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Boyfriend and his ex
Just come vital information: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. I just recently lost my virginity to him. Things have been really good, and I love him.
We both have separate lives. We like it that way. My friends, and his both consist of guys and girls-- even if we've dated them.
He called me earlier today, asking if he could go visit one of his friends in college for the weekend. She goes to Boston, which is about 4 hours from me. She made it very clear that me coming with him was out of the question. She says they haven't spent much time with each other, and that she has the right to spend the weekend with him. But I don't like this.
I'm not typically a jealous girl, especially with him. But he lost his virginity to her. I'm afraid that even with full trust in our relationship, the chances of feelings regenerating with the two of them is always possible. Therefore, I want to tell him I don't want him to go, but also don't want to come off clingy.
Am I being insecure?.. or do I have a clear argument here?
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You've got a clear argument. The key here from my perspective (and I'm a guy) is that the ex herself clearly stated that you weren't "allowed" to come. Not preferred, but straight up allowed.
If that's accurate, then she gave herself away. Whether she's planning on acting like it, she clearly wants you out of the way and him to herself. Even subconsciously, she has intentions. Even if she doesn't like you, the added "She has the right" is bullshit. No, she doesn't. She's his ex, she's got shit all for rights.
My direct advice, you need to tell him point blank that you do not want him to go. Whether that goes further into "as far as I'm concerned, you're not allowed to go" is up to you.
Personally, I would allow it. But I would allow it specifically because I have zero doubts about my relationship to the point that I know my wife would call me to pick her up, or otherwise immediately leave if she spent time with an Ex and he tried anything. I know that anyone who makes advances towards her is going to experience (possibly violent) rejection, without the slightest doubt in my mind. 5 years together and married for 6 months can do that though.
I don't know you, your guy, or your relationship. I can say that you're fully justified in not wanting him to go, especially for an entire weekend. I doubt he's staying in a Motel, either.
She has designs. The way she's acting is too cliche, she sounds like she's missing what she lost and wants it back. In your position, I wouldn't allow him to go, not for the weekend alone. Make it clear to him that its not because you don't trust him (even though you don't entirely) but rather you don't trust her, and even if he tells her to back off the thought of her trying to push herself on him and get back with him is not something you want to deal with.
Part of being in a serious relationship is respecting your partner by not putting yourself in situations where people are coming onto you. Especially not ex girlfriends you've slept with before and plan to spend a weekend with.
As a way of compromise, ask him if the ex would be alright with you coming, and the two of them getting alone time to hang out during the day or something. Its Boston, you can explore or go shopping or go to a museum or something and then the two of you can go back to a motel at night, and the three of you can hang out together a bit as well.
If she's violently opposed to that idea, you've got your answer. She wants him alone and she wants you out of the way and inaccessible, where he can't get up and leave to go be with you if she makes advances and he rebuffs them.
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I don't think you are being insecure at all.
Its good that you guys have trust in your relationship but you aren't being naive about things. The way you said she put things didn't sit right with me at all. So I can only imagine how it makes me you feel.
"...she has the right to spend the weekend with him", that may be true BUT you have the right to say no. If him leaving 4 hours away to be with some other girl, friend or not, makes you uncomfortable then please tell him. You need to be open with your boyfriend about this, I'm sure he'll understand. Apparently he must not have thought it was all good if he asked you for permission. Don't hold your tongue on this because believe me, it will turn you into a paranoid wreck that weekend he is gone.
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You are being insecure.
This girl sounds like she was a bit abrupt in the way she spoke to you, a bit rude maybe. (What was she even doing talking to YOU about this. Him visiting her in between him and her. She didn't need to tell you that you weren't invited did she really? Sounds like a bit of Drama-Seeker to me..)
However, it is true that HE has the right to spend the weekend with an old friend (she doens't have any rights, silly girl, HE has a right to choose her company or not) and since you otherwise have a healthy relationship based on trust, I don't see any reason for you allow her poor communication style to change that.
The simple truth is that a person who wants to cheat, will, and a person who doesn’t, wont.
Exes are no more or less threatening then some random girl off the street, if you have a partner who you know to be loyal.
“The chances of feelings regenerating with the two of them is always possible” is technically true, but it’s true in EXACTLY the same way the statements that “The chances of him falling madly in love with that cute girl at Starbucks is always possible” is technically true.
Neither issue is worth you spending your time worrying about.
Take your own personal baggage off this issue: Not everyone feels an intense contention with their first sexual partner. I don’t. Most of the people I know actually had much more powerful relationships AFTER their first sexual partner. So don’t project your new found intimacy and closeness with him, on their past relationship. That isn’t fair, and it can easily cloud your judgement.
Don't tell him you 'don't want him to go'. He's entitled to going.
Do tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable and insecure about this particular visit. Ask for his reassurance and comfort to help you handle your insecurities. Accept and let him know that you've accepted that he will go, but be honest about your negative feelings about it, and ask for his understanding (not that he change his behavoir of going, just that he is patient and sympathic with your behavoir of being insecure).
That isn't about not being clingy, it's about being respectful of his freedom to choose, as well as being honest about your feelings.
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