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How can I explain to start this relationship?
I'm with this guy, and he's pretty much amazing, hasn't made me feel better then any guy. ever. Things are going great, when we're together. Many things keep us apart.
Having to do with his mom, who is a alcoholic/drug addict, and always wants total control over him. He's almost 17 yrs. old. Has a curfew of 9p.m. or sooner all the time. She always wants him to do stuff for her. No matter what. And she loves me, she thinks I'm a sweetheart and is happy he found me. Just seems she doesn't care so much that we are together. All she cares about is money, herself, and everything surrounding her own life. And marrying a massive old man for his money.
On top of that, him and I got wasted last night. I mean wasted. And he was with me, his mom said it was alright he stayed the night and such. I saw text messages from his "soon to be sister" that's 17. And she flirts like crazy with him! Stuff like, oh sweetie I'm gonna get you this for christmas;)" Just a bunch of flirting and stuff, and it upset me. Because that's absolutely wrong! She has a boyfriend on top of that too. And she's just flirting with my boyfriend insanely. It made me a bit upset. I mean you can't blame me, right?
Well anyways, I texted her and my exact words were polite and courteous: " Hey this is Annabelle, i heard you been flirting with my boyfriend, and i find that really wrong if you are, look i have no problem with you, and i'm just asking, but if you are please stop, and thank you." exact words.
5 min. later his mom CALLS. Not me. My boyfriend. She says you need to get home now, I'm coming to get you. I heard every word. She said if your girlfriend wants to be a smart ass. I can be a bitch. I was like OMG. What did I do? I started bawling my eyes out, then she started accusing us of being drunk, and I apologized to her and everything. She just kept saying more things that were out of line. And she was drunk herself!! So I drank more, so much more, and passed out to the ground. I was done with. Just everything was incredibly messed up because of me. It's all my fault. So now, my boyfriend's mom made him go to the cop shop get a breathalizer and stuff. He got a minor consumption. Got his phone taken away.
Haven't talked to him for 2 days now. EVERYTHING is ruined. His mom is insane. Literally. I am so stuck, I don't know what to do. Never felt like this before. I'm so confused, I need him. It's all my fault. Someone please help me. Thank you.
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Dearie it is so sad what you have said. I personally think you have every right to feel this way. Nothing was your fault hun. I really don't have any advice that will make this all better. I don't think many people do. I would suggest to ask for some expert help. I am very sorry. GOOD LUCK!!!!
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You are already blaming yourself for what you did hun. That should be a good hint that, no matter how crazy or flirty anyone else was in the this problem, you also didn't handle it too well.
It is never polite and courteous to accuse someone of flirting with your boyfriend. There is really not an okay way to do that. That is always an accusation, no matter how much you are 'just asking' and it is always asking for trouble.
If this ever happens to you again, the correct thing to do is tell your boyfriend you expect HIM to put an end to it. You expect HIM to tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and that it must stop. Imagine how much better, and less dramatic it would have been, if your boyfriend had told her “Hey, that's cool. But I got to tell you, when you are saying things like 'sweetie' and stuff it sounds like you are flirting with me and makes me really uncomfortable. I know we're gonna be family soon and I want it all to be cool, so I just want to get it out there and ask you to stop being like that, 'cause I'm just not okay with it.”
If he had been the one to give her this message, not only would she probably have been so ashamed she would have stopped, she might have even apologized to him for crossing those lines.
Always remember this: If you have a problem with the way someone is treating your partner, your job is to empower and encourage your partner to stand up for the way they want to be treated, NOT to get in the middle of it.
So yes, you messed up and stirred up some drama you didn't need too, but now you know how to handle it next time right? So, deep breath. Let that part of it go.
Now, for the current problem with his mom:
She's fucking crazy.
I mean, you already know that, but with a clear head now really accept it: She's nuts.
She was going to flip out, at some point, about some thing. You can't control what crazy shit is going through her mind now. It's probably best you don't even try. You know that she is completely selfish and self obsessed, and probably took your criticism of this girl as a personal attack against her marrying her father ('cause, as far as she is concerned, everything is all about her, and what she wants).
The best, and maybe only thing you can do is to write a short note of apology. All you have to say is this:
Dear Crazy Lady*
I'm really sorry about what happened that night and I want to apologize to you. I know I was out of line and I could have handled things way better then I did. I just want you to know that I appreciate how supportive you've been my relationship with your son and I'm willing to work really hard to show you that I can behave better in the future.
(*except use her actual name)
Keep it short and simple. Don't demand to speak to your boyfriend. He's a minor living in her house, it's up to her when he gets privileges back. Just apologize to her.
This might not be magic. It might not work. But at least you will have done the best thing you could do. In the meantime, try to be patient. Either she'll come around a bit, or she wont. If she doesn't, then it falls on your boyfriend to stand up for what he wants. And you can't control what either of them do, all you can do it the best you can do, and wait.
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