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friend or boyfriend?!
i'm a 19 year old girl in a huge tug of war emotionally. my boyfriend and i are either going to stay together or break up over this. i have been in a relationship for 2 years and during this time i lost a friend over a petty lie. he lied to me about something stupid and now my boyfriend completely distrusts him although i now realize it was a petty lie that i no longer care about and i want to be friends with him again. i have known my friend for 15 years! however, my boyfriend says he cannot allow me to be friends with him again and pretty much said its me or him. should i pick the person that love with all every inch of my heart, or my friend who i've known for 15 years?
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My experience in life has been that bf/gf come and go, but true friends remain a constant. The thing that concerns me the most with what you've said is that your bf is basically giving you an ultimatum and he has no right to do that. If you let ANYBODY determine who your friends will or won't be then you are basically giving them power to decide your life for you. I could understand if this friend had lied about something that would have been detremental to your life and relationship, but since it was something small and petty there's no reason you shouldn't forgive and renew your friendship. For your bf to be reacting the way he is seems to me that he may be somewhat of a controlling type. I'd really think about this before you agreed to his demands because it could be your friend today and maybe the next time it will be a family member he trys to get you to get rid of. Be cautious!!
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This isn't a decision about two boys.
The choice is this:
Do you trust your own instincts and make your own choices like the confident adult young woman you are.
OR, do you let your boyfriend make decisions for you, because you love him and his opinions matter more than your own and he doesn't feel you are intelligent enough to select your own friends,
Maintain the friendship.
Tell your boyfriend, in very plain terms, that if he leaves you over this, that is his choice, and it's a disrespectful one. A relationship where you can't choose your own friends is not a relationship: It's a mild form of slavery.
If he does leave you because you stood up for what you believed in, and made your own choice about your own friends, then he doesn't respect you enough to be with you.
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Are you in college? If so, you should not be so seriously committed to one person. If you are out in your life and working, then at your age, serious boyfriends are trials for marriage.
Your boyfriend is behaving jealously; he's afraid if you become friends again, then he has to compete with another man. This is understandable because it's in men's genes to be the head of the pack and to run the competition away. However, we are not primative and men need to trust that the woman can have other friends that do not threaten the relationship....that is if the other man is of no threat.
I don't understand, nor may your boyfriend, what new role this 'old friend' has in your life - are you looking to go out with him...ahem, "as a friend"?
My advice: If your and your old friend's interest to be friends again is purely platonic, then your boyfriend should have no problem with it. You will have friends in workplaces and other settings that are men and your boyfriend can not be allowed to tell you who to be friends with.
Tell your boyfriend that your old friend is of no threat to him or your relationship. Assure your boyfriend that HE is the ONE you care for in that special way and the other boy is just a friend. Explain what that means to him and what the boundaries are. That is what being committed to someone is about. If all you say is true to the core of your soul, and he can not accept that, then it is time to end the relationship - he does not trust you and this will go on forever...with every guy you know.
If however, your boyfriend is correctly picking up that you and your old friend may become more than old friends (is that what you may want?), then you need to decide what you want. If you do have feelings for the old friend that are more than platonic, then you need to decide if you love the boyfriend as much as you should to be monogomous with him.
You are very young and the answer may be that neither man is going to be in your life a long time. However, if you deeply care about saving both relationships, then the boyfriend's feelings are important and the old friend may need to stay an old friend. Women always have "old friends."
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Honestly I dated a guy a while back. who told me he didnt want me to see my mom any more because he didn't trust her. I broke up with him. I know you love your boyfriend but you should make the decison weather you should be able to be friends with your friend or not. it sounds to me as a jealousy problem.
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Hi!
Hmm, that's one tricky situation. Well I don't know. I think maybe your boyfriend is being a bit controlling. He has no right to decide who your friends are. You both have your own lives and they just happen to be crossing paths right now. You should though find out why your boyfriend doesn't want you to be friends with him. Is he worried that you'll hang out with your other friend more? I know this is a tough decision.
What would make you happy? Don't think about their feelings for a minute. What would you like? Since you have been friends with this other guy for 15 years why let such a petty thing ruin your friendship? Did the lie really impact your life that much?
You boyfriend should let you live your life and be friends with who you want to be friends with. I think you should talk it over with him. Talk about how you don't decide who he hangs out with, if you don't tell him who to hang out with. If you do tell him who to hang out with, then that's a whole other problem.
I wish you much luck!
~Sky
f/14
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Find out why your boyfriend doesn't want you to be friends with the other guy. If you forgave him and it wasnt something really really bad then i think your boyfriend is being insecure. Talk to him, ask him for a reason why. If he's not being insecure then i would choose the person i love. Friends don't last forever
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simply say to your boyfriend "If you loved me you would let me stay friends with my BEST friend." Everyone makes mistakes.
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