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non-judgemental advice
I am a 20yr old female.
I fell in love with a married man who is 44. I am not a fan of cheating but he and his wife merely coexist in the same household. Well, we have continued our relationship regardless of the fact that we both think it is wrong. I can't help my feelings and neither can he.
#1- can it work?
#2- ways to make it work?
#3- I think I'm pregnant. What the heck do we do?!
We are financially stable and willing to raise this baby together but he has a son my age and a wife who is clueless about us. I'm so lost. Experiences? Advice? Thanks guys!
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Let me just add to what Smartone and Razhie wrote. I too do not believe this man will leave his wife for you. You need to protect yourself and your child if you are pregnant.
My advice is that you find a good Family Law Attorney. You are going to need legally binding documents for the support of you and your child. If you talk to your boyfriend before you talk with the Attorney he will try and talk you out of it for one very good reason. Once you bring an Attorney into the picture he will be forced to tell his wife about his affair with you or she will find out once the legal papers are filed and his income or assets are attached to protect your child.
As a male I can tell you we generally think with two heads. Up to now he has been thinking with the one in his pants. Once you tell him you are pregnant the head between his shoulders will do the thinking and you will find yourself pregnant and without the financial help you are legally entitled too. See a lawyer as soon as you confirm you are pregnant.
In answer to your reply: You must secure the future for you and your unborn child. If he truly means what he is telling you then he will understand you wanting to have everything in writing and legal. If he balks at this and tries to talk you out of legalizing your security then you know he is not to be trusted and need to double your resolve to have the courts enforce the security your unborn child is entitled too.
If you do not know a lawyer call the Barr Association in your area for a referral.
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1. Sorry to say, but it may feel right now, but it won't in the ling run. If he is willing to give up his marriage now, what will he do to you later in life?
2. Talk to him about it, tell him how you feel it is very wrong.
3. Does he know your prego? Tell him. This might help end his current marriage.
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In the eyes of a 44 yr old man, you are a baby. I've been around long enough (57 yrs.) to have seen just about everything and, I will tell you up front, the odds that this guy is using you are great. The odds that he'll dump you are greater. The odds that you'll live happily ever after are slim to none.
#1. Can it work? (Not likely.)
#2. Ways to make it work. (Ask him if he intends to leave his wife considering their marriage is dead and you are pregnant with his child. Watch for every excuse in the world, ie, "My wife threatened to kill herself", "The time is not right", "My son would be devastated now, maybe after he finishes college", etc.)
#3. I think I'm pregnant. What the heck do we do? (Assuming their is a WE, you insist that he help you raise this child financially even if it means taking him to court OR you raise the child yourself.)
(WE ARE FINANCIALLY STABLE.) You must have a fabulous job to be financially stable at 20 yrs. old and thank God, because it's going to cost you a fortune to raise this child. Of course, when you say WE are financially stable, I assume you are including your own income in the WE. Because if it were just HE who was financially stable, then you would be in for some very rough times ahead, especially as this economy keeps going into the tank.
(WILLING TO RAISE THIS BABY TOGETHER.) We'll see.
In my opinion, he is having a midlife crisis and will come out of it. He may even leave his wife for a season, but he will return to her and he will leave you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I've seen this scenario play out many times before and always with the same outcome.
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#1 As a romantic, successful, long-term partnership. No, probably not. Sorry, it's just realistically, if he's married and you are both doing this knowing it's wrong, then it's not actually 'working' right now. It's the opposite of successfully working. He is lying to his wife. He's not actually with you in any concrete, public or committed way. Add to that the age difference and his obvious problems with commitment and honesty... The outlook is not great.
Don't assume the fire alarm is working just because you haven't burned down the house yet...
Can it work to make a babies life not miserable if you are in fact pregnant. Well, it damn well better, now hadn't it?
#2 Him coming clean with his wife and seeking a divorce is pretty much the only decent first step to making anything actual work between the two of you. It would also be the only decent first step to ANYTHING at all, if you are in fact pregnant.
#3 Take a pregnancy test as soon as you are able, and then tell him immediately.
The thing about being the other woman, is that you are in a pretty powerless position. The ball is completely in his court, to decide how much, if at all, he wants to be with you, and in what capacity. If you have his child, his choices with the baby are a bit more limited, but it doesn't mean he'll be with you.
So, talk to him about how to make this work. Define what 'working' means to you. Does it mean you got on seeing eachother behind his wife's back? Or does it mean he divorces her and marries you?
Be clear with what you want, and expect the same from him. Don't believe his words. Believe his actions.
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