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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
What is wrong with facebook? Why does it keep saying that my email is not valid anymore? I verified my email so much time on facebook but then the same message keeps showing up. Does anyone know how to fix this problem? I can't even receive email from the email address I use for my facebook account.
The Answer
"I can't even receive email from the email address I use for my Facebook account."
Maybe that is why it's invalid?
If your old e-mail address has been deleted or marked as abandoned, Facebook might no longer accept it.
The point of having an e-mail with Facebook is so they have some way to contact you and validate your existence outside of Facebook. If you cannot access the e-mail address you use with Facebook, you have defeated the whole purpose of having an e-mail associated with your Facebook account.
Part of being ‘valid’ is working. If the e-mail doesn’t not accept e-mail then it doesn’t work. If Facebook can tell that the e-mail you use does not actually exist anymore, they will not accept it as valid.
You should use an e-mail address that works, or create a new e-mail address, one you can actually receive e-mail at, and make it your primary e-mail address with Facebook. That may be the simplest solution to your problem.
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The Question
what kind of sexual transmitted disease could a man get by getting a blow job
The Answer
Almost all STI's can be transfered this way.
Although the risk is generally slightly less to the reciever of oral sex (it is the one performing it who is at a greater risk of contracting something from the reciever, no matter if it is two men or two women, or man performing oral sex on a woman...) the risk to the both parties is still very real.
All major STIs can be trasfered during oral sex, as adviceman listed them. His information regarding HIV is slightly out of date however - it is now well established that HIV can be transfer during oral sex to either party. Oral sex is, stastically speaking, slightly less like to lead to HIV infection that vaginal sex or anal sex, but the risk is still very real to both participants.
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The Question
16/f, NY
So a few months ago, I was at the mall and I filled out some magazine sweepstakes or something, and there was a box that asked if I was interested in modeling/acting opportunities. am pretty sure I didn't check that box Then, yesterday, I got a call from a lady from the New Faces modeling agency saying that I did check the box and that she was interested in meeting me and possibly booking me. She said that the talent scout at the mall 'saw something in me' and was interested. But the talent scout never said anything to me at the mall. The lady who called me invited me to a private event for an interview just to talk at a hotel in my area. To be honest, I'm very nervous because I'm not really as thin as models usually are. I'm worried that she's going to be expecting me to be some skinny gorgeous girl, even though I'm not that skinny (I'm not chubby/fat) and I'm just tall. I'm scared that I'm going to show up and it's going to be full of skinny-minny girls who are all gorgeous soon-to-be models. I still have to let her know by tonight if I want to meet with her, but do you think I should do it? I don't want to go there and embarrass myself. Help :-/
The Answer
New Faces is a scam. 100% scam.
Their goal is to make you spend upwards of $1000 on photos for a look book, fees and prints. They do not represent their clients to anyone for work or booking, they just collect money from people for overpriced headshots. They are not trying to help you become a model or an actress, they are trying to take your money.
They will tell you that you have to decide NOW, and pay them NOW and show up NOW, because they know if you think too hard about it, or do your reseach, you'll find out they are phony.
Googling 'New Faces scam' will show you all the people who've been fooled by these underhanded goons.
Reputable agencies never ask you for money upfront - and they don't try to force you to decide right away. If you do need some photos taken they often recommend independant photographers they have arranged discounts for new clients with - they don't take that money from you themselves. That is poor bussiness ethics.
They invest in you, and then get paid a percentage of what you make when you book a job. That is how real agents make money.
http://www.consumeraffairs.com/modeling/new_faces.html
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The Question
im only a few weeks pregnant, but i have been getting really sick. i have a urinary tract infection and i also have a cold. im going to go to the doctor soon but i have to wait until i have the money. i have had the uti for about a week. Im concerned for the baby since its so early in the pregnancy. If i wait any longer will this have a serious affect on it? and with me having a cold also, will this cause a problem. this is my first so im concerned.
The Answer
It can.
UTIs easily spread to the kidneys if left untreated. Kidney problems are BIG problems. They can cause early labor amoung other risks.
See a doctor. ASAP. Go to a clinic, or call a support for single mothers who might be able to refere you to a doctor quicker.
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The Question
alright so my ex and two of my other friends decided to wag school.
(two boys one girl all 16 year of age)
they went to buy drinks...
so then they got drunk at the local park.
i was at school wen i got a call from my ex (we recently broke up) calling me a slut and how he questions why we ever went out and that he didnt love me...
later that day, i got a phone call from the girl asking for help. as one of the boys passed out and she didnt know what to do. i went straight to the principle so they could get a ambulance there at once.
so all is fine now but tommorow i have to go to school and face them all.
im scared because i ratted them into the principle about wagging and drinking so they would atleast be safe then dead. but now i also have to face my ex. what should i do????
The Answer
Hold your head high and ignore them if they say anything other than "Thank you."
Your ex behaved cruelly, and stupidly. If he has any sense he'll be hanging his head and be properly ashamed of himself. If he doesn't have any sense - well, he is your ex so that isn't your problem anymore.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, no reason you can't face them with your head held high. Don't act like you did anything wrong, or people might think you did as well.
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The Question
I'm asking this question for my friend. He is 20 years old.
His roommate (also 20) and him are re-locating to a new apartment and can't decide who gets which bedroom. Each bedroom is the same size. The only difference is that one has an attached bathroom. The room without the attached bathroom has one literally five feet away, outside of the room.
Of course, they both want the room with the attached bathroom.
My friend actively went apartment searching and found the place while the other casually looked for places online. Do you think my friend deserves to get the room of his choice since he found the place? Should he pay more money for this room? Any other suggestions? Thanks!
The Answer
Whoever takes the bathroom should pay slightly more rent. This is not a 'Finders Keepers' situation. The attatched bathroom makes that room the 'master bedroom'. It's normal for the person in the master to pay slightly more rent.
If your friend wants it, he should offer to pay slightly more. Depending on the overall rent, I'd say the private bathroom is worth between $30 and $50 a month - if the apartment is really cheep that might be lower.
Arguably, this person is his friend, so he shouldn't pull childish nonsense like "I deserve it!" or "I found it." These boys are twenty, not twelve.
If they are both willing to pay more for the bathroom. Then they should flip a coin. If one of them can't live with the outcome of a coin toss - then they aren't a good match as roommates.
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The Question
I had been going out with a guy for approximately two years, waaaaay back in 2009. For our one year anniversary, he gave me a beautiful gold ring with an emerald stone as a promise ring, for me to keep until we were ready to get hitched in the future. Well, basically, things didn't work out, and I gave him the ring back because I felt awkward. May I note, I wore this ring for an ENTIRE year. Religiously. I thought it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen, back then. Anyways, he told me the next day that he was probably going to throw it into a river, and we never spoke of it since.
About one year ago, he got a new girlfriend, who just happened to be one of my best friends. Me and him attempted to be platonic friends, but it was impossible; he revealed after a few weeks that basically he couldn't stand me anymore and never wanted anything to do with me again. I obliged, and haven't spoken to him since that day.
Today, at school, I saw her talking animatedly about her one-year anniversary with this guy. Lo-and-behold, on her pointer finger, sat a gold ring with a green emerald stone. The same. Frigging. One.
I couldn't contain my emotions and walked off. I was so appalled by the fact that he had given my 'promise' ring (although it was pretty much void now) to a girl he claims to love more than life. I find this not only offensive to me, but a horrible way to treat my best friend, whom has been head over heels for this guy in ways that I can't even describe. She obviously has no idea that the ring used to be mine; she's under the impression that he bought it for her as a present.
Should I tell her that it was my ring? Or should I confront him about it? May I note, we have barely spoken in months, and he openly glares at me whenever I attempt to make eye contact. So communication will be ANYTHING but peaceful.
...help?
The Answer
Let's try and strip the high emotions out of this - Let's say, for the sake of figuring this out, that your friend was dating some other guy (not your ex) who you didn't like, but didn't hate either, and that you found out that the ring she is fawning over for her one year anniversary is only worth 5 cents? It looks really convincing, but it's cheep as dirt.
Do you tell her? Or do you keep it to yourself?
There isn't necessarily a right and wrong answer here - what you have to think on is what is right in your friendship. What is consistent in the way you talk to each other and share with each other. Forget about him - if he didn't exist at all - how you would you address her?
Personally, I'm mostly with Ninja. If it were me and most of my closest friends, I'd do my best to keep my mouth shut. It would be hard, but it wouldn't be my place to accuse. I might honestly tell my friend that I think her boyfriend isn't nearly as awesome as she does, but I'd stay quiet on the ring. There are two exceptions tho - I have two friends who would want to know, no matter what - and who I know would believe me and know I wasn't acting out of malice. Them I would tell - not because they are my closest friends, they aren't - but because that is the nature of our friendship, and I feel I know where their values would lie in that sort of situation.
Yes, what he has done is offensive, and it's lousy and cheep and inappropriate. But you have to ask yourself if it's your place to be the Offensiveness Police in her relationship.
It's not about what it might look like, if you told. Or what people might think of you. It's about your friendship with her, and what the nature of that connection is.
Whatever you do, don't talk to him. He's nothing to you. Count your lucky stars and keep it that way.
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The Question
I am crying so bad as i right this i feel horrible right now, so my boyfriend looked at porn and i found out about a year and a half ago and i came online for help because i have such a low self esteem and i felt like i was not good enough when he did this. But when i came online everyone said it was normal well all the guys of course which makes sense for them to stick up for themselves ... then we started having less pleasurable sex but i thought at least we had sex and still i came online and asked if it it was normal but like always guys said it was supposedly normal...then he couldnt get hard by me at all..and we couldnt have sex and i did not why..and i was gonna break up with him, because it was the tenth time of his softness (by that i mean not being able to get hard) it was two days before valentines but on valentines day he asked me to see him since we've been together for 4 yrs almost an i agreed ...and we had sex and i asked him why he could and he said it was because he hadnt jacked off to pornography so we got back together and sometimes he got hard and sometimes he didnt but like always i looked up online and online it said it was probably stress and ect but not my fault and i tried to think i wasnt the reason for it i wasnt the reason he could not get hard because i have always been very depressed and suicidal and im afraid thinking that will just get me off the edge so anyway he stopped looking at it cause i got birth control and he could ejaculate inside of me and thought that was way better than jacking off ...i rarely have my period because of birth control but i had my period this week and he was jacking off my to breasts and ejaculating on me since i couldnt have sex but it baffled me that he could get hard everyday this week because i thought the problem was that he would jack off...but now i get it the problem was me because when he looked at porn then looked at me & couldnt get hard because the girls there are increadibly good looking and i admit im chubby i weigh 170 am 5 4 and i have 36D breasts and a normal size butt but a sort of chubby stomach and i just feel horrible because i asked him this and he said yes i think thats why..so this whole time it was me and i got to be honest i just feel like killing myself now that ive found this out..like i asked him so like after you saw them and then you saw me you didnt find me attractive? and he admitted yes but yet the whole time he couldnt get hard i would sob because i noticed like he would only get hard for a little while then i would try to get him in and he would get soft like after i took my clothes off and i felt horrible but he swore it was because he jacked off not because of me but if that was the case wouldnt he be getting soft now?! :( i just feel horrible cause i have horrible unreachable standards ill never be as good looking as them and i cant get this horirble thought of my head that the whole time it was me who couldnt get him up!!! :( :( :(
The Answer
Dump him. Your boyfriend is a lying asshole.
It isn't your fault, and it never was. Either he is lying that he didn't find you attractive before, or he has lied to you everyday since you meet him. That makes him the worse kind of emotionally abusive scum.
It is normal and healthy to watch pornography sometimes.
It's normal and okay for a couple who have been together for a while to loose a bit of the passion and have less sex.
It is not normal, or okay, or decent for your boyfriend to blame any of this on you. That makes him an asshole. He's a jerk who decided to retreat into his own world and ignore his relationship with you. He has abandoned you, lied to you and taken advantage of you.
Maybe it's not the porn. Maybe he has a health problem or it's the stress or it's something completely different.
Whatever it is, it's obvious he doesn't wish to be open and honest with you. He has chosen to insult you and neglect instead of facing any of the actual problems in your relationship.
I know it hurts, but you can't let the lies of one selfish creep ruin your life. Dump him. Never speak to him again. Cry it out and try to move on.
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The Question
I'm a female,35, and my boyfriend's 32. We started going out 4 years ago and things were good and he said he loved me, then after about 8 months he broke up with me saying the last couple of months had felt more like a friendship and the spark had gone. I was devastated as I really loved him. We stayed in contact then about 4 months later things happened and although he had some reservations, we gave it another shot. Anyway it worked out and he said he loved me again, he didn't know what had been going through his head before. He moved in with me about 2 years ago. Our sex life over that time has got less frequent. About 3 months ago we decided to buy a flat together (my idea and I did have to persuade him a bit), but the purchase fell through and he's now just ended our relationship again for the same reason as before. He's been thinking this for the last 4 months or so, thought that buying the flat might help, but now that's fallen through he's not willing to try to inject a spark back into the relationship as he says that for him it's over. I really love him and don't know if I should let things go or if not how I can try to get him back.
The Answer
Let it go.
The best case scenario here is that you get back together with him, and this whole cycle repeats. In a few years you find yourself in the the exact same position as you are today - only having wasted more time and money in a guy who is only settling for you. This guy hardly cuts it as a friend.
Even at it's best, you deserve much better than this relationship. You need much more, if you are going to have a shot at any lasting happiness.
It's over. Let it be over.
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The Question
pros.
-babys father
-talented, and with the right mind I know he will have success in the music industry....not lil wayne sucess, or even fame, but he can support us.
-I am somewhat attracted to him
-he doesnt check out other girls or talk about them...wich i find is a rare quality
-he has been a dedicated person (before i knew him) and worked very very hard
-we share and have shared the same group of BESTFRIENDs for 6 years (we were together for 3 of them) really, like a very tight knit cirlce of best friends...that 70s show status.
Cons
-The abuse in the past has clouded my love for him
-I feel like I cant even respect him anymore
-He has bad employment history, (aside from the one timehe was a hard worker) he will work a job for a few months and get sick of it or fired....he hasnt had a job in 11 months now.
-he has said unforgivable things to me..from fat cunt (i weigh 115 lbs and have a small pudge from the baby, and big thighs and a rounded face...im working toward being tiny again though but i dont like feeling like i have to for someone else) to suck your brother's dick you would like it (i was touched by my brother when I was younger...not very badly, not even molestation but it was uncomfortable...and he uses it against me) and how im a huge bitch with no friends (also not true, i am easy to get along with and everyone loves me)
-he tried making em choose between him and my brother (because my brother beat him up after everyone found out he had been putting his hands on me for the last 6 months) I ended up throwing him out and telling him i wont chose, he now says he wont make me and he is back
-I cant leave my daughter with him at home bc he doesnt take very good care of her and throws a fit if he watches her more than once a week...so I have her in day care instead
-he feels entitled to the free ride he is recieveing at my moms house
-he hates my family...he recently tries to pretend he doesnt but i can see through it
-he usually leaves the house and goes frisbee golfing right as I get home with our daughter (now only 2 days a week...used to be everyday)
-I cant file for child support because he lives with me (my thought on that was he would get a court order saying he needs to be paying someone something and realize he needs a job..this was my last resort and i just found out it wont happen)
-not that i wanna...but i feel like he should have manned up and married me a while ago if he really had his heart in this and wasnt in it for the free ride.
-the abuse started when I was pregnant....continued until this valenties day when I called the police...(yes, he fucking ditched me on vday and told me he wanted nothing to do with my fat ass...then the next day got pissed bc he was hung over, I had to work so I needed him to wash bottles so I could take our daughter to grandmas...n he flipped callin me all sorts of terrible shit, said he was leaving.. I said FINE GO..and he wouldnt so I started throwing things at him, so he got up and chased me through the house slamming me against walls, choking me and eventually pushed me down the stairs...that was the worst it got and the last it happened)
-on mothers day, he went frisbee golfing after he promised he wouldnt...i asked him why and he said i dont wanna fucking be around you
Lately, after I have made it clear I am done with the bull...he is poutting an 80 percent effort in. He says he is looking for a job, but I dont really think he is....I HATE living at my moms, I feel terrible about it, this is MY problem I dug MYSELF a hole and I want to get out of it and into my pwn place....My dad wants to actually buy me a house but wont because babydaddy isnt doing his part and my dad doesnt want to help him....My bestfriend literally since I was three has a baby now too, and we have talked about taking advantage of that house offer together and my dad is totally for it. but i dont want to give up. I want my baby to have a daddy who is there all of the time, which i know he isnt right now but he swears hes gonna change and everytime he says he will he does for a minute, then he backtracks and theres only a small amount of change that stays. We had alot in common, but now its like were two different people...I mean we were 17 when we got together and now we are 20/21. I am not who I was when I was 17, I am much more mature than most 23 year olds I have ever met and he is still stuck at age 17. I know in my heart what I need to do, I just wish there was a better option.
The Answer
Your cons include abuse and child neglect that could easily endanger your small daughter's life. In the face of that, any possible 'pros' are meaningless.
You've been asking basically the same question here for nearly two years. I hope so much that you finally are getting the strength to do what you've been advised to do over and over again. You've rated a bunch of people 5 for telling you to dump him, but you are still here, asking the exact same question.
Remove this man from your home. He is a squatter. If he refuses to leave, your mother is free to call the cops and have them help him leave.
You are an awfully mature young woman - but you still have the thirteen year old girl's fantasy of happy little family with mommy and daddy and baby too. You will not be your best until you let go of that illusion, face facts, and get rid of the dead weight.
PLEASE, please make the change and remove this man from your life. Let him see his daughter, of course, but under controlled and supervised visits. Stay civil. Try to be friends if you can. But get him the fuck out of your house and put an end to this sham of a 'relationship' where he gets free room and board from people he treats like dirt, and you get used and abused.
It is going to break my heart if you come back here in three months and ask again "What should I do?". You (and your mother) should tell him to leave. You should have told him to leave three months ago. You should tell him to leave today. The answer will be the same three months from now.
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The Question
Hey :B I'm in eighth grade and 14.
Last week, I was at my friend Emily's house and her little brother had his friends over. Amongst them was a 12-year-old boy called Cody in 5th grade. He was really cute, the kind of kid you KNOW will be hot when he gets older ;)
So later that day, he added me on Facebook and has not stopped talking to me since. He goes to my school, and I see him around sometimes but there's no time to stop and talk.
I'm not trying to sound full of myself or anything, but I think that he has a crush on me? Because
- he always starts the conversation first
- at school if he sees me, he smiles and waves
- on Facebook, if I ask him a question, he's always like, "oh, I'll tell you tomorrow if I see you"
- if I don't see him at school one day, he messages me, "i didn't see you today :( "
- he told me that he had been held back a year in kindergarten and how he's supposed to be in sixth grade, and how sixth grade and eighth grade arent really that much of a difference :>
- He asked me to go over to Emily's house again one day so that he could meet me there
- he asked me if I was busy this weekend and if I could go to our school baseball game to watch him play
- if there's an awkward pause in the conversation, he's the one who goes , "soo, whats up?" come on talk!"
It's really cute and sweet and all. I think I may be starting to like him as well:/ I'm always thinking about him, the song that he told me was his favorite soon became my favorite, and I'm online more often in hopes that he'll come online :P
But it's just wierd dating a kid like, three grades down and I just, I dont know. I'm confused:/ What should I do from here?
The Answer
You should tell him he is sweet, but that you can't date him.
'Cause ya shouldn’t. In many states he is so young or your age difference is great enough, that there are laws against you having any sexual contact with him (and some states are vicious enough to view hand holding and kissing as sexual contact). It’s not criminal behavoir, but there are laws that are empowered to separate you.
The larger reason is that even though he is talking a good game - he isn't at the same place in life as you are. It’s not possible for him to be. It's the same thing I tell 16 year old girls who want to date 20 year old guys - or 20 year old guys who want to date 16 year olds girls. Just because the younger person knows the right things to say, doesn't mean they are ready for the actions beyond the words. Just because they talk like they are in the same place in life as you are (TV teaches us the scripts when we are very young) doesn’t mean they are. They can’t be. There are very real differences in lifestyle and expectations. You cannot be equal peers.
The difference between 5th grade and 8th grade IS huge. Regardless of what either of you feel - that’s a like trying to have romance with the grand canyon between you. It’s a huge gap in knowledge and experience. The gap between high school and grade school will feel even bigger. That gap isn’t even going to begin to close until your late teens - at the earliest. When you have similar lifestyles at school are both well into your teens, two or three years won’t feel like quite so much. Right now, three years might as well be ten years.
There is nothing wrong with liking him - obviously he likes you too. But you are going to have take a deep breath and as the older person here, take the responsibility of not letting this get out of hand. It’s a very risky thing for you both emotionally, and could even be risky for you legally. Moving beyond a friendly crush is extremely unlikely to be a healthy situation for either of you.
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The Question
I took only one shot of depo and I want to get pregnant but have not had a full period and I am bleeding brown and light for the past few weeks. How long will it take for me to have a full period. I know that is essential to ovulation.
The Answer
Well, actually, a full period is not essential to ovulation. It's just the best external sign of a healthy cycle.
Typically, the body should return to normal within three months of the depo shot wearing off - at the very longest. But this is really a question you should ask your health care provider, so they can give you personal and specific advice, and deal with any problems or confusions you might have.
It's a good idea, in generally really, to speak to a doctor about wanting to get pregnant, to get some advice and some support before you even conceive.
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The Question
So like, me and my gf live together in an aprtment in Vancouver. We've been together for about a year, but living together for just a few weeks. And lately ive been thinking that she wants me to break up with her. You know how sometimes girls dont wanna break up with you, so they act differently so you break up with THEM? Yeah, she is doing that. She is trying to make herself disgusting and ugly so that i will break up with her, and thats exactlty what she wants, but i dont want it.
Just yesterday it was her turn to do the dishes, and she left them all out and even made it worse by making it dirtier than usual. Then she went out into the rain with her shoes and walked right inside our place with her muddy, wet, shoes and got all over the floor. Then at night she took a shit with the door open and started screaming like it was funny... like WTF. I know what she is trying to do... And plus shes making herself look like a fatass when we watch tv, as if she is letting herself go, trying to make herself undesirable. She walks around with no make-up, wears nasty pajamas with a giant coffee stain on it, wears my over-sized shirts with BBQ sauce on it (that she puts there on purpose), and btw, she is a near freak, but lately shes been leaving food wrappings in her car and empty water bottles and shit, which i know isnt her. ... I know what shes trying to do. And i have no idea how to respond to this.. help?
The Answer
I think the first thing you do is take a deep breath and stop assuming so much.
It's unkind and judgemental. Even if you are right, take a deep breath and stop assuming the worst of your partner. Even if you are correct - those kinds of assumptions will kill your relationship even quicker than anything she actually does. You are allowing yourself to imagine the worst of her and are encouraging yourself to resent her. Silence and resentment. The kiss of death for any rommantic relationship.
It is possible you are seeing a side of her you genuinely didn't know.
It's possible she is exaggerating this side of her - not because she wants you to dump her - but just because she is exploring boundaries and figuring out how to live with someone else.
It could be she is under an extra amount of stress - it drives my partner nuts when I leave the lights on when I go to work, but he knows it only happens when I'm really rushed and stressed out, so he gives me a pass.
No matter what the reason she is doing this, you need to respond without assumptions or judgements, or she will get very justifiably pissed with your arrogant assumptions (whether they are right assumptions or wrong assumption, you WILL be the bad guy if approach this conversation with the arrogant assumption you can read her mind and know what she’s up too. That is not okay behavoir.)
So, take a deep breath and talk to her. Call it a 'living together check-in'. Does she have any concerns? Anything she finds particularly stressful or upsetting? Any worries? And share your worries.
Getting rid of those old clothes would be more respectfully addresses by buying her/suggesting to her new PJs or sweatpants - if they are YOUR strained clothes, throw them out already and maybe encourage her to do some throwing out/donating as well! Do NOT attack her for not wearing makeup - and yes, complaining that a girl is not wearing makeup inside her own home is an attack.
Instead, stick to legitimate complainants about your shared space. You have some very reasonable complaints like: Muddy shoes. Closing the door when you go to bathroom. Garbage lying around. I hate talking to being talked to when I’m brushing my teeth - it’s a bit silly, but my boyfriend learned that trying to have a conversation with me while he was flossing made me want to throw things at him - so he stopped it.
If you tell her that she is ‘letting herself go’ not only will you be behaving like an arrogant ass, you will have just kissed your relationship goodbye.
If you are right, time will tell. But instead of ruining your relationship with nasty assumptions. Give the relationship - and your partner - the benefit of the doubt and the chance to improve, by laying down a few fair cohabitation rules (take off the muddy shoes and close the bathroom door) and making some suggestions (I hate these stained old clothes, wanna throw a bunch of crap out and then go shopping?)
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The Question
im 18/f and my boyfriend is 19/m
My mum has told me in the past, before i ever had a boyfriend, that she's aware that i'm at the age where ill start to get sexually active. I never had a boyfriend during high school or anything and never have done anything more then kissed a guy. She was proud of me for holding out on having sex and everything considering alot of my friends lost their virginity when they were 15-16.
My mum is the kind of person that makes alot of jokes about things, but its this jokes that are making things very awkward for me. In the past i wouldn't have minded cause i was single and she knew there was no one that i would be sleeping with. But now i have my very first boyfriend, and the things she says are really affecting me.Especially when i need to talk to her about being safe. When i first told her that the boy of my dreams took me to the lookout on a mountain overlooking the city and asked me out, the first thing she said was "he didn't knock you up or something did he?". She keeps making remarks about me and my boyfriend and it makes things awkward and its making me scared to have a very important talk with her. She lets me stay over his house and everything, and tells me she trusts me, but then she goes and asks my sister if im having sex with my boyfriend when i stay at his house, and when my sister said no, she sighed heavily and said she was so relieved.
My boyfriend and I, have talked about sex. We both want to wait a while and not rush into anything, as i'm still a virgin and he is willing to wait till i'm ready. He wants to make it special for me and told me that he can wait as long as needed, he also doesn't want to move too quickly. The thing is, we both think its a smart idea for me to go on the pill, so that we have protection for when that day comes. My body also needs a couple of months to adjust to the pill itself, and i dont think theres any harm in starting it now, so that i have that security. The thing is, i was meant to go on the pill a couple of months ago, before i even had a boyfriend, due to excruciating period pain. But i kept putting it off.
now im stuck in a very awkward situation. I feel like i cant talk to my mum about going on the pill and getting protected, so that when me and my boyfriend are ready, we will be safe. Most parents would appreciate their daughters confiding in them about sex and being responsible and making smart decision in regards to preventing pregnancy, but i cant seem to do that now knowing how much she doesn't want me to have sex etc etc. The thing is, when i do tell her, i want to let her know i wont be having sex anytime soon. I feel almost like the adult in this situation, as i want to be safe and she seems to make a joke out of anything. It hurts me when she assumes my boyfriend is careless and only after one thing, when she doesn't understand he's not like that and wouldn't force anything on me if i didn't want to do it.
The Answer
Hun, your mother is behaving this way because you aren't talking to her about the issue.
Yes, it's a vicious cycle - her jokes and questions make it harder for you to have the conversation, and the longer you wait the more she'll joke and question. Jokes are the ways she is dealing with her discomfort, and they might seem to her to be her only way into your life at all. You are locking her out. She is looking to get a response from you.
Many parents would appreciate their daughters confiding in them - but almost NONE of those parents would be HAPPY their daughter was having sex! Those are very separate issues that your stress and inexperience are trying to turn into the same issue.
You need to grow up a bit, and let your mother have her own feelings about your relationship and sex life - even negative feelings - without letting those feelings alter what you know it right for you. You are being called on to be an adult in this situation, because in this exchange with your mother you are BOTH adults, and in this conversation it falls to adult you (not adult your mom) to breech the subject.
As you grow older your mother is going to feel safer sharing herself and her opinions with you - personal things she likely protected you from more when you are younger. And you are going to need to accept her for who she is and what she feels, just the way she has to accept who you are and what you feel.
Right now, you are stuck between being a child (who is terrified of her mother’s disapproval) and being adult (who can accept her mother’s emotions, without letting them rule the situation or assuming her every stress means she disapproves or is angry).
Your mom is trying to reach out to you. You might not love the way she is doing that - but I’d suggest that’s primarily because you are scared and inexperienced - not because your mother is misbehaving. Your mother’s only crime here is not recognizing the best way to approach her adult daughter about this issue - but you haven’t told her how you’d like to her approach it either! So, forgive her for that, and start the conversation you both obviously want to have. You might even start the conversation with something like “Mom, you know I’m inexperienced and new to this, but when you joke about my boyfriend and sex, I get really uncomfortable and don’t know how to talk to you about the important things I want to share with you. So please, no more jokes. I’m just too confused about how to have this conversation with you to find them funny right now.”
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The Question
Her favorite actress was in it and she loves it so much she started to cry. What can I do to help her feel better ? How can I make her stop crying ?
The Answer
She feels fine. Crying is part of her enjoyment of films.
Maybe instead of making strange little situations up over and over again, you should ask for advice about your actual problems, so the columnists here can offer you actual help.
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The Question
Well im ready and he tells me that hes ready but he wants to wait until he gets up on his feet, and gets his own place... Ive told him that i dont care if its a ring out of the 50 cent thing but he tells me that " no i want you to have the best you can get" or something along thos lines... Is he just trying to avode it or do you think that he really wants to wait...? All i want is to be able to let other people know that im his and you cant have it... And no this is not the reason that i want him to ask... I truly love him with all my heart and soul... I want to be with him forever and i want to start my forever with him... Sorry it was so long.
USA/F/18
The Answer
He is not ready. He is telling you that he isn’t ready. He probably does love you and wants to marry you, but he isn’t ready. For him, personally, the ring and the place of his own are an important part of being ready, and you need to respect that. You don't get to define what 'ready' is for him. His idea of what 'ready' means are very important as well.
You need to try to enjoy the life you have together in the place and time you are together now, or else you will doom your future by disrespecting his opinions, his values and his timeline. If you are going to be together forever, then your forever has ALREADY STARTED. Right now. This is your forever happening each day. What you are doing right now, is an important part of your forever. Give this time - and your boyfriend life at this time - the respect it deserves. You are young and preparing for independent life. Let him have some prep time to get to the kind of independent life - with you - that he desires.
It’s okay to want something, but when you are in an equal, loving relationship with another human being, you have to take into consideration what they want too! Right now, you aren’t doing that for your boyfriend even though he has been very clear about what he wants and needs to be able to move forward to the next step.
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The Question
okay. i know alot of people say that being a homoselual is a sin. or in proper terms an abomination. Im gay and i would like to have a relationship with god and christ. but could i really have salvation, being what i am. I dont know because i hear reverends from both the liberal and conservative christian faiths give their " biblical facts" and i just dont know. any help will be great, thanks. :)
The Answer
You are not going to find what you are looking for. If the bible had all the REAL, indisputable answers on this sort of issue, then no one would ever argue or disagree about it. There wouldn't be dozens of different types and denominations of Christianity, because people could just look at the REAL answers in the bible.
The bible is a collection of stories and rules, written down in one point in time, translated at several different other points in time hundreds of years later, and then edited down and selected by religious leaders a few hundred years further on.
People are not going to agree on one interpretation, one translation, one image or understanding. You may personally find, after study and research, that there is one particular understanding of biblical words that you accept as true (or even merely, the most likely to be true.) That will need to based on your personal understanding, beliefs and relationship with God. It wont simply leap out of the biblical text and knock ya in the head.
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The Question
Lately. all my boyfriend and i have been doing is fighting. He's saying i don't trust him at all. And before i go further into detail. I met him online. and i know what has happened to people who have met someone online. But back to the point, He has accused me of stalking his comments. Which i have only because i want to make sure my comments have been going through. Back to what i was saying. He just doesnt think i trust him. or love him too. And i don't know how i can prove to him that i do love him. And ontop of this all. His friends are saying im stupid for not knowing what i did wrong. And this is my first relationship too.
The Answer
You can't.
Either your partner respects you and trusts you when you speak - or they don't.
Quite honestly, between your boyfriend being a long-distance, uncommunicative, suspicious and refusing to believe you... well, that's a lousy relationship for you to be in, regardless of any mistake you might have made.
There isn't enough in your question to tell anyone if you did anything wrong, or what it might have been, or how to fix it. There is plenty enough in this question to tell us that this guy and his friends are behaving like assholes, and that the relationship isn't working for either of you.
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The Question
The last time I spoke to my father was in 2009, To make it simple he choose to a life with his wife and decided to walk out on my sister and I as well as 4 grandchildren. I was at a local super center walmart about 3 months ago and walked into a Subway while my dad and his wife just happened to be in the corner, I did not make eye contact nor did I exchange any words between the two. I am still very angry over the fact that he had choose to walk out.
My friend of 13 years decided 3 months ago that we've grown apart and are in different stages in our lives. I can't come to terms too how she doesn't even acknowledge my existence especially when she lives in the apartment building next to mine.
Now what I'm asking is, How can I except the fact that people have moved on with their lives so I can learn to move on with mine? Another issue I've always had is processing "time" My partner keeps trying to get me too realize that 2 years is a long time, 3 months is a good while and while it all feels to me just last week. I can't even come to terms with the fact that my own father didn't even acknowledge me.
The Answer
Therapy.
Your question is a bit convoluted. You've got a bunch of separate issues.
You are bitter. You are being hypocritical. You seem to speak with pride that you refused to even make eye contact with your father due to your anger, yet are surprised he didn't go out of his way to acknowledge you and act agianst your obvious desire to ignore him? That's a very confused state of mind.
So, therapy. Start to talk to someone calmly and rationally about these patterns of thinking that are causing your confusion and the pain of not being able to let go - they are also contributing to your anger. It's okay to be angry and to choose not to have contact with someone, but the degree of anger and irrationality you are experiencing - that is something you need to unpack.
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The Question
My situation seems to be different from anything I’ve ever heard of or read about. I love my wife dearly, but I’m about ready to walk out the door because my own emotional ‘love bucket’ has run dry.
My story starts in the 15th year of our marriage: at Valentines we had a marriage vow renewal ceremony then shortly after (March 5th) she told me about her infidelities during the previous years. Actually, she told me about 4 and it wasn’t until much later that I found out the number was way higher.
She’s said she was sorry, that she’d never wanted to hurt me, that she’d been ‘sick’, that she’d only done it for the attention and she just wanted me to forgive and forget and we could just go on as if nothing had ever happened.
When I cried and told her how much this hurt, she got angry and defensive. My position was (and still is), “You destroyed something that was very precious to me: what are you going to do to make up for that? I don’t know if I can ever trust or believe you again: what are you going to do about that?”
Her position: “Nothing! I stopped, didn’t I? Beyond that I don’t owe you anything.”
Even if our sex life hadn’t dried up, I doubt that I could muster much enthusiasm for a woman who turned out to be so much different from the girl I thought I’d married.
If only she hadn’t told me! My advice to every adulterer is: don’t ever tell unless there’s a burning chance that he/she will find out – in which case you need to tell them before they find out on their own.
I don’t want much: I was promised love, honor and faithfulness and I want that! If I can’t have that then I at least want a substitute I can live with.
The other side of the coin is that during this time I was a radio / tv broadcaster. The opportunities for me to have been unfaithful to her were abundant. Nope! Not once. Not even close.
Which leads me to the other edge of my sword of frustration: had I taken advantage of those opportunities then right now, we’d be on equal footing.
What would you do?
The Answer
Go to therapy. Both together, and separately.
Whether this marriage can continue, or if you come to conclusion it cannot, you need a safe place to speak honestly and examine your feelings and hear hers. You've both continued on in these vacuums of your own minds for too long. It's toxic, and left to your own devices, it will only get worse.
Both of you are taking absolute positions. Your demand 'You have to make it up to me' is nearly as absurd as "I stopped it so it doesn't matter".
What you are feeling is fine and fair - but the thoughts these feelings are leading you to entertain are a bit irrational, and what's worse, are clear paths to additional misery for you.
Go to therapy. Even if what you want is out of the marriage. Go to therapy and get that professional help through the negotiations of the end. It doesn't have to be amicable, but it can always be civil. Take the high road while you can still manage it, for your own sake.
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