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is she trying to tell me something
So like, me and my gf live together in an aprtment in Vancouver. We've been together for about a year, but living together for just a few weeks. And lately ive been thinking that she wants me to break up with her. You know how sometimes girls dont wanna break up with you, so they act differently so you break up with THEM? Yeah, she is doing that. She is trying to make herself disgusting and ugly so that i will break up with her, and thats exactlty what she wants, but i dont want it.
Just yesterday it was her turn to do the dishes, and she left them all out and even made it worse by making it dirtier than usual. Then she went out into the rain with her shoes and walked right inside our place with her muddy, wet, shoes and got all over the floor. Then at night she took a shit with the door open and started screaming like it was funny... like WTF. I know what she is trying to do... And plus shes making herself look like a fatass when we watch tv, as if she is letting herself go, trying to make herself undesirable. She walks around with no make-up, wears nasty pajamas with a giant coffee stain on it, wears my over-sized shirts with BBQ sauce on it (that she puts there on purpose), and btw, she is a near freak, but lately shes been leaving food wrappings in her car and empty water bottles and shit, which i know isnt her. ... I know what shes trying to do. And i have no idea how to respond to this.. help?
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Dude, she has checked out of the relationship but doesn't want the guilt of initiating the breakup. You clinging to her makes you look weak and needy to both her and any girl who knows you. So you gotta hit the eject button. When it's over it is over, okay?
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Dear "is she trying to tell me something",
It's all about communication. You have listed quite a few things that clearly are not setting right with you. Before you make the assumption that she just wants to break up with you, talk to her.
You've been together for about a year right? Well here's some news for you; you can be with someone for years upon years but when you actually LIVE with the person, that's when you truly get to know them.
For all you know, this could really be how she is in the home. I'm sure you've had sleep-overs during your year of being together but now you live together, this is now her home where she feels 100% comfortable. Therefore, she's expressing it in what you find to be a grotesque way.
If this is the case, then there needs to be some rules set. R-e-s-p-e-c-t should be the number one rule. It's all fine an dandy for her to lounge around in over-sized clothes, some women enjoy that! It's a huge release from the form-fitting clothes they are use to. BUT the stomping around the home in muddy shoes, and leaving you to do all the house-hold chores is disrespectful and needs to be addressed in a positive manor. I think your system of "taking turns" on the dishes is brilliant and beyond fair!
On the flip-side; if this is indeed a ploy to get you to break up with her, then unfortunately you need to mentally prepare yourself for that. This immature behavior is obviously something your not too keen on so talk to her. Find out what the issue is, maybe it is something you can fix, maybe it isn't but you need to prepare for both scenarios! Have the upper hand.
Here's hoping!
Braylen
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Sit her down. Ask her if there's something she wants to talk about, or if anything's bothering her. She might want to break up, or it could be something completely unrelated. Something could have happened in her family, who knows? If you don't say anything, this could go on for a LONG time.
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I think the first thing you do is take a deep breath and stop assuming so much.
It's unkind and judgemental. Even if you are right, take a deep breath and stop assuming the worst of your partner. Even if you are correct - those kinds of assumptions will kill your relationship even quicker than anything she actually does. You are allowing yourself to imagine the worst of her and are encouraging yourself to resent her. Silence and resentment. The kiss of death for any rommantic relationship.
It is possible you are seeing a side of her you genuinely didn't know.
It's possible she is exaggerating this side of her - not because she wants you to dump her - but just because she is exploring boundaries and figuring out how to live with someone else.
It could be she is under an extra amount of stress - it drives my partner nuts when I leave the lights on when I go to work, but he knows it only happens when I'm really rushed and stressed out, so he gives me a pass.
No matter what the reason she is doing this, you need to respond without assumptions or judgements, or she will get very justifiably pissed with your arrogant assumptions (whether they are right assumptions or wrong assumption, you WILL be the bad guy if approach this conversation with the arrogant assumption you can read her mind and know what she’s up too. That is not okay behavoir.)
So, take a deep breath and talk to her. Call it a 'living together check-in'. Does she have any concerns? Anything she finds particularly stressful or upsetting? Any worries? And share your worries.
Getting rid of those old clothes would be more respectfully addresses by buying her/suggesting to her new PJs or sweatpants - if they are YOUR strained clothes, throw them out already and maybe encourage her to do some throwing out/donating as well! Do NOT attack her for not wearing makeup - and yes, complaining that a girl is not wearing makeup inside her own home is an attack.
Instead, stick to legitimate complainants about your shared space. You have some very reasonable complaints like: Muddy shoes. Closing the door when you go to bathroom. Garbage lying around. I hate talking to being talked to when I’m brushing my teeth - it’s a bit silly, but my boyfriend learned that trying to have a conversation with me while he was flossing made me want to throw things at him - so he stopped it.
If you tell her that she is ‘letting herself go’ not only will you be behaving like an arrogant ass, you will have just kissed your relationship goodbye.
If you are right, time will tell. But instead of ruining your relationship with nasty assumptions. Give the relationship - and your partner - the benefit of the doubt and the chance to improve, by laying down a few fair cohabitation rules (take off the muddy shoes and close the bathroom door) and making some suggestions (I hate these stained old clothes, wanna throw a bunch of crap out and then go shopping?)
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