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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I've been with a college guy for almost two months..if you could even call it that. He's been "ignoring" me for a month and he says it's because he's studying for finals. I know this is a complete lie. Well, the first night he talks to me I'm supposed to meet my sugardaddy. I need the money, but whe he was talking to me he said he was "heartbroken" because i sent a guy's nude pic to him. Since i was talking to him again, only for that night, i cancelled on my sgardaddy. Was that a bad choice to make?
The Answer
Having sex in exchange for money is prostitution, and is a bad idea (also, illegal in many places).
Dating someone who ignores your for months at a time (Finals? Less communication makes sense, but none, for a whole month?) is also not cool.
Sending anyone nude photos of yourself (especially if you are underage) is also a pretty bad idea, and possibly illegal.
Honey, you know it as well as anyone here does: You are making a whole host of bad choices right now. Not going out and engaging in sexual acts for money was actually one of your better choices, whatever your reason for not going was.
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The Question
i got my wisdom teeth taken out 5 days ago and i still have sevre swelling and bad pain. anyways my question is would it be really bad if i were to smoke a cigarette in this condition??
The Answer
Yes. It would be really risky and very bad.
The suction is bad and can pop stitches. I have firsthand experience at popping oral stitches by sucking on something, its hell and a half. The bleeding is so difficult to stop. There is no guarantee you will break your stitches this way, but it’s a very real risk, and it’s very scary and unpleasant.
Then of course there is the smoke, and the tar and other icky chemicals, that always irritate your gums and mouth, but not will irritate them while they are already in a vulnerable state and could easily lend themselves to infections.
Don’t smoke. Take this as a blessing and use this time to help yourself quit. You’ll be healthier all around for it, and your gums will be very grateful.
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The Question
whay pray ?
The Answer
Pray if it makes you feel better, if it encourages success and honorable behavior in you.
Pray to help yourself know what it is you are thinking and wishing for.
Pray because you believe someone or something is listening, and because you believe pray will fosters a personal relationship with them/it.
Pray because ritualized forms of expressing human intention are a great way to encourage bounding in a community and empathy with fellow man.
Pray because your faith requires it of you.
Pray when you feel moved to pray.
Why NOT to pray?
Don’t pray if it makes your uncomfortable, or if it turns into a way to simply complain and find fault in yourself and others.
Don’t pray if you don’t believe there is any point to prayer.
Don’t pray if you think nothing, and no one, is paying attention and if that makes it unpleasant to you.
Don’t pray if it is a ritual that is meaningless to you.
Don't pray if you do not feel moved to pray.
As in all things, just be honest about what you believe and what appears to make your life better. If prayer improves your life, do it. If it doesn't, don't. If you think it might in the future, try it then.
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The Question
15/f (sorry, might be long)
My b/f and best friend hate each other!!!
My b/f, Tyson, is extremely corny and sweet. He's a giant goof ball and I love him soo much! He is very good to me and is constantly talking to me (even right now through txt). I can't last a day without him.
My best friend is such a funny guy. We're always laughing when we are together and he makes me feel happy. He's a sweet heart and I can't imagine life without him.
They used to be friends two years ago and stopped hanging out (I don't know why) and this year I started dating Tyson. At first, they were fine and even trying to get along for my sake. Now, all they do when ever I bring another up in conversation is talk about how much they hate each other. It hurts to see my two favorite people fighting each other like this!
I don't know what to do, I love them both and will NOT chose between them. I wish they could see that. I know Tyson doesn't want me to hang out with my best friend, and I know my best friend doesnt want me dating Tyson (even though they haven't told me themselves, I know). I just want them to get along! What do I do?
The Answer
You can't make them get along.
You absolutely can tell them to shut the hell up when they are nasty and that you've heard enough about thier immature hating.
The next time either of them starts to tell you how much they dislike the other, tell them this:
"I really don't want to hear about this anymore. We all know where everyone else stands, and I don't need you two to get along, but I do need both of you to respect that I am going to matain my relationships with both of you, and I don't want to hear any more bitching."
The fact that they haven't told you to choose between them, means they probably have basic respect for your right to choose your relationships regardless of how they feel. Now you need to demand a bit more respect from them: Enough respect that they not be constantly whining about the other person to you.
That's probably the best you are going to get, so insist on that, and they can continue to hate one another in respectful silence.
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The Question
im a 16 year old girl and recently got in trouble for sneaking out of my fathers house. I went to hang out with a really good friend of mine...when we were hanging out my dad called his cell phone...my friend immediatly took me back to my street...when i walked up to my drive-way there was a cop sitting in it...i walked inside to see my step-mom, father, and lee county sheriff. The cop left...and the lecture began...but it was my step-mother yelling...my father just kind of stood there. So i was told to pack my things and get ready to go back to my moms house...then my step-mom called my friend(kyle) nd yelled at him and told him to get back over to my house...before he arrived 2 lee county sheriffs showed up...after they questioned kyle they let him go...nd i returned inside...my stp-mother said that i would not be returning to their house...i went home the next morning after church...a few days later my mother was talking to my father on the phone...he then said the same thing my step-mom had said..."she's never coming over again" Now hearing it from my sob step-mom is one thing...but hearing it from my dad is different...im his only blood related child nd his "little girl" nd he turned his back on me for breaking one rule at his house! i have never done anything like this at his house before...but for him to basically shun me cut deep. I havent spoken to him since sunday which has been almost a week...my father usually calls me 2-3 times every 4 days...i have not received one phone call...i love my dad soo much...but i dont know how to deal with the fact that he doesnt want to be in contact with me...please help...i need my father in my life!
The Answer
You didn't just break a rule.
You terrified him.
He imagined you raped, drugged up, kidnapped and murdered. He imagined you mutilated. He saw indentifying your body with the cops, and everyone crying at your funeral.
You didn't just break a rule.
You ripped his heart out.
You being missing was probably on of the worst experiences of his life.
You owe him an apology. A big one. For frightening and terrifying them both. For all the stress and pain you selfishly ‘caused them.
You owe him a promise that you’ll never ‘cause him such a pain again.
Sure, it’s tough to hear your father say something like that. He was probably exaggerating and it wasn’t an appropriate thing for him to say.
HOWEVER, your behaviour was also inappropriate. The place to begin the healing for you both, is with a heartfelt apology and a promise to behave better in the future.
As harsh as it is: You simply don’t deserve to be spending time in their home if you cannot abide by their rules and pay them at little bit of respect by not scaring the shit out of them like that. If you can't show your love for your father with that kind of basic respect, then you'll need to find ways to have your relationship with him which don't include visiting his home.
Either way, start with an apology.
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The Question
I'm 18 years old and in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is my bestie and all thee above. I believe our sex life is our business and personal and we NEVER discuss it with anyone.
Well, my roommate caught us having sex one day and ever since then she won't SHUT up!!!!
[My boyfriend is pretty uncomfortable knowing she saw us. Violation of privacy is what it felt like.]
If a condom commercial comes on: "omg you and eric!"
I had leftover conditioner in my hair: "don't know with THAT is since you and eric are..."
A sex scene: "eric's butt!"
"everytime I see sex on tv I think of eric's butt going up and down."
"we need one of those hotel signs that say do not disturb for you guys!" (WHAT! so everyone will know what we're doing? NO! How about you knock! WHY would she even bring it up!!)
oh there's more, I'm just giving you a little taste.
Let's get this straight. She knows everything about sex. She's NO virgin, no in deedy. She's actually an ex (maybe ex!) known promiscuous girl herself. So shes no stranger at all to sex!
I can understand one time or two, HA! HA! funny, but omg a million times is ridiculous and annoying! I once told her "OKAY! What me and my boyfriend do is private don't talk about it!" Didn't help. Its so private to me, I feel so uncomfortable now that she saw us. I'm really a nice person who gets along with everyone and this is making me mad and I don't know how to shut her up. SHE on the other hand is selfish and self centered and is the rude one.
So how do I say SHUT UP?!
I'm really fed up with it!
The Answer
"Hey Roomie, I'm really not comfortable with the whole you walking in on us having sex. I'm sorry it happened. I really need to stop talking about it now because it's not funny and it embarrasses me. I need you to respect this, and stop talking about it."
Firm, straight-forward, and most importantly: Friendly.
You aren't telling her to shut the fuck up, you are telling her that you need her to respect your feelings. So take a deep breath, and stop making this a fight. It's not a fight, its two roommates talking about what they need in their lives to be able to live comfortably.
Frankly, your roommate might be a self centred and rude girl, but she also sounds like she was really uncomfortable too! She’s just using humour to deal with it. You both need to be able to put it behind you.
Has it occurred to you that maybe you owe her an apology for not doing something on your side to make sure this didn’t happen? Like a sign or a signal, or sending her a text or message asking her when she would be back? You both live in the space, so you are just as responsible for her comfort and respecting her, as she is for respecting you.
Asking her to stop talking about this, at the same time as defining how you can deal with getting some privacy when you need it in the future would be a good way to show that you are willing to respect her at the same time as asking her to respect you. Knocking is certainly good manners, but expecting her to knock on the door where she also lives might not be sufficient if you intend to continue to have sex in your shared living space. So make sure you are open to hearing about what kind of respect she needs, when you tell her what kind you need.
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The Question
A year and a half ago I moved out of my mother's home. She was a terrible mother towards me, she used to force feed me junk food to purposely make me gain weight (I was an overweight child) so she could torture me mentally and say I was abnormal and fat and different. She used to hit me up until I was 16 when I moved out to my Dad's, and she used other ways of torturing me both mentally and physically, including constant death threats and making me feel small and encouraging me to commit suicide during a dark depression when I went up to her for a hug.
She also used to use all of Dad's child support money on drugs and when she couldn't get her fix she'd hit me when I was a small child and I wouldn't eat until she begged my father to give her more money.
She also once spent a year's worth of child support on a car.
She's okay towards me now. She buys me all the things I NEED and clothes and she's bought me a laptop and other things I need. She also takes me to the doctor when I need to be taken and when Dad can't take me, and we go out for dinner every Sunday night.
My Mum is friendless. So now she sees me more of a friend than a daughter, and she's been telling me things...
One was that she used to work in a brothel. She told me she worked as a 'receptionist' but she gave me a small hint that told me she was a prostitute.
Another, was that she used to have affairs with married men. She wasn't even sorry about this, she laughed and said the men's wife's deserved it 'because they were ugly'
I told my Dad about all of this yesterday. He was disgusted and is going to be having a 'talk' with her for telling me. When he found out she had been a hooker (He never knew during his and my mum's relationship, this was after he kicked her out of the house) he and my mum agreed to never tell me. It was the family secret, she had begged every member of my family to never tell me.
He also told me about the affairs she had. He and her only spoke about it once, but apparently she used to always dump her perfume over the wife's pillows (She used to have sex in the marital bed...) so the husband would get into trouble.
She also went back to her hooker days when I was a child, after Dad kicked her out of the house and when she spent all her welfare money PLUS the extra large amount of child support my father gave her. She also slept with a lonely old man and he bought her a house plus is leaving all of his inheritance to her. And she's slept with taxi drivers to get out of paying the fare.
I always knew my 2 cousins plus a few of my aunties were hookers (yep, runs in the family) but I never knew she was one too until a few days ago. I always had a feeling, but it was never confirmed.
Now, the question is, do I still speak to this whore? I forgave her for everything she did to me as a child, she still denies it to this day that she ever abused me and calls me a liar, but I let it all go.
My sister (as I said before she has a different mother) said what she did in her past doesn't matter, but my mother should not be telling me these things.
Dad also said I should still speak to my mother because once again, it's all in the past. Even though she has been a hooker during my lifetime, none of it has been 'confirmed' but as I said, old guy bought her the house and there have been guys around and extra money, and times where I've been dumped at friend's houses unexpectantly.
So I don't know what to do. On one hand she's my mother, and she's been caring so much for me lately and has been doing so many positive things for me, and shown me support, and she's said I'm the only person there for her (as I said she has no friends and doesn't speak to family)
But on the other hand, she's led a lifestyle I find absolutely disgusting. If it were anyone else I'd cut off ties immediately. I'm so ashamed to be her daughter - I'm a hooker's daughter. I feel disgusted and right now I just want to throw up and cry at the same time. She's also had affairs with married men as I said, and she sees NOTHING wrong with it.
What the hell do I do? She doesn't know that I know the full story behind her being a prostitute, she told me the same story she told my father, and like my father, I found out she was a hooker from someone else. Should I just pretend I never found out, or do I confront her?
I'm so disgusted and angry. I'm a hooker's daughter. I'm so angry at her for making me that.
The Answer
Take a really deep breath, and tell your father you are really struggling with what these revelations means for you, as your own individual, and ask his help in seeing a counsellor or therapist.
I'm very serious about that.
I'm going to try and give you advice as best I can here, but there is just so much going on, and so much at stake in your life, plus all those negative experiences from years ago as well. You really should be seeing someone to help you work through this in the long term.
First off, repeat this to yourself as often as needed. Write it out fifty times if you need too:
My mother’s choices have no reflection on me. My mother’s choices have nothing to do with me.
Because it’s true. As horrible as it feels, the fact your mother did these things, has NOTHING at all to do with you. It has no reflection on the person you are, or the person you’ll become. You don’t need to define yourself by the stupidity of a parent.
Stop repeating in your mind that you are the daughter of a whore. It’s not helpful, and although it might be true, it’s not relevant to who you are as a person. I’m the granddaughter of racists, and a man who was abusive, gambled away all the money and then abandoned his family. I know the son of a white supremacist and the daughter of a rapist. And we all three of us, are intelligent, pleasant people, good partners and some are good parents. The sins of those who came before us aren’t things we need to carry with us.
Secondly, take a deep breath and acknowledge that you DON’T know the whole story yet, and might never. Your mother is nut bar. For all you know she is exaggerating or, it might be a lot worse than you know. You’ll probably never find out for sure. For the sake of your sanity, work on getting to a place where you can be comfortable accepting that you will never really know for sure.
Since in the recent past your mother has been making a real effort to be decent and supportive to you, I’d suggest you not sever ties with her violently. Instead, tell her gently but firmly that you are really confused about your relationship with her right now, and that you need time apart. I’m sure she’ll whine and badger you, but really try to hold firmly and calmly to just that message.
Talk over the next steps with a therapist. Really, and truly, please do.
You have such a clear voice here, a good deal of sense and strong values, not just against what your mother did, but in forgiving her and making space for her in your life despite all her shortcomings. That is so much hard work you’ve already done to break the cycle of hate and abuse, and to be the hero in your own life. This might be a serious setback and a huge hurdle, but you can do it.
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The Question
did anyone else get a weird e-mail from facebook about the beacon program? what is that? it's freaking me out
The Answer
It's nothing to worry about.
Beacon was a program that, effectively, allowed third party marketers to post information about your purchasing behaviour with them to your wall.
A class action suit got filed against Facebook for the Beacon program, alleging that Facebook didn't give users enough notice and opt out options in Beacon, and it was agianst privacy laws.
Facebook shut down the Beacon program on September 21, 2009.
Facebook settled the lawsuit a few months ago.
Facebook is required to tell all their users about this settlement.
Facebook wasn't found 'guilty' of doing any wrong, but they did stop the program all the same. (They have Facebook Link now, which does something sort of similar, but with much more transparency.)
If the e-mail said you can get money out of Facebook because of this lawsuit, it's a scam.
Read more about it here:
http://news.cnet.com/8301-13577_3-10409034-36.html
And don’t worry. It’s nothing except that they are required by the court to let all users who were around during Beacon to know what has happened with the lawsuit.
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The Question
My bf has a 2 1/2 year old with his ex. He and I have been together for almost 2 years now.
His ex and I are friends, but has a problem with me doing anything to parent their child.
I don't view it as parenting, but being an adult when there is a dangerous situation at hand.
For example, we were all together eating dinner the other night. Mom went outside for a couple minutes and dad went to the bathroom. Boy was playing around while eating and then did a "backflip" in his chair (he is on the ground in a foam little kids chair) with a fork in his mouth.
I told him he can't do that and he will get his fork taken away if he continues to play when he should be eating.
He kept playing around and doing dangerous things like that, even when mom and dad came back to the room.
I told him again that that isn't safe and he needs to stop.
Mom got very defensive then started to yell at dad and I because I was parenting the child.
Dad didn't even see what happened.
I view my relationship as a partnership with my bf when it comes to his son.
He sees things I don't, I see things he doesn't.
This has happened many times and I don’t know why or what to do to fix it.
I discipline him according to their rules, which changes every week!
I am to the point that I want to not be around AT ALL when my bf's son is over visiting for any reason (bf's weekend, just because, etc.)
I am very frustrated and upset because of this and at my wit's end!
What exactly did I do wrong?
Am I in the wrong for trying to help?
Thank you for your advice.
The Answer
Of course you aren't wrong for wanting to help.
You aren't wrong to see yourself as another adult who cares for the child.
You are wrong to think you have any business disciplining the child. At all.
You are overstepping your bounds and stressing everybody out, yourself included.
That isn't your role and you shouldn't be trying to take it on at all. It's insulting to the parents and regardless of how good, or bad, their discipline is, it's undermining and usurping them. You should not be doing anything other then reminding the child of the consequences the parents have told you might happen.
Don't tell the child what you are going to do, and don't make threats of discipline. Don't say "I'm going to take that fork away." Because you are not, and you shouldn't be. Instead try "What do you think your mother would say about you doing that?" or "That looks dangerous and is making me uncomfortable, if you don't stop I am going to get your Dad and he can decide if that behavior is okay or not."
Of course step in if something truly dangerous is happening, but in all cases, if the child needs discipline, get a parent involved. It's not your place to tell a child what the consequences for their behavior is unless the parents give you that power.
The parents should be the primary source of discipline. You are there to enforce THEIR authority, not to act on their behalf.
Never, act on their behalf, unless they directly ask you too.
Part of this is needing to respect his parents choices and their insecurities. A parent often feels scolded or insulted when you discipline their child for them, try to be supportive and helpful instead. Even play a little dumb and give them the chance to be the smart, attentive parent they want to be. Something like "Gosh, Johnnie has a fork in his mouth. All that jumping looks a bit dangerous." helps them to see and identify the bad behavior, without telling them how they are supposed to respond to it. Making comments or observations to the parent, gives them the room to be the parent, without judgment or undermining their authority.
Of course you are going to see things that your boyfriend isn't, but it's your job to tell him (or the mother) what you see, not to address it unless they have very expressly and clearly said "When Johnie has a fork in his mouth, do this."
You are not in a partnership when it comes to his son, you are his assistant.
Otherwise, back off, stop trying to be anything like a parent. Instead, be a good, polite, adult guest, who brings things that concern them to a parents attention, without getting personally involved.
It might not matter how long you've been together, or how good of friends you are. It's still important for the child to have two parents, not three. You need to find a way to back off and let them do their job.
It might be a bit different if you were left alone with the child. If you were expected to baby sit, or if you co-habitat with your boyfriend, but it sounds like you don't, so at this point, you need to stop being the third wheel in this until the parents welcome you in.
If you start living with him, or being left alone with the child then it's time for a conversation about exercising some authority and disciplining him, but when mom is in the other room, for Christs sake just call her.
Remember, if you get to a point where you expect to have that kind of authority in this kids life, you need to be ready to take on the responsibility of that role as well. You don't get to play mommy #2 just 'cause he's over at your boyfriend house. If you want to be more than just another adult in the space, that is a conversation that need to take place with both of his parents, and a lot of respect and accommodation on your side.
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The Question
are girls just bad at making music or something? or not as good as guys are.
cause its like I cant really relate to it, like if a song talks about like a girl the singer likes
but at the same time its really good so I listen to it anyways.
The Answer
It depends on your taste in music, but also on what sells and to whom.
Male musicians have traditionally out-sold female musicians and other artists. This has changed a bit recently, with a few really successfully female pop artists in the last 15 years, but if follow the dollar figures, all signed male musicians and bands are still making more than all signed females. This divide is true for visual arts, photography, playwrights, comedians, even until quite recently, novelists... basically most art forms.
So the question is: Why do the male artistic perspectives or the 'male voice' lend itself to more commercially successful art?
There are lots of theories that answer that question, but the ones I favor are some lingering gender-bias from the last century (when men produced art, and whatever women did was generally concerned a ‘craft’ or inherently less valuable as art), and also a bit of hard-wired preferences. Women are better than men at connecting emotionally with a verity of perspectives. Women are, as a horrible over-generalization, better at feeling empathy with people different than themselves. We are also more inherently concerned with people’s feelings and perspectives then men are. That means the ‘male voice’ appeals to us and we have the skills to relate to that voice, in a way that men cannot as easily relate to a female voice. (By voice, I don’t just mean the way a person sounds, but everything about the way they communicate: their words and their lyrics and what’s important to them.)
That means a male artist has inherently larger audience (both men and women) then a female artist (who might have limited appeal to a male audience).
Anyways, it’s just a theory, but like I said, it also really depends on what kind of music you like!
I’d say, if you are concerned about the under-representation of women in any art form, one of the best things you can do is put in a serious effort into finding female artists you like and buying their stuff! There are thousands of artists out there, and it's always a sweet find when you discover one that you can really relate too.
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The Question
My son is 27, and he graduated about 6 months ago from college, and I can't seem to motivate him to go out on his own; get a job; move out and start his own life! What on earth haven't I tried yet? Any advice would greatly help.
Dale
The Answer
Give him three months, and tell him starting then rent will be whatever a reasonable amount of rent would be in your area for the room he is taking up.
If he doesn't have it. Kick him the hell out.
He's twenty seven, not seventeen, it's no longer your job to motivated him. It's now your job to say "I'm done being your motivation. You need to go be your own. And the way I'm going to express how I am now finished being your motivation, is I'm going to be your landlord. Pay me, or leave."
Yes. It's very hard to do to one's child. But it's probably the kindest thing you'll ever do for him. Even in a shit economy, there is work at fast food places, and maybe if it's really bad where you live, he'll realize he needs to relocate to find work.
No more excuses, give him a reasonable time line, and then charge him a realistic amount of rent. If he doesn't comply, kick him out.
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The Question
Have any of you guys noticed that most teenage guys are homophobic? My ex boyfriend was homophobic-ish. I couldn't stand it. For a numerous reasons... 1) my own step brother was gay (oh but still very attractive enough to make girls fall for him ha) 2) I hate judgmental people. 3) I just couldn't stand it PERIOD. He used it as an insult with his friends which is pretty stupid. So I was extremely worried that he would see my brother and be like going off on him and then dumping me blah blah. So why are teenage guys so homophobic? I mean my ex was 17 freaking years old and was pretty mature for his age but still.
The Answer
Most teenage guys are deeply insecure in their sexuality.
Most teenagers, for better or worse, will tease and discriminate against anything that is different from their own peer groups 'normal'.
Finally, many teenage guys haven't had anyone turn to them in their life yet and say "Dude, that is NOT fucking cool. Get over it. Now."
A lot of people, guys and girls, will grow out of this stage of fear of those who are different. In the meantime, you should feel very free to help them along by speaking up when you feel what they have said is not tolerant. They might try to laugh it off, but change often just starts with one person, putting a little bit of doubt into another person's mind, that the way they are acting might not be okay. Even if you can't make them change their mind, you'll at least be able to make them change the way they act around you.
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The Question
Just come vital information: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. I just recently lost my virginity to him. Things have been really good, and I love him.
We both have separate lives. We like it that way. My friends, and his both consist of guys and girls-- even if we've dated them.
He called me earlier today, asking if he could go visit one of his friends in college for the weekend. She goes to Boston, which is about 4 hours from me. She made it very clear that me coming with him was out of the question. She says they haven't spent much time with each other, and that she has the right to spend the weekend with him. But I don't like this.
I'm not typically a jealous girl, especially with him. But he lost his virginity to her. I'm afraid that even with full trust in our relationship, the chances of feelings regenerating with the two of them is always possible. Therefore, I want to tell him I don't want him to go, but also don't want to come off clingy.
Am I being insecure?.. or do I have a clear argument here?
The Answer
You are being insecure.
This girl sounds like she was a bit abrupt in the way she spoke to you, a bit rude maybe. (What was she even doing talking to YOU about this. Him visiting her in between him and her. She didn't need to tell you that you weren't invited did she really? Sounds like a bit of Drama-Seeker to me..)
However, it is true that HE has the right to spend the weekend with an old friend (she doens't have any rights, silly girl, HE has a right to choose her company or not) and since you otherwise have a healthy relationship based on trust, I don't see any reason for you allow her poor communication style to change that.
The simple truth is that a person who wants to cheat, will, and a person who doesn’t, wont.
Exes are no more or less threatening then some random girl off the street, if you have a partner who you know to be loyal.
“The chances of feelings regenerating with the two of them is always possible” is technically true, but it’s true in EXACTLY the same way the statements that “The chances of him falling madly in love with that cute girl at Starbucks is always possible” is technically true.
Neither issue is worth you spending your time worrying about.
Take your own personal baggage off this issue: Not everyone feels an intense contention with their first sexual partner. I don’t. Most of the people I know actually had much more powerful relationships AFTER their first sexual partner. So don’t project your new found intimacy and closeness with him, on their past relationship. That isn’t fair, and it can easily cloud your judgement.
Don't tell him you 'don't want him to go'. He's entitled to going.
Do tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable and insecure about this particular visit. Ask for his reassurance and comfort to help you handle your insecurities. Accept and let him know that you've accepted that he will go, but be honest about your negative feelings about it, and ask for his understanding (not that he change his behavoir of going, just that he is patient and sympathic with your behavoir of being insecure).
That isn't about not being clingy, it's about being respectful of his freedom to choose, as well as being honest about your feelings.
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The Question
I am a 22 year old female with a 25 year old boyfriend. I have a great boyfriend, who I know would never do anything wrong or do anything to hurt me, but I always find myself questioning what he's doing, who he is talking to, where he is going, etc. I torture him relentlessly every day, even though I know it's wrong. I don't want him to break up with me, because honestly he is the best thing in my life, and I will never find anyone who loves me as much as he does, but I can't control my behavior and the way my mind thinks so negatively. Can someone offer SOME kind of advice that might've worked for you?
The Answer
Get some therapy and try a whole lot harder.
There is no magic trick. You know what you are doing is completely wrong, so you need to stop doing it.
There is no insecurity chew gum to help you quit nagging like you might stop smoking. There is no physical aid. All there is to solve this problem, is what you give yourself.
So give yourself this:
Go to therapy, even just for a month or two, to get some personalized, professional advice on dealing with your negative thoughts.
Keep yourself busy when you are faced with these obsessive concerns. Pick up a craft, or a book, or a game, even bake something.
Don’t make it your boyfriend’s job to make you feel better. Don’t make it his job to reassure you, through constant phone calls or checking in. Make it your job to handle your negatively, and only occasionally ask him for help with your attempts.
Apologize when you realize you’ve behaved badly.
STOP giving yourself permission or excuses. It doesn’t matter why you do this. We aren’t defined by every bad thing that ever happened to us to make ourselves insecure or negative, we are defined by how we handle these issues and treat others. So no more “I’ve always had a negative mind!” from now on the mantra is this “I’ve been very negative in the past. Now I’m working on trusting the people I love and being positive.”
I know this advice is seems harsh. It IS harsh. You aren’t a kiddo here, and I won’t baby you. You are an adult woman who can and should hold herself to a higher standard then she is at the moment. Set that standard, and work towards it. Along the way, get some professional help if you can.
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The Question
Hey ill try make this short and simple.
15/f
Theres this guy called blair. Hes really cute and hes SO cool.
This guy he is turning 18 soon.. we talk alot on bebo and stuff and we've hang out a couple of times with a group of people.
we are going to hang out by ourselfs after exams.. and i think i may start to like him. but im pretty sure hes just in it for the sex. im sexually active.. and we have plans to have sex.. :L sounds weird but hes soo hot :P
but what if my mum doesnt like him
he does smoke weed and drink most weekends so im guessing she wont like him :L
but she will wont to meet him first before we go out or whatever.
cause shes just like that.
and i feel bad if i argue to her about guys cos they are just guys and i want to make her happy as well as my self...
soo
idk
theres a couple of problems here.
my mother. and blair.
idk if he will like me or just want sex all the time.. which i guess i dont mind ..
and how do i get my mother to understand that i want to go out with the guys i like even though she dissagrees.
sorry that its long!
The Answer
At 15 years old, your mother probably understands that you might want to go out with people she dislikes, but she also understands that she is your mom, and can say no to you.
If you mother doesn't let you go out with an 18 year old guy who you are already planning on sleeping with and who pretty clearly just wants you for sex... that doesn't make her a bad person! That makes her a good mom who rather not have her daughter hanging out with an older guy who only wants her for her body!
Even if you are okay with sleeping with this guy knowing that's all he wants from you, doesn't mean your mom has to be okay and supportive of that choice! She can still say "Nope. I'm not going to be supportive of you hanging out with him 'cause I don't think I like how you are deciding to run this relationship.”
When you move on out your own you can go find hundreds of hot guys to have sex with if you want too. Your mother will no longer have any say when you are an adult. But while you are still a teen living in her home, she does have a say, and it sounds like she'd be wise to discourage you from hanging out with this particular guy.
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The Question
Thank you for your response to my question.
I feel that I should clarify; when the test was moved to its current date in January. My girlfriend called my parents and told them that she would be unable to go. My parents received most of their refund for her share. Now, my girlfriend still says that she does not want me to go.
Thank you.
The Answer
Ah well, in that case.
Kindly and lovingly tell your girlfriend to shove it.
It would be far too rude for you not go on this trip after your parents purchased it. Refusing the gift is just not an option.
Try to find a way to stay in contact while you are away, regular e-mails and texts (maybe even arrange for flowers the day or the test, or the day after), but express to her that the investment your family has made in this trip cannot be scoffed off in respectful way.
I'd still say talk to them about it, and see if a date change is possible. It is unforcunate that your parents didn't seek a solution where you could all attend, but when it comes to a gift, that's there right. Maybe they just need a little nudge to realize what a big deal this is for your relationship.
However, if they don't or can't rebook, your girlfriend needs to told plainly that although it's okay that she upset, she can't expect you to reject your family over this, and try to make a plan where you can still be supportive of her at that tough time (even if it means an huge investment in long-distance calling cards).
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The Question
Hello
I don’t know what to do. I’m 25 and have been dating my girlfriend for over two years now. She is in graduate school and has a big test this January. For Christmas my parents wanted to surprise me with a week long cruise in early January for me to go on with my parents and girlfriend. This was supposed to be a surprise and I only know about this cruise because my girlfriend told me. Originally it worked out so that my girlfriend was able to go with us because her test was scheduled in March. Now that her test has been moved to January, and if she misses this she will be kicked out of the program, it doesn’t sound like she will be able to go. My girlfriend doesn’t want me to go on the cruise and leave her while she is taking this test.
I feel like that I’m in a loose/loose situation. If I turn down the cruise I hurt my parents and if I go I hurt my girlfriend. I feel like each side is pulling at me and its unfair to me. It's unfair for my parents to make plans for me with out my knowledge (which I can’t even talk to them about because I’m not supposed to know) and unfair for my girlfriend to ask me not to go, to give up my present. I’m very confused and don’t know what to do… Please help with any advice. Thank you.
The Answer
You need to use your words.
What is unfair is you not speaking up and discussing this problem and your stress with the people around you.
First off, your parents.
Sure, you shouldn't know about the present, but you do, and if they haven't already been told that the new exam date will conflict with the cruise, they deserve to be told. After all, they bought the present, not just for you, but for your girlfriend as well. The information that she might not be able to go is very relevant to them. They deserve to hear it, from her, if not from you.
I'm sure your parents would be much more annoyed by thier money being wasted, then by you knowing about a suprise. They'd be crazy not to be.
Deal with that problem first, before you try to deal with your girlfriend's expectations. It's possible the problem can be solved with a rebooking fee.
Look for solutions to problems through honesty and openness. Don't obessess and block yourself off from possible solutions.
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The Question
My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We decided to stay best friends because we both care about eachother very much. The problem is that I find myself still loving him and he on the other hand still likes me a tiny bit, but does not want a relationship with me because he was unhappy with it. I was a total wreck at first, but I've come a long way. I am still nowhere near over him though...Well, he likes another girl and I know that they've been having a thing with eachother, but now it turns out that she likes someone else more than she likes him. So, he's now getting heartbroken.. :/ Naturally, as his best friend I am helping him feel better about her. But it just pains me that he's sulking over HER. I realize that at some point he may have been sulking over me instead....I know that we are over. I know that we can not happen again because he doesn't feel that I am the "one". But there is always that hope that maybe...someday...just maybe. I want to stop that hope and these feelings. I know I can't just change the way I feel but I would really appreciate some help in trying to make these feelings stop persisting. :/ Thanks.
The Answer
You aren't his bestfriend, as much as you might like to be, as much as you care for him, you aren't his best friend, you ARE his ex girlfriend.
Respect that, for your own sake and for his. Respect yourself and him by saying 'Whoa, dude, I care for you, but I'm dealing with my own shit right now, and I can't handle your issues with this other girl. If we need to see less of eachother for a while so we can both handle these things without hurting the other, so be it."
You can't magically turn your feelings off, and neither can he. The best thing you can both do at this point is set some bounderies so you aren't abusing one another.
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The Question
how important is it to guys for a girl to have big boobs? is it really a big turn off if a girlfriend has A cups and small boobs? would they still want to do stuff with these girls?
The Answer
To some guys, this might be very important. Too other, big breasts are a turn off.
Some guys will only 'do stuff' with redheads.
Others will only 'do stuff' if her right eye is smaller then her left eye, or if she never shaves.
Everyone is different. Although our media celebrates large breasts, it's not a reflection of every single persons personal tastes. Each individual person decides how important praticular features are to them in a partner.
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The Question
I would like to visit an Ames Room. Are there any in New York City?
The Answer
I have no idea about NYC, but there is one in Toronto at the Ontario Science Centre in their permenant collection.
I checked thier website but couldn't confirm it was still there, I'd think it would be though. I was last there a year or so ago:
http://www.ontariosciencecentre.ca/
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