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He isn't my child
My bf has a 2 1/2 year old with his ex. He and I have been together for almost 2 years now.
His ex and I are friends, but has a problem with me doing anything to parent their child.
I don't view it as parenting, but being an adult when there is a dangerous situation at hand.
For example, we were all together eating dinner the other night. Mom went outside for a couple minutes and dad went to the bathroom. Boy was playing around while eating and then did a "backflip" in his chair (he is on the ground in a foam little kids chair) with a fork in his mouth.
I told him he can't do that and he will get his fork taken away if he continues to play when he should be eating.
He kept playing around and doing dangerous things like that, even when mom and dad came back to the room.
I told him again that that isn't safe and he needs to stop.
Mom got very defensive then started to yell at dad and I because I was parenting the child.
Dad didn't even see what happened.
I view my relationship as a partnership with my bf when it comes to his son.
He sees things I don't, I see things he doesn't.
This has happened many times and I don’t know why or what to do to fix it.
I discipline him according to their rules, which changes every week!
I am to the point that I want to not be around AT ALL when my bf's son is over visiting for any reason (bf's weekend, just because, etc.)
I am very frustrated and upset because of this and at my wit's end!
What exactly did I do wrong?
Am I in the wrong for trying to help?
Thank you for your advice.
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I somewhat disagree with Rahzie.
You are an adult, and they are the child. Period. I understand your boyfriend raises kids differently from how I will when I have them, but children should be accustomed to obeying adults whom are a regular part of their lives. Period.
If a kid is jumping around with a fork in his mouth, you are absolutely right to take it away from him, especially under the age of 5. Parents insecurities are less important than the child, and if its something of an issue enough, then you and your boyfriend have some major differences in childrearing opinions and you might want to rethink how serious you are about him.
If we were talking about a seven to ten year old, things would be different. Hell, even five would be a bit different. But not two and a half. At two and a half and with a situation where the parents are not around and he's doing something he shouldn't be, I think you're perfectly fine stepping in and taking a fork away, etc.
Sorry for the mother, but in a case like this the welfare of the kid is so far above the mother's insecurities that you can't see the mother's issues from where you are. My wife is sitting behind me, I read her your question, and she's in complete agreement.
I'm going to raise my kids to obey adults who are known to them as if they were us. Our friends, our family, will all be allowed to enforce our rules in our absence and our kids will catch hell for disobeying adults who they damn well will know are allowed to tell them what to do.
You need to talk to your boyfriend and he needs to back you up as a parent. If neither of them are in the room you need to be allowed the authority to stop the kids from doing stupid or dangerous stuff. In no way is it your job to coddle the mother, perhaps you might do it for your boyfriend because you love him, but she doesn't get the same courtesy, not when she's yelling at you for stopping her kid from doing dangerous stuff.
So I counter Rahzie (since this is largely a matter of opinion) and say that in no way were you in the wrong, and if you have overstepped your bounds in the past, this question is not in any way an example of that. For every person like Rahzie and like the mother in this story, there's someone like me who'd be upset with you if I walked in and found my kid with a fork in his mouth and you sitting there silently.
You do need to talk to the boyfriend, because while right and wrong aren't quite applicable here, compatibility is, and if you're going to be around for a while and in this kid's life you can't expect to have no authority at all. Children should not be allowed to treat the people their parents are with like "the woman my dad sleeps with", and personally if I were you I'd be trying to find out if thats what your boyfriend is going to relegate you to. You're obviously not OK with that, and as far as I'm concerned if you take the "Mother" out of "Step Mother" then you just create a person your kids step all over. Something to consider before you make a bid for the position.
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You didn't do anything wrong. The kid sounds like a brat and, if he isn't, he eventually will be because the "rules change every week". His ex is a flake and dad should have defended you.
I don't know...this situation has the potential of getting real bad.
If you aren't supposed to "parent" the child, then why were both of them missing when this situation occurred. One would think one of the parents would be present with the child at all times. Who left the room first, mom or dad? If mom left first, then dad, it was assumed by dad that you are capable of handling the child in any situation that may occur. He should have defended you when his ex started her tantrum. He should have said, "She is capable of caring for little Poindexter when we parents are not present so she is capable of giving him guidance."
If dad left first, then mom, then obviously she has enough trust in you to leave her child with you. How dare she complain that you "parent" the child.
Either way, would she complain if her babysitter reprimanded the child? How about a teacher. She's nuts. Think about this relationship because if you make it permanent, you may have lots of this nonsense to go through.
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Of course you aren't wrong for wanting to help.
You aren't wrong to see yourself as another adult who cares for the child.
You are wrong to think you have any business disciplining the child. At all.
You are overstepping your bounds and stressing everybody out, yourself included.
That isn't your role and you shouldn't be trying to take it on at all. It's insulting to the parents and regardless of how good, or bad, their discipline is, it's undermining and usurping them. You should not be doing anything other then reminding the child of the consequences the parents have told you might happen.
Don't tell the child what you are going to do, and don't make threats of discipline. Don't say "I'm going to take that fork away." Because you are not, and you shouldn't be. Instead try "What do you think your mother would say about you doing that?" or "That looks dangerous and is making me uncomfortable, if you don't stop I am going to get your Dad and he can decide if that behavior is okay or not."
Of course step in if something truly dangerous is happening, but in all cases, if the child needs discipline, get a parent involved. It's not your place to tell a child what the consequences for their behavior is unless the parents give you that power.
The parents should be the primary source of discipline. You are there to enforce THEIR authority, not to act on their behalf.
Never, act on their behalf, unless they directly ask you too.
Part of this is needing to respect his parents choices and their insecurities. A parent often feels scolded or insulted when you discipline their child for them, try to be supportive and helpful instead. Even play a little dumb and give them the chance to be the smart, attentive parent they want to be. Something like "Gosh, Johnnie has a fork in his mouth. All that jumping looks a bit dangerous." helps them to see and identify the bad behavior, without telling them how they are supposed to respond to it. Making comments or observations to the parent, gives them the room to be the parent, without judgment or undermining their authority.
Of course you are going to see things that your boyfriend isn't, but it's your job to tell him (or the mother) what you see, not to address it unless they have very expressly and clearly said "When Johnie has a fork in his mouth, do this."
You are not in a partnership when it comes to his son, you are his assistant.
Otherwise, back off, stop trying to be anything like a parent. Instead, be a good, polite, adult guest, who brings things that concern them to a parents attention, without getting personally involved.
It might not matter how long you've been together, or how good of friends you are. It's still important for the child to have two parents, not three. You need to find a way to back off and let them do their job.
It might be a bit different if you were left alone with the child. If you were expected to baby sit, or if you co-habitat with your boyfriend, but it sounds like you don't, so at this point, you need to stop being the third wheel in this until the parents welcome you in.
If you start living with him, or being left alone with the child then it's time for a conversation about exercising some authority and disciplining him, but when mom is in the other room, for Christs sake just call her.
Remember, if you get to a point where you expect to have that kind of authority in this kids life, you need to be ready to take on the responsibility of that role as well. You don't get to play mommy #2 just 'cause he's over at your boyfriend house. If you want to be more than just another adult in the space, that is a conversation that need to take place with both of his parents, and a lot of respect and accommodation on your side.
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