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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
iv grown up in a catholic family and have went to all religious private schools but i dont believe. i am roman catholic but i am leaning towards athiest atleast agnostic. i want to believe i want to be helped, but i havent a clue where to start. how can i start again or can someone convince me? and another reason is why would god let me be tortured and put into trauma by jerks trying to steal me and take advantage, why. two years straight of this crap. 16/f
The Answer
At 14 I started to slip away from religion. I realized that as much I adored my family, my teachers, and my religious leaders, that I simply and honestly didn't believe in God. I was never angry with God or my church for anything that happened or didn't happen. I just didn't believe in any of it. It took me a very long time after that to really come to terms with what that meant.
I remember very, very well how painful that was. I remember praying in tears that God would make me believe like I had when I was little girl. I remember reading philosophy and talking to teachers and religious leaders trying to make it make sense. I remember trying to make excuses for arguments that were silly, or for things they said that I knew couldn't be true.
I'm sorry that I can't help you, except to say that I remember that period in my life and that I came out of it stronger, more ethical, more honest and happier then I could ever have imagined at the time. I found peace, joy, love, respect and almost limitless goodness in a universe without God. I could give you lists of books to read, but in the end these books didn't convince me. Also, I don't want to convince anyone of anything that I sincerely do not believe is true.
Beliefs change and grow and evolve. Take a deep breath and let your brilliant little mind lead you were it will. Be inquisitive and open-minded and respectful and strong. In the end, there are so many paths to being a truly good person. If you focus on that, you'll get there, no matter what God you do or do not believe in.
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The Question
My daughter is almost 5 years old, and is not being invited to a friends birthday party. The friend lives a few doors away from us and is one year older than our daughter. They play together often, but are not best buddies. My wife and the neighbours wife are good friends from college days and keep in touch since we live so close. The neighbours daughter is having her 6th birthday party in a couple of weeks, but her mother is not inviting our daughter - only kids from her daughter's kindergarden class. The neighbour told my wife there will be too many kids (6) at the party, but the two girls can get together at another time and do something 'special'.
My daughter will be disappointed to hear she will not be invited to the neighbour's birthday party. The reason the neighbour gave my wife about not inviting our daughter is because their house is not very big.
My daughter's birthday is coming up next month and has always had the neighbours daughter at her birthday parties
How do I tell my daughter she is not invited to her friends birthday party, when she will be inviting her friend next month?
The Answer
If you don't make a big deal of it, your daughter is unlikely feel it's a big deal.
At five years old she is well accustomed to some activities being 'class' activities, even outside of school. It's a simple and honest explanation to her to say "That birthday party is just for a few classmates. You and your friend will mark her birthday in another way.” You might even ask your daughter what the ‘special’ thing she’d like to do for her friend is: Would she like to make cupcakes? Go to a movie? Giving her a choice in the activity and then inviting the gives your daughter some control over the kind of celebration she’d like to engage in and makes it extra special, like choosing a birthday gift can be.
Don’t colour your daughters experience with any negativity you might be feeling towards the family. It’s not the little girls fault and if you embrace this in a positive way, it’s more likely that that your daughter will demand two birthday parties (her party, and then a second special day with her friend) then she’ll retaliate and want her friend excluded.
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The Question
i have been dating an amazing guy for about a month, he is a year younger but he is so clingy. i really like him but we havent become like official boyfriend girlfriend yet. so people say im leading him on, playing him and takeing advantage, useing, being a cougar, but im nottt i just am so uneasy about this.. im still hurting from my ex who was also my bff bf and everything, cheated on me, we were the longest couple iv ever known. he says he will wait for me, even today though i went with friends and hes babysitting but he texted me so much my phone died.. clingy. what can i do i really like him, im nott using him i dont wana hurt him ever, hes to obsessive and already whipped, but hes such a sweet guy. should i become officalish or no... also what would be good places or dates to go for us since we arent tooo..? im 16 nearly 17 and a suberban chicka
The Answer
You aren't really into this guy, are you?
If you think a guy is clingy at this stage in the game, you can't date him seriously. People who call you names like user or courgar are assholes, but if people who love and respect your are worried you are leading him on, they are probably picking up on the fact that you are just not into him enough to make it work.
All signs point to this being the time to make a choice: Either be offical, or to be nothing. If you can't bring yourself to choose offical (either because of his behavoir, or your past) then it's time to back out and stop dating him.
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The Question
I am a 39 year old male and have been happily married for almost 9 years. My wife and I are soul mates and love each other deeply. In the past 2 years I have had erectile disfunction and our sex life is not what it used to be. I cannot perform very well. I have the sex drive, but my equipment doesn't seem to work. I have tried Viagra and others like it to no avail. My wife never complains, but I know she is missing out because I can never penetrate her. We have talked about engaging in other couples. I have mixed feelings about it. It is kind of exciting but I don't know about my feelings of sharing my wife. We have never considered doing anything like this before. We do everything together and this would be done together or not at all. Is this a road we should take? Please help.
The Answer
If you really want to open up this dialogue seriously and responsibly, go to a sex therapist who is comfortable helping guide couples these discussions and negotiations.
It’s worth the investment to pay a professional for their experience and personal advice, and for their on-going guidance if you do choose to move forward with this sort of arrangement.
However, perhaps easier then getting past the idea of sharing your wife with another man, why not just buy a strap on? I understand that some men would find that a more serious affront to their pride then another guy in the bedroom, but in all seriousness, if what you believe your wife wants is to be penetrated, there are a hosts of toys you can purchase, or wear, to help you achieve that. There are very few kinds of fun that absolutely require another man.
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The Question
Am I abnormal.. Me and my friends change infront of eachother all the time and i cant help but notice how diff my vagina is from theirs.. when my legs are close if im standing sittting anything.. my clit sticks out of my vagina lips.. i feeel embarassed to be sexually active because of it.. whats wrong with me and how can i fix it ? Guys what do u think of this..
The Answer
There is nothing wrong with you. It's perfectly normal for the inner lips to extend beyond the outer ones. You can't change this.
I promise you any guy who ever gets that close to you will not give a damn. He'll be focused on being that close to you.
If a guy you are with doesn't have enough experience to know what is normal, glare at him and say "They all look different. That one's mine. If you don't like it I can get dressed."
They won’t choose the getting dressed option.
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The Question
I know its a stupid question. But me and my boyfriend broke up last week, he initiated it. I know I have to move on because I dont think we will get back together. Only a week before we split up he was saying how hes the happiest hes ever been with a girl, saying I am perfect and that he is falling in love with me. After a few days of not really speaking to eachother he says he thinks we should break up and its going to be really hard to get over me and he does really like me but he doesnt see our relationship heading anywhere. Im not going to beg for him back or anything like that, but do you think his feelings about me were genuine? We dated for 4 months and we were good friends before that. Even though we arent together I would like to think he still thinks of me.
The Answer
I firmly believe that the hardest part about a break up is accepting the 'not knowing'.
You are probably never going to know for sure what was going through his mind. You can talk to him about it, and he might tell you the best truth he has, but it's still unlikely to be the whole truth. It will be how he thought about it after the fact.
Even then, that's only if he even tells you the best truth he has. It's far more likely he'll make some lame, cliched attempt to not hurt your feelings, and not reveal his most intimate thoughts.
Welcome to life.
I'm sure his feelings were genuine, both when he wanted to be with you, and when he didn't. Just because a feeling is genuine though, doesn't mean it will stay the same or be justified. One of the ways to stay happy and open in the world, is too respect the people and believe they mean it when they say what thier feelings are. Very few people will deliberately lie or mislead, most will just honestly change thier minds.
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The Question
what is abortion? ive looked it up but i don't quite understand it...
The Answer
An abortion, is a very general word used for any medical prodecure or treatment that puts an end to a pregnancy.
There are many different ways to do it, and the procedure can be different depending based on how long the pregnancy has gone on for. Many forms of abortions are legal in the US, but exactly what and when it is legal is different from state to state. Some people believe all forms of abortions are murder, other people would argue that only certain forms of abortions (such as, aborting a pregnancy that has continued on for many months) is immoral and ending a life.
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The Question
when you're on your week of blank pills when you get your period, can you get pregnant? (like if youve finished your period but you still haven't started back up with the real pills) ?
The Answer
You are just as protected when you are on the placebo pills as at any other time.
Birth control is never perfect, but if you are using it properly and regularly, you are as safe during the placebo pills as you are on the actual pills.
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The Question
Well recently my circle of friends have been splitting up bc of hidden resentment, one person has taken advantage on the rebound.
Now i have a few things i can say but its a bold action...most of my friends are passive and pessimistic...and thats usually the way I am.
I might make some people mad and I might be missing a few points, and most people are stubborn...but I made an oath to restore the groups former glory, that I would pull my hair over this until i go bald.
I want to fix a wrong and bring back this strong familial bond..
Im not sure if boldness is a better approach if people get upset but some advice in this general situation please?
The Answer
Shit changes. Deal with it.
Friends drift apart. Arguments take place. People change. People’s opinions change.
There is a natural life cycle to all peer groups. The vast majority of groups will eventually fall apart or drift apart. It's a part of growing up, it’s part of life.
It's not very respectful of you to go on thinking and saying "I know best! It's not really that big of deal. I can do something that will make everyone okay again and see it my way!" That doesn't respect the wishes of others, or the seriousness of their opinions and beliefs.
Your 'oath' is a bad idea.
Instead of trying to be responsible for a group of people (which will inevitably lead to you behaving like a bully and fail to respect their opinions and feelings about how they want too, or want not too, participate in a group) focus on your personal relationship with those individuals who you want to have personal relationships with. Sure, tell people individually you’d like to maintain the group. Tell them if you feel they are being stubborn. Be an honest and respectful friend. Don’t try to fix everything. You don’t have that power, and you shouldn’t pretend you do.
If you feel you have something to say to the group, go ahead and say it. HOWEVER, don't say it trying to change everyone's mind, or to make them see it the way you do, or to 'fix' the situation. That isn't going to work, and like I said above, it's disrespectful.
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The Question
if you saw your husband sending messages to other girls lets say thru facebook or myspace etch and he wrote "hey bby let me get your aim or msn,your a cutie" while being with you would you get mad?? but without him knowin you check his thing .
The Answer
I'd be mad. I wouldn't even bother to pretend I didn't see his page. I would say "Yep. I did a bad bad thing. It was wrong and I feel bad, but we're gonna talk about this cheating first jackass."
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The Question
When you've loved someone and have waited for them for seven years straight(continue to)--would this be considered as love or lust?
The Answer
Or insanity?
Time alone doesn't determain love, lust, or bat-shit craziness.
The real questions:
Why are you asking this?
Do you need to do something about the situation you find yourself in?
No matter how you slice it, waiting for someone for seven years, or encouraging someone to wait for you that long, is bad idea. It doesn't leave much hope for a healthy relationship to take place in the future. It's a damn good sign of complete failure ahead.
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The Question
I hate the way my family treat me. They constantly rag on me for no reason. All i do is walk in the room and they will say something about me to hurt my feelings. For instance, my dad yelled at me for eating one time, telling me id get fat. (At the time i was 115 lbs.) I wouldnt even eat for days, and one meal..i would get yelled at. For a while, I used to starve myself because I was sick of getting yelled at and sneaking food at midnight. Now, i eat less and my dad will laugh and joke about how Im anorexic, which isnt true. My younger sister also calls me fat, when im only 125. (Im 16). She even calls me a dyke (not true) because ive never had a boyfriend. She, on the other hand, goes out and sleeps with every guy that says hello to her. My dad knows it, but he still laughs and calls me that too and tells me im never going to get a boyfriend. My dad thinks i should drop out of high school because my grades werent as good as last years. (Im still on honor roll.) I dont make straight A's like my sis, and Im not outgoing as my sis. And because of that, they call me a failure and doubt my intelligence. Im sick of them treating me like im nothing. They say they are "joking" but they know how much it hurts and continue to do it all the time. They enjoy seeing me down and thats why they keep bringing me down. I used to ask them to stop, but they dont listen. Now i just ignore them because i know words cannot kill me. But honestly, they are. I never thought words could be so powerful and have such an influence on me, but the consistancy of it has ruined my self esteem and has caused me to stop talking. Im starting to believe i am nothing, because thats how im always treated. Any advice? Dont tell me to talk to them or anyone. I have tried it so many times in the past, they ARENT going to listen.
The Answer
Okay, look, if you've decide inside yourself that nothing you can say can change your family (and you might even be totally right about that!) then the ONLY thing left to do, is change the way you react to them.
Sometimes people in our lives will be assholes. Sometimes the very closest people and people we love very much will be complete assholes when it comes to some topics.
Apparently, your family members are complete assholes when it comes to sex and your weight and a few other things to boot. Complete and totally wrong assholes. It is totally possible that you might not be able to change this. They might go their whole lives never understanding WHY their behaviour is destructive and unhelpful. When you get into that situation, you can either cut the person out of your life (rarely a good option, and not possible while you still live at home) or you can change yourself so that their asshole behaviour harms you as little as possible.
I know what I’m saying isn’t easy, it’s not a solution. Some problems don’t get solved. Some of them can only every be ‘dealt with as best as possible’. It’s very possible that you are in a situation where you can’t win. Their attacks won’t stop, and you can’t beat ‘em. So the only option left to you is to get stronger and insulate yourself against them.
Talking to a counsellor is a good idea. They can help be your support and keep you grounded in your ‘right’ ideas while you are surrounded by your family’s crazy-ass ‘wrong’ ideas. However, when it comes right down to it, the hard work will still be on your shoulders.
The hard work is learning to say respectful Nos. Not to argue, but to say a respectful and calm Nope.
“No Dad, I’m not dropping out of high school.”
“No Dad, I’m eating what I want to eat.”
“No Dad, you are wrong about my weight.”
“No sister. I’m not a dyke. No matter how many times you say it, it still won’t be true. ”
When you say NO, you aren't having a discussion with them, because completely stupid ideas like that you are gay, or that you should drop out of school are not WORTH discussing! This isn't advice to 'talk it out with them', my advice is to label the talk what it is by refusing to awknowledge it as anything but moronic. The way you do that is by saying NO.
Don’t argue! People will try to trip you up by making you argue about stupid, pointless ‘facts’ with them. Your family seems to think discussing stupid things is fun. So don’t get involved in their twisted notions of ‘fun’. When someone tries to draw you into ‘discussing’ their crazy ass ideas, just repeat yourself “Yeah, I know you think that. It’s not true.” Shrug your shoulders, walk away. DON'T tell them WHY it’s not true. DON'T present the evidence. Just say, calmly, respectfully “Nope.” Let them present all the stupid reasons they have and just keep saying “Nope.” until one of you is able to walk away.
Standing up for yourself in that small ways will make it easier for it to happen inside your own mind. When your brain starts to tell you that you are nothing, you will start to build the skills to say ‘Nope.’
That is your first small step in taking control of your own self esteem. Talking to a conselor would also be a good and important step, and a good person to support you when you start to say “No.” to your family’s silly insults.
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The Question
My ex and i have resently started talking again. One day hes completely into me and the next he talks to me as a mutal friend. Hes always around and i find myself looking for him.
How can i get over him? and see what his true feelings towards me are?
The Answer
You probably aren't going to be able to do both.
Part of getting over him, will have to be no longer giving a flying fig what his 'true feelings' are.
So ask yourself this very serious question, and ask it honestly:
Do I want to be with my ex?
If you say "Yes, yes I want him back." then just flat out ask him "Dude, are we just trying to be friends here or do you have other motives?"
If the answer is no, then your job is to ALWAYS treat him as a mutual friend, and to shut him down when he starts treating you as 'more'.
Shuting him down, walking away and freezing him out when he acts too into you for your comfort is the way you'll train him out of doing it. Also, it will start to give you the distance you need to really move on.
So, figure out what you want here. 'Cause you wont get both things: You'll either get over him, or you'll get to the bottom of his feelings. Work on whichever of those is the one you want, don't worry about what he might want!
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The Question
I know I have a bad case of OCD, but some things just seem like common sense to me, which is a major factor of this "Illness".
Today, I am so worried, my partner cooked raw meat (pork) for his dinner, he put the empty packet in a carrier bag which was hooked on the cutterly drawer, and then left the bag there
He washed his hands after disposing the packet into the bag.
Then he touched the handle of the bag to open it and put some more rubbish into it, then WITHOUT washing his hands he opened the drawer and got a knife out.
This may seem fickle to others but I cannot stop thinking about this and i'm so conviced there i s now raw meat germs on the knives in the cuttlery drawer.
I know the fact that I cannot settle is due to OCD, but i really feel i need to clean the cuttlery again and detol the tray and the drawer, this i know will cause a massive argument, ive already been warned not to do this, but while he's at work i really want to do it, i'm so scared.
Is this just OCD or would a "normal" person have to wash the cuttlery again?
Thank you
The Answer
It's not rational to be this upset by this. Your thinking is definitely off. 'Common sense' would dictate that there are germs on every single thing on this planet, and that the very, very tiny little bit of germs that maybe, could possibly but rather unlikely, have transferred to the other utensils, but that such a tiny bit would be completely harmless even if it did happen.
You should probably seek some therapy if your irrational thinking and compulsive cleaning is risking your relationship.
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The Question
I am a 14 year old american Lolita-chan (Look here to see what lolita-chan is http://www.blue-period.fsnet.co.uk/graphics/glbible5/033.jpg ...) My skin is paper white and I go by Japanese ettiquette. I wear SPF 50 sunscreen and I'm really fit. but I don't feel like I am right. I feel beautiful being a Lolita-chan. But it's a Japanese style and I have 0 Japanese in me... Is it still right for me to use that style? Or am I just not right. Basically I look like the girls in that picture
The Answer
It's not wrong because you aren't Japanese... People probably do tease you for it. That can't be helped. But it's not wrong. I have to admit that I think mimicking the etiquette of a culture you are not part of is perhaps taking it a bit too far, but hey, it's still a free country right?
The one thing I do think is important, just in case you don't already know it: Is what the word Lolita actually refers to. It comes from a famous novel by Vladimir Nabokov about a young girl who seduces her much older admirer. So name has become known as a "seductive or sexually precocious little girl". Many people, from many cultures will associate the word Lolita with sexualizing very young girls. Dress however you want, but do be aware that some words mean different things in different cultures, and that the movement, both in English and in Japanese culture understood by many people as a sexualize movement, even if you only think of it as pretty clothes. A lot of the judgement you might encounter about the way you dress is because of that association.
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The Question
Is it possible that you could be born evil? or even to do bad? I always hear people saying they were born to do something... and there is the belief that homosexuals are born that way... Furthermore I see serial killers on the news and people say they were just born that way...Is it all about how you were raised or is it just the way you are? So is it possible to be born to be bad person?
The Answer
First off: I don't think there is anything 'bad' about being gay. Although I do accept that people are born with their sexual orientation being an innate trait.
The rest of what you are asking comes back to that really basic question:
Is it nature, or nurture.
Are we the nature, the materials and stuffs we are born with?
Or do our experiences shape us, nurture us, and turn into what we will be?
The truth is, no one really knows, and never really will. You can't test a person with no nature or no nurture. If you can't take them apart and study them, you'll never really be able to figure it out. We are too complex, too interconnected for that.
But it does seem reasonable to think that both things affect us. Science has shown us that you can be born with a higher risk for certain things, like schizophrenia or cancer or alcoholism. So that is our nature and what we are born with, but it doesn’t mean a person will definitely experience those things. Science also shows us that people who were sexually abused are more likely to become abusers themselves, but that doesn’t mean every person who experienced abuse, will abuse someone else.
So, if we can NEVER be 100% about what forms us, nature or nurture, then what we are left with, is our ability to choose. Choice can’t overcome everything. I can’t choose not to get cancer, but in the end, it’s all we can be certain we’ve got.
We know that you can be born with mental functioning that lends itself more easily to destructive behaviors or 'evils' but that doesn't mean people have to choose that. We all have different potentials, but those potentials don't decide what we will be. When it comes to our actions, only the very extremely mentally ill can’t choose. The rest of us, the vast majority of us, can choose for ourselves what we will do.
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The Question
My friend called to tell me that Ricky Martin has come out of the closet and has announced being gay but I just can't believe it. I'm a HUGE Ricky Martin fan, and have been since Livin' La Vida Loca came out, but this is a shocker. If he is REALLY gay then how did he have two boys? I know his twins are just a couple of years old or something...wow! Is he REALLY homosexual?
The Answer
He said he was homosexual. Ricky Martin released a rather lovely statement 'coming out' last week.
It's always been public knowledge, since they were born, that Ricky's twins were carried by a surrogate mother who wasn't going to be involved in thier lives as a mother really. In fact, a bunch of Catholic bishops gave him a hard time for using a surrogate mother at the time. You just can't win with them folk.
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The Question
I love my english class, not gonna lie. However, there's a boy that sits with me at my group and he is cute.. however I went on his formspring and it said like "why are you so mean to your girlfriend" and he put "because she's my bitch" like.. that's not okay to say whether you're joking or not. Now, his girlfriend and him are apart, they have been on and off but today she gave him her promise ring back and everything. Now, a couple people have been saying he's starting to flirt with me, I just choose not to believe it because 1. I'm not his "type" 2. I don't want to fall for him especially because he isn't a virgin and he calls his girlfriend his bitch 3. We run in two totally different social circles, I'm in the band, he's the higher class, popular, I guess. These are a few things I can think of that he does that make people believe he is flirting with me:
-> He'll steal my favorite purple pen, in plain sight when I'm looking right at him when he is doing it
-> He'll put hand sanitizer on and blow the smell at me because he knows I'm not to fond of the smell
-> He'll take my folder up for me after class
-> He'll ask me to help him quick look over things quickly before a quiz
-> He'll ask me for help when he doesn't understand something even though I'm not the smartest at our table
-> He'll look me right in the eyes for what seems like forever when we talk
-> He;ll say something funny about our teacher and when I laugh about it, he'll look at me when I'm laughing like he likes my smile
-> He'll be walking with a girl in the hallway talking to her and when he passes me, he'll stop midsentence, look at me, then continue.
SO! Do you think he is flirting? Do you think he likes me? If so, what do I do? He cheated on his ex, calls her his bitch and had sex with her. That's all I can think of right now, if anything comes to mind I'll put it in the extra info. Thanks!
The Answer
He sounds like he is flirting with you, but that doesn't mean he is serious about it.
It's also pretty clear that you don't want to date the guy at all.
So, if you like a bit of flirting, go ahead and flirt, but decide in your own mind if it goes any further than that. If it doesn't, then don't let it.
Just 'cause a guy flirts with you don't mean he wants to marry you... Some people are just flirts. You can can flirt back if you think it's fun, or you can shut it down if you don't like it. It's really up to you.
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The Question
I am in the early stage of pregnancy, One of the things I love to do during my free time is play pool at a bar. I do not drink and neither does my boyfriend I was wondering if it would be odd if I went to a bar to play pool and enjoy karaoke while I'm pregnant? I don't want to give off the wrong impression that I am irresponsible, However I do know that if I did go to a bar while I was starting to show that no matter what I would probably get assumptions from other people that I was immature. I do not plan to attend a bar while I am starting to show, I wanted to go until it was too noticeable that I am carrying. I'm not sure if it would be a smart idea, It is only twice a week that I normally go. Again, I do not drink and if I do all I get is water.
Thanks
The Answer
If you are comfortable and safe in what you are doing, go right ahead.
Some people are going to judge a pregnant lady in a bar. That's just life and you seem to already know it. People will make assumptions and some judgements. Mostly they'll keep them to themselves, but someone might say something you find offensive... It can't really be helped. The best and most gracious thing you can do is laugh it off.
Frankly, making some friends with the regulars and with the bar tenders and laughing about it now ("Yeah, pregnant ladies are cheep dates!") might help make a more welcoming enviroment at your favourite bar as you get bigger...
You might as well enjoy it well you can. Not like you'll have a lot of free evenings for a long while afterwards...
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The Question
my best friend wants to get mtf hormonal therepy and become a girl. he has a pretty messed up life and he just got out of drug rehab. how can i convince him not to do the therepy. hes an amazing guy but hes bi and a druggie, hes told the condom broke and thats how he came along, i like him as a friend and more. how can i help him i dont want him hurt
The Answer
If he just got out of drug rehab, take a deep breath. There is pretty much no doctor that is going prescribe him hormonal therapy right away...
Really, just be there for him. It's a long process that requires many doctor's vists and a good deal of counseling to actually begin to transition in most states and counteries. You can be honest about what you think (You think it’s not a good idea, and that’s fair.) but try not to judge. Your own feelings of 'more' for him, shouldn't be allowed to get in the way.
It’s always good to let a friend know your honest opinion, but after you’ve said it, sit back and just be a friend. You never know, this might be the right thing for him, despite how confusing and difficult his life has been, it still might be right. Take a deep breath, tell him you think he shouldn’t do it, and then love him anyways.
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