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Just Got married 5 weeks ago, things are bad.. help!
Well, We have been together for 5 years and got married in November. He has been depressed since a week after the wedding.I think he is upset because I cant perform the sexual acts that he wants. He wants me to be with a girl so bad that if I dont "go out" with girls he will be silent for days.A week after the wedding it was all he talked about. I am quite a homebody. He is 45, I am 32. The fact is, I will never sleep with a girl. It was a thing of fantasy for us. He went as far as to text a girl from my phone for a coffee date yesterday behind my back and I cancelled, He is really dpressed now. And of course, everything is my fault. He downloads tons of porn,I have found 3 videocameras around my house, I know he is a sex addict,but he is in denial and wont get help. What do I do??Up until our wedding things were pretty great! He told me that he knows i am to "old" to be with a girl tonight and said young girls would do it. I think I am doomed. I am a very attractive woman I am not old, and very devoted to only him.He always makes comments that nobody wants him enough for him to cheat on me. I am so lost. HELP!
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Help? You want Help? Here it is:
You're a good looking 32 year old woman who just married a 45 year old sex addict. He tries to manipulate you into a sex act that you are uncomfortable with by throwing your age in your face and then mopes around laying on a guilt trip about not being attractive enough to cheat on you, and you're saying that after 5 years together this behavior started a week after the wedding?
Look, truthfully it seems like there's piece missing here. You say that his 3-way fantasy was a thing of fantasy for both of you? Was it also a promise that you made in hopes of getting him to marry you? If not, then what led him to think that this was something that you would entertain? you state that you are 100% against ever having an experience with another woman, which you have every right to do, but I find it hard to believe that after 5 years, you only began to breach this topic a week after the wedding. So it boils down like this: either you misled him into thinking that your married life together would include (or regularly include)a 3-way with another woman
OR
your husband has some kind of personality disorder (look up BPD and NPD and see if they fit). Control and manipulation issues of this nature are a huge RED FLAG, and that means DANGER. I hate to tell you what you don't want to hear, but you should know this already and if you were sitting in front your daughter hearing the same story from her, you'd want to tell her what I'm telling you right now:
Give your husband an ultimatum, get help or get out. If you need to be the one to leave, then tell him you're leaving unless he gets it together. This behavior is indicative of huge psychological issues and its pretty suspect that it didn't surface until after you were officially and legally tied to the man. Call me a skeptic or what you will, 5 weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime with a manipulative, videotaping sex addict. There may already be videos of you performing intimate acts on the internet. You're looking at a lifetime of controlling and amoral behavior, my personal advice is simply GET OUT NOW. If you can't bring yourself to do so, examine why not and any self esteem issues that are keeping you from doing so, issue an ultimatum and stick to it. He'll probably offer to go along with the program and then start back up with the behavior after he's decided he's got you fooled again. Being honest. And then you'll either have to leave or you'll knowingly enter a life with the guy that will resemble a living hell.
Don't know if you have kids but this is a good way to measure the situation:
Would you want this guy hooked up to your daughter?
Think about it.
AA
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im sorry but i dont think he is a sex addict... every man that i know would like to do something wild like that a three some... if you try to talk to him talk like he is a man... ask him what he wants and why he wants it communication in the main thing in a relationship... have sex its good for you...
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As everyone else has said: Run Far. Run Fast.
This man's expectations of you, and of marriage, are unfair and extremely abusive. He is treating you horribly, has no respect for you as a person or for your privacy, and is willing to guilt, shame and bully you into getting his way.
He behaves like a sociopath. Completely selfish, abusive and apparently without remorse.
Using your phone to push you into a meet up you do not want is immoral and cameras around the house are just flat out illegal.
Please, get out of the house, or have him removed. Now. Before this behaviour escalates.
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
My advice is that you should leave and seek an annulment. In all the time I have been writing here I have never given this type if advice. In your case I see a man who may be using the 13 year difference in ages to satisfy a sexual urge other then the fantasy you have written about. He has suppressed or hidden this urge from you during the past 5 years.
Are you in any type of danger? I’m not sure and frankly I believe the caution out ways the risk of finding out if your husband will become a danger to you. You could try marriage counseling, but I feel the problem your husband has is one that deals with a personality disorder and hard to fix through counseling.
People do not change just because they have married. I believe your husband married because he wanted to let his true side out and probably feels safer doing so being married. This is my opinion base on what you have written, I could be right, I could be wrong.
Being old enough to be your father, I have a son two years older than you, this is the advice I would be giving you if you were my daughter. I know it is hard to talk to ones parents about these things, especially sexual aspects of one’s marriage, but I would assume they know your husband were I and others on this site do not. You may want to confide in them and see what their feelings are and what they might suggest you do.
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Your husband is a 45 year old manchild, and you've just been introduced to issues that will continue for as long as you're willing to tolerate them.
He's emotionally blackmailing you to get his sexual fantasies fulfilled, its not healthy for either of you. He's withdrawing purposefully from you to get what he wants, which is extremely fucked up, and he's going so far as to insult you and compare you to a younger girl who might well allow him to have what he wants out of inexperience despite not wanting to.
You're 13 years younger than him, and he shot that low because he was hoping for one of those "younger girls who will do things he wants". He holds your fantasy up an expectation.
My wife is sitting behind me, and on her behalf I'll contribute the answer she feels most fits this question.
RUN
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Wow..!
Your husband does have issues! I think the best thing for you to do is take your husband to a counsellor. If he is making comments like 'no one wants him enough for him to cheat on you'
What if next week someone wants him enough?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself and whether or not your going to stick around in an unhappy marriage.
Sounds like you are devoted to him but if your not 'performing' his fantasies then he wont stick around. He needs to understand that you will not make his fantasy come true and he really needs to let it go or you will leave. This may become an eye opener for him and he might realise that what he is asking of you is not acceptable.
You are his wife now and he has a duty to you as a husband. This does not involve a 3rd person to give him the satisfaction he is after. If he doesn't think that your ability to perform is enough then he really needs to seek help. This will end up coming between you if the problem isn't resolved.
Everything I have said, i'm sure you already know. You need to take him to a counsellor and get this sorted before you are made to feel like your sexual ability is nothing.
Good luck. Hope I helped.
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You need to tell him that you will never be sexually involved with a woman and that you married him because you wanted to be monogamous. If the monogamy of marriage isn't sacred to him, then you never should have gotten married. It is also completely unacceptable for him to imply that he would cheat on you if anybody "wanted him". Tell him that if you and this marriage are really important to him, then he will get help; otherwise, leave the selfish fool!
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