askhoji
advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: i dont feel appericated in my relationship....
Are you doing things that are worth appreciating?
Does he buy her flowers? SWEET.
Does he flush the toilet after use? EXPECTED.

Are you doing too much/little?
Does he buy her flowers?
Nope? SIGH.
Occationally? SWEET.
Twice every day? TOO MUCH.

Do you and your partner share the same value system?
Does she actually like flowers or would the toilet flush actually have made her swoon?

Good Luck!
Hoji

Q: My friends talk about me behind my back, and they end up dissing me for this other girl.

Ok, so here's the deal:
Me and this girl(Lucy) used to be the BESTEST of friends back in elementry school. But, after I met 2 other girls,(Hannah and Mya) she has been trying to seperate all of us. Now, Hannah and Mya diss me for Lucy! We ALL have all the same classes together. So, how do I get them to hang out with me again?
Laught and the world laughts with you, cry and you sob alone.

The bigger you make this issue, the bigger it will become to everyone involved... and in the end, the more uncomfortable. When things become uncomfy around you, even when it because someone is talking trash behind your back, people associate that uncomfortability with you... bad vibes...

Best thing to do is to play it cool. It's not easy, but don't react to the situation. Be the same to those girls like you have in the past, let their problems be theirs. Obviously this does not mean you should run after them and be all needy, this is precisely the opposite, without being snotty towards them!

Be happy, so do things that you like to do, associate with people who like to do the same things. Also try new things, look at interesting things other people are doing and join in. When I'm interested in something, I tend to naturally ask questions about it, how it works, etc. In short, be proactive.

And by the way, everybody loves fun, and people tend to flock to the source of that fun. That way, because people are having fun around you, they will start to associate you with having fun and will see you as being fun.

If those girls should come crawling back, hear them out, but listen to your B.S. sense and then YOU get to decide where to go from there.

...but I may be wrong... and then its a terrible tragedy..

Best of luck!
Hoji

Q: How do I get over being dumped without even an explanation or a phone call?
First off, your question kinda gets you half way there.
Your now ex is a a-hole. Very much worth getting over.
There are alot off better quality people out there worth looking for.

The second part is to be proactive, like the other answers suggest.

My best!

Q: I've never had a real best friend untill now, I've been best friends with my friend Tiffany for about 3 years and we're like sister's. For some reason I get jeloues and depressed because she hangs out with other people and doesn't invite me. But when I do that she gets mad that I ditched her or whatever.
I had a group a friends a few years ago, and they pushed me away because of what I was going threw, Now I guess I feel like she's going to do that to me. It's always in the back of my mind whenever she hangs out with other people. I can't help it either. I shut down sometimes because I get so sad about it, scared almost. What should I do? I told her how I felt already and she said she understands but she doesn't know what to do about it. There isn't much she can do though, I mean this is my fault right?
Start being more positive and become your own best friend first, this is REALLY big.

Try leading a more active lifestyle and do thing that interest you... broaden your horizons.

Meet more people and chose friends out of these. It will be easier with a active lifestyle and being able to talk about interesting topics and people like positive attitudes that lifts them out of their own depressions.

I could have your whole situation wrong but I can only identify with you from my own experience.

I went through a simular situation, after which I also clinged to one friend and also felt neglected whenever he would go do something else with other people. Thats not healthy, it's needy.

Get to know yourself, accept your strong and weak points, take responsability for your life then one by one work on the points you don't like and would like to change.

I have only truly been able to become my own best friend in the last three or so years, and now I am able to much better handle rejection of all sorts.

The sad part is that I'm 31 now, that means that where other people have been able to grow socially, make more and more real friends by sifting through all the people they have met, at the same time developing a social sense, I have not, and am only now learning those lessons.

Where that may come across as very negative statement, I try not compare myself with other people anymore, I do try compare myself to myself a year back, thats always very positive, and I don't beat myself up about things in my life (too much).
The point is that the sooner you start working on yourself the sooner you will see results and have a longer happier life.

It is hard work, and every step I have taken has proven worth the trouble... there are set-backs, no doubt. I'm not going to jump on my soap box and tell you, I am there. I'll just tell you what I have found to help me so far.

Do yourself a favour and google those first 3 points I made, read up on it for yourself. The first two points go hand in hand, the third point kinda flows out of them.

My Best to you.

Q: How can I turn on this guy and make him want to have sex but just tease him because I dont want to go all the way yet?
This sounds like a question a female friend of mine would have asked... and we are neither friends or on speaking terms anymore.

If you like him but don't feel like you are ready to go for the home run yet, fine don't, but don't lead him to where you are not ready to go.

Maybe it's just your phrasing, but the way you posed the question makes it seem like you don't really like him and would just like to exploit him using your sexuality, in essance a bully...

"live by the sword, die by the sword."

G'Luck!

Q: I've been daring my boyfriend for almost 9 months. He's madly inlove with me and a few months ago pressured me into saying "I love you too". We say it daily but I know I don't mean it. The thing is I'm in high school and I feel like I shouldn't be tied down to one person. I just know we aren't right for each other but I DO like him. I Know he'll never break up with me. Atlases not any time soon. Our families are different, he is rude to me severly sometimes, he has no desire for planning for his future, nothing about us is the same. What do I say that sounds not so much like an excuse?
Tell him preciselly what you said in your post.

Don't tell him extra crap like "You'll meet somebody great" or and of that crap PLEASE. If you do, listen very carefully... you might just hear me puke, all the way from Africa xD

If you really DO like him and have any sort of respect for him, tell him in person. If you don't, send him a e-mail or sms.

It's hard I know, best of luck.

Q: I am a 15 year old girl.
I have bright colored red hair and blue eyes and i just was curious to know how most men feel about redheads. Just because sometimes i get insecure about how i look, which i guess happens to most women even if their good at hiding it. I am 5'8", i weigh 112 lbs last time i checked, but its not like im so skinny i look sick. I think i have a nice body and pretty face, but im just not sure how guys feel about my hair. Ive gotten insults and compliments, but the compliments are most of the time from people much older than me. Sooo i was just curious, please give your opinion on red hair and blue eyes on a girl. :)
I love red heads as long as they keep their hair clean.
But then again, I'm a ginger myself...

Generally, men dont mind what colour hair you have.

When people tease me about it, I just see it as them trying to playfully reach out to me...

At 15 you get teased, and at 25 you won't be able to keep men away!

Good Luck AND msg me in 3 years!

Q: Okii so im 13 years old and female i go to a junior high with my best friend, and shes 15(yes she fluncked 5th grade once) so anyways i dont lyk one of her friends. so lets call me "connie" my best friend "lizette" and her friend "elizabeth". so anyways lizette told elizabeth i dont lyk her, and shes lyk well thats good because i dont lyk her either, i doesnt bother me because well i dont lyk her but my friend is always telling her friend everything i say for example she has a friend "lizeth" and i told lizette that it looked lyk if lizeth had a hicky, well she had to go and tell lizeth, and of coarse i got pissed off, shes always doing this to me.

so what should i tell her so that she stops saying everything i tell her, i alredy confronted her bout it but she wont stop please help
Yup, stop telling her things that you don't want repeated... or better yet work on making better friends. That's the nice way of doing it.

Does she ever start a sentence with "I don't want to gossip, but..."?

If you are maliciously natured, like I also have been in the past over a simular situation, you could turn it into a game where you tell something to your friend, something so deliciously unresistebly untrue, and time how long the story takes to get back to you.

My best was 13 minutes, almost got me beat up, but then, denial is a powerfull tool.

G'Luck!

Q: I m from india .I like a boy since two year's but i just don't know how to tell him .what should i do?
I'll take it from the top as I don't get the whole situation...

Unless you are looking for a one night stand I suppose you could get a conversation started, find out more about him, objectivly listen.

Build on things you both like... don't be manipulative and "like" everything about him, it comes across as needy... nobody likes needy in the beginning. So he likes frogs and you like frogs too, maybe make a meeting to go to a pond and watch frogs together... you know. Build a connection. Do differant things together.

I personally believe that talking about liking somebody to them early on jinx the whole thing... i could be wrong there. So, if by then he has not made a move, you will have to... yeah to the female libiration! It's a leap, I know... but no bigger one than men have made for ages (ooh and have I hit hard walls in my time, it makes us stronger).

Easiest way I know is:
Take this slow, start being touchy with him... start small... like only touch his arm for a second during conversation (once every 10/15 minutes). As time progress, insist he walks arm in arm, hold hands, you can maybe spank him when he is bad, hug him when he makes you laugh. As more time passes sit closer next to him and so both be comfortable. Then one day when you are sitting close and speaking, turn and kiss him gently. You'll have to adjust this step by step progression to your own customs, values and comfort.

IMPORTANT: You have to start doing this as soon as posible and calmly progress as you get to know each other better, till later on when the moment is right.

If he gets tense or weirded out at some point, don't worry, continue what you did before that point and at a later stage try progres again.

He should get the idea before you try to kiss him and either kiss you first or tell you that he is not interested, if not... just keep progressing.

Best of luck to you!

Q: Open Question:

My 44 year old aunt is pregnant, Could something happen to her if she has the baby?

My aunt Jess is 44 (I think) and she jus told us that she's 4 months pregant. This is her only baby. She's been pregnant before but the other babies died really early before they were born. So anyway. I heard that its not good for old women to have babies. I heard that they can die or the babies can die or both. I'm really worried about aunt jess because she's helped my dad take care of me and my siblings since my mom left when me and my twin were babies (my mom was depressed). Aunt jess is like a mom to me, the only mom I've ever known even though my dads had lots of girlfriends. I dnt wanna lose aunt jess. I dnt want the baby to kill her. I'm scared. But aunt jess has wanted a baby for a long time. She said we're like her babies but its not the same. What's gonna happen to her? Will she be okay? What about the baby? What if aunt jess is ok but she looses the baby and gets the same kind of depressed that my mom had and leaves like she did. I need aunt jess, I love her and I dnt know what to do. Do you think she will be okay?
You are right, pregnancies get more dangerous the older the woman is, which is why it is so important to concult with a experienced gynocologist. They will take all these factors into acount and advise your aunt on what is best for her individual situation.

Don't worry too much!
G'Luck ;D

Q: I really like this girl, but she doesn't like me. She likes one of my best friends.And were graduating soon ,but she's going to a different school from me and i won't be able to see her anymore. I only have until June 10 left. Should I just give up liking her? Please help!
the short answer is, yes, let her go.
the longer answer is if you are able to just be friends with her, be that, but never at your own expense.

g'luck

Q: I have this friend I have a crush on and I think he likes me too but not really sure. When we are around each other though it feels weird. We both seem to have a hard time talking to each other but have no problem talking to our other friends. My friend has told she has seen him looking at me. Sometimes he shows some interest. He makes small talk and sometimes he kisses me on the cheek. But if we're near each other for a long time I can feel the tension building. I was thinking maybe it was sexual tension but then again I dont really know what it is so Im not sure. What do u think it could be?
Ye, sounds like you have a crush on each other.

you assholes.

If you want to make double sure... when you think you are feeling it, WHILE talking to him, stand facing him, move in a little closer (halve the distance between you with one step) and touch his arm on the side for a second.
While you do this, check if his pupals dialate.
If you like first try it with your mom/friend/brother and see what their pupal response is.

Of course while you are that close you could slowly move your face closer to his at the same time and either see if he moves back, or even kiss him just then. It's not called taking a leap for nothing.

G'Luck!

Q: I like this boy at my school and we hang out every weekend pretty much and he always flirts with me constantly. I finally got around to telling him that I like him but he said that he just doesn't want a relationship right now. His actions are speaking much louder than those words though. I'm pretty sure that he likes me and I feel like we connect! How can I get him to ask me out already?! By the way I'm 14 going on 15 and a girl:)
Hope for the best, plan for the worst...

You don't get him to ask you out unless you flash your boobs or something equally shallow.

Just hang out... if you have talked to him a little and know one or two of his interests, talk about it and expand from there. If he likes frogs ask him to meet up at a pond with frogs in and allow him to lead you through the experience.

G'luck!

Q: OK, this is my 3rd question about this guy, if you havent read my other questions....ill fill you in:
Okay so this guy really likes me and keeps following me wherever i go. He gets really close to my face when he talks and is obnoxious and annoying. a tad bit rude too. Im ognoring him at the moment, and its NOY WORKING. He just wont give up. Im actually ANGRY. I dotn know what to do other than to tell him straight up thaat i dont want him following me. But he recently got transfered to 2 of my classes and sat next to me in both. One of them was my favorite classes and now hes in it. I know its not his doing, but he atleast can make an effort to try to stay away from me. No, he knows im avoiding him and is still ding every little thing he possibly can to be near me. Its gotten to the point where i cant even hang out with my own friends! Im really upset and angry, and i really need some help, and help that will work and keep away from me and out of my life.

Guys don't always get the female hints (women usually go nonononononoyes), tell him what I wished a lot of women would have just told me.

I suggest you do this where there are some people around, but where your conversation would still be private. Ask him nicely what his problem is, hear him out, then decide or not to tell him nicely that you are getting tired of this crap and that he should please "F-off". Turn around and walk away.

Just cause you are telling him straight up don't mean you should say it like a bitch, just keep your cool, but if he persist be a COLD bitch.
Like, he comes sits next to you in class, casually put up your hand and ask you teacher to move you to another seat.

Then lastly if THAT don't work, tell your dad or teachers that he is harassing you.

My best to you.

Q: My boyfriend is really shy. In general. So i was really amazed when he asked me out. Here's the problem. I'm getting really bothered by his shyness. He doesnt do anything a boyfriend should so. He hugs me occasionally. When he does they are really stiff hugs and very quick. I feel like he hugs me because he has to not because he wants to. We dont hold hands or kiss. He never compliments me. He acts like a friend even less. He doesnt flirt or anything. I want him to start acting like my boyfriend and not like my friend. I at least want hugs that mean something. My friends with boyfriends all have held hands and hug and do normal things like that. I want him to start doing that but i dont want to talk to him about it. What should i do? Is there any way i can hint at it without coming on too strong?
Next time when you are sitting outside on the lawn or where ever, keep the atmosphere light, make jokes and such, then start poking him (lightly at first) and stuff like that, then try to play wrestle him, try to end up with your face close to his and then TELL him to kiss you if he hadn't started already.

Sound strange but it might get the stiffness out.




Q: Stupid kids in the school don't know how to delete their history when t heir done checking their myspace, and these stupid librarians are so nosy!!! And we used to have our ways to break into, now ever things blocked!!! i hate it. Does anybody here know any websites to log into myspace or youtube??? PLease let me know
ye, get a open proxy server (setup your proxy through network setup... in control panel)... they are kinda risky, but nobody outside should know where u are accessing from, and nobody inside should know what you're accessing outside the proxy.
But good luck finding a good open proxy, I will keep my eye on this post for any suggestions. People at work are kinda nosy too... caught some guy downloading chicken porn, LOL!
My Best!

Q: So Halloween is tomorrow and I STILL don't know what to be. I can't really go out and buy a costume tonight so what are some ideas for a costume that I can just get out of my closet?
Thanks! :)
jeez u need to give more info!
u male/female? blond/brunette/redhead?

Easiest I can think of is go as Zombie, take a normal grey pencil, grind tip on sharpener and cover face (lightly), little bit more under eyes, maybe add a bit of blue pencil overall.
don't comb your hair... could add a bit of (light) grey for effect.
Maybe add cream to face before hand, for easy removal...
Have your clothes hang kinda loose... u get the idea.

Uuuaaaagghhhh!

Straight off the bat, thats the best i can come up with.

Goodluck!

Q: i cant over the fact that so many people in my grade have boyfriends and girlfriends. i am a freshhmen and there are girls in my grade going out with juniors. im not saying that i want that but i dont want think im so ugly. i dont know if there is anything i can change to maybe make myself more attractive or what to do :( please help!
Keep yourself well groomed.
May not be able to change your looks but get everything you can going for you.

And stop thinking about that crap.
Have a saying in South Africa, "Vroeg Ryp, Vroeg Vrok", The sooner fruit is ready the sooner it'll go bad.

Q: most of my friends all have boyfriends and i'm the only single one and so when they hang out with their boyfriends i usually end up just staying at home because i don't have a boyfriend. a lot of guys think that i'm pretty and i've had a few like me but they just are never interested in being in a relationship with me. i've been trying to get with this guy for a couple months now but the problem is that the way it started is that we had sex and when we kept talking i started to like him as more than a physical relationship but now he just wants sex and doesn't want a relationship. i've been having a really hard time lately wondering why no one seems to want me. how can i work on getting a relationship?
Lose the "nobody wants me" routine else nobody will want you, and only people who want to use you will remain.

Unless you only want a physical relationship, tell him to buzz-off, and move on, he is not interested in you.

Go out and meet new people, and forget about getting a boyfriend.

Then when you know someone you like (maybe you already do), and he doesn't make a move (week or two), go ask him why he hasn't asked you out yet. Alot of great guy's think alot of great girls are too good for them (because of looks, fashion sence, etc.), and in many cases its not true. They are interested but they won't make a move.

However! Doing this with someone you have just met may come across as being a little slutty.

Best of luck!

BTW. Do you stay in South Africa and are you at least 17 by any chance?
mail me! ;)

Q: well you know how if someone you know/you're having suicidal thoughts you should tell someone or call that hotline or whatever? well is it really that necessary? i myself on occasion have suicidal thoughts/feelings and if somebody did that to me i would honestly feel betrayed and i think it would be completely unnecessary. i'm not a doctor, so i guess i would not know for sure. but if i'm having or sometimes have thoughts about suicide is it really that big of a deal that needs immediate attention? like i don't think about it all the time only occasionally..
Best advice I can give anybody:
Read "The Road Less Traveled" I think the authors surname is Peck.
DO IT!
Then decide if you want to give it to your friend.
It REALLY help me!
I think I'm going to read it again right now.

Best Wishes!

bio
hoji

Info
E-mail:
Gender:
Male

Location:
South Africa

Occupation:
Clinical Engineer

Age:
31

Member Since:
August 7, 2005

Answers:
109

Last Update:
February 1, 2012

Visitors:
3838

Main Categories:





Favorite Columnists






layout by Adam Particka

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>

eXTReMe Tracker