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My old friend called me an alcoholic...
Hey guys,
I drink one or two drinks socially every 5-6 months or so. I rarely go out and never drink at home. I'm usually too busy with school and work and I don't really crave alcohol. Over a year ago I used to go out more to clubs and parties with friends so I naturally drank more than I do now (maybe twice every two months or so), but still not much especially when compared to most of my friends. Now I had a friend who I used to hang out with pretty often, in fact he would always suggest that we go out drinking - I didn't even want to drink, but wanted just the opportunity to hang out, so I typically accepted. This usually consisted of him encouraging me to drink and watching me as I got drunk without drinking anything himself. Even though he didn't drink with me, we had fun because we talked more than we normally did, about anything and everything, so it made the time really enjoyable. After maybe doing this two more times, a few weeks in between, we stopped drinking together and I started hanging out with other friends more often to go shopping, watch movies, etc. About three months after the last time we hung out, I went out with some friends and we all got really drunk off beer. I ended up prank calling him during our outing and I guess it pissed him off pretty bad. I tried calling him the next day to apologize but he chewed me out and called me a 'fu*king alcoholic'. I almost cried, because I didn't expect him to say something like that to me. I had a bad night, did something childish, and tried to own up to it but he just jumped all over me about it (which is ironic, because I even know for a fact that he's done that more than once himself!). I've never had anyone ever call me this or suggest that I have/had a problem other than this guy. Alcoholism is a serious disease and for somebody to call me an alcoholic was really insulting and hurtful. This was over a year ago and it still bothers me to this day, because he never apologized for it. We ended up making up somewhat shortly after that but right now our friendship is really shaky because of another issue we had in the past. My question is, what should I do? Should I ask for an apology after all this time, or just try harder to let it go and forget about it? Thanks for any/all advice!
~BH
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Let it go.
He called you a nasty name because he was pissed off at you. He wasn't saying you have an alcohol addiction and serious alcohol dependency problem - he was saying you did something stupid while drunk. If you don't want to be his friends because of this insult, that's just fine, but don't stay his friend and silently stew about this. Friends need to let some things slide some times. A stupid, inaccurate, insult made in anger is some thing you should be able to forgive a good friend for.
People have probably called you a retard before - did you carry that with you for years assuming them meant you had a serious learning disability? Do you assume everyone who calls anyone else a whore thinks that person is being PAID for sex? Almost no one who calls another person a bitch literally means they are a female dog.
Yes, alcoholism is a serious disease and it is very good and sensible of you to use the word that way. It's insensible and unrealistic to demand everyone else always be just as precise in their language, even when they are very angry! That just isn't going to happen. It's not nice to call people alcoholics, or retards, or sluts or bitches. They are mean, often inaccurate, things to say. But it's almost as silly to take these insults literally and carry them around in your mind for years.
You can ask for an apology if you'd like, and you might get one. But it will probably just be a distraction from the other troubles in your friendship right now - and he's be right to react badly if you bring up a long past situation in your current disagreements. It's a cheep tatic when disagreing with someone to drag up the past. As I said at the top, if this guy is otherwise a dear friend, it's time to forgive this transgression, and deal with the present.
IF he uses the word alcholism incorrectly agian, then you'd have a reason to pipe up and gently say "Actually, it means a lot me that that word gets used properly and is a real illness, not just a casual insult or joke."
I've frequently told my friends I feel that way about 'bi-polar', and asked them not to throw it around as a casual insult and joke when it's actually a very serious mental disorder. Most of my friends have respected and understood that, but some of them keep on doing it anyways, and once I've spoken my peice, there is not much else I can but decide if I still want to be friends with someone who uses language that way.
EDIT in response to feedback
I'll work on my advice, lord knows I couldn't last this long on this site if I didn't :). You might consider framing your questions slightly differently and including information like "He's called me an alcoholic repeatedly, not just in this one very heated discussion I'm describing, and he has a habit of rudeness." That certainly would have given your question much a much different context. There was no reason to assume from what you wrote that it was an insult that was repeated! In fact, you gave the reader every reason to assume this was a person who you had a really good time with and he just made this one serious flub.
You are right: I wasn't warm. Because if what you implied (that this was a one time thing with an otherwise good guy and you've been holding on to it for months) was the truth, then you didn't deserve a warm response. If that was the situation it wasn't one that really warrented a kind response!
I just hope you can read over your question impartially and realize where what you wrote down here, created that impression.
We never know everything. We always have to make a few assumptions. Based on what you wrote, I still think I made the most reasonable assumptions - even if they turned out to be wrong!
Also, please do take a moment to think on this:
I did NOT say
"It's insensible and unrealistic OF YOU demand everyone else always be just as precise in their language, even when they are very angry!"
I said
"It's insensible and unrealistic to demand everyone else always be just as precise in their language, even when they are very angry!"
There was no accusation against you there, direct or implied. I'm sorry you felt there was. This mistake, of assuming everyone will use langauage percisely as I think they should, is one I personally make quite often and I advize agianst in the strongest terms possible.
I'm glad you'll try and let it go. I hope you'll consider letting the entire friendship go - it doesn't sound like this guys repeat rudeness is worth the hassel.
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