|
Trust Issues
I am a 22 year old female with a 25 year old boyfriend. I have a great boyfriend, who I know would never do anything wrong or do anything to hurt me, but I always find myself questioning what he's doing, who he is talking to, where he is going, etc. I torture him relentlessly every day, even though I know it's wrong. I don't want him to break up with me, because honestly he is the best thing in my life, and I will never find anyone who loves me as much as he does, but I can't control my behavior and the way my mind thinks so negatively. Can someone offer SOME kind of advice that might've worked for you?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Something nobody else seems to have mentioned is the possibility of depression. Suspicion of loved ones is a common symptom. I know when I was having trouble, I suspected every single woman my fiance talked to.
If you have access to counselling, I would seriously suggest that you take the opportunity. There may be more serious underlying problems than just "Stay away from my man, woman!"
]
I used to do the exact same thing with my ex boyfriends. I'd constantly question them about who they talked to and question everything in my head like, "I wonder how he talks to girls, I wonder if he talks to girls in a flirty way." I'd wonder where they were and what they were doing, if they looked at other girls and would constantly question them about whether or not they thought other girls were hot. The truth is, asking questions like these only makes them hate you in the end and makes it less likely that they want to be with you or even around you. You just have to know that the way you feel about him, is the same way he feels about you. I doubt he wants to be with any other girls, so what if he has a friend who is a girl? I know, it sucks, trust me. Especially if that girl is pretty, you just have to be confident with yourself and until he does something shady, you have nothing to worry about. The only REAL way I can think of to tell if a guy is cheating is if he no longer "wants" you or wants to do "it" with you. If you used to do it all of the time, and now you only do it once in a while or randomly out of nowhere. Guys who do this tend to think "Oh, crap. I wonder if she'll start to notice" and then offer to have sex.
Good luck, and I doubt you have anything to worry about if he truly cares about you.
]
I am going to take a stab at this question. I don't know how helpful my answer will be though.
I am going to guess that you have been in a relationship before where someone has cheated on you. Either that or maybe you have been close to someone who has had that happen. Razhie has given you some good advice, she is one adviser whose advice I trust & respect. Therapy may help, I don't know.
The truth of the matter is that even someone, who you know in your heart would never hurt or cheat on you...can. When it happens it can totally devastate you. You are left not knowing what if anything another guy says to you is true. Whats he not saying? Is he lying by omission? You tend to question every single solitary thing he says or does. Its a sad result of being totally blindsided by one you trust with your heart. You don't want to feel and act that way. But hey, look what happened last time you trusted. I may have it all wrong but it sure does sound familiar. :)
I'm afraid like all things it takes time. You can and will get over it. Like Razhie said therapy could help. If not with all things then with some things. Mainly you just have to learn to put bad memories behind you and move on. All the questioning of his whereabouts and worry about what he may be up to isn't going to change things in the end. When you give your heart to anyone you are open to being hurt by that person. If they are important enough to you, you just have to trust anyway and risk being hurt.
Time kiddo. Just takes time. When you start feeling that way just remind yourself he hasn't done anything & trust him.
]
Get some therapy and try a whole lot harder.
There is no magic trick. You know what you are doing is completely wrong, so you need to stop doing it.
There is no insecurity chew gum to help you quit nagging like you might stop smoking. There is no physical aid. All there is to solve this problem, is what you give yourself.
So give yourself this:
Go to therapy, even just for a month or two, to get some personalized, professional advice on dealing with your negative thoughts.
Keep yourself busy when you are faced with these obsessive concerns. Pick up a craft, or a book, or a game, even bake something.
Don’t make it your boyfriend’s job to make you feel better. Don’t make it his job to reassure you, through constant phone calls or checking in. Make it your job to handle your negatively, and only occasionally ask him for help with your attempts.
Apologize when you realize you’ve behaved badly.
STOP giving yourself permission or excuses. It doesn’t matter why you do this. We aren’t defined by every bad thing that ever happened to us to make ourselves insecure or negative, we are defined by how we handle these issues and treat others. So no more “I’ve always had a negative mind!” from now on the mantra is this “I’ve been very negative in the past. Now I’m working on trusting the people I love and being positive.”
I know this advice is seems harsh. It IS harsh. You aren’t a kiddo here, and I won’t baby you. You are an adult woman who can and should hold herself to a higher standard then she is at the moment. Set that standard, and work towards it. Along the way, get some professional help if you can.
]
More Questions: |