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long term infidelity
My situation seems to be different from anything I’ve ever heard of or read about. I love my wife dearly, but I’m about ready to walk out the door because my own emotional ‘love bucket’ has run dry.
My story starts in the 15th year of our marriage: at Valentines we had a marriage vow renewal ceremony then shortly after (March 5th) she told me about her infidelities during the previous years. Actually, she told me about 4 and it wasn’t until much later that I found out the number was way higher.
She’s said she was sorry, that she’d never wanted to hurt me, that she’d been ‘sick’, that she’d only done it for the attention and she just wanted me to forgive and forget and we could just go on as if nothing had ever happened.
When I cried and told her how much this hurt, she got angry and defensive. My position was (and still is), “You destroyed something that was very precious to me: what are you going to do to make up for that? I don’t know if I can ever trust or believe you again: what are you going to do about that?”
Her position: “Nothing! I stopped, didn’t I? Beyond that I don’t owe you anything.”
Even if our sex life hadn’t dried up, I doubt that I could muster much enthusiasm for a woman who turned out to be so much different from the girl I thought I’d married.
If only she hadn’t told me! My advice to every adulterer is: don’t ever tell unless there’s a burning chance that he/she will find out – in which case you need to tell them before they find out on their own.
I don’t want much: I was promised love, honor and faithfulness and I want that! If I can’t have that then I at least want a substitute I can live with.
The other side of the coin is that during this time I was a radio / tv broadcaster. The opportunities for me to have been unfaithful to her were abundant. Nope! Not once. Not even close.
Which leads me to the other edge of my sword of frustration: had I taken advantage of those opportunities then right now, we’d be on equal footing.
What would you do?
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While thinking of how to answer you I keep being drawn back to the last part of your letter; "had I taken advantage of those opportunities then right now, we’d be on equal footing."
To me this comes under the heading of you thinking that two wrongs would make a right. I think you know that is not true and I ask that you not think that way. This is part of what is tearing you up. The fact that you had opportunities but you stayed faithful to your wife and have found out she was unfaithful. This is anger thinking.
A divorce may be in your future. This is something you have to decide, I or we cannot make that decision for you. What I can do is tell you I see a lot of anger in your writing and rightfully so. This anger will continue to impede you good sense in this matter until you get it either under control or out of your system.
The thought of marriage counseling both together and separate sessions is a good idea. Somehow I have the feeling your wife may not be agreeable to this. Also marriage counseling statistically ends more marriages than it saves. What it will do for you, even if you go alone, is give you the therapeutic source to get things out of your system with a trained counselor who can help you understand and put things in their proper perspective.
Once you can see things in their proper perspective, then you can make a proper decision. Decisions made under stress, which you are under at this time, are generally the type you end up hating yourself for.
My best advice is to seek marriage counseling. If your wife won't go then go alone. Once you have gotten your anger and stress under control you can then make a proper decision as to Wat direction you want your life to take. The worst thing you can do right now is to have an affair to get back at your wife. You will wind up hating yourself and you will give her ammunition to fight you with.
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Go to therapy. Both together, and separately.
Whether this marriage can continue, or if you come to conclusion it cannot, you need a safe place to speak honestly and examine your feelings and hear hers. You've both continued on in these vacuums of your own minds for too long. It's toxic, and left to your own devices, it will only get worse.
Both of you are taking absolute positions. Your demand 'You have to make it up to me' is nearly as absurd as "I stopped it so it doesn't matter".
What you are feeling is fine and fair - but the thoughts these feelings are leading you to entertain are a bit irrational, and what's worse, are clear paths to additional misery for you.
Go to therapy. Even if what you want is out of the marriage. Go to therapy and get that professional help through the negotiations of the end. It doesn't have to be amicable, but it can always be civil. Take the high road while you can still manage it, for your own sake.
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I hate to say it but once a cheater always a cheater. There's a 99.9% chance she'll do it again in the future. She may be remorseful right now but when things have smoothed over and she feels that need for attention again, she'll stray. Fifteen years is a very long time to invest in someone and very hard to let go but for your happiness and best interest, it may be time to let her go. I hope the best for you and hope you find someone that will treat you the way you deserve.
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I'd divorce her, personally.
Fifteen years of marriage is alot of investment. I don't make that suggestion lightly. But her unrepentant behavior and "I don't owe you anything" is flat out selfish. She wants to have whatever she wants when she wants it. She wanted to cheat, now she wants an honest relationship and thinks that she should just get it, and if she decides she wants to cheat in the future she will again.
Make no mistake about that. Someone who responds "I stopped, didn't I? I don't owe you anything beyond that" is flat out wrong. Marriage isn't about what she thinks she owes you, it's about what you need, and you need trust you will never get from her, fidelity that she hasn't and will continue to not provide.
No, if you'd cheated too, you'd not be on equal footing. Because you want things out of her and out of this relationship she seems incapable of providing for you. She doesn't think infidelity is what you think it is. She's minimizing it because she wants what she wants and you married a spoiled fucking brat.
No offense, it's not your fault she was willing to lie and you trusted her. I trust my wife with stuff like this every day. If I found out that trust was invalidated I'd walk immediately.
If you want to try to make it work, go see a counselor. If you're looking for permission to divorce her, consider such permission granted. I don't think she will ever give you the peace of mind you need to recover this relationship, personally.
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I'd go see a marriage counselor. Right away. Its hard to believe it right now, because you are so hurt, but other people have been through this, and they have fought through to find a pretty amazing marriage on the other side of it. Believe it or not, your marriage isn't over. Yet. But you do need to take steps to save it. Even if you both decide it can't be saved, seeing a therapist will help you talk to each other in a way that you can each hear and understand. Perhaps your wife needs a third party to help her clearly understand the devastation she has brought to the marriage, and perhaps you need a third party to be able to express how you feel in a way she can understand. You're angry and hurt right now. You should be. But because of the high emotion, this isn't a good time to be making decisions that will affect you and your family forever. So ask your wife to go with you to counseling. If she refuses, go alone. You can't and shouldn't be dealing with this by yourself. You both need professional help to push through and decided what comes next in your lives. You can do this.
Response: Then try a regular professional, non-religious. If you don't do EVERYTHING you can before you walk away you may never really be able to heal down the road.
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Lets not look at this as a competition or whether you'd be equal should you also be unfaithful. The saying "two wrongs don't make a right" is extremely fitting for this situation.
It seems as though you're more emotionally bound to your wife and to your relationship with her more than she. The entire foundation of your relationship with her has been shaken; there is no functional relationship without the basic necessity of truth. Not only did she betray you with infidelity but she lied to you when "confessing". it begs the question: what more, if anything, is she hiding from me?
Furthermore her total indifference to how shocked and hurt you are as well as a complete lack of genuine remorse really does disappoint. As if she were an adolescent, she really does not accept the responsibility of the position she put you in and the jeopardy of your relationship.
If she really is unwell to the point where she is a diagnosed sex addict or something of the sort then there may be some sort of relief in that. However, from what you have described this does not seem to be the case. To cheat once or even twice, it is possible to try to make the relationship work. Yet continuous acts of infidelity as well as completely lacking the effort to contribute to your relationship and marriage in any way that would see you both working your way towards a happier future cannot be ignored and this is not something you signed up for upon making your vows, neither is it something that you deserve.
People chance a lot in fifteen years; sometimes into people we no longer recognise. Perhaps its time to crack down and get things going. Maybe visit a marriage councellor. Get your feelings, thoughts, truths, goals and expectations out. You will have the chance to analyze and explore your relationship in a controlled and professional environment with unbiased feedback and support from something who specialises in the subject.
Ask yourself what you want and expect from one another, whether you're even in love with each other and whether you want to put the effort into making major changes in your marriage.
I acknowledge that after investing a significant amount of your life and feelings into a person and what you have together that it is not easy to make a decision and that any decision made is an entirely emotional one, not one of logic. It is ultimately your decision. Its whether you love each other enough to exhaust every option before calling it quits.
I also realise you may not appreciate relationship advice from someone bound to be half your age. Yet I have been in many adult situations and relationships from a very early age and have been through more than most will go through in their lifetime. Whether you take on board what I have to say is entirely your choice. I am simply stating an opinion in the hopes of offering some sort of help or support to a person in need of it.
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