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Finding out my mother's secret? (warning, long)
A year and a half ago I moved out of my mother's home. She was a terrible mother towards me, she used to force feed me junk food to purposely make me gain weight (I was an overweight child) so she could torture me mentally and say I was abnormal and fat and different. She used to hit me up until I was 16 when I moved out to my Dad's, and she used other ways of torturing me both mentally and physically, including constant death threats and making me feel small and encouraging me to commit suicide during a dark depression when I went up to her for a hug.
She also used to use all of Dad's child support money on drugs and when she couldn't get her fix she'd hit me when I was a small child and I wouldn't eat until she begged my father to give her more money.
She also once spent a year's worth of child support on a car.
She's okay towards me now. She buys me all the things I NEED and clothes and she's bought me a laptop and other things I need. She also takes me to the doctor when I need to be taken and when Dad can't take me, and we go out for dinner every Sunday night.
My Mum is friendless. So now she sees me more of a friend than a daughter, and she's been telling me things...
One was that she used to work in a brothel. She told me she worked as a 'receptionist' but she gave me a small hint that told me she was a prostitute.
Another, was that she used to have affairs with married men. She wasn't even sorry about this, she laughed and said the men's wife's deserved it 'because they were ugly'
I told my Dad about all of this yesterday. He was disgusted and is going to be having a 'talk' with her for telling me. When he found out she had been a hooker (He never knew during his and my mum's relationship, this was after he kicked her out of the house) he and my mum agreed to never tell me. It was the family secret, she had begged every member of my family to never tell me.
He also told me about the affairs she had. He and her only spoke about it once, but apparently she used to always dump her perfume over the wife's pillows (She used to have sex in the marital bed...) so the husband would get into trouble.
She also went back to her hooker days when I was a child, after Dad kicked her out of the house and when she spent all her welfare money PLUS the extra large amount of child support my father gave her. She also slept with a lonely old man and he bought her a house plus is leaving all of his inheritance to her. And she's slept with taxi drivers to get out of paying the fare.
I always knew my 2 cousins plus a few of my aunties were hookers (yep, runs in the family) but I never knew she was one too until a few days ago. I always had a feeling, but it was never confirmed.
Now, the question is, do I still speak to this whore? I forgave her for everything she did to me as a child, she still denies it to this day that she ever abused me and calls me a liar, but I let it all go.
My sister (as I said before she has a different mother) said what she did in her past doesn't matter, but my mother should not be telling me these things.
Dad also said I should still speak to my mother because once again, it's all in the past. Even though she has been a hooker during my lifetime, none of it has been 'confirmed' but as I said, old guy bought her the house and there have been guys around and extra money, and times where I've been dumped at friend's houses unexpectantly.
So I don't know what to do. On one hand she's my mother, and she's been caring so much for me lately and has been doing so many positive things for me, and shown me support, and she's said I'm the only person there for her (as I said she has no friends and doesn't speak to family)
But on the other hand, she's led a lifestyle I find absolutely disgusting. If it were anyone else I'd cut off ties immediately. I'm so ashamed to be her daughter - I'm a hooker's daughter. I feel disgusted and right now I just want to throw up and cry at the same time. She's also had affairs with married men as I said, and she sees NOTHING wrong with it.
What the hell do I do? She doesn't know that I know the full story behind her being a prostitute, she told me the same story she told my father, and like my father, I found out she was a hooker from someone else. Should I just pretend I never found out, or do I confront her?
I'm so disgusted and angry. I'm a hooker's daughter. I'm so angry at her for making me that.
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I'm going to jump this off and agree with Rahzie below, a counselor is a good idea.
Second, I absolutely encourage you to change your name to your father's. That sounds like a great idea that will help you out with what you're dealing with, and is a positive change for yourself to distance yourself from what's happened.
Now. As to the rest. I don't know what to say about how you feel about your mother. I don't understand how you can forgive her for everything she's done and hold this against her.
By that, I mean I do not for the life of me understand how you've found forgiveness of her for anything she's done, and I don't understand why her being a prostitute is so much worse than her spending your money on drugs, hitting you, encouraging suicide, etc.
I don't honestly think that this latest discovery is in any way what most tarnishes the name you want to change. And while I admire your ability to accept the past, I don't necessarily think that this is all about your mom turning tricks. The disgust in your tone about the married people alone tells me that you're just generally disgusted with your mom as a person, and I can tell you that she's reaching out for herself more than for you.
Thats what worries me, and is the reason why I'm still typing. I do know something about parents who hold on and hurt you in the process, I know something about parents who put their own selfish priorities and worldviews before the welfare of their kid. And it worries me for you the idea of her being put in any kind of position of power over you, which she currently has.
She's hurt you in the past, and I believe she will hurt you in the future. I think she just has, and I don't think its ever going to stop. For a woman who feels powerless, she's doing everything she can to control you.
I wish you good luck, and sorry I don't have more constructive input. If you'd like to send a private question, feel free, I'll give what helpful commentary I can.
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confront your mom and tell her that you know even though it may be hard like nike says just do it.
you may want to go to a therapist.
Jeremiah 29:11
for i know the plans i have for you plans to give you a hope and a future plan to prosper you and not to harm you.
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Take a really deep breath, and tell your father you are really struggling with what these revelations means for you, as your own individual, and ask his help in seeing a counsellor or therapist.
I'm very serious about that.
I'm going to try and give you advice as best I can here, but there is just so much going on, and so much at stake in your life, plus all those negative experiences from years ago as well. You really should be seeing someone to help you work through this in the long term.
First off, repeat this to yourself as often as needed. Write it out fifty times if you need too:
My mother’s choices have no reflection on me. My mother’s choices have nothing to do with me.
Because it’s true. As horrible as it feels, the fact your mother did these things, has NOTHING at all to do with you. It has no reflection on the person you are, or the person you’ll become. You don’t need to define yourself by the stupidity of a parent.
Stop repeating in your mind that you are the daughter of a whore. It’s not helpful, and although it might be true, it’s not relevant to who you are as a person. I’m the granddaughter of racists, and a man who was abusive, gambled away all the money and then abandoned his family. I know the son of a white supremacist and the daughter of a rapist. And we all three of us, are intelligent, pleasant people, good partners and some are good parents. The sins of those who came before us aren’t things we need to carry with us.
Secondly, take a deep breath and acknowledge that you DON’T know the whole story yet, and might never. Your mother is nut bar. For all you know she is exaggerating or, it might be a lot worse than you know. You’ll probably never find out for sure. For the sake of your sanity, work on getting to a place where you can be comfortable accepting that you will never really know for sure.
Since in the recent past your mother has been making a real effort to be decent and supportive to you, I’d suggest you not sever ties with her violently. Instead, tell her gently but firmly that you are really confused about your relationship with her right now, and that you need time apart. I’m sure she’ll whine and badger you, but really try to hold firmly and calmly to just that message.
Talk over the next steps with a therapist. Really, and truly, please do.
You have such a clear voice here, a good deal of sense and strong values, not just against what your mother did, but in forgiving her and making space for her in your life despite all her shortcomings. That is so much hard work you’ve already done to break the cycle of hate and abuse, and to be the hero in your own life. This might be a serious setback and a huge hurdle, but you can do it.
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