Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 21111
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i hate my self because i have hairy arms.. i never wear t-shirts even if it is 90degrees because i just hate it.. i hate my body .. what do i do ???????? (link)
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Hi
PLEASE DON'T SHAVE YOUR ARMS!!!!!! I promise you, you will regret it.
I own my own body sugaring business. It's like waxing only better for your skin. I have several clients who get their arms sugared and it's wonderful for them.
I also have clients who have previously shaved, and now their arms are considerably worse. It's hard to believe, but if you start shaving your arms you will hate them even more than you do now.
If accepting your arms for what they are isn't possible right now, then I suggest finding a reputable salon that can help you. Don't do it yourself, and most of all.....PUT THE RAZOR AWAY!!
Good luck,
Brenda
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I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been getting really nervous when certain people talk to me. When this happens, I start shaking and come very close to crying. A few nights ago I started laughing, crying, and screaming at the same time. I have an idea of why, but I can't seem to pinpoint an exact, rock-solid reason. Also, I sometimes find objects in my hands that I don't remember picking up or even seeing. I've been told by cloes friends of conversations that I can't remember happening, and e-mails I don't remember sending. Does anybody know what could be wrong? (link)
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Hi
I'm not going to pretend to be a doctor and diagnose you, but I have done a lot of research on disociation.....which can be in the form of MPD.
Google it on the web, and see if anything rings true...sounds to me like you may have some form of it, but the only person that can tell you for sure is a psychiatrist. Please see one. They can help you alot...even if it turns out you don't have a disorder...then at least you would know.
Good luck and take care.
Brenda
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Okay, so I'm 18/f and I've never been technically diagnosed with depression, but lately I've lost the will to do like, anything. I had plans with my friends last night and didn't want to go - I went anyway and it was kinda fun, but I still didn't want to be there, and found myself drifting off into my own little world a lot.
The thing is, nothing in my life is really THAT bad right now. I have a few stresses going on, including financial and the all-too-popular body image thing, but still...
I hate feeling this way, especially when people around me have it so much worse. I don't feel that it's right, and I don't like it.
How do you get rid of this feeling?
I used to be able to control my emotions to the point that I just kinda mentally pushed a button and the bad feelings disappeared. I can't do it anymore, though.
I've tried freewriting (which I do a lot and have suddenly lost the want to do), I've tried going out with friends. Nothing seems to help, and I can't afford to feel this way. I work as a waitress and need to be friendly and caring in order to get good tips, and I don't want to smile at all right now.
So yeah...how do you shake this?
Pay attention to your spelling and grammar, please. I'll rate you down if it's wrong. (link)
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Hi
I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in the eight grade....I'm now 34.
Throughout the years, I have tried to cope on my own with my feelings of despair and isolation. Through trial and error, I have come to realize that I can't do it without the aid of medication.
You mentioned that you have not been diagnosed by an MD, but I'm thinking it's time you did. Mental health is just as important as physical health (if not more). Make the appointment, take care of yourself, and it will get better.
You may be able to handle it without medication, but you may not. Depression is a chemical imbalance, and most times the "disorder" needs the aid of anti-depressants.
All the other advice you have received has been very valuable. It is important to talk to others, to get your feelings out in the open, but that may not be enough.
Good luck, take care.
Brenda
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It seems as if all my kids have their problems anymore. It's hard as a Mother to hold things together sometimes.
I am not quite sure how to deal with my Son's gf who has bipolar disorder. (they are 21 & 22) It's like walking on egg shells when I am around her. I do like her, it's not that, but she can be so mean sometimes. Her angry comments are hurtful, to our entire family, including my son. They really don't get along that well, but there is nothing I can do about it, I know that. He has to deal with staying or leaving because he owns that situation, not me. However in order to maintain a relationship with my son, I feel like I have to accept her. However, because of her treating myself and my other children badly. I am really confused. She is not on medication because she can't afford it and her own Mother kicked her out. We are really all she has right now.
Any suggestions? (link)
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Hi
You've received some great advice so far, but I want to add something.
You mentioned that you walk on egg shells around her, likely because you don't want to set her off. You don't need to do that. Just because someone has a mental disorder, it doesn't give them the right to treat people badly. I mean, her own mother kicked her out...that's gotta tell you something.
You sound like a very caring mother, and you need to put your family before your son's girlfriend. There's gotta be someway for her to get medication, but even with meds, her behaviour could still be offensive.
Make it known that although you do empathize with her situation, you will not tolerate bad/offensive behaviour from her.
Good luck, and just remember...it's not your responsibility to take care of her...she is an adult....and she's not your child.
Brenda
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I'm going to see an adolescent psychiatrist for the first time in about a week and I was wondering what I should expect. I'm going for depression and self-injury, if that makes a difference. I just wondering what I cn epect when I go there. Thanks so much. I'll rate high.
(link)
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Hi
You can expect to meet someone who is completely non-judgemental. Psychiatrists are there to help. He or she will talk to you about your problems, and then together you will work towards recovery.
Everything you tell him or her will be confidential, so don't be scared to open up and say what's on your mind. That's why you're there.
Good luck, and good for you for going to get help!!
Brenda
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My friend of 30 years asked me to help with a situation that involved her 22 year old daughter. The girl (Brandy) left her "good" boyfriend, quit her high salary job, gave up her apartment to travel around the country camping, hiking and living off the land, with a 25 year old guy she met 6 months ago. Brandy recently died her hair purple, and got several facial peircings. She told her mom about a couple of injuries where the mechanism didn't make sense, and we all--Brandy's parents-sibling and I got a bad feeling from the new boyfriend.
Without Brandy's permission we came up with the idea of doing a background check on the bf, and it came back really bad! Several assaults..domestic and otherwise, one which included prison time because it was assault with a deadly weapon. Broken restraining orders, harrassment, interuption of a 911 call, theft, DUI, no license, no insurance etc. Now mind you the young man has no money and they are traveling with her money. So our gut instinct was right..or even more right than we imagined.
We confronted Brandy with the info, that she apparently didn't know. We talked to her about domestic abuse. Tried to convince her not to go and she rebelled. She says it was crossing the line and his background was none of our business.(or her's either for that matter)
Now she says it is all her Mother's fault, because she can't love this man the way she should, but she still left with him. Did I mention my friend found bottles of drugs prescribed to others and pot in his backpack?
No one could stop her from leaving with him, but she did promise to call every day. So now that she is angry, we still want her to keep in touch and have a safety net in friends and family, but how?
The ideal situation would be that she just come home and start over! (link)
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Hi
That's a rough situation!!
This same thing happened with my family regarding me. When I was 18, I met a guy who was travelling through my city. I knew him for two weeks and decided to move half way across the country with him. I packed my life into ONE bag, and away I went.
My family and friends were stunned!! None of them could believe that I was doing this. They all disliked Rick, and felt something wasn't quite right with him. Boy were they right!!!
As soon as we arrived in HIS city, his true colors began to show. He was an alcoholic, and very abusive...physically, mentally, and sexually.
My family tried so hard to convince me to come home, but I was "in love" with him (stupid, young, and inexperienced love).
Over the next year, I began to realize what I had gotten myself into, and was desperate to leave. Because my family had always been so supportive of me, I was able to call them and ask for help. They got me home.
So, with all that being said, there are a limited number of things your friend can do. #1 - always be there for her when she phones to talk about problems, good times, whatever. There ALWAYS has to be open communication. #2 - try not to constantly bash him when talking to her. That will only make her want to stick up for him. #3 - pray to God that nothing tragic will happen to her before she realizes what kind of person he is.
She will realize it...hopefully sooner rather than later. She needs to come to the conclusion all on her own, so when she says good-bye to him, it will be her decision, and she will want to stay far, far away from him forever.
Good luck, and your friend is lucky to have you to confide in.
Brenda
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what are some outlets of depression? (link)
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Hi
I have to disagree with betterthanyou. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Most times this does require medication to regulate these imbalances.
I have been clinically depressed since the eighth grade. I'm 34 now. I have tried both being on and off meds, and they are defintely a neccessity in my life, and many others.
Now, I will agree that you also have to try your best to get out of the blue phaze by getting out and doing stuff and trying to live your life, but don't be ashamed if you need the aid of medication.
I think you should talk to your parent's and get them to take you to the doctor, where you can be assessed, diagnosed, and put on the best course of action...whatever that may be.
Good luck,
Brenda
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15/female
A couple months ago my doctor diagnosed me with depression and I started to see a councelor. I quit going after a couple times because she made me feel worse and I had a breakdown 2 times in one week because of her. I was fine for awhile, but now I'm feeling horrible again. I don't know why I'm feeling depressed and everynight I want to kill myself.
I can't take anti-depressants because they'll react with my medicine that I'm taking right now. Anyone know of ideas to get my mind out of this fix that it gets into? (link)
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Hi
Clinical depression is a life-long battle. It's not something that just goes away (life would be so much easier if it did!)
I've been fighting depression since the 8th grade..I am now 34 years old.
It's hard to find a counsellor that you feel comfortable with. Sometimes you literally have to "shop around" until you find someone that you click with. I've been through so many, I can't even count.
Counselling can be a difficult journey, due to all the emotional feelings that are within you. It hurts to get it all out, but it is very important to do so, in order to start healing, and deal with your depression.
About the meds...depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. This chemical imbalance needs the aid of medication. Is there any way that your doctor could switch your current meds so that they wouldn't react with anti-deppresants? I think you need to look into that.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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My problem is not depression. I have never been diagnosed with anything, and there is nothing "the matter" with me. My only problem is that I feel unhappy for 90% of my waking life. I am nearly 23 and I often feel ugly and unattractive, despite what boyfriends have said to the contrary. I feel that I will never have a decent partner, a loving man who i will be able to have children with. So far, all the men I have dated have just been out for what they can get. It is a side issue, but I wonder whether there are any MEN who get angry at the way a lot of men treat women. There must be some out there, I'm not saying all you guys are a**holes.
But I digress......
Basically, I just wonder if any of you out there have gone through or are going through the same thing. Share your thoughts. Thank you. (link)
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Hi
I have totally been where you are, and it's not fun!!
You say you're not depressed, but if you are unhappy 90% of the time, then what would you call it?
I hope I don't sound insenstive when I say this, because I don't mean to. I say this because this was me a few years back.
If you don't love yourself, then how do you expect anyone else to love you? If you let guys use you for whatever it is that they want, then they will continue to do so.
You need to start respecting yourself. Take a self-confidence course, see a therapist, anything that will give you a better outlook on life.
I know what it's like to hate the way you look. I was so down about myself at one point that I wouldn't leave my house...please don't get to that point.
It's ok to admit you need help...mental health is just as important as physical health, if not more.
Confidence is such a HUGE boost to ones character. People will see this within you, and you will instantly become more attractive.
As for finding a decent guy...that's up to you. Set your standards higher, and love yourself enough to want someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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im 18 yrs old.male.iam very shot tempered and get infuriated very easily.i very easily get frustrated and irritated which sometimes leads to bad consequences.this has a major effect on my social life.please help (link)
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Hi
Maybe you should try taking an anger management course. From what I understand, they help you deal with your emotions when things get you angry, frustrated, or irritated.
I think you need to deal with this soon, or it could lead to more than just social life problems. Not only is it hard on other people, it's extremely hard on you to feel like that all the time.
When you feel yourself boiling over, take a few deep breaths and count to ten before you act...it's amazing how much that can stop a anger attack!!
Good luck.
Brenda
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I'm seeing a counselor on Friday. I'm not used to being open with other people, or strangers. What should I do to make it easier for me to talk about what is on my mind and my feelings. I don't want it to be a waste of time because I have half an hour. Thanks in advance. (link)
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Hi
A good counsellor will make you feel comfortable. Sometimes you have to "shop around" for a therapist that you click with. Once you do, you will have no problem sharing your problems.
Remember that therapists do not judge. They are there to help you. You may think that what you have to tell is horrible, or stupid, or silly, but I'm telling you they are not...and you can bet that the therapist has heard much worse.
Just try to relax, and think of your counsellor as a confidante. Good luck.
Brenda
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ok im 14/fl
im suffering from depression and i dont know how to tell my mom with out her taking it like im making this up...ive taken many test's online dealing with depression and they have all said that i need help...my grandmother is a doctor and she knows i need the help... (link)
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Hi
You can't let how your mother may react stop you from getting the help that you need. It sounds like you have an ali with your grandma. Have a talk with your grandma, and then the both of you could approach your mother.
You are also old enough to go to the doctor alone and ask for help. It would be nice if you had your mothers support. Maybe she just doesn't understand depression, and needs to research it a bit to understand what you're going through.
First and foremost though, you need to think about yourself and get help.
Good for you for realizing that you can't do it alone. Good luck. Take care.
Brenda
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Lately I've realized that I haven't been eating as much. I'll be hungry but I just won't eat, maily because I don't want to eat. I am a very self-conscious person and I will willingly admit it. I know being anorexic is bad but sometimes I just can't help not eating. Sometimes after I eat, it doesn't matter how much it was, I fell really bad about it and regret eating. So do you think that I'm anorexic? (link)
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Hi
Sounds like you are borderline anorexic. This is such a nasty disease for both your body and your mind!
Your body needs nutrition to stay healthy, or will eventually shut down....and can lead to death!! Starving your body will totally backfire in the weight loss game. You will end up gaining more, than if you eat sensibly, and get the right amount of exercise.
Trust me...I tried starving myself once and gained over 30 pounds. It's not worth it. Take care of yourself. You will have your body for the rest of your life, and if you don't respect it then life could be over far before your time.
Good luck....if you feel you can't do this on your own, then get help!! There are lots of councellors out there who specialize in eating disorders.
Eating disorders are as much a mental thing, as a physical thing if not more...it's about control. Take care.
Brenda
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So for the past 3 weeks my life has been very stressful. My dad was sick and was in the hospital for 10 days. I might fail one of my classes for the year. My boyfriend and I of 15 months are fighting and I don't know what we are anymore. My friend called me a slut today and asked my other friend to uninvite me to a party tomarrow night. Which she did to "keep the tension away from the party" Its werid I'll be happy and confident one minute then the next I'll be crying my eyes out. i don't know what's wrong and its stressing me out because I don;t when I'll gret into one of my extremely sad moods. Do you know what is causing this and any ways I could help to get this is stop any help is very welcomed (link)
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Hi
Mood swings are completely normal....let's face it we all have days when we don't want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, or do anything. It's actually good to have those days...kinda to recharge.
However, if these days start to out number the good days then you may have a problem.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in the eight grade. I'm 34 now, and I am still on medication that makes the bad days seem a a lot less harsh so you can totally move on.
I remember being in high school, and having problems like this. Teenagers can be very cruel, and you have to try and keep your head held high.
Try and minimize your stress by talking your issues out with your boyfriend (find out what you are fighting about.) Talk to your name calling friend and find out what the heck is up with that!!
Just remember, sad days are normal, continual bad days are not. Get help when/if you need it. Hang in there. Take care.
Brenda
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Is it normal to feel like cutting, or drinking or using self-destructive behavior after a break-up? I can't get over someone I've been with for over two years and he broke it off. I feel like hurting myself, is there something wrong?
(link)
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Hi
After a bad breakup it is completely normal to feel a bit blue/depressed. It's normal to cry, it's normal to feel hurt, it's normal to be angry.
It is NOT normal to become self-destructive. Cutting yourself, or hurting yourself in ANY way is a crystal clear sign that you are not coping well and need help. You need someone to talk to...to cry to, to spill out all your feelings. This could be a friend, a parent, an older sibling, or it could be a therapist.
Alot of times the therapist/councellor is the one to go to because they can help you from an outside standpoint. They don't know you, they don't know your ex-boyfriend. They can give you an un-biased opinion, and truly help you through this.
I know when you lose someone that you loved dearly it is very hard to move on. They were such an important part of your life for a long period of time and then to all of a sudden have to continue on without them is rough.
You will get through it, you will move on, you will find someone else. Please get help before you hurt yourself any further. Take care.
Brenda
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I hate the way my body looks and I have for-pretty-much-ever. I've tried so many diets, and working out, but nothing has ever worked. the thing is, I'm really not fat. I'm just chubby. I'm 5'3 and weigh 140.
I've had an eating disorder before, and it wasn't really that bad. I was anorexic when I was younger, I finally got over it, and now I'm buimic. Now just trying to eat makes me throw up.
How bad is bulimia? And how do I get over it?
Love,
Arlo (link)
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Hi Arlo
Before I start I will say that I have not been anorexic or bulimic, but I do know what you are going through. At one point in my life I weighed close to 400 pounds and life as I knew it was over.
It is pretty much impossible to live life at that size. I did have a binge eating disorder, which continued in a vicious circle until I got help.
I've had gastric bypass surgery and lost over 200 pounds. I will always have "issues" with food, and for the rest of my life I will struggle with my weight.
You probably are already aware that eating disorders can drastically affect your health, and can be fatal. Eating disorders are also a sign of emotional difficulties. It's not all about food...or the lack of...it's about control and body image. It's tough when we let food control our lives, but it can get better.
There are alot of counsellors out there that specifically deal with eating disorders. I think you need to seek help before your bulimia destroys your life.
Can you talk to your parent's? A best friend? A teacher? Please know you can always talk to me. Take care...and remember...only you can dictate what happens in your life...you are important, and deserve to be healthy.
Brenda
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Can anyone on here tell me they know the feeling of absolute despair? That's what I've been going through for the past several months. The past week has been really bad. I haven't been able to think, to focus, to sleep, even to talk is hard because I can't seem to put words behind it. Even my schoolwork is suffering. In my English class for an in-class essay, I couldn't write it. I just couldn't get past the prompt "Choose a novel or play in which a character experiences a point of no return in his life, where his life will never be the same again, and explain its impact on the character." I just couldn't write about that because it so closely paralelled what I'm going through right now.
Please don't think I'm just some 13 year old girl who needs to rebell. I'm 17 and I'm graduating at the end of this year, and everything in my life has been coming to a head. My schoolwork is suffering because I can't seem to find the passion that I used to have for seeking out knowledge, my home life is hell because my mom is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, and she's trying to block my entrance into college in the fall. I just feel like everything's falling apart and I can't get through this time.
I feel an intense desire to just quit life, to seek out the absolution of death, just to escape the hell I'm living right now. But I'm too afraid to do it. I can't just draw a razor across my wrist. I've already talked to people about this, my high school principal, the director of social services, and a really big source of support has been my boyfriend. But I can't do this anymore, I can't drag anyone else into it, I can't talk one more time and force myself to think about my pitiful excuse for a life and how badly I've screwed things up.
If you've stuck with my ramblings this far thank you. I would really, really appreciate any advice.
Thank you. (link)
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Hi there,
I think I actually felt your pain when I read your question. Please, please, please, get help. You have the classic signs of depression (I know, because I have been diagnosed with clinical depression).
I have been on medication for years now, and it DOES help. Counselling wouldn't hurt either. People tend to be ashamed about mental issues that they are having. This really is too bad, because mental health is just as important as physical health...if not more.
Good for you for talking to people about it. It sounds like your mother is not someone whom you should talk to about this. If she's abusive then she doesn't have your best interests at heart. The best thing you could probably do is go away to college or university somewhere else, to get away from your abusive situation.
You are an intelligent person, who can beat this...you can come out on top. Let me know if there's anything else I can help with. Take care, and remember...YOU are important, YOU have the right to be healthy, YOU have the right to live life to the fullest.
Brenda
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