AskBraylen's advice column

askAskBraylen

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: I'm 22 and a female. There’s this guy I've been seeing for two mounts. He's the type of guy I could really fall for.
I see him every day, and if for some reason I don't we text or he'll call me.
Well one night he went out with some friends to have a drink.
I went over later that night, his guard was down and he told me that he wants to be a better man when I’m around, and that he could see himself growing old with me and things of that sort.
Since that night I have not heard from him. What do you think happened?

Dear "lost & confused",

I can 100% understand why your wondering what happened to your admirer. There are a lot of reasons why you haven't heard from him since that faithful night but there is one possibility that is standing out to me the most.

You have this guy all vulnerable in your midsts and he totally pours his heart out to you, let's face it, most guys don't do that so valiantly. I have strong reason to believe that he feels embarrassed from what he said. Not saying that it wasn't true, but a conversation like that is pretty heart-felt and deep. I can imagine he's wondering if he sounded "cheesy" or "Lame".

I think you should contact him first, don't wait around for him to contact you. He made the first step of admitting his true feelings for you. Telling him how you feel (assuming their good thoughts) will definitely give him that extra confidence he needs to come crawling out of the hole he's hiding in.

Ah! Young Romance,

Braylen

Q: So I just got out of a three year relationship with a guy I thought I loved. The break up ended with a huge heart break and me in the hospital for personal reasons... Well I was in the hospital the guy came to our house and moved all of his things out. One week later he moved in with his ex girlfriend. He broke up with her two weeks later then called me to talk. He came over and refused to talk about our relationship, he only wanted to talk about the other girl. After I caved in and gave him my advice he left he did this for about four mounts with plenty of new girls. Why does he feel the need to keep on hurting me? Am I wrong for caring about his feelings and giving him advice? I just don't know what to do with him anymore. BUMMED!

Dear "Why is he doing this to me?",

Putting this in simple terms. "A stray dog will always find his way back home". Why? Because they know where they get fed. This man is as low of a dog as you can find and every single time he comes back to your place, you feed him the attention that he craves!

I would like to think that he isn't doing this to hurt you, he confides in you because you allow him to. He doesn't see this as harming you, trust me. We as human beings think that once a guy/girl leaves us or vice versus, that we need to expel all communication from that person. Well there are some of us, (in particular, your ex), who don't think that way at all.

Your not in the wrong for giving him advice or for caring for him. But this obviously is not healthy for you. In this particular situation you need to cut him off. If you can't handle him being in your life in the way that he has chosen to be, then it's time to move on. I can guess that in the back of your mind; you caring for him and being there for him will make things right and maybe even resurrect the relationship, but you don't need this.

It's time you take time away from him to gather your strength so you can stop cradling him. Go out with your friends, go see a movie, take a personal day. Whatever you do, make sure it doesn't involve him. I know it's going to be tough, but it's something that has to be done for your sake!

wishing you all the best,

Braylen

Q: I'm a female,35, and my boyfriend's 32. We started going out 4 years ago and things were good and he said he loved me, then after about 8 months he broke up with me saying the last couple of months had felt more like a friendship and the spark had gone. I was devastated as I really loved him. We stayed in contact then about 4 months later things happened and although he had some reservations, we gave it another shot. Anyway it worked out and he said he loved me again, he didn't know what had been going through his head before. He moved in with me about 2 years ago. Our sex life over that time has got less frequent. About 3 months ago we decided to buy a flat together (my idea and I did have to persuade him a bit), but the purchase fell through and he's now just ended our relationship again for the same reason as before. He's been thinking this for the last 4 months or so, thought that buying the flat might help, but now that's fallen through he's not willing to try to inject a spark back into the relationship as he says that for him it's over. I really love him and don't know if I should let things go or if not how I can try to get him back.

Dear "He's ended our relationship as he feels we're just friends",

Do you like amusement parks? Because this relationship reminds me a lot of a roller-coaster! Silly comparison right? Well not as silly as you putting your all into this relationship with a guy who to me, sounds very uncertain of things.

You are 35 years old and from what I have read, you know what you want and you mean business! A woman like you deserves a man who is just as sure of what he wants in life-if not more so! Your taking life by the reins while your now ex was not.

My advice to you; I understand love, and I understand that you really love him BUT I think it's time you move on before the next time he decides to end things (assuming you got back together) you're dollars-deep invested in a house. Then what? It becomes a whole different problem. You have the means to find you're Mr. Right and who knows, maybe your ex is Mr. Right? But until he realizes what he wants, don't put yourself through anymore turmoil.

Not a fan of roller-coasters,

Braylen

Q: (I'm 20 and he's 21 will be 22 in July, and he just got his associates degree in accounting and will be going to school for his bachelors this fall.)

I've recently started dating this guy. He's a really great person and I really enjoy spending time with him, however he does live in another state so in a way we are kind of long distance.

I started talking to him in November, we met on a dating site. At first I thought he was kind of weird, and I dated another guy which didn't last long. When that guy and I broke up, I asked him a question about my relationship with that guy to see if he thought that I had a chance of getting back with him. We started talking a lot after that, that was back in January.

We finally met in March, a meeting that went over really well. I've ended up getting hurt in break ups previously, I always seemed to be the one to be getting dumped by guys who didn't want to commit to me for whatever reason. It wasn't that they didn't like me, they just decided to emotionally withdraw themselves from me. He convinced me that he thought that I was beautiful and that he would never cheat on me, or doing anything to hurt me purposely. He said that he couldn't guarantee that we'd be together forever but that he wouldn't hurt me.

One thing that I noticed before this all happened is that they stopped calling me. So, when my boyfriend doesn't call me every night I get insecure. I've told him this in the past however sometimes he doesn't call me. Is this something that I should get upset over? Should I reconsider this relationship? A part of me really doesn't and I know that I would hurt myself, he's really supportive and I know that he really cares for me. I care for him and want to be supportive of him, it just bugs me that he doesn't take the time to call me every single night. When he doesn't call me I get so worried that he's going to break up with me, or that we're going to grow apart from not talking to each other.

Dear "Feeling Insecure"

I am so sorry to hear that you've been hurt in the past by men, but let's just get this out of the way: You simply cannot hold what your ex's did to you against your current boyfriend because in reality; the relationship won't last much longer if you continue this behavior.

It's hard, it's so hard to believe that the next guy that you let inside your heart won't hurt you but it's always key to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Now let's talk about this phone call miss-hap your having. Long distance relationships can be tough, that one phone call can be the difference between a good nights sleep or a frantic series of how your currently feeling; insecure. With that said, you shouldn't base rather or not you want to be with someone if they don't have the time to call you EVERY single night.

My advice to you would be to give this guy a chance. Your boyfriend has an associates degree in accounting and is going for his bachelors. He has to study and there maybe be other factors going on that day that he just can't make the time to call you and you may not want to hear it but; if he doesn't call you and you feel that you absolutely need to talk to him that night; pick up the phone and call him.

hoping you'll shake the past away,

Braylen

Q: Hey :B I'm in eighth grade and 14.

Last week, I was at my friend Emily's house and her little brother had his friends over. Amongst them was a 12-year-old boy called Cody in 5th grade. He was really cute, the kind of kid you KNOW will be hot when he gets older ;)

So later that day, he added me on Facebook and has not stopped talking to me since. He goes to my school, and I see him around sometimes but there's no time to stop and talk.
I'm not trying to sound full of myself or anything, but I think that he has a crush on me? Because

- he always starts the conversation first
- at school if he sees me, he smiles and waves
- on Facebook, if I ask him a question, he's always like, "oh, I'll tell you tomorrow if I see you"
- if I don't see him at school one day, he messages me, "i didn't see you today :( "
- he told me that he had been held back a year in kindergarten and how he's supposed to be in sixth grade, and how sixth grade and eighth grade arent really that much of a difference :>
- He asked me to go over to Emily's house again one day so that he could meet me there
- he asked me if I was busy this weekend and if I could go to our school baseball game to watch him play
- if there's an awkward pause in the conversation, he's the one who goes , "soo, whats up?" come on talk!"

It's really cute and sweet and all. I think I may be starting to like him as well:/ I'm always thinking about him, the song that he told me was his favorite soon became my favorite, and I'm online more often in hopes that he'll come online :P

But it's just wierd dating a kid like, three grades down and I just, I dont know. I'm confused:/ What should I do from here?

Dear "he's two years younger, he likes me, what should I do?"

I have to admit, when I first read your question; I couldn't help but smile because this is a classic case of a 12 year old boy crushing on an older girl. Happens all the time!

There are several issues here but one of the main ones you need to focus on is, you start high school after summer right? Well the 9th grade. You need to look at it from that perspective. While your starting your young adult life and braving the chapters of high school. Your boy crush will be starting his pre-teen life in middle school.

It isn't so wrong that your crushing on this kid, after all he sounds like a total heartbreaker but let's take a look at something current; How many grown women wish they could be with Justin Bieber? The answer, TOO MANY! LOL So it's not so uncommon for an older girl to crush on a younger boy.

BUT you said it yourself "it's just weird dating a KID" and "KID" is the key word here. My advice to you is to not take it to that next step until he is at least in high school with you. That's a long time from now right? Which is exactly why you shouldn't go for him. Your branching into a whole new level of life. After school activities, new trends, new clicks, the famous "Am I too cool to ride the bus now?" question, and of course. New but guys. Who will be your age and in your category of maturity. Just a little imagery. You really wouldn't want to be seen hold hands with a 12 year old at the movies would you?

So take some time to yourself and really think about what I told you. Not that this kid doesn't deserve a chance but he is way too young to even be dating anyway. At least to be dating a high school girl.

Hope this helped,

Braylen

Q: So I dated this guy for about a year, he broke up with me a few days before our anniversary during Christmas break. We've been split for 5 months it'll be six in three weeks. Well, I started dating the sweetest guy, he's my best friends boyfriend's best friend. And we hated each other, but after a while we grew close and we started dating three weeks ago. I adore him a lot and I'm so happy to be with him, due to both of our prior relationships we decided to take things slowly, we don't love each other and we don't plan on having sex any time soon, though we have done other things. He's a great guy and he really gets me. He says he doesn't want to get cheated again because the girl he dated cheated on him and treated him like shit and made fun of his religion. But when I see me ex I still feel that pit in my stomach and I still care for him, a part of me still loves him, but not the way I did, but just as a person that once was such a big part of my life. I care about him still and wish that we could be friends since we were friends for four years before we dated. I am happy now but sometimes I still dwell on what could have been. So my question is, should I bail on this relationship? I adore the guy but I feel like if I still feel something even though it isn't a lot it isn't right. But I feel like if I stay I could eventually love this guy and things could work out. I know that if I left I would not go back to my ex, because 1, he doesn't want me back, 2, I don't want him back, 3, he is leaving to be in the peace corps or something like that or so I've heard. So should I stay with this guy and try to get over this feeling of attachment to my ex? or should I leave him and continue being single?

Dear "He's great, but I still feel attached",

The first thing you need to do here is be honest with yourself. You stated at the end of your statement that you don't want your ex back. But if that were entirely true than you wouldn't be sitting here with this dilemma.

The way I see it, you have a great guy who you could potentially fall for but you need to be with him for the right reasons for his sake and for yours. By this I mean, be with him because you genuinely like him, make sure it's not because he's filling in that void that your ex left. That wouldn't be very fair to either of you.

You see we tend to think that a new guy/girl can help us get over the old one. Now I will admit, it for sure makes the pain a little less but in the end your not really fixing anything.

My advice to you would be to make sure your able to continue this relationship with a clear head and the right track playing in your heart. Once you've decided if your in it to win it, then that should be your deciding factor. Just don't lead said boyfriend on in the meantime. You have to fix yourself before you can successfully move on into another relationship.

Hope this helped,

Braylen

Q: So like, me and my gf live together in an aprtment in Vancouver. We've been together for about a year, but living together for just a few weeks. And lately ive been thinking that she wants me to break up with her. You know how sometimes girls dont wanna break up with you, so they act differently so you break up with THEM? Yeah, she is doing that. She is trying to make herself disgusting and ugly so that i will break up with her, and thats exactlty what she wants, but i dont want it.
Just yesterday it was her turn to do the dishes, and she left them all out and even made it worse by making it dirtier than usual. Then she went out into the rain with her shoes and walked right inside our place with her muddy, wet, shoes and got all over the floor. Then at night she took a shit with the door open and started screaming like it was funny... like WTF. I know what she is trying to do... And plus shes making herself look like a fatass when we watch tv, as if she is letting herself go, trying to make herself undesirable. She walks around with no make-up, wears nasty pajamas with a giant coffee stain on it, wears my over-sized shirts with BBQ sauce on it (that she puts there on purpose), and btw, she is a near freak, but lately shes been leaving food wrappings in her car and empty water bottles and shit, which i know isnt her. ... I know what shes trying to do. And i have no idea how to respond to this.. help?

Dear "is she trying to tell me something",

It's all about communication. You have listed quite a few things that clearly are not setting right with you. Before you make the assumption that she just wants to break up with you, talk to her.

You've been together for about a year right? Well here's some news for you; you can be with someone for years upon years but when you actually LIVE with the person, that's when you truly get to know them.

For all you know, this could really be how she is in the home. I'm sure you've had sleep-overs during your year of being together but now you live together, this is now her home where she feels 100% comfortable. Therefore, she's expressing it in what you find to be a grotesque way.

If this is the case, then there needs to be some rules set. R-e-s-p-e-c-t should be the number one rule. It's all fine an dandy for her to lounge around in over-sized clothes, some women enjoy that! It's a huge release from the form-fitting clothes they are use to. BUT the stomping around the home in muddy shoes, and leaving you to do all the house-hold chores is disrespectful and needs to be addressed in a positive manor. I think your system of "taking turns" on the dishes is brilliant and beyond fair!

On the flip-side; if this is indeed a ploy to get you to break up with her, then unfortunately you need to mentally prepare yourself for that. This immature behavior is obviously something your not too keen on so talk to her. Find out what the issue is, maybe it is something you can fix, maybe it isn't but you need to prepare for both scenarios! Have the upper hand.

Here's hoping!

Braylen

Q: What is the perfect place to go on a first date? I would like you opinion to know to ask my crush to go.

Dear "First Date Advice",

Alright! A very good question indeed.
With all the places to go and things to do nowadays it's hard to decided that perfect spot for the famous "first date" but it can be easy depending on the circumstances.

As cliche as it sounds the mall is always a fan favorite. Why? Because it's filled with people (which rules out awkward silences), there is a food court (hello, food!),and the countless stores that are filled with countless things that can bring up countless topics of discussion!

Now if your looking for something a little more one-on-one. I would suggest taking said date on a nice walk at your local park, followed with a dinner maybe?, ENDING with the movies.

Now, 89% of the time people choose the movies for a first date. I say "not such a good idea", why? because first off, your in a dark room where you can't even really see your date! I mean, she didn't wear that shade of lip-gloss or he didn't comb his hair that suave way to be sitting in the dark! Second, it's a movie. . . and your kind of not suppose to talk during. The majority of people including your date would get rather annoyed if you do. SO save the movies for last!

Any who, book stores, ice-cream joints, skating rinks, all of these places are great for a first date as well. Hopefully this helped!

Have fun,

Braylen

Q: How do you tell your best friend that your in love with them? How do you explain your feelings so that your friendship isnt ruined?

Dear "In love with my best friend, HELP PLEASE!",

OKay, this is a toughie! But totally doable. You'd be surprised how many people end up falling in love with their best friend. Before you decide to make your move, be sure that your really in love with him/her and just not in love with the idea.

Once you have that figured out, you have to weigh out your options. Yes, you could freak your friend out if you tell them and it could put an awkward atmosphere around the friendship BUT on the flip-side, you could tell them and the feeling could be mutual.

Either or, it's in my best advice that you ease this all in. I'm not so sure if it's the best thing to throw the "L" word at him/her because that may bring us to that freaked out scenario. Explain it in a more "Hey, I totally like you more than a friend" way. Suggest going out on a date maybe?

I mean, as best friends; you've done just about everything together but maybe this 90th time of going to the movies together could be a little different, ya'know?

Just know this: The truth is going to come out one-way or another so be the one to shine some light on the subject. It's okay to feel nervous, excited, maybe even queazy but just remember that, he/she is your best friend. Think of it as yet another secret you tell one another.

Crossing my fingers,

Braylen

Q: okay, so i've know this girl since middle school and in gr.9 something happened it was a group fight 2 sides againts each other and now where not friends but the girl tht was on here side were r talking but their not talking ... so let me get to the point so im going to to a party and she's invited what do i do i kinda want to talk to her but wat if she rejects me or ignores mee and im kinda sacred of wat my friends will think ??? if i talk to her help

Dear "Frenemies"

I know it's easier said than done but, don't fear rejection. This is your big chance to mend whatever happened in the past. Your being a real man here by stepping up to the plate and approaching her first!

IF you see her at this party, approach her, and if she just shrugs you off and ignores you. Guess what? You tried. At that point you made your move, and if she chooses not to mature up to the situation then that itself should tell you to move on pal.

As for your friends, I know how it goes. Your friends will more than likely give you grief for talking to this girl. So what, they'll forget all about it by the end of the week! My advice to you would be swallow your fear and see what happens. You may be surprised at the outcome. Sometimes it pays to be the bigger person.

Hoping for the best,
Braylen

Q: My boyfriend of about 2 years is moving to alaska for a teaching job (which is realllly far away) he wants me to go with him, but honestly, i am reallly close to my mom and sister (pretty much my only family) and cannot imagine going away and not seeing them for who knows how long. i don't know what to do. i honestly thought he'd be the one i'd be with forever. any advice? I know the story of this isn't complete, but we were together for 2 years so it would be extremely long. i'm just looking for anything that might be helpful in dealing with this

Dear "Boyfriends Moving Far Away",

What a tough scenario you must feel that your in right? I mean, the love of your life is moving far away and you feel that there is no possible way you can leave your family behind!

First things first, you have been with this guy for about 2 years which is great! Him inviting you to come to Alaska is even greater! to me, it shows commitment and that he is very serious about your relationship.

I get leaving your mom and sister, really I do but sometimes in life it's necessary to get out and see other places ESPECIALLY with the man you love. Otherwise your at risk of living with regrets! Your mother and sister obviously are two very special women since your potentially going to end this 2 year chapter with your boyfriend.

My advice; talk with them and get their opinion(s). They care about your happiness, and yes, leaving them to go on this great adventure is jam-packed with different emotions, but it's not like your never going to see them again.

You said it yourself, he is the man who you thought you would be with forever. Don't second guess what you feel. Follow your heart, be smart about it but in the end your mother and sister will always be there for you. Now is a once in a lifetime chance to open this new chapter with your man!

Safe travels,

Braylen

Q: Okay, so my ex dumped me six months ago now, and got back with his ex the day after.
He split up with her two months ago now, and we've just left school.
On the last day, he gave me an apology letter, saying he didn't realise what he had untill it was too late, and that he hopes i'll have a good life, and that he'll never forget me.

But even after everything-i want him back. So what kinda things can i put in a letter, to get him back? Thanks

Dear Want to get back together with a letter,

It is 100% normal for someone to want to get back with their ex, even in spite of what that person has done to you. But you really need to look at the facts here; he got back with his ex the day after he broke it off with you.

Initially that states that this was something planned for God only knows how long before he actually went through with the break up. I understand wanting him back, feeling those old feelings again but you need to ask yourself this, "Don't I deserve better?" in my opinion, of course you do!

Yeah, you could get back with him and things could go back to their normal settings but as a human being, in the back of your mind the fear of him doing this again to you is going to kick in at some point and cause future problems.

When it comes to matters of the heart; you've pretty much already made up your mind of what you want to do, in fact, you've probably already written the letter right?

No one can tell you what to put in this letter because at that point it's lost it's authenticity. They wouldn't be your ideas or feelings. So with that said, write what you truly feel, not what someone else tells you to write NOR what you think your ex would want to hear. Don't be afraid to tell him just how much he hurt you.

Good Luck,

Braylen

bio

Hey there!

Well, as you may have guessed I am an aspiring advice columnist. I honestly care about the problems/questions/ and/or concerns you may have. Although only 22 years old I have been through a lot when it comes to the dating game. So rather you are wondering how to ask him/her out, need to some advice over a bad break up or ANYTHING related to the love/dating/relationship category by all means let me know! Anyone is welcome to send in your requests and I will answer to the best of my ability. And just remember guys, this is my opinion, my advice in the end it is your decision as to you take it or not!