they still made a choice, and they made that choice with your best interests in mind.
HOWEVER, you certainly have the right to speak to your father, and he has the right to speak to you, unless for some reason that right has been revoked by the courts. It does sound like, from your question, that didn't happen.
If I were you, I would peacefully and maturely abandon the idea of living with my Dad. That doesn't seem very reasonable at this point. Put that waaaaaay on the back burner, and fight the battle you should absolutely win, legally and ethically: The battle to have some contact with him.
Express to your grandmother very firmly your desire to have contact with him. Let her know that you WILL exercise your right to speak to him, unless there is some legal decision saying you can't.
Also, let your other family members, the ones who have been keeping you updated, that you want to have contact with him. Be very clear and direct about this with anyone who asks: Yes, I want to speak to my father.
Hopefully the message will get back to him, since it might be easier for him to make contact with you, then you with him.
You might also try contacting the American Coalition for Fathers and Children,
http://www.acfc.org
or their affiliate in your state: http://www.fathers4kids.com
and see if that can connect you with some information to help you express yourself clearly to your grandmother about what is legal, and what is fair.
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The Question
sooooo ok my boyfriend was eating me out and it feels good when he puts his tounge like in the hole and stuff haha but he was suckin on my clit n it made me like twitch at 1st n i couldnt stand it so i told him to stop then later he was doing it again and told me to hold out and if i did i would orgasm so i held out for 15 minutes and had to hold onto the bedposts it felt so weird and not so much in a good way. and i never orgasmed? but the next day my clit hurt so bad when he would touch it and it was red and swollen? is that normal?????
The Answer
Well yes, being hurt and swollen because somebody hurt you and rubbed a delicate part of your body until it swelled up is pretty much normal!
Next time don't give in to your boyfriends pressure. You know what feels good for you. Just because an approach worked with some other girl doesn't mean it will work for you.
Tell him firmly, next time he wants to give you pleasure, he needs to do more listening, and less talking. And even more importantly, stand up for yourself on what works and what doesn't.
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The Question
it was my 2nd time having sex with my boyfriend and the first time he was on top and it was a quick one so i didnt really know what was going on ahah i just kinda sat there. but this time i was on top and then it felt like it was in my stomach and it really hurt so i tried to go for a while but then i just had to stop so i got off and lay next to him and he was like are you ok? n i was like yea. n he was like welllll ummm im not fininshed yet. so i was like fine get on top then. and he tried but he couldnt get his dick back in so we just didnt do anything. is he mad at me for that haha?? im not a guy so i dont know how he would feel
The Answer
He might be.
You ought to talk about it.
If he mad, he needs to be gently told that sometimes, he's going to have to suck it up, especially while you are still learning about one another’s bodies... For some reason some men have it their heads that they ALWAYS deserve to orgasm every time things get even a bit hot and heavy. Much of our culture and media supports this sort of idea, that women ‘owe it’ to guys to make sure they get off every time or sexual activities have no point. There are all sorts of derogatory words for a woman who don’t conform with that… but most women don't suffer under the delusion that they are going to have an orgasm every time they engage in sexual activities, and although it might be a very nice goal to keep in mind for both sexes, men should be gently told to give on this idea that they always get to get off. Life don’t work that way. Our bodies don’t work that way. For time to time, cuddling is a very good conclusion, all by itself.
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The Question
I go to college about 20 minutes from where I live, so I figured, what's the point in paying the extra whatever thousands of dollars if I could just hop on a bus and ride down there for 2 bucks? It just seemed the easiest and cheapest thing to do.
Well I had no problem meeting people right off the bat, I met alot of peope in all of my classes that I can talk to and it made me really happy cause I was worried it was going to be really difficult. Well now it's been about a month and the whole big group of us that talks is starting to go out to places with eachother and hang out and everything.. and I never get invited. I get the occasional invites sometimes, but it's always when I have to work, so I sadly decline, but it still makes me happy though that they'd ask. But sometimes they haven't been inviting me and then they'll tell me about what they all did and then sometimes they'll be like "you should've come!" and I just want to grab them and shake them and be like "I WOULD'VE IF YOU HAD INVITED ME." Cause ironically, the days I DON'T work and CAN go out are usually the days where they don't invite me anywhere or anything. Like yesterday, I didn't have to work at all, so I could've hung out with everyone and we were sitting there in class and this one girl mentioned going to a resturant and pointed to each person and was like,"___ you wanna go? ___, you wanna go?" and didn't point to me. After class, I left in a hurry and didn't wait for everyone like I normally would because I was a little upset. Nobody texted me or anything asking where I went ( not that I really expected them too, but it was a litte out of character for me not to wait, unless I explain to them that I'm in a hurry to catch my bus or something ).
Like, I know I commmute and don't have the closest friendship they all have because they all live in the same building together or one that's like, 5 minutes away. But one of the other girls commutes to and they always ask her to hang out all the time. I don't think it's me not being social enough cause I think I'm pretty outgoing, I've even tried making plans with everyone this saturday, and juts nobody's even mentioned it and I suggested something for Monday but nobody said anything about that either.
It's just bumming me out cause I feel like I'm just someone there to talk to for whenever they have nobody else in class or anything. Like I had class with one of the girls I talk to and we were able to get out of class early and she was just kind of like,"...you can come back to my apartment and hang.. if you want.." it seemed more of a like "oh i know you don't have anywhere else to go for an hour so i'll let you sit at my place." then a like "wanna hang out at my place! :)" kind of deal.
The Answer
This is the magic phrase you need to learn.
"Hey 'Insert name of person who sometimes invites you', I'm not working on Tuesday? Has anyone got any plans ‘cause I’d like to go out?"
Now that groups are starting to form, don't be a leader, be a follower. Find a person who the group has deemed a leader, and let them know you're free.
It's not their fault they can't read your mind and magically know your schedule ;)
If you are otherwise positive and well-liked then you are just having bad luck is all, and people are making assumptions about your availability. The only solution is to let the right people know when you are free.
Oh, and next time someone offers something, even if you think it’s sort of pity, take them up on it. You never know. Twenty minutes later they might decide they really like hanging out with you, or you might hear about other things going on later.
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The Question
My boyfriend and i have been going out for a year now, but he always and rarely says the right things. You know, i'm 17 and hes 18 and you know how girls like to hear cute stuff. He has never really said cute things except "Laura i never knew i could love a girl as much as i love you
The Answer
My suggestion: Stop being a bully about it.
I'm really serious. I completely understand where you are coming from and why this bothers you, but you are going about it the wrong way. You are doing this the mean way. It's like hitting the puppy when he wont 'sit'. It works better if you give the puppy a treat for sitting nicely.
You are demanding he change without really supporting and teaching him about the change you want. You can't just say 'elaborate', and you can't make this all his problem to solve or have him do all the work.
Whatever you really want change in you relationship you MUST be prepared to be the person doing most of the work, at least at the beginning.
You need to be an active participant in the solution. If you keep sitting back and demanding that he fix it, you'll piss him off, and he'll be right to be pissed off. (The puppy would get ticked off too if you kept hitting it for not understanding what 'sit' meant.)
There is a lot more to teaching and learning new behavior then just demanding it.
First: You need to have an honest, non-judgmental talk about the use of text messages. Too many couples fall into fighting about 'not responding'. It's a silly fight that happens because people think about texts in different ways. For example, I don't have 'conversations' on text message. They take damn too long and I work during the day. I view texts as e-mails, I get back to them when I can. This has upset some of my partners, but we've been able to talk it out and I've been able to explain that I am not trying to be rude: I have a job and lifestyle where texting conversations are not possible., except sometimes in the evenings.
You and your boyfriend need to have a similar conversation about where texts fit into your life, and what is the appropriate way to end a text conversation, or to say that you aren't able to carry one on right now. This will save you from being hurt, and him from feeling pressured to answer when he's busy.
Now, as for the compliments.
What you are, in effect asking for, is a great degree of verbal affection and courtesy. Which is totally fair. Here is the way I'd suggest you go about doing it.
Take a deep breath, and have a calm, loving talk with your boyfriend that goes like this:
“I know we are crazy about each other and I'm really happy with our relationship, but I know that I really value spoken affection and courtesy and we aren't very good at that, so what I was hoping we both could do is work on TELLING each other the positive things we like about each other. Next time I see you I'm going to have thought of three things that I really like about you, and I'm hoping you can think of three things you really like about me. You can even write them down.”
See how that communicates that you are the one who has the problem (not blaming him) and that you want to work on the solution (because it's important to you, and because you think he's awesome) and how you would really value his help so that you could be happier (and make the relationship stronger for both of you). Finally, it's not putting him on the spot, where he feels pressured and you get upset if he 'fails'. It gives him every chance to succeed, rather then stressing him out right in the moment, and setting him up for failure.
It's a very different way of going about it then telling him to change. And yes, it means you doing the work first! It will mean that for a while.
When you are actually together, there is a very simple thing you can do to improve the courtesy between the two of you, and that is mind your ps and qs. We often drop please and thank you with people we are really close too, but we shouldn't. It's part of speaking with affection to one another. A simple “Thank you so much for coming over. I'm so glad you are here.” can go a damn long way. And when people hear please and thank you, they are more likely to say it back. It's a small thing, but if you don't do it know, it could be a big shift in your relationship to start.
Finally, give him what it is you want to receive.
Don't just leave it at your homework of three things, if something positive jumps into your head, tell him what it is. If you think that shirt looks really good on him, say so. If he is telling you a story and something he did impressed you, say so. After a day or two of this, point out to him gently that those are the sort of 'feel-good' things you would want said too you, because they are true and special when they come from someone who cares about you.
The most important thing though is this:
When he tries to compliment you, even if it doesn't quite work, praise him to high heavens. Just like when a puppy is first learning to sit, you might give them a treat for getting their butt close to the ground, and then get pickier as they figure it out. For the first little while, pay very close attention to your boyfriend's first bumbling attempts to compliment you, and really let him know how much you appreciate it (even if he's not very good at it yet.)
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The Question
During the Holocaust the Nazis took lots and lots of Jews into the death camps. I read about the Jews lining up to be burned to death or gassed to death. From the stories, it sounds like they didn't really fight the lines and just followed what the Nazis instructed. I'm just curious about the reasoning, really. I mean, I figure there were lots more Jews at these camps than there were Nazis. Why didn't the Jews fight back and do the things that we typically think to do in situations involving life/death?
No, I'm not attacking Jews, I'm just curious about the Holocaust, that's all! :) No offense!!!
The Answer
In the begining, most Jews were told they were being 'resettled' in the east. That places were prepared for them, slums likely, but you have to remember, this didn't happen overnight. It began long before they even started to 'relocate' the populations they did not like, with laws about where you could live, what job you could have, and where you could shop and where your children were allowed to play. Liberty was chipped away at over years, and when someone finally knocked on thier door and said ‘Come with me.’ it only seemed like the natural next step to many people.
The Jews, and groups like them, were already beaten down very low before they were told to get onto trains. Some of them were probably even hopeful that being removed from their old communities, and being just with one another, might improve their lives and decrease the amount of bigotry they faced.
When it got the point that people were being immediately gassed off the trains, they were often told it was just a shower, for sanitary purposes. Then the filled the room with gas.
After someone had been at a work camp for a few months, they didn’t have enough strength to fight anyways.
And then of course, there is the simplest reason of all: The soldiers had guns, and they didn’t. The people who disturbed those line ups, died immediately. Those who didn’t, clung to hope a little longer.
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The Question
hey everyone, this is a weird yet stupid question. I really wanna be able to stay in a hospital room for like a week or two. But i dont know what to do to make me end up there for a health reason thats not painful... any ideas
The Answer
A few quick things:
Medical fraud is a crime, a misdemoner in most places. In addtion to hospital bills, you can be fined if people find out you knowingly misled a doctor.
Very few things keep you in a hospital room for that long. A kidney stone is rarely more then four days, a broken bone is hardly even over night. The most common procedures are not more then a few days. Two weeks is very uncommon unless you are dealing with a serious, long-term sort of illness. Even most public mental health facilities wont keep you that long unless you are seriously deranged, there are just not enough beds for people who REALLY need treatment (Plus, there is the money problem, depending on where you live.)
The best thing to do is to talk to a clinic or a family doctor about the truth of what is going on. There might be other resources available to you to handle your actual problem.
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The Question
My 18yr old daughter married a 20 yr old loser. How can i get her to open her eyes and see that he is a cheater, alcoholic, lier, controller, low life?
The Answer
Love her.
Praise her strength, her intelligence. Express faith in her ability to reason and to do what is best for herself, even if you don't see her doing that right this second.
Critizing her husband is the same as critizing her personally, and she can't take it. She'll probably reject you for it, and its useless. What she needs is not to beaten down, she needs to be loved and built up, so she has the strength to expect and demand people treat her properly, and the courage to chase her dreams and the life she wants.
She doesn't need her mother telling her what to do, she needs her mother to listen and tell her that she believes in her, even if things are tough and dissapointing right now.
It's of course okay to be honest about your opinion about her husband, but the most important, and central message you need to have is your opinion about her: that she is awesome, powerful and worthy of great things. That love and faith is the thing that will give her the strength and certainty to tackle any problem in life, including a bad marriage.
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The Question
Okay so this is a typical situation I think, but one thats killing me
I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years.
We have had a bad bad time for most of it, and admittedly he treats me very bad, I have everyone telling me he treats me really bad, and even I know it, but its like I am stuck to him, I couldnt imagine life without him, seeing him with someone else would break my heart, and hes like my rock.
I have known someone called Fraser for 5 years, and we never used to talk, but I got very close to his Mum, and she was very much like my second Mum. He works in New Zealand, so spends most of his time there, but when he came home, and I met him for the first time ever since about 3 years, we got on like a house on fire, and turns out, he admitted having feelings for me, and I also too have feelings for him. And they are not small feelings, I feel really strongly for him, I am going to miss him more than words can describe next week, as he is due to fly to NZ again for 3 months. We have discussed it but he wants to get together when he gets back if we both feel the same, I know I will, and he said he is pretty sure he will. But the thing is, I will never leave my current boyfriend, I have told him this but he said he is hoping if I care about him enough, I will see how badly my current boyfriend treats me and I will leave him, but I know I wont :( , I just know it. I have tried splitting with him before and I find it basically impossible. I am not sure what to do now because I have so many feelings for Fraser, but I also don't want to jeapordise our friendship, or make things awkward if I want to go over and see his Mum and he is there, I am hoping, if me and Ben do ever split up that Fraser will be single and maybe we could give it a go, what would you do? What have you done if you have been in this situation? I am so lost, I just keep crying, not understanding whats best :(
The Answer
You seem to have a whole bunch of hopes and no actually plan for happiness.
It can't be fun to be so damn hopeful and so damn miserable at the same time.
You are in a relationship that you know is crap.
You can’t find a way to end it.
You still can’t find a way to end it when someone better practically falls into your lap!
What can anyone possibly tell you?
There is nothing to do. (The only thing to do, is dump the asshole, and you already ruled that out.)
It doesn’t matter what anyone else did or would do, there is nothing for you to at all until you decide to climb out of this perfect trap you've set for yourself, and instead of all this HOPE try and reach for some actual HAPPINESS.
There is nothing to do. Nothing at all to do, or think (there isn't even much reason to hope) until you find a way to end a relationship you know can never make you happy.
Sitting around and hoping the misery will magically go away, and happiness might magically still be available, is a horrible plan. You’d probably feel better if you made a better one.
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The Question
hi ! i would like for you to help me with what may seem to some, a little silly.. well i have been seeing someone for almost 4 mo. now.. he is the most kind and loving man i have ever met and i know he loves me, my problem is that when i ask him how he felt about my 16 year old son he said " i think the world of him would do any thing for him , but i dont know him enough to love him.." i dont know if im right for feeling kinda hurt ??? should he have told me he did even tho he dosnt, ??? shouldnt he love him JUST because he's my son ?? or am i just being silly ?? my son and i have been alone for many years since my divorce.im an overly protective mom !! p.s. my boy friend has no children of his own.. hes 50 im 45 .. thanks !!
The Answer
It's only been 4 months.
You are being a bit silly expecting a man, who never had children, to love your son after only dating you for several months. It's understandable that you might be a bit annoyed by him not (because every mom thinks her son is completely lovable) but the truth is that at only 4 months it’s not emotionally responsible to be talking about love and ‘being a family’. That’s a ridiculous expectation to have of this old bachelor. He has no experience with that sort of love in his life and his relationship with your son doesn’t have strong enough roots to support that degree of affection and feeling!
If I were you, and I had a man, who after only 4 months of dating, thought the world of my son and would step up to help and assist my child, I’d be glowing with pride and joy! What a wonderful beginning! What great potential! I’d be proud of my son and my partner for making such a good start and laying a valuable foundation for a relationship between them.
Be grateful and respectful of what you have, and let things develop at a sensible pace. We all know, by watching the people around us, that you can’t turn someone into a parent overnight. Even the best of men take some time to warm up to the idea and to learn. Don’t push and demand someone love someone else “just ‘cause”, that reasoning has NEVER worked. If the man is good, let him be good, take pleasure in his honesty and goodness, and let him pursue those things that his own pace.
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The Question
Hello.
My friends birthday is coming up and instead of money this year I would like to get her a gift. I found this zebra shirt online that I thought would be nice to get her but they don't ship to Canada.
So, I was wondering if anyone knew where I could get a zebra shirt online or in real life? Keep in mind that if it's online it has to ship to Canada.
Also, not a zebra print, like an actual zebra.
For example, this is the one I had originally picked out:
http://www.forever21.com/heritage1981/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=81tees&product_id=2065066965&showBACK=OK
THANKS :).
The Answer
To order from Forever21 in Canada, you have to shop on thier Canadian site:
http://canada.forever21.com
I didn't see the zebra shirt there, but they have lots of other cute shirts.
Forever21 also has some stores in Canada, in Vancouver and Toronto I think, so you could call them up if you live nearby, have them order it in for you.
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The Question
is the world really supposed to end in 2012?
like I keep hearing all these stories about it.
and it's starting to freak me out!
I see ads about it EVERYWHERE..
and I hear atleast one person talking about it everyday.
does anyone really know when the world is going to end? or is it just a bunch of crap?
it's just really starting to scare me.
I don't wanna know when i'm going to die.
and for it to be this soon freaks me out because i'm still really young i haven't done alot in life yet. and if scientists know so much about it isn't there things they can do to prevent it?
please someone helppp!
:(
The Answer
Relax. It's all Bullshit.
And the ads, they are promoting a fictional, disaster movie called 2012. (Even bigger Bullshit I suspect.)
The world is probably not going to end in 2012, and even if it does, that doesn't make the people who said it would right, it makes for an amazingly lucky guess.
If someone tells you the Mayans predicited the end of the world: They Didn't.
The Mayan's never said the world was going to end in 2012. They divided their calendar, which accounted for thousands of years of passing time, into epochs, based on the movement of Venus through the sky. In 2012, we enter a new epoch in the Mayan calendar, call the Fifth Sun or Fifth World, which is similar symbolically to say a new millennium or centaury in our calendar.
Some people say it's in the Bible.
It's not.
The idea that 2012 is a Christian idea comes mostly from the 1997 book called The Bible Code by Michael Drosnin that says a comet will collide with earth by 'decoding' secret messages in the bible... There is no sense at all to this 'code' using Drosnin's method for finding 'codes' in the bible you could get the same sort of predictions off the front page of the New York Times. (Drosnin also believed those codes were put there by Aliens, not God and also predicted nuclear war in 2006...)
Pole Shift or Sun Spot theories, are also complete nonsense.
The winter solstice is the day of the year were we have the fewest hours of day light and the longest night. It has absolutely nothing to do with the bogus "End of the World in 2012" beliefs, people just throw it in trying to make their silly stories sounds more creditable by mentioning something that DOES actually happen each year.
And Finally! The ONE thing, that will happen on about Dec 12, 2012:
There WILL be a cool alignment around that time with Venus and the center of our milky way galaxy. Earth, Venus and The Sun will all be in line with the centre of the galaxy... But that is just a neat phenomenon, like looking straight down into a whirlpool, but will have no effect on anything, not gravity or our magnetic polls or anything. It's just a matter of perspective and it's kinda cool. That's all.
This is a fun read for you to help put these end of the world stories into perspective:
30 End of the World Predictions that Didn't Come True:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article4717864.ece
Edit: What on God's Green Earth does change in the genetic material of a population of organisms from one generation to the next have do with the end of the world in 2012! Sesh. Seriously? Where do people come up with craziness?
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The Question
Trolls are older guys who pretend to be young girls and guys - or guys who just bring up sex topics just to get off. You can tell by the way they write that they are not 13f for example. And, some of the questions are ridiculous and just want to get people to talk to them about sex. It is clear the trolls/perverts are here. How can we flag the trolls without answering their questions and giving them control over our answer?
The Answer
Use the 'Report Abuse' link on the left, under Miscellaneous if you see something that you find concerning.
There is no way to make any system 100% free of abuse. The closest we can get is to report anything that looks off, so the moderators can dig deeper and remove the content that needs to be removed. In my experience, they are pretty quick to respond once something is reported.
Use the 'Report Abuse' link on the left, under Miscellaneous if you see something that you find concerning.
There is no way to make any system 100% free of abuse. The closest we can get is to report anything that looks off, so the moderators can dig deeper and remove the content that needs to be removed. In my experience, they are pretty quick to respond once something is reported.
jilliane - If you feel strongly about the way the moderation is being handled on Advicenators you would probably be better served by dropping DangerNerd a question or an e-mail, then by posting it to the pool. He owns and operates the site.
Specific examples of questions you feel should not have been posted would probably be the most helpful as well. I can think of some questions over the past few days that might have raised the alarm in your mind, however, I am generally quite pleased with the level of moderation on this site. I work with teenagers every day and they are not children. They are engaged in sexually explicit dialogue and activities, as unbelievable as it sometimes is! I believe that the best approach not to censor, but to take very them very seriously when they ask questions (even if they don't ask them in serious ways).
My understanding is, that when there is unclear if a question is trolling, or is genuine, the moderators error on the side of assuming that it is genuine, and that despite the immaturity or vulgarity of language, that there is a person who is need of real help.
I think this is an important important assumption to make, on a site for teens (not children, since users who identify, or are identified as being under 13 are removed immediately regardless of the nature of their question) to assume our users are in need of help unless, or until, it becomes clear that they are not and allow that help to happen as best as we can.
Again, nothing can really be decided expect on a case-by-case basis, so file an abuse report if there is a particular question, or user, that is worrying you, and I would take any more indepth questions about moderation to DangerNerd.
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The Question
i'm a 19 year old girl in a huge tug of war emotionally. my boyfriend and i are either going to stay together or break up over this. i have been in a relationship for 2 years and during this time i lost a friend over a petty lie. he lied to me about something stupid and now my boyfriend completely distrusts him although i now realize it was a petty lie that i no longer care about and i want to be friends with him again. i have known my friend for 15 years! however, my boyfriend says he cannot allow me to be friends with him again and pretty much said its me or him. should i pick the person that love with all every inch of my heart, or my friend who i've known for 15 years?
The Answer
This isn't a decision about two boys.
The choice is this:
Do you trust your own instincts and make your own choices like the confident adult young woman you are.
OR, do you let your boyfriend make decisions for you, because you love him and his opinions matter more than your own and he doesn't feel you are intelligent enough to select your own friends,
Maintain the friendship.
Tell your boyfriend, in very plain terms, that if he leaves you over this, that is his choice, and it's a disrespectful one. A relationship where you can't choose your own friends is not a relationship: It's a mild form of slavery.
If he does leave you because you stood up for what you believed in, and made your own choice about your own friends, then he doesn't respect you enough to be with you.
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