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is there a happy medium?
this is not just your typical "my in laws drive me crazy" situation. my father-in-law (who by the way is a pastor) was always controlling in his marraige, family, then when i came around, with me. control isnt the only problem. he always said i wasnt good enough for nathan so he talked about me to everyone else and tried (actually succeeded) in making a bad name for me so i would be hated. he forced sex with his wife when she was extremely sick with cancer, abused her, cheated on her, molested his daughter,said i was a whore for wearing jeans & swimming in a 2 piece bathing suit, wouldnt allow us to go on a date to the movies together because it appears to be evil, steals from his children, and actually came out and said they were a curse to him because they were having a hard time accepting him wanting to marry another woman after only losing their mother 2 months prior. the list goes go on & on. what makes everything even worse is they try to make everyone believe theyre this perfect christian family. after trying for a long time to start a family with no luck, i finally got pregnant but had a misscariage 2 a month & a half later. hurt and dissappointed, i also find out that a rumor is going around that i probably had an affair, got pregnant and had an abortion. i finally had enough! i love my husband and im trying to understand this IS his family and no matter how i feel he loves them.he wants to spend time with them but i dont want to. he thinks i should get over everything that was done to me and at least try to build a relationship with them. everytime in the past i tried for my husband..i got hurt! after 4 years of this i say enough is enough! am i wrong? MY IDEA-support him in his decision to continue a relationship with them but for him to understand i dont have to be around them or to be put in another situation like that again. HIS IDEA-for me to move on and eventually have them be in my life because they are his family am i wrong? should i just get over it and try to make him happy? our marriage is on the line.. please help me
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You need to come to a bit better compromise between your two ideas.
So long as he maintains a relationship with his father, you will be as well. That's part of being married. Even if you never speak to the man again, you still have a relationship with him. Cutting off ties completely, without your husbands support, is not a valid option.
So meet him half way and determain how much contact you can deal with. If you visited before and stayed overnight, perhaps now you want to get a hotel room, so you have a pace to escape too. If you used to spend a whole Saturday there, can you only go for dinner? If your visits have often been two times a week, perhaps you could say you will only go once a week, and if your husband wants to go more, he's on his own.
Of course you can have some dealbreaker rules, but discuss these with your husband and have a united decision about how you will deal with them.
Things like Name-calling: If someone starts calling someone else, anyone else, slut or whore or any other kind of nasty name, you should both agree to leave. Firmly and polietely, but leave the situation that is not acceptable to you.
Talk about this with your husband and come up with come really concert examples of behavoir from his father that you, as a couple, can no longer tolerate, and that you will leave if it happens. Be ready to compromise on this, because of course he might have less deal-breakers than you, but if you can get him on board with just a few of the bigs ones, and teach him to remove himself when those lines are crossed, it will have a huge impact on how his family treats him and you. Acting as a united couple, will get you more respect as a couple.
Remember that respecting someone doesn't just mean "You do what you want and I'll do what I want." You'll need to achieve a better balance between what you need to stay sane, and what he needs to stay sane. Start this discussion with him with an eye to compromise, and a real willingness to be his partner in this, not a absentee or a victim.
It's not about 'getting over it' or making him happy. It's about being an active part of the solution and recongizing his need to have his wife involved in his extended family life is clearly very important to him. This does not need to be giving in, this can be taking charge of the kinds of relationships you have. Some people are just evil, but we don't get to put them to the stake, literally or metaphorically. We have to be strong and loving in the face of it.
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Okay...this is just my opinion, but I guess that's why you asked the question here, right?
First of all, let me say that when I read all the things about your father-in-law, I was shocked and thought, "Wow...what a guy!! NOT!!!" I honestly can see why you want nothing to do with him/them ever again!!! But...you have a husband that you love...and he loves his family, no matter what they are like. I believe that as his wife, you are his mate and have LIMITED obligation to have contact with his family. To me, that means major holidays (including father's day) and birthdays. If it were me, this is what I would tell my husband. But I would limit contact to those holidays. I think you have to have limited contact, but you don't have to become "best buddies" with him/them.
Just my humble opinion. Good luck.
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