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Getting my daughter to see the truth
My 18yr old daughter married a 20 yr old loser. How can i get her to open her eyes and see that he is a cheater, alcoholic, lier, controller, low life?
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The short answer, you can't. 18 year olds are stupid. I'm 24, it wasn't that long ago and boy do I remember.
The long answer is, be supportive. Your daughter is an adult now, and your time of control and teaching is over. Its time to let her learn her own lessons. And yes, they will probably be painful. Sorry, but theres nothing you can do about it. And if you try, you will drive her away and further into his arms.
What you should do is keep a door open and contact flowing. Tell her you love her regularly. Ask her how she's doing, and let HER do the talking. If she's upset, ask her to talk to you and hold off on the advice, if she feels like she can come to you to blow off steam and later get advice, she will. But not if you're trying to tell her you know better than her. It doesn't matter that you know better, because there are some lessons everyone has to learn for themselves, and unfortunately most women have to learn how to have standards when it comes to men. Hopefully your daughter is going to learn it sooner rather than later, but the best you can do now is to give her a refuge from him, give her love, and be there to help pick up the pieces when it crashes.
Remember, she doesn't see what you see. She loves the idiot and married him (and for the record, I'm giving you alot of benefit of the doubt here that he's really that worthless). If you had pictures of him cheating, I'd say show them. Suspicions and prejudices aren't going to sway her no matter how accurate they are.
Also, as I repeat ad nauseum, listen to Rahzie.
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Have you ever made a purchase then had one of your friends tell you what a mistake you made? Think about how felt at that time. Like most of us you defended your purchase and how the other person didn’t know what they were talking about.
That is exactly the position your daughter will take if you constantly tell her what a mistake she has made or what a bad choice she has made. She may realize she made a mistake; if so she may not be ready to admit that to you. Until she realizes she has made a mistake in her choice of a husband and is ready to admit that to you; you need to stand back and be ready to pick up the pieces when that time comes.
Until then be supportive of your daughter. Your daughter is an adult now and is going to make her own decisions. The good thing about being the parent of adult children is that we can be there to help minimize the fallout when they do make mistakes and to give advice. Giving an adult child unsolicited advice is just as hard now as it was when they were teenagers; the residence is still strong as they are still trying to make their own way in the world.
I know it is hard to stand back and let your child make mistakes, maybe the same mistakes you yourself have made, but it is something you have to do as long as it is not going to cause then real physical harm. Our jobs know as parents is to help them get back on track when that happens, then step back and let them go about their daily lives. I know I’m the father of a 33 year old Paramedic/Firefighter and while I’m very proud of what he does and the lives he has saved, I am always concerned for his safety.
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Love her.
Praise her strength, her intelligence. Express faith in her ability to reason and to do what is best for herself, even if you don't see her doing that right this second.
Critizing her husband is the same as critizing her personally, and she can't take it. She'll probably reject you for it, and its useless. What she needs is not to beaten down, she needs to be loved and built up, so she has the strength to expect and demand people treat her properly, and the courage to chase her dreams and the life she wants.
She doesn't need her mother telling her what to do, she needs her mother to listen and tell her that she believes in her, even if things are tough and dissapointing right now.
It's of course okay to be honest about your opinion about her husband, but the most important, and central message you need to have is your opinion about her: that she is awesome, powerful and worthy of great things. That love and faith is the thing that will give her the strength and certainty to tackle any problem in life, including a bad marriage.
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