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my grandmother adopted me wrongly i want to live with my dad now can i?
Hello. My names Jessica. I was wondering if you could help me or give me information on finding someone who could. I don't really know how to go about finding information out. Okay. Well, When I was about eleven my parents starting having problems. There was never physical abuse. Never really verbal abuse either. They just weren't meant to live together. My grandmother never liked my father. She thought my mother could do better. She convinced everyone that he wasn't a good father. That he did drugs all the time. That he treated us wrong. That he never wanted to try and take care of us. But that just isn't true. No one is perfect. If he's guilty of anything it's being with the wrong woman and having one to many beers accasionaly. But he was never ever violent towards me, my brother, my sister, or our mother. I remember what living with them was like. My grandmother took them to court for custody of us. As you can probably tell, she won. But, I'm fifteen now. I think I should be allowed to live with my father if I want to. My grandmother moved us to Texas (we did live in tennessee thats where all the court and custody trials went on) away from all of my family and friends. I have family that I keep in touch with, because my grandmother says I'm not allowed to have any contact with my father, my family keeps me informed on how he is doing. They recently told me that he's getting a three bedroom house, he has a good job, he lives in South Carolina now, and he loves and misses me very much. Now, I am not and have never been abused by anyone. I just really think it was wrong for my father to lose me because he couldn't afford a fancy lawyer like my grandmother. Also, they had no proof of anything my grandmother accused him of. No one even asked me what really happened there. Not even my grandmother. I just want to know if there's anyway I can get back to my father? I haven't seen him or talked to him for years. I miss him so much. It isn't right to keep me away from him. Do you have any advice? Do you know where I could get help? Please I've been trying for almost a year now, if you can tell me anything at all please do.
Thank you so much
Jessica Carver
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Dear Jessica,
I agree with the first advisor, but I also want to add something. Don't fight or act out with your grandmother just so you can have contact with your dad. Currently she holds all the cards. If she thinks she may loose you to him, she will fight all the harder and she has the power. You don't and neither does your dad. If you dad had the time and money to take her back to court, it would mean a whole of trouble for both families. He would have to accuse her of not taking good care of you, there would be an investigation, etc, etc. And then, it may all backfire and the court will decide in her favor anyway. Best to be patient and wait it out.First find out if you dad wants to contact you. I mean if you can go on the computer and leave questions on advicenator, then you should be able to email your dad. Then see how that goes. You might find that he is happy to finally have contact with you again, but that he is not ready to have you live with him. Tell her yes, you want contact with your dad, you have that right, but assure her that you are NOT going to give up the life you have with her. If she thinks you are going to do something stupid like run away, she will really restrict all of your freedom and contact with him. This is just to get her to loosen up and let you have contact. And if I were you....because you REALLY DON'T know where he is at right now. Spend the next six months staying in touch and sharing. Email, text, and phone contact. For all you know he may have a new wife or girlfriend who doesn't want you around. That could just make things worse. And you'll be the one who is hurt. Where you are now you are safe, and you are going to school, right. DO you have plans for the future, are you headed for college. Don't let the facts of your life as it is now, keep you from having a full life as an adult. YOu need to make plans to get an educatioin and be self sufficient when you are a young adult. THAT, is better than living with anyone. Being able to support yourself and not rely on anyone. But, I am not saying to give up on living with your dad. Just don't be compulsive and rush into anything. YOu could end up being sorry. Take you time to see where his head is today. You don't say that he has invited you to live with him. Living with him may just be a fantasy that you have. But you both have to want it for it to happen. And be prepared, it may not happen until you are a little older. But that is OK.
Remember he is your dad for the rest of your life. If you can't spend a lot of time together now, you can in the future. Also, you may not understand right now why your grandmother worked to get custody of you away from your parents, but some day you'll understand, and maybe you'll thank her for it. You will have all of the freedom that you want when the right time comes. When you are the right age. I know it seems like a REAL long way away. But you'll get there. Just like all the rest of us did. ONe day you'll be an adult, and no one, absolutely no one will be able to tell you what to do. UNLESS, you don't take those steps to become self-sufficient, then if you have to rely on someone for food, clothing and shelter, then yes, that person can tell you what to do. It is better that if you do live with someone in the future, be it your grandmother, mother, or father or even a boyfriend, that it is because you want to be there, not because you'd be on the street with no place else to go. Education and income is power. Work towards that goal. Then stay close to the people in your life who genuinely care about your wellbeing. As you mature, it will be easier to figure out who those people are.
Good luck to you dear.
Michele
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Honestly, at fifteen years old, you have no right to determine where you live, not legally. A court might ask your opinion, but when it comes right down to it, the decision is out of your hands.
Your grandmother may not have been truthful, but also remember that you were eleven when most of this happened, you couldn't possibly know all the details of what went on, and the courts, for better or worse, decided you were better off where you are. You might disagree, they might have made a mistake, but they still made a choice, and they made that choice with your best interests in mind.
HOWEVER, you certainly have the right to speak to your father, and he has the right to speak to you, unless for some reason that right has been revoked by the courts. It does sound like, from your question, that didn't happen.
If I were you, I would peacefully and maturely abandon the idea of living with my Dad. That doesn't seem very reasonable at this point. Put that waaaaaay on the back burner, and fight the battle you should absolutely win, legally and ethically: The battle to have some contact with him.
Express to your grandmother very firmly your desire to have contact with him. Let her know that you WILL exercise your right to speak to him, unless there is some legal decision saying you can't.
Also, let your other family members, the ones who have been keeping you updated, that you want to have contact with him. Be very clear and direct about this with anyone who asks: Yes, I want to speak to my father.
Hopefully the message will get back to him, since it might be easier for him to make contact with you, then you with him.
You might also try contacting the American Coalition for Fathers and Children,
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
or their affiliate in your state: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
and see if that can connect you with some information to help you express yourself clearly to your grandmother about what is legal, and what is fair.
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