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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Okay well me and my boyfriend just made a year on december 4th . And we haven't been a going out anywhere since the summer . And brought me perfume on our anniversary but before that he hasn't got me anything since september .we haven't been going 2 the movies or out to eat or anything . I just been goin to his house to chilll. Do you think im being a little to greedy of wanting things . I mean cuz I dnt mind going to his house but I like to do other things besides cuddling up and watchin t.v at his house I think im worth more then that . I feel there is other ways to show that you love someone.so I just want to know am I being greedy . Or should I tell him he needs to make some changes if he wants us to last any longer
The Answer
I'm confused why you don't make some changes. Like, some plans maybe.
You are being greedy if you are expecting him to always pay for dinner, or the movies. After a year togeather, you two have a partnership and you should be able and willing to say "Dude, I think we'd both like that movie! Let's go!"
You both need to make some changes. You can go first. In fact, you'll make it easier for him to change if you pave the way, and let him know what you expect and want, by going after what you expect and what you want yourself.
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The Question
this is not just your typical "my in laws drive me crazy" situation. my father-in-law (who by the way is a pastor) was always controlling in his marraige, family, then when i came around, with me. control isnt the only problem. he always said i wasnt good enough for nathan so he talked about me to everyone else and tried (actually succeeded) in making a bad name for me so i would be hated. he forced sex with his wife when she was extremely sick with cancer, abused her, cheated on her, molested his daughter,said i was a whore for wearing jeans & swimming in a 2 piece bathing suit, wouldnt allow us to go on a date to the movies together because it appears to be evil, steals from his children, and actually came out and said they were a curse to him because they were having a hard time accepting him wanting to marry another woman after only losing their mother 2 months prior. the list goes go on & on. what makes everything even worse is they try to make everyone believe theyre this perfect christian family. after trying for a long time to start a family with no luck, i finally got pregnant but had a misscariage 2 a month & a half later. hurt and dissappointed, i also find out that a rumor is going around that i probably had an affair, got pregnant and had an abortion. i finally had enough! i love my husband and im trying to understand this IS his family and no matter how i feel he loves them.he wants to spend time with them but i dont want to. he thinks i should get over everything that was done to me and at least try to build a relationship with them. everytime in the past i tried for my husband..i got hurt! after 4 years of this i say enough is enough! am i wrong? MY IDEA-support him in his decision to continue a relationship with them but for him to understand i dont have to be around them or to be put in another situation like that again. HIS IDEA-for me to move on and eventually have them be in my life because they are his family am i wrong? should i just get over it and try to make him happy? our marriage is on the line.. please help me
The Answer
You need to come to a bit better compromise between your two ideas.
So long as he maintains a relationship with his father, you will be as well. That's part of being married. Even if you never speak to the man again, you still have a relationship with him. Cutting off ties completely, without your husbands support, is not a valid option.
So meet him half way and determain how much contact you can deal with. If you visited before and stayed overnight, perhaps now you want to get a hotel room, so you have a pace to escape too. If you used to spend a whole Saturday there, can you only go for dinner? If your visits have often been two times a week, perhaps you could say you will only go once a week, and if your husband wants to go more, he's on his own.
Of course you can have some dealbreaker rules, but discuss these with your husband and have a united decision about how you will deal with them.
Things like Name-calling: If someone starts calling someone else, anyone else, slut or whore or any other kind of nasty name, you should both agree to leave. Firmly and polietely, but leave the situation that is not acceptable to you.
Talk about this with your husband and come up with come really concert examples of behavoir from his father that you, as a couple, can no longer tolerate, and that you will leave if it happens. Be ready to compromise on this, because of course he might have less deal-breakers than you, but if you can get him on board with just a few of the bigs ones, and teach him to remove himself when those lines are crossed, it will have a huge impact on how his family treats him and you. Acting as a united couple, will get you more respect as a couple.
Remember that respecting someone doesn't just mean "You do what you want and I'll do what I want." You'll need to achieve a better balance between what you need to stay sane, and what he needs to stay sane. Start this discussion with him with an eye to compromise, and a real willingness to be his partner in this, not a absentee or a victim.
It's not about 'getting over it' or making him happy. It's about being an active part of the solution and recongizing his need to have his wife involved in his extended family life is clearly very important to him. This does not need to be giving in, this can be taking charge of the kinds of relationships you have. Some people are just evil, but we don't get to put them to the stake, literally or metaphorically. We have to be strong and loving in the face of it.
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The Question
It's so embarassing. My mom's old, 63 with grey hair. And I am 13 years old. I have a brother whose 27 years old. My frends keep asking me "Oh, thats a really big gap between you and you brother. Why is that?" Its so embarassing. I feel bad.
The Answer
Nothing to do but get over it.
Families come and shapes and sizes and arrangments. You only get one family too. Worrying about what other people think of them will only make you upset, and you can't change their ages, or other people's stupidity.
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The Question
i had sex with my girl and sperm entered through the entrance of the vagina but the penis did not penetrate the hymen.can the girl be pregnant?
The Answer
Yes. If semen entered the vagina it is possible, even if she is virgin, it is possible. It doesn't require penetration, or a broken hymen to happen.
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The Question
15/f
he's 18 in a month, i just turned 15. i went to his house and we were fooling around. he never forced anything on me so when i suddenly yelled no and wait and he did it anyway i...well it hurt...and then i went numb. afterwards i couldn't walk and my voice was shaking and my entire body trembling. i tried getting away but somehow my legs gave out. then he realized what he did and apologized over and over again. i said it was ok....he wants to meet next saturday. after he did it my entire body was trembling and i was breathing so hard i couldn't cry. i was just.....idk. i know it was my fault for not being more assertive. but i didn't expect him to. he knew i didn't want to and apologized afterwards saying he was sorry for forcing me. it was all my fucking fault and i don't know what to do now. we were safe. but he wants to meet this saturday and i know nothing good can come of it and he'll just do it again. it's fucked up, but even though i feel traumatized...i'm tempted to go back. what's wrong with me? i know i don't want it so why is my body telling me to? i'm not a masochist. what's wrong with me? i should be weary of my abuser yet i'm drawn to go back. am i just fucked up? help me please. i don't know what to do.
The Answer
It isn't your fault.
No matter how much you feel like it is, it never will be your fault. You are the one who is hurt, you are the victim.
He raped you. It is his fault and he knows it. He knew you said no. He knew you didn't want too. He didn't check, he didn't stop, for a least a little while, he didn't care what you wanted or thought. He just did what he wanted.
It's his fault, completely and utterly. He could have helped it. He could have stopped. He is not an idiot or an animal: He choose to rape you. It's nice that he is sorry. It doesn't change what he did. A person might be sorry for causing a car accident and killing people, it doesn't change the fact it was their fault and people are dead. Nothing changes the fact that he raped you and it's his fault.
It's okay to to have really conflicted, fucked up feelings. It's even okay to feel guilty, and confused. But you can get past those feelings. You've already taken the first step by reaching out for help here!
Don't see him again, and please, please, find some adult you can tell. You need help. And you can get help to sort out these scary and damaging thoughts.
You can read someone elses story here of recovering from this here, sometimes that really helps.
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/escaping-hades/story-of-a-rape-survivor/menu-id-807/
Also, there is an online, or phone hotlink, from RAINN, where you can talk for free, and completely anonymously to someone who understands what you are going through, and is trained to help.
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline
It's not your fault and you can get past it, but it takes time and lots of support. Please, reach out and get the help you need.
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The Question
I am a 20yr old female.
I fell in love with a married man who is 44. I am not a fan of cheating but he and his wife merely coexist in the same household. Well, we have continued our relationship regardless of the fact that we both think it is wrong. I can't help my feelings and neither can he.
#1- can it work?
#2- ways to make it work?
#3- I think I'm pregnant. What the heck do we do?!
We are financially stable and willing to raise this baby together but he has a son my age and a wife who is clueless about us. I'm so lost. Experiences? Advice? Thanks guys!
The Answer
#1 As a romantic, successful, long-term partnership. No, probably not. Sorry, it's just realistically, if he's married and you are both doing this knowing it's wrong, then it's not actually 'working' right now. It's the opposite of successfully working. He is lying to his wife. He's not actually with you in any concrete, public or committed way. Add to that the age difference and his obvious problems with commitment and honesty... The outlook is not great.
Don't assume the fire alarm is working just because you haven't burned down the house yet...
Can it work to make a babies life not miserable if you are in fact pregnant. Well, it damn well better, now hadn't it?
#2 Him coming clean with his wife and seeking a divorce is pretty much the only decent first step to making anything actual work between the two of you. It would also be the only decent first step to ANYTHING at all, if you are in fact pregnant.
#3 Take a pregnancy test as soon as you are able, and then tell him immediately.
The thing about being the other woman, is that you are in a pretty powerless position. The ball is completely in his court, to decide how much, if at all, he wants to be with you, and in what capacity. If you have his child, his choices with the baby are a bit more limited, but it doesn't mean he'll be with you.
So, talk to him about how to make this work. Define what 'working' means to you. Does it mean you got on seeing eachother behind his wife's back? Or does it mean he divorces her and marries you?
Be clear with what you want, and expect the same from him. Don't believe his words. Believe his actions.
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The Question
I'm with this guy, and he's pretty much amazing, hasn't made me feel better then any guy. ever. Things are going great, when we're together. Many things keep us apart.
Having to do with his mom, who is a alcoholic/drug addict, and always wants total control over him. He's almost 17 yrs. old. Has a curfew of 9p.m. or sooner all the time. She always wants him to do stuff for her. No matter what. And she loves me, she thinks I'm a sweetheart and is happy he found me. Just seems she doesn't care so much that we are together. All she cares about is money, herself, and everything surrounding her own life. And marrying a massive old man for his money.
On top of that, him and I got wasted last night. I mean wasted. And he was with me, his mom said it was alright he stayed the night and such. I saw text messages from his "soon to be sister" that's 17. And she flirts like crazy with him! Stuff like, oh sweetie I'm gonna get you this for christmas;)" Just a bunch of flirting and stuff, and it upset me. Because that's absolutely wrong! She has a boyfriend on top of that too. And she's just flirting with my boyfriend insanely. It made me a bit upset. I mean you can't blame me, right?
Well anyways, I texted her and my exact words were polite and courteous: " Hey this is Annabelle, i heard you been flirting with my boyfriend, and i find that really wrong if you are, look i have no problem with you, and i'm just asking, but if you are please stop, and thank you." exact words.
5 min. later his mom CALLS. Not me. My boyfriend. She says you need to get home now, I'm coming to get you. I heard every word. She said if your girlfriend wants to be a smart ass. I can be a bitch. I was like OMG. What did I do? I started bawling my eyes out, then she started accusing us of being drunk, and I apologized to her and everything. She just kept saying more things that were out of line. And she was drunk herself!! So I drank more, so much more, and passed out to the ground. I was done with. Just everything was incredibly messed up because of me. It's all my fault. So now, my boyfriend's mom made him go to the cop shop get a breathalizer and stuff. He got a minor consumption. Got his phone taken away.
Haven't talked to him for 2 days now. EVERYTHING is ruined. His mom is insane. Literally. I am so stuck, I don't know what to do. Never felt like this before. I'm so confused, I need him. It's all my fault. Someone please help me. Thank you.
The Answer
You are already blaming yourself for what you did hun. That should be a good hint that, no matter how crazy or flirty anyone else was in the this problem, you also didn't handle it too well.
It is never polite and courteous to accuse someone of flirting with your boyfriend. There is really not an okay way to do that. That is always an accusation, no matter how much you are 'just asking' and it is always asking for trouble.
If this ever happens to you again, the correct thing to do is tell your boyfriend you expect HIM to put an end to it. You expect HIM to tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and that it must stop. Imagine how much better, and less dramatic it would have been, if your boyfriend had told her “Hey, that's cool. But I got to tell you, when you are saying things like 'sweetie' and stuff it sounds like you are flirting with me and makes me really uncomfortable. I know we're gonna be family soon and I want it all to be cool, so I just want to get it out there and ask you to stop being like that, 'cause I'm just not okay with it.”
If he had been the one to give her this message, not only would she probably have been so ashamed she would have stopped, she might have even apologized to him for crossing those lines.
Always remember this: If you have a problem with the way someone is treating your partner, your job is to empower and encourage your partner to stand up for the way they want to be treated, NOT to get in the middle of it.
So yes, you messed up and stirred up some drama you didn't need too, but now you know how to handle it next time right? So, deep breath. Let that part of it go.
Now, for the current problem with his mom:
She's fucking crazy.
I mean, you already know that, but with a clear head now really accept it: She's nuts.
She was going to flip out, at some point, about some thing. You can't control what crazy shit is going through her mind now. It's probably best you don't even try. You know that she is completely selfish and self obsessed, and probably took your criticism of this girl as a personal attack against her marrying her father ('cause, as far as she is concerned, everything is all about her, and what she wants).
The best, and maybe only thing you can do is to write a short note of apology. All you have to say is this:
Dear Crazy Lady*
I'm really sorry about what happened that night and I want to apologize to you. I know I was out of line and I could have handled things way better then I did. I just want you to know that I appreciate how supportive you've been my relationship with your son and I'm willing to work really hard to show you that I can behave better in the future.
(*except use her actual name)
Keep it short and simple. Don't demand to speak to your boyfriend. He's a minor living in her house, it's up to her when he gets privileges back. Just apologize to her.
This might not be magic. It might not work. But at least you will have done the best thing you could do. In the meantime, try to be patient. Either she'll come around a bit, or she wont. If she doesn't, then it falls on your boyfriend to stand up for what he wants. And you can't control what either of them do, all you can do it the best you can do, and wait.
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The Question
I think I am being pressured into sex.. I have a boyfriend who just wants to have sex sex sex sex sex SEX!! and I am getting tired of telling him no! I am too young I am only 14(8months). we been together only 7 months and all he ever ask about is sex sex and more sex.. what do i do??? I feel he is not going to respect me if do manage to have sex with him after a while....
I NEED HELP !
Im NOT readyy!!!
-Jay Help!
The Answer
Tell him to stop or you'll dump him.
If he doesn't stop: Dump him.
If you really like the guy, then be honest and let him know that you are absolutely not ready and if he doesn't stop pestering you for sex that it will mean the end of your relationship.
If you don't like him all the much, don't even warn him, just dump his sorry ass.
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The Question
Okay,
So If I am a graduate of a university, does it mean that I've completed my masters.... Because otherwise woudn't you be a undergraduate of a certain university.....
Because I'm trying to figure out how old this guy is and he's a "graduate of BU 2009"
Thank you
The Answer
You can be a graduate of high school.
You can be a graduate of kindergarten.
You can be a graduate of an undergraduate program.
You can be a graduate of a master’s program.
I know it's a bit confusing because we do sometimes use the word both ways. Doing 'graduate work' means doing work at the masters level, but being a graduate can be the successful competition of pretty much any kind of program, even non-academic ones. You might have heard someone say of a small child that they “graduated from a crib to a bed.” It’s still an okay way to use the word.
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The Question
im 16/f
hes 20/m
im 6 & 1/2 months pregnant.
(please dont start with the 'if hes such an asshole why are you having a kid with him?' or 'you brought this upon yourself'. obviously i know this)
im having my ex's baby. id really rather not have him around because hes manipulative, controlling, aggressive, & unpredictable. another reason is because hes been selling drugs lately, smoking weed all day everyday, & the people he hangs out with, i dont want my kid around them.
usually i wouldnt have a problem with smoking weed but if hes going to be handling my kid, plus with other people around it just sounds bad.
my parents & i have decided to make him fight to see the baby. based on what hes said, he thinks that hes going to have the baby half the time, so hes gonna get a house before she comes and etc... I DONT WANT THIS AT ALL. does anyone know anything that could help me have full custody over the baby, or he (if at all) has to be supervised by me when he visits her ?
he has assault & kidnapping charges, would this possibly keep him from seeing the child ?
thanks !
The Answer
This is the important thing you MUST understand:
He has parental rights. Until you go to the court and officially have those rights taken away, he has got them.
It doesn’t matter how awful you know he is, until you make it official and legal, he’s got those rights.
So, make it official and legal ASAP.
Don’t start denying him everything until you've got the courts to back you up on it. Some judges won’t look kindly on you and your parents if you start denying him any access at all without taking the official route. Remember these rights aren’t all about him, your child also has the right to know their father, unless there is a VERY serious reason to deny that.
Given what you've said of him here (plus the age difference!) it probably won’t be too hard to have him restricted to supervised visitation. That isn’t so much about making him fight, that's about allowing the child to know their father, without being put in a position where the father could behave in a really determental way. The more receptive you are to allowing surprised visits (on you and your parent’s terms of course!) the more favourably the court will look on you.
I know you said you understand that this was your mistake and choice, but understand this as well: It means you’ll probably never be completely free of this guy, and as horrible as he might be, you do your child a disservice to deny them all access to their dad. So bear it with nobility, and make his participation in the child’s life only as much as he is capable of handling responsibly. Don’t let hate or spite get into it. Being at least decent to the father of your child should be part of the way you express love for your child and work to make that child's life as stres-free and full as possible. If he can handle surpervised visitation without having any serious negative effect on the child, then he does deserve that and so does your baby. If he can handle the odd overnight visit as the child ages, don't resent him for it, just keep your eyes very open for things you should bring to the attention of a court, and be willing to step in if he fucks up.
Contact a family lawyer or a support network for pregnant young women. They’ll be able to advise you and your family on how to seek primary custody in the clean and official way. Get the ball rolling on it now, and you’ll be in a better place to lay down the ground rules for him when the child is born.
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The Question
Well, We have been together for 5 years and got married in November. He has been depressed since a week after the wedding.I think he is upset because I cant perform the sexual acts that he wants. He wants me to be with a girl so bad that if I dont "go out" with girls he will be silent for days.A week after the wedding it was all he talked about. I am quite a homebody. He is 45, I am 32. The fact is, I will never sleep with a girl. It was a thing of fantasy for us. He went as far as to text a girl from my phone for a coffee date yesterday behind my back and I cancelled, He is really dpressed now. And of course, everything is my fault. He downloads tons of porn,I have found 3 videocameras around my house, I know he is a sex addict,but he is in denial and wont get help. What do I do??Up until our wedding things were pretty great! He told me that he knows i am to "old" to be with a girl tonight and said young girls would do it. I think I am doomed. I am a very attractive woman I am not old, and very devoted to only him.He always makes comments that nobody wants him enough for him to cheat on me. I am so lost. HELP!
The Answer
As everyone else has said: Run Far. Run Fast.
This man's expectations of you, and of marriage, are unfair and extremely abusive. He is treating you horribly, has no respect for you as a person or for your privacy, and is willing to guilt, shame and bully you into getting his way.
He behaves like a sociopath. Completely selfish, abusive and apparently without remorse.
Using your phone to push you into a meet up you do not want is immoral and cameras around the house are just flat out illegal.
Please, get out of the house, or have him removed. Now. Before this behaviour escalates.
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The Question
Should I invite my family to my sweet 16? Well of course my mom's invited 'cause she planned the whole thing. I have a 7-year old sister and her dad who I really don't like. I have an aunt, her boyfriend and an uncle. Should I have to invite all of them? Its just an ordinary party. Sweet 16s are not really a super big deal where I'm from.:) Thanks. xo
The Answer
Ask your Mom.
She'll know who would be upset if they aren't invited and who'll be cool. Make your choice based on her opinion and advice, and your own wishes.
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The Question
i dont eat alot (just coffe with regular milk and celery and chicken for dinner)
my fingertips feel very cold like as though i put iceyhot on them.
why is this?
The Answer
Well, if you aren't eating enough, then your body doesn't have enough energy to warm the furthest parts of your body (like finger and toes).
If the cold seems connected to your 'not eating alot' plan, you are probably not eating enough.
Oh, and if you are already not giving your body enough to run on, I hope you are drinking decaf coffee and not using caffine to up yourself insteed of actual food. If you are doing that, cold fingers will quickly become the least of your problems. Try drinking decaf with dinner at very least. Dinner is pretty late for a caffine buzz.
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The Question
i have a little sister and shes year younger than me, sometimes we get along but there's this times were shes really rude and disrespectful to me like she calls me all kinds of names when i do something wrong and she acts like shes older than me, i try to talk to her about how shes acting but all she says is "i dont care" "whatever" and she refuse to listen to what i have to say. She's also disrespectful to my mom at times too, im very senstive and im too nice so i dont really know what to do and when i get mad at my sister im the one who end up getting in trouble, i ask my friend to talk to her for me but my friend says i should be the one to do it but i dont know how to deal with this she told me to be strong but i just dont know how..and she has something against me so if i argue with her she might tell my mom my secret any advice?
The Answer
Respect isn't an automatic thing, especially not from a teenager.
Even if your sister really did respect you, it's understandable that as she grows and discovers herself and establishes her tastes and boundaries, she's going to be rude sometimes.
Talking to your Mom about this might be helpful.
But here are some key things to remember:
It's not your sisters job to always worry about you being sensitive. It's your job to decide when you are being too sensitive, and work on that, and when she has actually behaved in a way that is not okay, and talk to her about it.
It's not your job to stand up for your Mom. That's your Mom's job. Even if she is really bad at it, resist the urge to run to her defense. She's an adult. She can handle it, and if she doesn't know how, she has to learn. That's what it means to be Mom. Your job is to stand up for you.
Don't whine and complain. Don't wail “You DON'T respect me!”
That doesn't MEAN anything. That doesn't tell her what to do differently.
When you do talk to your sister, be VERY precise about what she did wrong. Don't be vague. And follow up with how it makes you feel and what you'd rather she do. Like this:
“Mary, when you cut me off it like that it really hurts my feelings. I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me finish what I was trying to say.”
That isn't a magic trick. It might not get what you want from her. But it is completely honest, and it shows her the kind of respect and honesty you want her to give you.
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The Question
There's one thing I don't understand about college.
They say that, when it comes to admissions, they have a no-discrimination policy.
..but then they want diversity so badly that they are more willing to admit, say, a less-qualified black person than a well-qualified caucasian. Cornell, for example, admitted an african-american student with an 80ish average, no extracurrics, etc. and deferred an asian student with a 90ish average in my school. I'm not being racist, I just think admissions should be based on your academic bg, extracurriculars, essay, etc. and not your ethnicity.
Anyway, my question? What do you think about this? Do they even have a right to do this? I mean I know they have a right to pick who goes to their college but still. SHouldn't it at least be fair?
The Answer
I think you are a bit confused about what a nondiscrimination policy is.
It's not affirmative action, and it's not “We need X number of ethnic people in this damn school!”.
It's just what it says it is: It is the policy that says we WONT discriminate against you.So it's always good to read the policy, like this one from a Massachusetts College:
http://www.massart.edu/Admissions/Non-Discrimination.html
It says right there
“Application questions marked with an asterisk (*) are optional and used for summary reporting purposes to ascertain compliance with the college's guidelines only. These answers are not used as a basis for admission or in any discriminatory manner.”
You can keep reading if you'd like, for some more thoughts on applications, and why the student that appears 'best', might not actually be the best student for the program.
People often think, as you do, that a university should be taking just the people with the best resumes and grades. That's actually not always the case. Universities are also responsible for providing a service to their students, and part of that service is making sure that a class and a program is full of people from diverse backgrounds and paths. That isn't a racial. That is the way we best learn, it's by talking and discussing things with people who aren't all the same as us, and it's an integral part of a universities thinking, especially when it comes to smaller, or more advanced programs.
Imagine you were trying to create a class of 50 people to study Spanish History. Your top 50 people when it comes to grades all come from the SAME school. (They have some really great teachers there, and a whole bunch of them got inspired.) They all had the same teachers, all read the same book and all basically think the same way about the topic. Would you take them all in? Or would you take say, the 30 best of them, and then fill the rest of the program, with adult students who maybe don't have the same grades, but have work experience, or with people whose grades are less good, but Spanish is their first language. Or with surprising and unique people like an Asian American whose grades might be lower, but who wrote a passionate essay and traveled to Barcelona several times because they are so interested in this field of study.
Although those 50 students from the same school, might appear at first blush to be the 'most qualified' the school and the class isn't served well by allowing them all in. The school and the classroom will be more successful, interesting and varied, by admitting a variety of people with different experiences and interests.
Lets do another example. Say you have a first year program, that then splits off into three different specializations in second year. You know you only have a certain amount of room in each specialization, but your top 50 students are ALL interested in specialization #1. Well, obviously, that isn't going to work, people will be angry and disappointed in their second year and you can't change your curriculum and your teaching staff entirely because of that just for one year. Instead you will want to balance that group out a bit with students who you believe will like specialization #2 and #3 as well.
These things might not seem 'fair' to you, but don't you think it's also fair and sensible for the university to try and create a good learning environment and a successful and happy group of students who they know they can provide for?
I'd also be interested to see where you heard the report of the African American student vs the Asian American. In most cases I've heard of, it normally means these two student were apply to completely different programs. The African American might have been applying for a general BA, which has rather low requirements, and the Asian American to say, engineering, which would have some very high requirements and tough competition... Maybe they even were applying for the same thing! But the African American wrote a passionate essay and blew them away at the interview, whereas the Asian American was cooky and told them Cornell wasn't their first choice... Unless you know all the data, it's unfair to jump to conclusions.
I can't promise you that no university behaves the way that you fear. It might be. What I can promise you is that it is extremely unlikely and that universities have other reasons, like the ones I've mentioned above, for valuing diversity. There are watchdog groups watching admissions policies very closely and if a public university was seen to behave simply allowing 'X many of that-race people in' just 'cause, it would be disastrous for them. It would also probably make their programs suck! There are many reasons, besides ethical ones, to not behave this way. There are also many reasons, for the sake of all students and for the success of the university and learning environment to value and promote diversity. And 'diversity' doesn't always mean race.
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The Question
yeah your right i shouldent be bothered about his feelings but i did'nt use my husband to bullly him, i asked my husband not to message him but he did and when this guy replied saying he wasent interested and had just stoped talking to me because he suspected i was still with my husband i got mad he made out i had told him i was single all along,which was not true! he new i wasent single in the begining, i told this guy i was going to leave my husband after xmas (last year) which was not a lie at the time. it was only after this guy had told me things would be different if i wasent with my husband that i lied and said he had left ( i was playing him to see if this guy was telling the truth!) i went to the garage to buy a car, and to see if i got a reaction from him,he had no reason to approch me, but he did! and he lied about getting the credit for my husband because he did'nt, the credit hadent even gone through , another salesman dealt with it and but the credit through
The Answer
I simply can't believe that you are so stupid as to not realize your husband was going to confront this man if at all possible. Go ahead and tell yourself "I told him not too!" but no one is actually that clueless. You allowed and encouraged that degree of drama.
And you are STILL doing it, by showing up at his work and worrying about his behavior (which has been nothing but curiosity and an attempt at being polite to you, since he knows you are probably still seeking drama that could seriously damage him at his place of work!)
You aren't asking questions anymore, so I'm going to stop answering now. Please, go out into the world, and be different, be better. For your children's sake, if not for your own.
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The Question
i was at achool and my teacher took my phone away from me because i was texting. the policy is if a teacher takes it away you cant get it back for another 5 days. i did not want to go this long, because it was the weekend. so i had her email my "mom" because i said that my mom would not let me drive home without my phone. in reality i gave her my email address and used my friends phone to get on the internet and respond to my teacher pretending to be my mom. this happened about a month ago and for some reason im getting paranoid that i will get caught. do you think they can find out it wasnt really my mom ?
The Answer
Realistically, they probably already know.
There just isn't much they can do about it but call your mother and ask about it, but frankly, teachers have bigger fish to fry then you.
You've been saved because in a school of people who do really bad things, you just did a marginally bad thing, and no one has the energy to chase you down about it.
The only thing I can hope is that your paranoia and conscience keep you from doing this sort of thing again.
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The Question
What do i do?? I'm confused.
Question Posted Monday December 14 2009, 11:26 am
So I have this friend, who told me her crush. and she obviously told me her crush because she trusted me. well, one day, i accidentally slipped her secret. this guy asked me who my friend's crush was. and i told him. i did it for a lollipop. i was really hungry. I know this was really stupid of me. but i had to tell him.
My friend got to know that i told that guy about her crush...then my friend got really mad at me. she ignored me for about one month!! :(
i told her i was really sorry, i wont do it again.
today, we were playing truth or dare. and she had to tell us her mini crush. she didnt tell us because she didn't trust people..which was me! :(
i went to the bathroom, cried.
i was stupid to make that mistake. i got punished (being ignored for a month) but at least i learned, to keep her secrets!
today, she told people her crush except for me.
when she saw me crying, she's like "I think i better tell her who my crush is"
she wrote it on a piece of paper. and showed it to me. i didn't look. i told her i dont want to know.
I kinda know that she likes my crush!! :'( what do i do??? shes getting close to my crush!
and now, my friend and i are mad at each other..
well...its mainly because im ignoring her.
The Answer
Grow up.
Seriously.
This is what happened:
You screwed up.
She was mad at you.
You apologized.
She forgave you.
That part of it is over.
The fact you think she likes the same person you like is a totally seperate problem, and it's not even really a problem.
The guy you both like is free to choose who he wants to spend time with. If he wants to get closer to her, that isn't her fault! Sure, you might feel hurt, but you can't blame her for it. She can't control who she likes, and neither can he.
If you like him, make that known and tell him you want to hang out with him. That's the only thing for you to do about it.
That, and forgive your friend for something she can't help and that isn't her fault. Respecting and trusting someone means repsecting and trusting them even when what they want is at odds with what you want.
s
So, grow up. Stop ignoring her. She's tried to be nice and show you that she wants to be friends and trust you agian, and threw it back in her face! She gave you a chance by letting you in on a secret and you were rude to her. A good place to start fixing this would be to stop ignoring her and maybe even apologizing for not apperciating her attempt to include you agian.
Sitting around and being miserable and rude isn't going to make her magically not have a crush on this guy, but it will destroy your friendship.
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The Question
Hi,
shall i apologize to this guy i didnt realize my actions were that bad i thought he was a playa so acted in this manor. i didnt mean to push him away.
The Answer
Even if he was a player, the way you acted would still have been completely wrong.
You were used, but you also used him. And then when you got pissed with him you used your husband to embaress and confront him. Whatever wrong things he might have done to you, you bullied him, lied to him, invented drama when you didn't get your way and then shamed him.
So you got exactly what you deserved when he decided you weren't worth his time anymore. You weren't.
Go ahead and apologize for your actions. They were really low and you certainly have plenty to apologize for.
But don’t be stupid about it:
Just because you apologize doesn’t mean he’s going to speak to you again. That’s over. You two aren’t friends, and you shouldn’t be friends.
Frankly, you owe your husband a much bigger apology. I'm surprised you are so concerned with this man's feelings. This man who think is a player and who you feel used you. Why is he the one who gets all your thoughts and worries? I would suggest if you have any desire to make your marriage work, you simply forget about your affair, and devote all this energy you are wasting on it to earning your husband’s forgiveness.
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The Question
Hi,
i met this guy on facebook,i'm 39 hes 37, we chatted on line for a couple of weeks and he was txting me everyday, then we arranged to meet up(hes a photographer so offered to take my pics)he was charming and i got the impresion he really liked me. the next day he text me. in the evening my husband came home we wernt getting on to well he was shouting at me so i text this guy and arranged to go over there that night, we jumped straight in to bed but did'nt go all the way, he was texting me all the following week and we arranged to meet up again, the next time we met up we jumped straight in to bed with each other, he asked me if i was still sleeping with my husband and i said yes, after i felt he went cold on me making out he was on the phone to one of his friends and that they were coming round shortly so i said do you want me to leave he said no but he still seamed a little distant so i left, i messaged him on fb asking to meet up again and he said he was busy all week,i said is it because im still with my husband and he said no. i text him during the week asking him how he was and had no answer, so i text him are you not talking to me? he said he was just busy! well we arranged to meet up the following week(i was only going to get my photos but we ended up in bed again) then the same thing happened he did'nt text so i text him only to get i'm busy back so i deleted him from my facebook, but i couldent help liking him so i added him again, we arranged to meet up again, the night before we were surpose to meet he text me saying he couldent make it and could we meet the following day but i said no i was busy, then he kinda got funny so i deleted him again, but i still liked him so added him again. we finally aranged to meet up about 6 weeks later, i text him the day we were surpose to meet up and he said he had forgoten all about it and said he was ill and had been ill all week so i said i think your not that interested he said he did'nt say that and things would be different i wasent with my husband, so i got mad and deleted him again, i did'nt contact him for 3 weeks but couldent help to way i felt about him so i made contact with him again, i told him my husband and i had split, he messaged me about a week later some random txt saying hay its snowing and we kinda got txting again but only every few days, this went on for about 8 weeks then i sent him a friend request on fb and he excepted it, it was only a couple of days after that when he asked me to go over to his so i did (he said he didnt have long) we ended up in bed, after he asked me to stay but i said i couldent, then the same thing happened he didnt text but when i text him he replied, then after about a week i was getting that cold feeling again so i deleted him again,then afther a couple of hours i thought i like him so sent him a friend request with a message asking him to meet up again, he didn't reply, so my friend phoned him and he said i had to many male friends, then i went on fb to find he had sent me a message saying he just wanted to be friends i was deverstated and told him i was still with my husband,
i left it for a month and then messaged him again asking how he was, he replied, i keeped messaging him every few days and he replied this went on for a few weeks he never messaged me though, after a while i stoped messaging him,he never bothered to message me, then after about 8 weeks i bumped in to him in the swimming pool he said hello i ignored him and he said hello again so replied hello, i was with my husband and kids at the time, i left it for about 4 days then i told my husband i had slept with him. my husband messaged him and said he new what had been going on, the guy replied that he had been seeing me and that he had stopped talking to me because he suspected i was still with my husband but this guy new i was still with my husband i the beginig so i sent him a message telling him that he knew i was still with my husband and he just blocked me. so i sent him a txt calling him a lier and a user, and he said i'm the lier and cheater you rekon you cheated on your husband and to stop contacting him, i said you new i was with my husband in the begining and if that was a problem then you should have said you used me and good luck for the future, after a few weeks i went to buy a new car in the garage that he worked i ignored him and was flirting with another sales man, after a while he came over i didnt realize he was the manager he said to the salesman that he knew me for facebook and he sat down and made me fill out the form for the car, then he said that he didnt think my husband would want to deal with him so put us on to someone else, when i went in there again on my own he came over to me and told me he had cot the finance and that he had worked hard to get it for him, this wasent true! i dont undrestand why he bothered even coming over he didnt have to then every time i went in the garage he was watching me, now i'm really confused he hasent made any contact neither have i but i still like this guy what can i do?
The Answer
Grow up, and the next great guy you meet, be honest with him.
You've lost this guy. He's trying to be polite, but he was barely interested in you in the first place. A guy who is really into you doesn't forget about you for weeks at a time. Once he was confronted with the depth or your lies to both him and your husband, he couldn't even imagine being friends with you anymore.
You're behavior would have destroyed almost all affection any sane man might have had for you. Unless he is absolutely nuts (and his silence implies he isn't) he's over you. His staring now is simply curiosity and resentment.
Get some counseling so you can learn to behave better in the future. You are far too old to behave with so little respect for the feelings of those around you. And get a divorce so you don't have to rely on lies when you meet someone you want to pursue something with.
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