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Hi Everyone!!

My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.

My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".

I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.

I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.

Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.

PHEW!!!

Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.

Brenda


Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 21100

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I really don't know if I did the right thing breaking up with my boyfriend. Every one I talked to has said I've done the right thing. Well anyway, my ex had "friends" who called me names all the time right in front of him and he never did anything about. Another occurance was when one of his friends threw dry glue at right in front of him. Well he just watched it happen. I have no problem with standing up for myself. It's just, well I don't know that's why I'm asking the question. (link)
Hi

I think I know why you asked the question. You want to verify that you did the right thing. YOU DID!!

First off...good for you, for thinking highly enough about yourself to know that you deserve way better than that. It's great that you can stick up for yourself (that definitely comes in handy at times), but you should not have to stick up for yourself infront of your boyfriends friends.

The fact that he did not defend you is ridiculous. In my opinion he doesn't really care about your well-being. The dry glue incident could very well be assault. Kick him to the curb girlfriend...and keep him there.

You sound like a very intelligent, nice person who will find someone who will not only stick up for you , but protect you at all costs. Take care.

Brenda


my ex bf knows i still like him so he trys to run my life like he tells me wat i can do and when i can do it he yells at me when i flirt with another guy he tells me who i can hang out with and i dont know what to do and ive talked to him and when i get mad cuz he flirts with this girl named jerry he tells me it aint my business so i was just wondering wat would u do if this happened to you? (link)
Hi

Knowing what I know now, and having had lots of life experience...I would run, and run fast.

I've been through the controlling boyfriend who was abusive. It won't get any better. He loves the fact that he can control everything you do.

Let me ask you this..."did you ever see yourself living this way?" Or do you see yourself living in a relationship where your opinion matters, and your point of view is listnened to?

No one except your parents (if you're a minor) can tell you what you can and can't do. The fact that he is flirting with another girl tells me (and hopefully you) that he is not focused on you, and you deserve better than that.

Move on and find someone who is worthy of your friendship and possibly your love. Take care.

Brenda


ok so i REALLY love my boyfriend..but lately since i told him that his best friend rapped me..he started getting...controlling and like now whenever i say somthing hell scream and say BITCH SHUT UP...then hell say "oh im sorry baby" and everything is fine but he hit me a couple of times..i told my best friend and she told me to break up with him..but i LOVEE him! and..if i i do decide to break up with him..im scared hell like..kill me or somthingg!

plz help me.i dont know where else im going to get help!

~lila (link)
Hi Lila

My first question to you is "how can you love someone whom you fear might kill you?"

You have to know that you deserve better than that. I'm telling you, you do.

I too, went through rape and an abusive boyfriend like you. I can tell you with 100% certainty that when someone loves you they would NEVER hit you or hurt you. It doens't matter how many times they say they're sorry, and how many times he begs for your forgivness, he WILL hit you again.

You've been through enough with the rape (I hope you're getting counselling for this), you don't need to go through anymore abuse.

Get out of it while you can...I'm serious. Remember you count, you matter, and you deserve someone who will truly love you and never hurt you intentionally. Take care.

Brenda


Is it just a myth that you can masturbate too much?
If it isn't, what are the consequences of it?
How much is too much?

I'd appreciate real medical answers instead of just guesses or rumors, but I'll take anything. If it makes a difference, the question is for someone m/21. Websites would be great. Thanks. (link)
Hi

There is nothing wrong with masturbation...in fact, it has many benefits. It can help you achieve better, longer lasting orgasms when having sex with a partner. It can help you find out what you really like and how you like it.

I think that as long as masturbating isn't interfering in your life ei: doing that instead of going to work, or out with friends etc. then do it, and enjoy it!!

Brenda


so this guy has been OBSESSED with me like you have no idea! (sometimes its a little freaky even...) and when i'm not with him and i'm like talking to him on the phone or something i like him, but when i'm actually with him i can't even describe how i feel! i don't even like touching or going near him! I mean, he is ugly but i don't think that's why. I hooked up with him and he likes me LOVES me actually but i REALLY don't want to have anything to do with him! WHAT DO I DO?! PS, i can't tell him that i don't like him. and also i'm bff with all his bffs so i can't be mean either otherwise everyone will get mad at me....! but hes DISGUSTING! i really really really really really reaylly reaylly really really don't like him!!!!!!! (link)
Hi

First and foremost you have to stop leading him on and making him think that you like him as more than a friend.

I understand and commend you for not wanting to hurt his feelings by telling him how you really feel, but you're only going to hurt him more and possibly yourself if you keep this going. It sounds like his "attraction" to you could start to be a major problem. You need to nip this in the bud asap.

Good luck.

Brenda


okay soo spring picture day is wednesday and i reallly need to wax my eyebrows cause i havent gotten them done in like, months because the last few times i've broken out pretty bad. but i think its deff from this one salon because when i went in NY and it was fine. it's prob the products they use. anyway, i said to my mom i needed to get them done so they didnt look wiked bad for pics, but shes like noo you'll break out again. i asked to go to another salon or somethin but shes like well where are you gonna go. i dont even think she'll let me go shes like they look fine (which they deff dont) so i guess ill have to go to the salon i usually go to. anyway, i was wondering if clearasil ultra works fast and good. i asked if i could get that too because ive been using her retin a micro and its not working at all. shes like no use the retin a micro im sure it works better than that anyway. i told her its not working shes like your not using it enough. uhhmm yeah i deff am. every night. shes soo annoying.
anyways. yeah lol
xo* (link)
Hi there

Wax is a chemical and can burn and/or tear your skin. I own my own body sugaring business, which is similar to waxing, only body sugar is used instead.

Body sugar is 100% natural, and will never tear or burn your skin. I recommend finding a body sugaring salon and trying that out. Once you try body sugaring you will NEVER go back to waxing. Good luck.

Brenda


can anybody please give me excellent advice/tips on how i can quit smoking for once and for all. No patches or nic gum. I've smoked for 5 yrs out of sheer stupidity. I am tire of it. Please help. I rate you 5s (link)
Hi

First you have to REALLY want to quit, without a true desire to end this habit it won't work. If you are sure this is something you want to do, then good for you.

I smoked for several years before I got pregnant with my daughter. I chose hypnosis as my solution and it worked like a charm. Not a Romaine type hypnosis where there are hundreds of people in the audience. I had a one on one session, and I walked out of there with absolutley no desire to ever smoke again. It really did work for me.

Give it a try..what do you have to lose? Good luck!!

Brenda


what time do clubs open? like the drinking and dancing type.. and how can i get guys to notice me there, without appearing to be slutty? (link)
Hi

Clubs in my area are open all afternoon and evening. Usually closing around 2am.

It's totally normal to want to be noticed by the opposite sex (or same sex depending on your preference).

Because I'm older and have been through the club scene for years, I've come to a few conclusions. #1 - clubs are a meat market...people checking each other out, and coming to conclusions about their person. #2 - guys that are looking for a one night stand generally aren't too picky about what you look like (within reason of course). Now I'm hoping that you are not just looking for a one night stand so this is where my advice comes in.

Anyone who is looking for a sincere relationship likely won't find it at a club/bar.

You can look totally sexy and hot without looking like a slut. Trust me, you can look amazing in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt versus slutty in an outfit that barely covers. If you dress cleverly you can leave ALOT up to the imagination...you can be more mysterious, and seductive. Just remember to stay true to who you are and don't pretend to be someone you're not.

Brenda


I hate the way my body looks and I have for-pretty-much-ever. I've tried so many diets, and working out, but nothing has ever worked. the thing is, I'm really not fat. I'm just chubby. I'm 5'3 and weigh 140.

I've had an eating disorder before, and it wasn't really that bad. I was anorexic when I was younger, I finally got over it, and now I'm buimic. Now just trying to eat makes me throw up.

How bad is bulimia? And how do I get over it?

Love,

Arlo (link)
Hi Arlo

Before I start I will say that I have not been anorexic or bulimic, but I do know what you are going through. At one point in my life I weighed close to 400 pounds and life as I knew it was over.

It is pretty much impossible to live life at that size. I did have a binge eating disorder, which continued in a vicious circle until I got help.

I've had gastric bypass surgery and lost over 200 pounds. I will always have "issues" with food, and for the rest of my life I will struggle with my weight.

You probably are already aware that eating disorders can drastically affect your health, and can be fatal. Eating disorders are also a sign of emotional difficulties. It's not all about food...or the lack of...it's about control and body image. It's tough when we let food control our lives, but it can get better.

There are alot of counsellors out there that specifically deal with eating disorders. I think you need to seek help before your bulimia destroys your life.

Can you talk to your parent's? A best friend? A teacher? Please know you can always talk to me. Take care...and remember...only you can dictate what happens in your life...you are important, and deserve to be healthy.

Brenda


Can anyone on here tell me they know the feeling of absolute despair? That's what I've been going through for the past several months. The past week has been really bad. I haven't been able to think, to focus, to sleep, even to talk is hard because I can't seem to put words behind it. Even my schoolwork is suffering. In my English class for an in-class essay, I couldn't write it. I just couldn't get past the prompt "Choose a novel or play in which a character experiences a point of no return in his life, where his life will never be the same again, and explain its impact on the character." I just couldn't write about that because it so closely paralelled what I'm going through right now.
Please don't think I'm just some 13 year old girl who needs to rebell. I'm 17 and I'm graduating at the end of this year, and everything in my life has been coming to a head. My schoolwork is suffering because I can't seem to find the passion that I used to have for seeking out knowledge, my home life is hell because my mom is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, and she's trying to block my entrance into college in the fall. I just feel like everything's falling apart and I can't get through this time.
I feel an intense desire to just quit life, to seek out the absolution of death, just to escape the hell I'm living right now. But I'm too afraid to do it. I can't just draw a razor across my wrist. I've already talked to people about this, my high school principal, the director of social services, and a really big source of support has been my boyfriend. But I can't do this anymore, I can't drag anyone else into it, I can't talk one more time and force myself to think about my pitiful excuse for a life and how badly I've screwed things up.
If you've stuck with my ramblings this far thank you. I would really, really appreciate any advice.
Thank you. (link)
Hi there,

I think I actually felt your pain when I read your question. Please, please, please, get help. You have the classic signs of depression (I know, because I have been diagnosed with clinical depression).

I have been on medication for years now, and it DOES help. Counselling wouldn't hurt either. People tend to be ashamed about mental issues that they are having. This really is too bad, because mental health is just as important as physical health...if not more.

Good for you for talking to people about it. It sounds like your mother is not someone whom you should talk to about this. If she's abusive then she doesn't have your best interests at heart. The best thing you could probably do is go away to college or university somewhere else, to get away from your abusive situation.

You are an intelligent person, who can beat this...you can come out on top. Let me know if there's anything else I can help with. Take care, and remember...YOU are important, YOU have the right to be healthy, YOU have the right to live life to the fullest.

Brenda


okay well this is the deal.
im ready to have sex i know i am. im with a boy right now and we've decided that were going to do it. im just really nervous cuz im not on birth control and im scared something is like going to happen to the condom, like rip. i told him that i was nervous and asked him that whenever he felt like he was going to bust he would take it out and then put it back it when he stopped ..
is that a god idea and if your not on birth control and you use a condom is it most likely you can get pregnant or is like 1 in every 500 people?

please comment back asap !! thank you !!
(link)
Hi

I got pregnant with my daughter when I thought I would be "safe". The guy I was with said the condom broke, and he "pulled out" before he came. I still got pregnant.

Be careful, and know that the only way to not get pregnant is not to have sex. If you do, then you have to take precautions. Have you considered going on the pill? If you were on the pill and using a condem then you could feel pretty assured that you would be safe. The chances of getting pregnant when unprotected are high,....it only takes one time.

And most important...make sure you're ready for the step you are about to take. Take care.

Brenda


I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for; what kind of advice I need. I don't even know if I need advice.

I'm 13/f, btw.

Last year (2005), during the summer, I met with a guy I knew over the internet. He'd told me that he was 14, and lived about 30 miles from my house. I met up with him, and well, it turned out he wasn't exactly what I expected. Things happened, that, well, weren't exactly supposed to happen. I personally just don't like the term "rape" but sure, lets use it. Since, no matter how much I hate the word, it's what happened.

I've done a pretty good job at hiding it from everyone. Luckily, I have heavy periods, and so I was on the pill at the time to make my bleeding lighter, so I didn't get pregnant. I was 12 at the time. Should I be hiding it from everyone? I've told three people so far. One of them, it was on accident, but she ignored it as if I had never said it. I've also told a good guy friend of mine, let's call him Anthony, but I don't think I can really trust him with the information. And I've also told my boyfriend, let's call him Andrew. He thinks I should tell someone, the poliece, or something. But I refuse to. It's just a weird feeling. I don't really want people to know, I don't really want people to do anything about it. But I don't know, should I tell more people? Like my mom, or the poliece? The guy, well, he told me that if I ever told anyone about it he'd track me down and kill me. And I know some people would think it stupid to listen to a threat like that, but I don't know. I really just don't know what to do. It's like it keeps coming back to haunt me. I was doing a good job at ignoring it, forgeting about it, but lately, it just hasnt been working.

Sorry it's so long. (link)
Hi sweetie

My heart went out to you when I read your "question".

If you read my bio then you will see that I too have been through what you have. It's a horrible thing to have to deal with at any age, but at 13 it's even worse.

When I was raped I went through the same thought process as you. Should I tell my parents...the police...what the heck should I do? I kept quiet for quite a while, because like you I was told by my offender that he would track me down and kill me or my family. Naturally this scares the heck out of you...but think this way. What is he gonna say..."go ahead and tell people" I don't think so...he knows what he did was a violent crime, and he doesn't want to get caught. I told my mom, and she got me into counselling, which did help. I never did go to the police, and at this point in my life I wonder if he's raped other women or girls.

I think the worst thing you can do is to keep it all inside. You need to talk to someone...even if that someone is me. Seriously think about telling your mother, and getting some counselling. Trust me...I'm 34 now and I still have trouble dealing with it. It does get better...stay strong, and know that I'm here for you!! Take care.

Brenda


ok so im going to be 18 in about 9 weeks time and im thinking all my friends well apart from a few have all had sex even ones who are younger than me am i getting to old and whats the right age to have sex?? I would have had sex but my bf says he loves me but i do not trust him its like when we are away from each other he never contacts me or cares about me my question is shall i wait until the right one comes along to lose my virginity? thank you in advance.x (link)
Hi there,

Losing your virginity is something that you will never forget. It's a major milestone in a person's life, young or old.

When I read your question, I realized that you have pretty much answered it yourself. Your bf says he loves you, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that when you love someone, you make a point of talking to them as much as possible, you miss them like crazy, and you NEVER doubt if they care about you.

You're a smart girl and you know that you need to wait till the right person comes along. Sex is a very special, intimate thing, and you don't want to have it just for the sake of having it.

As far as all your friends go....just because they've made that step, doesn't mean your time is running out. You're young, intelligent, and you have plenty of time to make that step. Good luck to you and whatever you choose to do.

Just remember...think of yourself first, and don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he doesn't understand, then he's not the one for you.

Take care.

Brenda




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