askhoji
advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: i dont feel appericated in my relationship....
Are you doing things that are worth appreciating?
Does he buy her flowers? SWEET.
Does he flush the toilet after use? EXPECTED.

Are you doing too much/little?
Does he buy her flowers?
Nope? SIGH.
Occationally? SWEET.
Twice every day? TOO MUCH.

Do you and your partner share the same value system?
Does she actually like flowers or would the toilet flush actually have made her swoon?

Good Luck!
Hoji

Q: How do I get over being dumped without even an explanation or a phone call?
First off, your question kinda gets you half way there.
Your now ex is a a-hole. Very much worth getting over.
There are alot off better quality people out there worth looking for.

The second part is to be proactive, like the other answers suggest.

My best!

Q: How can I turn on this guy and make him want to have sex but just tease him because I dont want to go all the way yet?
This sounds like a question a female friend of mine would have asked... and we are neither friends or on speaking terms anymore.

If you like him but don't feel like you are ready to go for the home run yet, fine don't, but don't lead him to where you are not ready to go.

Maybe it's just your phrasing, but the way you posed the question makes it seem like you don't really like him and would just like to exploit him using your sexuality, in essance a bully...

"live by the sword, die by the sword."

G'Luck!

Q: I've been daring my boyfriend for almost 9 months. He's madly inlove with me and a few months ago pressured me into saying "I love you too". We say it daily but I know I don't mean it. The thing is I'm in high school and I feel like I shouldn't be tied down to one person. I just know we aren't right for each other but I DO like him. I Know he'll never break up with me. Atlases not any time soon. Our families are different, he is rude to me severly sometimes, he has no desire for planning for his future, nothing about us is the same. What do I say that sounds not so much like an excuse?
Tell him preciselly what you said in your post.

Don't tell him extra crap like "You'll meet somebody great" or and of that crap PLEASE. If you do, listen very carefully... you might just hear me puke, all the way from Africa xD

If you really DO like him and have any sort of respect for him, tell him in person. If you don't, send him a e-mail or sms.

It's hard I know, best of luck.

Q: I am a 15 year old girl.
I have bright colored red hair and blue eyes and i just was curious to know how most men feel about redheads. Just because sometimes i get insecure about how i look, which i guess happens to most women even if their good at hiding it. I am 5'8", i weigh 112 lbs last time i checked, but its not like im so skinny i look sick. I think i have a nice body and pretty face, but im just not sure how guys feel about my hair. Ive gotten insults and compliments, but the compliments are most of the time from people much older than me. Sooo i was just curious, please give your opinion on red hair and blue eyes on a girl. :)
I love red heads as long as they keep their hair clean.
But then again, I'm a ginger myself...

Generally, men dont mind what colour hair you have.

When people tease me about it, I just see it as them trying to playfully reach out to me...

At 15 you get teased, and at 25 you won't be able to keep men away!

Good Luck AND msg me in 3 years!

Q: I m from india .I like a boy since two year's but i just don't know how to tell him .what should i do?
I'll take it from the top as I don't get the whole situation...

Unless you are looking for a one night stand I suppose you could get a conversation started, find out more about him, objectivly listen.

Build on things you both like... don't be manipulative and "like" everything about him, it comes across as needy... nobody likes needy in the beginning. So he likes frogs and you like frogs too, maybe make a meeting to go to a pond and watch frogs together... you know. Build a connection. Do differant things together.

I personally believe that talking about liking somebody to them early on jinx the whole thing... i could be wrong there. So, if by then he has not made a move, you will have to... yeah to the female libiration! It's a leap, I know... but no bigger one than men have made for ages (ooh and have I hit hard walls in my time, it makes us stronger).

Easiest way I know is:
Take this slow, start being touchy with him... start small... like only touch his arm for a second during conversation (once every 10/15 minutes). As time progress, insist he walks arm in arm, hold hands, you can maybe spank him when he is bad, hug him when he makes you laugh. As more time passes sit closer next to him and so both be comfortable. Then one day when you are sitting close and speaking, turn and kiss him gently. You'll have to adjust this step by step progression to your own customs, values and comfort.

IMPORTANT: You have to start doing this as soon as posible and calmly progress as you get to know each other better, till later on when the moment is right.

If he gets tense or weirded out at some point, don't worry, continue what you did before that point and at a later stage try progres again.

He should get the idea before you try to kiss him and either kiss you first or tell you that he is not interested, if not... just keep progressing.

Best of luck to you!

Q: I like this boy at my school and we hang out every weekend pretty much and he always flirts with me constantly. I finally got around to telling him that I like him but he said that he just doesn't want a relationship right now. His actions are speaking much louder than those words though. I'm pretty sure that he likes me and I feel like we connect! How can I get him to ask me out already?! By the way I'm 14 going on 15 and a girl:)
Hope for the best, plan for the worst...

You don't get him to ask you out unless you flash your boobs or something equally shallow.

Just hang out... if you have talked to him a little and know one or two of his interests, talk about it and expand from there. If he likes frogs ask him to meet up at a pond with frogs in and allow him to lead you through the experience.

G'luck!

Q: My boyfriend is really shy. In general. So i was really amazed when he asked me out. Here's the problem. I'm getting really bothered by his shyness. He doesnt do anything a boyfriend should so. He hugs me occasionally. When he does they are really stiff hugs and very quick. I feel like he hugs me because he has to not because he wants to. We dont hold hands or kiss. He never compliments me. He acts like a friend even less. He doesnt flirt or anything. I want him to start acting like my boyfriend and not like my friend. I at least want hugs that mean something. My friends with boyfriends all have held hands and hug and do normal things like that. I want him to start doing that but i dont want to talk to him about it. What should i do? Is there any way i can hint at it without coming on too strong?
Next time when you are sitting outside on the lawn or where ever, keep the atmosphere light, make jokes and such, then start poking him (lightly at first) and stuff like that, then try to play wrestle him, try to end up with your face close to his and then TELL him to kiss you if he hadn't started already.

Sound strange but it might get the stiffness out.




Q: i cant over the fact that so many people in my grade have boyfriends and girlfriends. i am a freshhmen and there are girls in my grade going out with juniors. im not saying that i want that but i dont want think im so ugly. i dont know if there is anything i can change to maybe make myself more attractive or what to do :( please help!
Keep yourself well groomed.
May not be able to change your looks but get everything you can going for you.

And stop thinking about that crap.
Have a saying in South Africa, "Vroeg Ryp, Vroeg Vrok", The sooner fruit is ready the sooner it'll go bad.

Q: most of my friends all have boyfriends and i'm the only single one and so when they hang out with their boyfriends i usually end up just staying at home because i don't have a boyfriend. a lot of guys think that i'm pretty and i've had a few like me but they just are never interested in being in a relationship with me. i've been trying to get with this guy for a couple months now but the problem is that the way it started is that we had sex and when we kept talking i started to like him as more than a physical relationship but now he just wants sex and doesn't want a relationship. i've been having a really hard time lately wondering why no one seems to want me. how can i work on getting a relationship?
Lose the "nobody wants me" routine else nobody will want you, and only people who want to use you will remain.

Unless you only want a physical relationship, tell him to buzz-off, and move on, he is not interested in you.

Go out and meet new people, and forget about getting a boyfriend.

Then when you know someone you like (maybe you already do), and he doesn't make a move (week or two), go ask him why he hasn't asked you out yet. Alot of great guy's think alot of great girls are too good for them (because of looks, fashion sence, etc.), and in many cases its not true. They are interested but they won't make a move.

However! Doing this with someone you have just met may come across as being a little slutty.

Best of luck!

BTW. Do you stay in South Africa and are you at least 17 by any chance?
mail me! ;)

Q: im a freshman in highschool and last year in eighth grade i got really close to these two guys rob and dan. theyre both really good friends and last year my feelings for them would be a roller coaster. i would like rob and then i would like dan, vice versa. well, this year rob never talks to me let alone even looks at me and it truely hurts. i feel like i did something wrong. lately ive been paying a lot of attention to dan, maybe thats why? i just dont understand whats going on and why he seems like hes acting so strange. plus he hooked up with one of my good friends for the first time. and i dont even like rob anymore, or atleast i dont think so. any comments/advice would be great :]
rob seems really mature for his age.
It is not fair to keep people on a line, and I really hope you never have to experience why I say it.
choose and take responsibility.

Q: 16/m

Sorry this might be long. Well. We'll just call this girl R, lol. She's really weird just like me and shes like my best friend n all that. I am really starting to like her. A lot. We stay up talking on weekends sometimes, and we never run out of things to talk about.

Problem is, she has a boyfriend. They've been going out for like a really really long time, and I wouldn't tell her I like her when she has a boyfriend. So I've been waiting. And nothing changes. I still like her.

But a couple nights ago she left me this really long message saying that she liked me as more than a friend. And she also wrote in it "I know i have a boyfriend and all that, which is why i'm having a really hard time liking you. nd i dont want anyone thinking im cheating on him or whatever because im really not the kind of person to do that sort of thing. And dont ask me why i like you because i dont even know. its just a huge puzzle to me. Anyway, I just had to tell you this because it was killing me and i had to get it off my chest. and im really afraid to send this but i know nothing will change if i dont so here it goes..." and i noticed she sent this really late at night.

and then after that she sent a message that said "omg. ignore that last message. i was like acting drunk. omfg please ignore it."

What do you think I should do...?

hehehe, devil you!

she is probably going to try to act a bit distant towards you.

do you like her enough to get beaten up by the boyfriend with the possibility that MAYBE she set you up?
maybe its her boyfriend who got jealous and sent it on her cellphone.
maybe she wont respond that way again.

thats pretty much the worst case scenarios friend.

keep the message to yourself, and then if i were you id take the chance. tell her to leave her boyfriend, before she cheats on him.

if the second paranoia shows true then show her the message.

1) choose
2) take responsibility
3) don't look back

best of luck!

Q: Its October 16 of 07. Well the names Stephen. the situation is that a very good friend of mine Aram was seeing this girl Brianna for 6 months. We all had worked together at a theatre and thats pretty much how we all met. Recently they broke up at around the end of of july and since then i have been hanging with Brianna a lot lately.

i was with her when they had problems in mid july and had started have feelings grow for her. They break up then about a month later when we hang out a lot she tells me that she has feelings for me. Well i tell her that i had feelings for this other girl Angela. I told Brianna that it was Angela but eventually told Brianna i also had feelings for her but she didn't know that it was stronger with her at the time. So we hang out more but i hold back because of the fat that i had to talk to Aram before doing anything and clearing that situation up.

Well countless times when Brianna and were together i held back and i feel that it was unfair to her because she also thouht that i wanted to be with Angela. Well after a little under three months she talking to Aram now and i still have feeling for her and i know that she has feelings for him. Well i want to talk to him about that.

I know that they still have feelings for each other and that she has feelings for me but i think that she would choose him. And i have talked to him about how i felt about her and he was glad that it was a guy that he knew but still he is a best friend and i know that hurt him. But i didn't do anything with her. I held back for Arams sake. What do i do now?
firstly choose.
secondly take it like a man.

you know you bud, would he be cool about it? or simply take it? would he let you know about it if you told him?

if you are under twenty id say leave the girl, go with your bud and try to pickup a couple of other chicks and have fun. you both get over her.

but remember the two rules at the top.

I'm glad not to be in your situation and simply give advice...
best of luck to you man.
remember, nothing in life that is worth it is easy.

Q: I'm 18 and just started college. Recently, my boyfriend and I had a horrible break-up. He knew that it shook me hard & he's still cocky. I love college and I have many friends. The problem is, he'll be coming to my school next semester. I can't help feeling that it's my territory he's invading. School is somewhere away from him and to get my mind off him. What am I supposed to do when he suddenly shows up? He'll be a constant reminder of heartache and I won't want to go to school anymore!
best defense is a good offense...
get a bigger boyfriend :D

seriously, try to get over him, try to go on a couple of dates, even if you ask a guy out.

you have a couple of months left to buff yourself emotionally, use it.

i have to say that if you ignore him, he is probably going to notice. best would be if you can face him like (or as if) he is a lesson learned...

i HATE when girls do that to me :S

my best to you!

Q: I am a semi-White collar/blue collar type and women my age shun me like I was the plague. I have tried everything and I am about to "throw in the towel" and remain single for life. I tried Internet dating and that was a flop, I even tried flirting with unmarried (and unattached) women where I live but that only turns them off. It's like I have a dark cloud above my head that says "doom". I would make a perfect husband but no woman seems to be willing to take me up on that offer. I can take the truth. If I'm doomed, then I understand. (Male, 32, Anglo-German, writer and Christian and political activist)
that dark cloud above your head that says "doom"... i see it.
you will need to loosen up a bit.

if you are willing to take a bit of a leap, give me a email, i might have something that MIGHT help you if you are willing to help yourself.
If you don't trust me, make up a email at yahoo or someting.

It really helped me a great deal.

ck_madrynn@yahoo.co.uk

Q: THIS IS A QUESTION FOR A GUY'S OPINION ONLY

Where do guys like the girls to put their hands when they are making out?
Please don't say penis =P

Thanks in advance!
a nice tender kiss, she has her forearms resting on mine.

a sexy kiss, oh everywhere and anywhere.
try to read the kiss as you touch.
grope a little, stroke a little.
don't overdo the good spots, keep it to build a type of rhythm. almost like making music :P

but best of all, if she pulls away and she looks like she enjoyed it... u know stroke the ego a bit.

hope this helps and damn i could use a good kiss right about now :P

Q: hi. 15/m
i've known this girl for about a month. i met her at a football game. she's really pretty and just all around great. great personality, etc...all the good stuff.
so last night, at another football game, i asked her out. we'd been talking over aim/facebook since we'd met and i really like her.
well after i asked her she thinks for a minute, then turns to me and says "i need to think about it". then i give her a hug because i had to leave.
well i got a message from her this morning after i got home from saturday varsity swim practice that said "i really really really like you but i don't really want a boyfriend right now...not saying i wont in a couple weeks or months but i dont want it to be awkward around us..." etc.
well we've been talking litterally like....all day. and so i think what i'm trying to ask is do i try again in a couple weeks or what? i don't really have much experience with girls...i've only ever had one girlfriend and so idk if i should try again later or if i should look for someone else...

thanks a bunch
G.M.
having a girl tell you anything except a flat out NO! is great. You put the thought in her head and she said maybe.
if you are friends now, why ask her out on a date? hanging out with her is perfect, she gets to know you and visa versa.
tell her to join you for whatever you like doing, if she has something to say, tell her, "as friends of course".
don't act defensive, nothing wrong with a guy trying his luck.
But right now, hang around her and have fun with her.

Best of luck.

Q: im 17/f with no confidence at all to do anything..i wanna experience things..live..party it up..i mean im gonna be a senior. The thing is..i dont know how to boost my self confidence to go out and meet ppl..im not ugly..not fat..i just dont have good self esteem..i wanna LIVE..but where do i start?
Well, when you are in a situation where you feel inferior, try to forget yourself and what other people think of you. Think about it, some of the best times you've ever had, you weren't thinking, ooo me this and ooo me that, he/she thinks that exc...
You are not superior/inferior to anybody..
You need to control your emotions else they (and possibly some really twisted people) are going to control you.
Do this exercise:
Think of a time where you were really comfortable, then tap your pinky and thumb together 3 times.
Do this over a couple of weeks/months until, by doing the tapping, you can get yourself into that emotional state.
It could be handy when you feel vulnerable.
then later, think of other states you would like to recall on demand and practice it with different motions, like scratching you ear or whatever.
Good luck

Q:

i have an amazing boyfriend, he does everything you could emagine a wonderful boyfriend doing. we've been together 5 and a half months now. i used to be so happy with everything, but he's 3 years older than me. i'm only 15 and everything is so serious now. he also get VERY jealous, and i'm not allowed to talk to other guy, text any other guys or anything, i barely even get to hang out with my friends. i really love my boyfriend but i keep thinking do i really want to be so serious, i'm only 15 i need freedom.

i need some advice on what to do here?
tell him the things you said in tis post... though don't use "serious" at all. make him understand why you like him, work his ego a bit.

Q: hey . well im fourteen years old and my man is 18 . i like him alot and he keeps trying to have sex wiht me . but i say no. im fixing to move to another city and so is he. i really like him but i dont know if i should stay with him. i mean this is the first boyfriend my mom has let me keep. he doesnt pressure me to do anything . if i say no he understands. but yet my older cuzin always tells me that hes not good enough for him. but shes always going out with guys who are not even good for her either. What should i do about my boyfriend? should i stay with him or jux give us some time? byu the way we have been together for three months. but we have known eachother for a year.
bugger what your cousin says about boys till she has it figured it out for herself, i'm not saying just sleep with the guy, but don't let anyone tell you about love or how it is supposed to be, its your OWN.
but if you ask me, wait till you are older with sex anyway. when you have found each other, give time.

my best


bio
hoji

Info
E-mail:
Gender:
Male

Location:
South Africa

Occupation:
Clinical Engineer

Age:
31

Member Since:
August 7, 2005

Answers:
109

Last Update:
February 1, 2012

Visitors:
8666

Main Categories:





Favorite Columnists






layout by Adam Particka

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>

eXTReMe Tracker