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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hey guys,
I drink one or two drinks socially every 5-6 months or so. I rarely go out and never drink at home. I'm usually too busy with school and work and I don't really crave alcohol. Over a year ago I used to go out more to clubs and parties with friends so I naturally drank more than I do now (maybe twice every two months or so), but still not much especially when compared to most of my friends. Now I had a friend who I used to hang out with pretty often, in fact he would always suggest that we go out drinking - I didn't even want to drink, but wanted just the opportunity to hang out, so I typically accepted. This usually consisted of him encouraging me to drink and watching me as I got drunk without drinking anything himself. Even though he didn't drink with me, we had fun because we talked more than we normally did, about anything and everything, so it made the time really enjoyable. After maybe doing this two more times, a few weeks in between, we stopped drinking together and I started hanging out with other friends more often to go shopping, watch movies, etc. About three months after the last time we hung out, I went out with some friends and we all got really drunk off beer. I ended up prank calling him during our outing and I guess it pissed him off pretty bad. I tried calling him the next day to apologize but he chewed me out and called me a 'fu*king alcoholic'. I almost cried, because I didn't expect him to say something like that to me. I had a bad night, did something childish, and tried to own up to it but he just jumped all over me about it (which is ironic, because I even know for a fact that he's done that more than once himself!). I've never had anyone ever call me this or suggest that I have/had a problem other than this guy. Alcoholism is a serious disease and for somebody to call me an alcoholic was really insulting and hurtful. This was over a year ago and it still bothers me to this day, because he never apologized for it. We ended up making up somewhat shortly after that but right now our friendship is really shaky because of another issue we had in the past. My question is, what should I do? Should I ask for an apology after all this time, or just try harder to let it go and forget about it? Thanks for any/all advice!
~BH
The Answer
Let it go.
He called you a nasty name because he was pissed off at you. He wasn't saying you have an alcohol addiction and serious alcohol dependency problem - he was saying you did something stupid while drunk. If you don't want to be his friends because of this insult, that's just fine, but don't stay his friend and silently stew about this. Friends need to let some things slide some times. A stupid, inaccurate, insult made in anger is some thing you should be able to forgive a good friend for.
People have probably called you a retard before - did you carry that with you for years assuming them meant you had a serious learning disability? Do you assume everyone who calls anyone else a whore thinks that person is being PAID for sex? Almost no one who calls another person a bitch literally means they are a female dog.
Yes, alcoholism is a serious disease and it is very good and sensible of you to use the word that way. It's insensible and unrealistic to demand everyone else always be just as precise in their language, even when they are very angry! That just isn't going to happen. It's not nice to call people alcoholics, or retards, or sluts or bitches. They are mean, often inaccurate, things to say. But it's almost as silly to take these insults literally and carry them around in your mind for years.
You can ask for an apology if you'd like, and you might get one. But it will probably just be a distraction from the other troubles in your friendship right now - and he's be right to react badly if you bring up a long past situation in your current disagreements. It's a cheep tatic when disagreing with someone to drag up the past. As I said at the top, if this guy is otherwise a dear friend, it's time to forgive this transgression, and deal with the present.
IF he uses the word alcholism incorrectly agian, then you'd have a reason to pipe up and gently say "Actually, it means a lot me that that word gets used properly and is a real illness, not just a casual insult or joke."
I've frequently told my friends I feel that way about 'bi-polar', and asked them not to throw it around as a casual insult and joke when it's actually a very serious mental disorder. Most of my friends have respected and understood that, but some of them keep on doing it anyways, and once I've spoken my peice, there is not much else I can but decide if I still want to be friends with someone who uses language that way.
EDIT in response to feedback
I'll work on my advice, lord knows I couldn't last this long on this site if I didn't :). You might consider framing your questions slightly differently and including information like "He's called me an alcoholic repeatedly, not just in this one very heated discussion I'm describing, and he has a habit of rudeness." That certainly would have given your question much a much different context. There was no reason to assume from what you wrote that it was an insult that was repeated! In fact, you gave the reader every reason to assume this was a person who you had a really good time with and he just made this one serious flub.
You are right: I wasn't warm. Because if what you implied (that this was a one time thing with an otherwise good guy and you've been holding on to it for months) was the truth, then you didn't deserve a warm response. If that was the situation it wasn't one that really warrented a kind response!
I just hope you can read over your question impartially and realize where what you wrote down here, created that impression.
We never know everything. We always have to make a few assumptions. Based on what you wrote, I still think I made the most reasonable assumptions - even if they turned out to be wrong!
Also, please do take a moment to think on this:
I did NOT say
"It's insensible and unrealistic OF YOU demand everyone else always be just as precise in their language, even when they are very angry!"
I said
"It's insensible and unrealistic to demand everyone else always be just as precise in their language, even when they are very angry!"
There was no accusation against you there, direct or implied. I'm sorry you felt there was. This mistake, of assuming everyone will use langauage percisely as I think they should, is one I personally make quite often and I advize agianst in the strongest terms possible.
I'm glad you'll try and let it go. I hope you'll consider letting the entire friendship go - it doesn't sound like this guys repeat rudeness is worth the hassel.
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The Question
My girlfriend wants to take a step back from being a relationship with me to just dating me. She says we are going to fast and she wants to slow things down or whatnot. What do I do? Do I say yes to her even though I love her so much and what she wants I dont want and hurts me so much? Or do what we both dont want and break up with her? I want to continue being in a relationship with her but apprently she doesnt please help me ASAP I have had such a bad night I didnt even go to school. BTW im 18 shes 21.
The Answer
Ask her exactly what she means.
Does 'just dating' mean seeing each other only once or twice a week?
Does it mean no more than kissing?
Does it mean she'll accept dates with other guys?
What does it mean to her to be dating someone, but not in a relationship?
Before you can know if a 'step back' will work for you, you've got to know exactly what she means.
If she means she needs to feel less pressure to spend time on the phone or on chat with you, so she can see other friends and do homework, that's one thing. If she wants to date other people while dating you as well, that's something else. Which thing it is will help you decide if you need to break up, or if this is something you can work through together.
Go back to her with questions and a figure out what she is asking for - then you can choose what you can or can't manage.
EDIT//
You NEED to ask her what she is thinking. If you can't talk to her and negotiate how this will continue, or not continue differently, then I'm not the useless one here.
If you just say yes to keep her and you'll likely be broken up for good within three months, if not three weeks, because you still wont have discovered or addressed the actual problems that are making her pull away.
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The Question
I am 13 and have wrinkly eyes on the bottom and top. I've never had this before. Obviously im not aging, and should not get wrinkles. So i think i had an allergic reaction to an eyeshadow a month ago. Now that i found out what it was, i dont know the solution is! I've tried cool/warm wet washcloth, neosporin, vaselin, and nothing is help! Does anyone know any ways to get the puffiness to go away? The tops are drooping making them look pouchy and wrinkle, and the bottom are red and saggy. Please, someone give advice! my eyes are in need!and they are just really wrinkle, and i can feel the puffiness move with my eyes when i look somewhere. Thats not normal! Now of course i am considering perscription/ over the counter. Does anyone know any home remedies or store product that help puffiness in children, easily? thanks~
The Answer
Honestly, it's far more likely you have allergies or an infection, than it is you are reacting to eye shadow from a month ago...
See a doctor. If you have an infection, you need their help. If you have allergies, it's good to get it confirmed by a pro and have the severity checked out.
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The Question
my bf touches bites on and kisses my ears..and i reallllllly like it. normal or weird? anyone else have like it too?
The Answer
That doesn't even fit the defination of a fetish hun - that's just a hot spot, an erogenous zone, a place on the human body where there is hightened sensitivity.
Almost everyone has an erogenous zone around or behind thier ears. People just respond differently to it.
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The Question
18Female.
So I recently lost my virginity, about two/three weekends ago. Oh my gosh, it was amazing haha. But now it's all I can think about like I want it all the time. And I don't have a boyfriend, and the guy I wanna do it with is about four hours away for hockey so he will rarely come back but once I see him, I can get it from him ;)
I don't know what to do though. Masturbating doesn't work, I hate it actually. Like I need a guy, I need that feeling and I'm going crazy! Is it normal for me to think about it all the time, I know guys do but now I feel like a perv or something haha.
Suggestions, anything?
The Answer
Buy a vibrator. Explore porn and erotic literature to find out what works for you.
I know that isn't exactly the advice you are looking for, but it's the advice I wish someone had given me when I was a teen.
I'm a very sexual twenty-five year old woman, and YES, sex is absolutely better with a partner. But the truth is, until I learned how to enjoy myself solo I was constantly falling into stupid relationships and drama because of how much I felt I 'needed' sex with someone else. Sure, I was physically safe, but emotionally my self esteem and my ability to feel good about sex and my body was all tied up in having someone else want to have sex with me.
It is normal to want sex, to want to be desired and some people naturally want sex more than others, but honestly, if you NEED a guy to screw you, then it isn't about sex – there is an emotional need you are trying to fill there and it becomes about power and a desperation to feel desired that can be dangerous if you don't find healthy ways to handle it - alone. Those things can very easily lead you down a path of self harm and tie your self esteem up in sex.
It’s just not easy to find someone who is compatible with you. It’s not easy in a relationship, in a friendship, or simply in sex partner. No matter how promiscuous you are willing to be, you are going to go through periods in your life – if you are safe and sane – without a regular sex partner. You need to learn to deal.
I still love sex. I still think about it a hell of a lot. I still prefer sex with a partner, but I don't need one to enjoy myself. Put any squeamishness or shame you might feel and kick it out the door. Then, seriously and diligently explore sex INSIDE your own brain. I promise you that you can find ways you enjoy yourself when you don’t have a partner, and to lead a happy and balanced life, you kind of need too.
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The Question
I had sex with my boyfriend and got pregnant, confirmed by 7 tests two months ago (yeah LOL i didnt wanna believe it). I have morning sickness sometimes but not too bad I don't think. Anyway I know Im going to start showing some time and get a big belly and dont want my parents to know I'm pregnant. I was thinking to tell them like right before I give birth and then they can't really be that mad because the baby will be coming so quickly then. How can I hide that I'm pregnant? I want to hide that I'm pregnant from my parents so I can't figure it out. They don't even know I had sex. Should I wear big sweatshirts and oversized hoodies? A girl at my school said it would work. I was also thinking of like trying to gain a bunch of weight so they think I'm just getting fat? help
The Answer
Sure, and then you can dress the baby up as a kitten and pretend you picked up stray!
Everything, and I mean everything, will go better for you and your baby the sooner you tell your parents. You need pre-natal treatments, vitamins and checkups. You need to start making plans and getting support.
No matter what you do to hide your pregnancy, it's only going to work for so long. It's selfish and wrong to tell them at the last minute because you rob them, and yourself, the time to prepare properly. AND they will be more angry that you hid it, oh god will they be more angry! And your new baby doesn't deserve to be born into this world as an unpleasant surprise.
Suck it up and do the right thing: Tell your parents. They are financially and emotionally on the hook for you and your child - they have a right to know what they are in for, and you need their support now, not in a few months.
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The Question
My boyfriend REALLY wants to have anal sex with me and I told him he could next time we're alone but I'm so scared it will hurt. He said he heard it hurt a lot for girls to get anal their first time. My friend said butt sex is gross and so we don't talk about it and I can't ask for advice. How can I not be so scared of having anal sex? Will it REALLY hurt? And does it feel good? I don't know anything about it really except I can't get pregnant doing it.
The Answer
It does hurt, and you shouldn't expect to be able to manage it the very first time you try.
Think of how many times you probably got fingered, played with and had oral before you tried having vaginal sex. Most people build up to vaginal sex, and you have to take the same slow build up to anal.
So please, don't think "Oh we'll just have anal sex." For most people, it takes some time to work up to having straight anal sex and learning about that part of their body.
If you want to do this, your boyfriend must be dedicated to helping you gently warm up to it, you must have proper store bought lube, and you should read some serious advice.
You can google, anal sex advice for women and you'll come up with a lot. Keep your eyes open for advice by a woman named Tristan. She is a the queen of anal sex advice.
In the end though, if you don't want to do this, or aren't ready, you should speak up and tell him know. There really is a risk of hurting very bad, especially if your male partner doesn't know what he is doing, or worse, doesn't know he must know what he is doing.
Anal sex shouldn't be expected, especially in a less experienced sexual relationship, so if you aren't comfortable reading about it, talking about it, or doing it, please say tell your boyfriend so.
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The Question
I took the morning after pill or emergency pill or whatever you call it like two weeks ago after my boyfriend had sex with me and we didn't use a condom. I think I took it like twice before that time though but it's been weeks ago so I don't remember. We had sex again last night and didn't use a condom and I want to take the morning after pill again. I was talking to my best friend on the phone and she said she heard taking it too much can be harmful or whatever. We got in this BIG argument and I kept telling her that if it was dangerous or whatever then they wouldn't sell it to me because they would get sued or whatever.
Anyways, I just want to know how many times they will sell it to you? I don't want to go and get embarrassed if they say NO or something stupid. I mean, I don't want to get pregnant so I'm being responsible here by buying it so I don't know why they might deny me it but I just want to make sure.
Thanks.
The Answer
It's recommended you only take it once per cycle, simply because of some small risk of blood clotting. A pharmacist or doctor might refuse to to sell it to you under these conditions - but if you lie to them, they can't be sued because of your dishonesty.
Other than that, there is no limit I've ever heard. I can't imagine there would be much more risk of taking it regularly than taking other oral contraceptives. But of course - no one has really studied it that closely yet I'd bet.
USE A CONDOM. EVERYTIME. ALL THE TIME. OR GO ON NORMAL BIRTH CONTROL. OR STOP HAVING SEX.
PlanB is exactly that - PlanB. When you don't use any other form of contraceptive you are trying to make it PlanA and that is irresponsible and foolish. Just because no one will withhold PlanB from you, and will let you buy it again and again, doesn't make it any less irresponsible.
Just because someone will let you do something doesn't make it a good idea. Please to God, develop a better contraception plan. You are playing Russian roulette with your fertility. The possibility of being embarrassed is the least of the risks you are taking.
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The Question
I been dating this girl for about 4 months now and we've been having sex all the time. I'm 22 and she told me she just turned 18 when we hooked up at first. Last night she stayed at my house and was like she needed to tell me something and told me she's really 15. I dont know what to do because that's illegal and I dont want to be put in jail for this. I'm getting paranoid she's going to tell her folks and her parents are going to press charges since she's underage / a minor. What do I do?
The Answer
You must break up with her.
That's not just about what is legal - it's about what is ethical. A 15 year old girl who lies about her age to a 22 year old guy is not the kind of girl who you should trust to make the stable, mature, honest choices that relationships with drastic age differences require. You absolutely cannot continue to see her in any capacity.
For your own safety, send her an e-mail outlining exactly why you can no longer see her. That makes it permanent and will provide you with a bit of evidence that you did not know, and that you did the right thing when you did find out and ended all contact.
Then talk to a lawyer.
In very few states would your sleeping with a 15 year old result in jail time. Even in states where the age of consent is 16, there is often lighter penalties for the 14 - 15 range. I don't want to sound too optimistic, because this could certainly still go poorly for you, but you should do your best to stay calm.
Just do the right thing - end it with her immediately. Be clear with her about why you are ending it (she's too young and she mislead you about her age), and then speak to a lawyer in case she does something as stupid and evil as trying to sic the law on you.
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The Question
I got pregnant & had a baby last month. My boyfriend got me pregnant because he didn't want to use a condom so it's all his fault. I only let him see my daughter when we go out like on a date but she don't stay with him at all & I care for her all the time. Mom said he needs to be a man and support us since he's the one that got me pregnant. I told him I want him to get a job after school and give me money to support my daughter because I'm in school too and I can't raise a baby and go to school AND work a job. He needs to take responsibility. He got mad and was like it's just as much his fault as it is mine that I got knocked up and he was real mad about it all and said if I make him pay me money then he's gonna break up with me and leave me. Mom said to take him to court if he won't pay me money for my daughter and I think she's right that he needs to man up or whatever but then I feel bad because I don't want him to break up with me. Should I go after him to make him pay me childsupport or what?
The Answer
You can't put your desires ahead of your child's needs.
Besides, a guy who is completely unwilling to care for your child shouldn't be a your boyfriend anyways. You are going to be a mother for the rest of your life. You no longer have the privilege of dating someone who isn't at least respectful of your child's needs.
Take him to court. If he has other life plans - school or such - the court will take that into consideration. They wont necessarily FORCE him to get a job if he has the possibility of going to school and improving himself that way. But regardless of what his situation is, it is definitely time to take him to court to arrange custody and support. It's also time to break up - a guy who would flat out refuse to financially support his child (regardless of whose fault it is) is not a decent boyfriend for a young mother.
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The Question
Okay well I'm 17, and never had a boyfriend before. I've had guys ask me out a few times, but I always find a reason to say no. Just so happens, all of these guys were in my school, and around my age (or a year younger). But, when I go out sometimes and meet an older guy (20+), I just feel like I'm into them more. I even had an interest in some guy's who were in their early 30's (I know, too old for me). But, as of right now, until I turn 18, I don't think my mother would allow that, so I've never acted on anything. I just find guys my age to only care about sex, partying, beer, more sex, etc. And that turns me off, even if they are a nice guy. I'm not saying guy's in there 20's don't do all of that. Believe me, I know a lot who do. But, I noticed as they get older, that kind of stuff slows down. And I just find them to be nicer, more caring about personality not just looks, and just more caring than younger guys. A little information on me: I'm not the partying type, I rarely drink, never had sex, focused on school, and I'm mature for my age. Also, my parent's got divorced when I was 5; my dad and I don't get along and I'm not too fond of him, do you think that may be why I'm into older guys? Because my father and I have a bad relationship? I don't know if I'm really asking a question here...I'm just more so wondering what do you guys think? Thankyou.
The Answer
It's best never to box yourself in, and start to think there is only one kind of guy you like.
However, liking older guys is a pretty tame, common preference of girls with good father figures as well as girls without 'em. Frankly, I never quite understand what the attraction was to teenage boys. I wasn't interested in then when I was a teenager, and I'm certainly not now.
The truth is, many guys are speeding up 'that stuff' in their twenties, they have just also learned how to interact with people in ways OTHER than partying and flirting (even if partying and sex are still their main interests). So it's good to consider that the older boys you meet might also simply be better and more experienced at socializing, not necessarily more compatible with your interests.
There is no reason to consider it a bad thing (or worry that it has something to do with your parents - it doesn't). It's only a bad thing if you write it in stone, and refuse to consider that although you might generally like older people, you may still find a good partner your own age as well. You might.
Just be safe (legal) and sensible, and don't be afraid to date when you do want too.
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The Question
Before I start please don't judge me.
I am a girl who uses craigs list to find gigs in dallas area to supplement my exotic dancing career. I do bachelor parties and stuff.
Today I log on to craigslist.com and it takes me to my local one: http://dallas.craigslist.org/ and where it says adult services it now say "Censored". I read some stuff but I don't get it. It says it is still there but only people from certain places can see it?
How do I get around this censoring so I can get back to work?
Oh and why did craigslist censor adult things anyway?
The Answer
It's gone in all American markets. Likely for good.
http://mashable.com/2010/09/04/craigslist-censored-adult-services/
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The Question
what do i do about this?
i am an 18 y/0 female.
sorry this is long!!
ok well to sum it up, ive been dating this guy for about 8 months. Thats a really long time for me. I also lost my virginity to him. In the past I have caught him lying, but after we broke up for a week he swears up and down he wont ever lie again. I love him with everything. I am completely attached to this boy. But last night I saw something I really wished i wouldnt have.
(dont judge me here please)
I was logged on to his facebook. the only reason i was, was to look at this girls pictures ( i couldnt look at her from mine because we wernt friends.)
Anyways while i was logged into his facebook a notification popped up saying
something like "heyyyy 817 997 6623" i didnt even see it long enough to see the number or girl bc it was deleted. ( i guess he was on with his own phone)
now keep in mind, we have a strict rule not to text or talk to the oppisite sex. Espically to not hide it from each other.
this really kills me that i saw this. It makes me think is he cheating on me? who is this girl? why is he hiding it?
& idk what to do because i cant confront him. im crying right now typing this because it kills me to think he is cheating on me, or even if its just mentally cheating.
please help me
what should i do? what should i think?
i am so beyond crushed right now :(
The Answer
If you have decided that calling, texting or talking to other girls is cheating, you will ALWAYS, every single time, for the rest of your life, get cheated on. Honestly, you are getting too old to still believe that a boy can't talk to another girl, even an attractive one, without cheating on his girlfriend.
Your boyfriend may or may not be hiding something. There is no way for anyone to know from just what you've said here.
However - You don't trust your boyfriend at all, so yes, you should break up with him.
The next guy you do date, do yourself a favor and work on actually trusting someone else. Trust means believing that it is possible for a guy to speak to another girl, even an attractive one, without cheating on you. Trust means trusting your partner to select his own friends, girls and boys, and trusting him to NOT cheat when he says he will not cheat. Trust doesn't mean setting rules and making him constantly PROVE to you each day that he isn't cheating.
My boyfriend has many female friends. Some of whom I've never met. That's okay. I can't stop him from cheating by controlling who he talks too. Only he can decide whether he will cheat or not. Because I care for him and respect him, I believe him when he says he will not cheat. We talk about our friends and our feelings, and we can discuss, together, if there is friendship that makes either of us uncomfortable. I don't assume he will cheat, and make him prove he isn't. I assume he isn't cheating, and because I respect him and trust him, it would take a lot to make me question that assumption.
Yes, I might get hurt this way. But it's the only respectful way to be.
Both of you, you and him, set this relationship up to fail when you made rules that assumed cheating was going to happen. Anxiety and fear where absolutely going to happen if you set rules that are impossible to follow or unfair to demand.
You need to grow, move on and develop real trust with a partner. You can probably only do that with someone else.
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The Question
*Experienced sexually active individuals, please!
Female, 19
I asked a question yesterday but I am still worried. Could there be a small rip or tear in a condom if all of the ejaculate was collected and in one area on the tip part of the condom. When looking at it, it was literally all in that area where air is left and it is pinched. It was all collected there. I had asked the question with the condom wrapper being opened a little. We had used one and then a week later I went to use another one and the wrapper had been ripped from ripping off the previous one and had a little opening on one side of the wrapper. Many sites and forums have said that the worry with this is that the condom gets dry and can break or rip easier. The condom we used was a spermicidal lubricant and it seemed wet to me (and not wet from my own doing). I am going away today and will stop to get Plan B one step in case but it is a pain because it costs a lot of money that I really don't have because I am a young college student and I am supposed to get my period in a week so I am torn between just waiting or taking the pill but the pill can ruin your period right? Help!
The Answer
It's unlikely, but possible.
Unfortunately, this is just what comes along with being sexually active. The answer to most questions where there was no obvious condom failure is "It's unlikely, but possible."
I'd be willing to say, in light of your previous question, your obvious intelligent use and storage of condoms and the fact you asked your boyfriend to be aware of any failure before he took it off (and I assume he didn't mention any concern as he was removing it? right?) that it's probably even "extremely, ludicrously, unlikely."
Plan B doesn't ruin your period, but it can alter your cycle. For most women it’s not by very much and their cycle still starts within a day or two of when it should, or they just have a lighter cycle than usual. It’s still quite effective (89% effective) until 72 hours after sex – so go ahead and use it if you want too. It is a bit expensive, but less expensive than an abortion, and much less expensive than an unplanned pregnancy.
I will say in all honesty though, if you experience this much anxiety over condoms, you might want to consider having an additional method like the birth control pill, patch, shot, something. Sex is always risky, but it’s seems like you experiencing way more anxiety and stress over those risks then is really warranted. You should really try and find a bit more peace of mind if you are going to continue to have sex.
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The Question
is your eye doctor supposed to tell you which contact solution to use or can you use whatever you want??
The Answer
I don't know if it's the same everywhere, but where I live contact solutions don't require prescriptions, so your doctor can't make you buy a particular one. They could (or the contact manufacturer could) sell contacts and solutions as a package deal, and leave you with little choice but to pick up the recommended solution along with your contacts purchase.
However, a doctor's recommendation should be taken very seriously. They know the type and brand of contacts you are using after all, and have looked your eyes. If you didn't get a recommendation and would like one, I'm sure you could call the office and ask their opinion. If you are having a problem with the solution that you were recommended, I'm sure your doctor would want to hear that information to help them in the future.
If you just want to keep on buying what you always buy despite a doctor's opinion, no one can stop you.
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The Question
Me and my boyfriend seem happy with each other. Like he always talks about us being together forever and is always making future plans. I like that bc that is that the kind of realationship that i want, but he lives about 40 min. away from me and the seeing him thing isnt really a problem (i dont want to see someone everyday, i get kind of annoyed by that) so that isnt the issue. I am just worried about him doing stuff behind my back... like he checks out other girls INFRONT of me and talks about them near me too. He says wow their hot and stares them down.. stuff like that. So that kinda scares me. I talk to him about this, but he says that he isnt gonna ever do this to me and that he likes me too much to go for any other girl. Should i belive him?
The Answer
Love doesn't make you blind, but it should keep you from being rude.
Checking out other attractive people around us is something that we can't quite stop, and it's important to be mature and understanding.
It's also fair to ask your boyfriend to be mature and understanding and keep some of his comments to himself when he is out with his girlfriend. You don't need to him keep a running talley of every hot girl who walks by - it's not wrong or evil of him to notice, but it's rude and childish to be regularly commenting aloud.
You SHOULD believe him when he says he isn't going to cheat, because the truth is, if you like and respect him, you've got to believe him. If you can't believe him, you can't be in a relationship with him. Part of being in a relationship is assuming the best of your partner. He says he wont. Trust him.
You might still get hurt in the end but at least you'll have been honest and respectful. If you truly can't bring yourself to believe him, you probably shouldn't be dating him in the first place.
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The Question
18, Female.
This is SO weird, but I'm not complaining :) Just curious.
I've only been fingered twice, nothing else has been in my vagina. Well I get wet really easily, and it's a lot. The first time I had sex, I was SO scared it was going to hurt and it didn't hurt ONE BIT, NOTHING. I was shocked, is this normal? I'm scared if I do it again or something it's going to hurt, but I don't know if it will since it didn't the first time??
And, the guy I had sex with didn't believe I was a virgin. Long story, no I don't regret having sex with him we're friends. But what I'm asking is ..is this a good or bad thing? He knew I was before, told him to be careful with me and he said he would but I know he still didn't believe me. After we had sex and were laying in bed, I said you took my virginity you know that? I was a virgin. He smiled and looked at me and said "No you weren't ;)"
I don't know if I was loose or something, or if I was just good at it? Haha I was wondering, why he still didn't think I was a virgin before I had sex with him. What do you guys think?
The Answer
It's very uncommon for a man to actually be able to tell if his partner is a virgin or not. It was just plain stupid of your friend to assume he could. The hymen can break for many reasons before the first time you have sex, including dancing or sports, so even to expect a virgin to bleed is silly. Each women's body is different. They are different shapes and sizes and tightness, and everyone responds to arousal differently. You’re sexual makeup just made your first time easier for you, but it was still your first time.
Congratulations on having a sense of humor about the whole thing! If a guy had told me I wasn't a virgin, I would have kicked him in the balls and told him to grow a better pair. I certainly wouldn’t choose to sleep with someone again who thought I was a liar.
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The Question
19M
Ok, so the first question is easy really. Though it's something I've kinda worried about for a while about myself. To put it simply, I prefer to be friends with girls, perhaps date them, over sleeping with them. I'd rather stay in for a movie and cuddle than have sex. Does that make me weird, for a straight guy? None of my guy friends see what I like about it. (But my female friends tend to love it haha)
My main part to the question is, I see this aspect of me ruining future relationships. I tend to have a couple of female friends at all times, who I often spend an evening with alone. We might go out together, or watch a movie, or whatever. Nothing happens, we're just friends. At the moment I'm single. I worry though that when I have a girlfriend, she'll be always jealous of the fact that i'm alone with other girls (Because I thought about it, and I don't want to stop haning out with friends the way I do because some girl doesn't want me too). I do think that this will make it incredibly hard for me to start a relationship. When the trust isn't built yet, how do you persuade her there's nothing going on?
Any help would be appreciated, but don't insult me, I get enough of that already.
The Answer
You’re right. It will be hard. It’ll get easier as you get older.
Have a little bit of sympathy for the doubts of a woman – as you’ve probably noticed in your male friends, very few guys know how to be friends with a girl without wanting to sleep with her. As far as I can tell this remains true well into their twenties. Some never learn the trick of it.
You are different than the ‘norm’. For some girls out there, it will be a good kind of different, but different is always scary.
We can imagine possible future problems for you until the cows come home. We can imagine that your low sex drive and sociable nature might make you an ideal specimen for alien abduction and inclusion is some huge alien zoo if we'd like.
I'm not insulting you there at all. It's just that some problems are often best faced as we come up against them, with the person we want to face them with. Putting too much energy into mulling the problems beforehand pretty much guarantees stress and worry, even if stress and worry isn't warranted.
Like everyone on the planet, you need a girlfriend who is a good match for you. Possibly one with a lower sex drive, and someone with enough confidence and ability to trust that she wont be overly concerned with your female friends.
We are all looking for compatibility. And compromise.
You build trust through giving trust, and through honesty and compromise. You make sure your girlfriend meets your female friends, and you are honest about why you want to be with her (and not with them).
You also probably adjust your behavior a bit around those female friends. There are some new lines you might yourself naturally drawing with your female friends when you enter a relationship.
Most people, when they enter a relationship, naturally spend a bit less time with friends, and a bit more time with their partner. There is a balance that as to be struck, but you will naturally, just based on the number of hours in the day, spend a bit less time with your friends. That’s okay.
When you meet someone you want to be in a relationship with, you'll learn. You might suck at it and make mistakes. You might be a bad match and have troubles. Most relationships have troubles and most of the people you meet will be a bad match for you in some way or another.
This is the sort of thing you need to let happen, and simply be honest as it happens.
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The Question
If you give head to a guy at a party while your boyfriend is not there does that mean you cheated on your boyfriend? Yeah, the guy was really hot but it's not like we had sex or anything. I didn't even let him finger me! My boyfriend is really pissed and won't talk to me now but I really can't see his reasoning or point of view. I've done this a few times before but I haven't told him about it and regret telling him this time. Do you think giving a blow job is REALLY cheating? I mean, come on...it's like...kissing...sort of...I don't see a problem.
The Answer
It's very nice that you don't feel a blow job is cheating. You better find a boyfriend who agrees with you 'cause 99.9% of monogamous people will consider a blow job cheating. Most of them will even consider kissing, cheating.
If you were afraid to tell your boyfriend about it, and he got angry, then he is probably one of that 99.9%. You probably aren't going to talk him out that - especially not when you make a habit of it.
Be single until you either meet someone who shares your definition of cheating, or until you stop going down on random guys at parties.
And get regular STI tests.
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The Question
I know this girl at school. She sleeps around a lot and I know she's had at least two abortions since we've been in high school together. I was talking to one of my best friends and she said she heard the girl had 4 abortions total since she was 13 and that her parents paid for them so she wouldn't have a baby so young. I don't know about that. 4 sounds like a lot. I know she told people (including me and a teacher) before about having at least 2 but I think there is probably like a limit to how many abortions a person can have. Is there?
The Answer
There is no legal limit on how many abortions you can have in the US.
The only limit that might be there, is a doctor might refuse at some point - and a patient might seek out another doctor who would be willing.
Depending on the type of abortion practiced, multiple abortions can, eventually, damage the ability of the woman to conceive again, but that is the only physical risk. Abortion practices in North America are actually very safe and low risk to a woman's health. As long as there was a long enough time between each abortion, there wouldn't be any other health risk.
I think four is probably an exaggeration, but it is possible.
There is no legal reason she would be denied her fourth or tenth abortion.
HOWEVER, I do want to add that it's important to remember that the majority of women, over 75%, who have an abortion, only ever have one abortion in their life. The vast majority of people understand abortion is the last restort, not a regular means of contraception.
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