Miss_Lily's advice column | Miss_Lily's Advice About Love Life

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Q: I am desperate to get my ex-boyfriend back. He doesn't want to get back together because we fight alot. I will do anything. How can I get him back?

It seems as if your ex's mind is already made up. Obviously in your previous relationship, you and him argued a lot. So the last thing in his mind to remind him of your relationship with him is that. If you think that he is dead set on not being with you, then the best thing you can hope for with him is a friendship. But if there is an ounce of hope or feelings between the two of you, then you need to talk to him. Tell him that you know that your last try with him ended terribly, but that you are a changed person, and you are willing to work on your relationship with him. Let him know that every relationship goes through ups and downs, and arguments are normal, but you and him can come up with different ways besides arguing to express you all's feelings. If he still has feelings for you, then he should be willing to give you another chance.

Q: The other night, I was out with a friend, and we met up with these guys. I guess you could call them 'skaters'. So. The two of us walked around, while they skated around us. They asked us if we'd let them finger us, and we joked around saying yeah. We told them we'd have sex with them in an instant, even though we were kidding, which I guess they didn't realize.
So, we headed for a park by a school, and they got behind a bush and pretty much just pulled it out right there, and they were begging us to come back there and, well jerk them off. I wouldn't do it because quite frankly, I've got a little more self respect than that. I wouldn't let my friend do it even though she was tempted because she has a boyfriend and she knew she'd regret it right after she finished.
So, these guys were telling me I'm a total "downer" and a "prude" and later they told my friend that they really didn't like me, just because I wouldn't give them a handjob.
So, I feel really bad about myself, like I let them down or something, even though I know that they're just huge jerks. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about it and wishing that I had just done it and everything would be fine now.
I'd really like some advice about what I should do. Thanks.

There is nothing that you need to do. You did the right thing. You said that you had a lot of self respect for yourself to NOT do something like that, so why are you downing yourself now? There is no point for you to feel bad about making a decision that kept you with your self respect intact. Those guys are not worth the stress. If they want someone easy, let them find someone else to jack them off.

Q: i was lead on by a guy. i liked this guy he told me how he felt but in the end when i finally got the courage to ask him out he said no (i asked him out the nest day online) and he said because he still likes his ex what should i do? he told that he loved me and all this other stuff and in the end i get turned down. plz help me.
signed
disappointed.

It is time for you to grieve, move on and get over him. Obviously he doesn't know what love is. If he still likes his ex, then he had no business leading you on and telling you that he loved you. He is really confused right now, and that is not the kind of guy that you need to start a relationship with. Let him know that you don't appreciate being led on, and that you don't like it when people say things to you that they don't mean or that they don't have any understanding of. Then, direct your attention to someone that is more worthy of your attention.

Q: heres my problem. whenever i start to like a guy, i get really excited about it and tell ALL of my friends. then it usually turns out that the guy doesnt like me and ive been humiliated in fron of my friends. how can i keep my love life to myself?

That is easy, stop telling all of your friends. The only person putting your love life out to everyone is you. When you stop talking to everybody about who you have a crush on, then you won't be embarrassed when that guy doesn't have the same feelings for you.

Q: O.k i'm 14/fm and live in Texas. I want a b.f. so badly, but none of the boys at my school like me cause i have braces, and i'm 5ft 2inch. I've had boyfriends, but they were'nt very much true b.f.'s. I'm always told by a friend or something that i'll never have a true b.f. that actually likes me, cause they eather say i'm not pretty enough or i'm not smart enough. My dad says i'm pretty, and i get all a's in my classes. How come guy's still don't like me. Maybe a guy could answer this question for me. Thanx lots.
Love- Lacey P.S. i give people who answer nicely 5's.True answers to please.

There is no point into trying to rush and find a boyfriend. I believe in the saying: There is someone for everyone. The right guy will come along, and like you for you. He won't care how tall you are, or whether or not you have braces on your teeth. He will like you for your personality and your brains. Your "friend" is not a friend at all. What kind of a friend would tell you that you'll never have a true BF because you are not pretty or smart enough? Keep being yourself, and Mr. Right will come along right on time.

Q: I want to dump my boyfriend...and yes I have my reasons. He asked me if I would go to the movies with him this Friday. And I said I would, but since then I have decided I want to dump him. I don't know what to do now though. Because I went with him to the movies last week and he thought I got mad at him there. But I didn't. His friend told me that my boyfriend was shy last week and he wanted to give me a kiss and everything but he was to shy. And he was going to this Friday. I need advice on what to do, because there is another guy that I want to go out with, when me and my boyfriend break up. I'm not sure if I want to dump my boyfriend before or after the movies. What do you think?

You need to break up with your boyfriend before the movies. It is not fair to him for you to lead him on. You need to nip this in the bud, and do it now before his feelings are hurt to drastically. Explain to him exactly why you want to break up with him. Don't leave him the dark. Tell him that you would like to remain friends with him, but you don't see him as anything more then a friend right now. If your boyfriend is understanding and if he cares about you at all, then he will let you go without the drama. Since he is shy, try to talk to him privately, away from a crowd. That way, he won't be embarrassed in front of his friends for being dumped.

Q: Miss Lily-
Thanks for all your help. You're an angel :). He called me yesterday and said he realizes he loves me and stuff and everything is back to normal. But I really appreciate your advice.

You are so welcome! :) I am glad that I could help you. It makes me feel good on the inside when my advice works for the people that need it the most. Take care of yourself and I hope that you and him are happy for a very long time.
~ Much love.

Q: Hi again people help my out. By the way the people that never heard of me my I'm a girl and I'm 14 and my bff (which is a girl) is 14 and we've experimented 3 times and liked it. She hasn't completly told me her feelings about me but she sends me signs. I've been hesitant to tell her because I wasn't that sure about my being bisexual or straight. Now I'm positively sure I'm bisexual. Know that I've decided to tell my best friend that I'm attracted to her and that I want to be with her I don't know what to say! I mean should I play a love song and sing it to her or get a really good poet and read the love that I have for her from the poet's writing that relates how I've been feeling about her. Help a girl out, Please!!!

I think that you should hold off on professing your love to your friend until you find out if she has the same feelings for you. If she doesn't share your feelings, then singing a song to her or reciting a poem coudl weird her out, and ultimately you could loose a friend. What exactly are the signals that she is sending you? Does she show that she likes you as more then a friend? Or are you confusing her friendship love for you as something else? You need to be 100% sure that your friend is just not using you to experiment, or if she really did like experimenting with you. I noticed that you said that you liked it, but you did not mention once if she said that she liked it. Talk to her, and try to see where she is coming from first.

Q: Ok, Im in love with this girl Renee. She is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I went away with her for a weekend and I was really happy... she was really happy.. We kissed and stuff. We fell asleep in each others arms. The next day when we were heading home she was kind of distant. I noticed it and asked her if she was having second thoughts. she said she didnt like me as much as I like her and that the feelings the felt that night had gone away.. I still love her, deeply, I think about her all the time, and we still talk, but I dont want to love her but I cant help it and its killing me, I'm afraid if I stop loving her, I'll stop liking her all together, and I really dont want that to happen.. Im not entirely convinced that her feelings for me are gone, I think she is just hiding them, not wanting to be hurt... but I'd never hurt her!

What can I do? Should I just keep trying to get over her? Should I persist? Could my theorys be true that she is just hiding her true feelings? HELP!!

17/m

Your theory could be true. She could honestly be hiding her feelings for you. What you need to do is ask her for the truth. Ask her if she is afraid to be with you because of her fear of being hurt. Let her know that you would never hurt her. Explain to her that you have feelings for her, and that you felt a connection with her that weekend. Overall, you can't make a girl like you. If she insist that her feelings aren't as strong as yours and that she still doesn't want to be with you, then you have to let her go, as hard as that may seem. For yu to stop caring about her, you have to stop spending so much time with her. Your heart needs time to heal and get over her sudden rejection of you. Talking with her only time will only add fuel to the fire. I am hoping for the best in this situation.

Q: I have been married for almost 7yrs and since about a year ago I don't feel my husband loves me like he use to what do I do? Recently his coworker told me that he might be stealing do I say anything to him? I am 27yrs old. He is 25. We have four kids. We just boughgt a house.

The best thing for you to do is talk to your husband. Let him know how you are feeling. Seven years is a long time to be married, (CONGRATULATIONS!), and sometimes romance and communication between spouses can come to a standstill. It is not just up to your husband to keep the spark in your relationship though. There are things that you can do to show him that you love him. One day, hire a babysitter to watch your children, and take your husband to a nice resturant. One that has a dress code or one where you and him can't wear jeans and a t-shirt too. When you talk to your husband, let him know that you feel as if he doesn't love you like he use to. Explain to him that you feel that your marriage is in a romantic rut and that you want to try something new to spice it up. Something new could be regular dinner dates, or days that you and him spend together alone on the couch cuddling and watching a movie. I am sure that with four children, things do get pretty hectic around the house and it could be hard for you and him to find alone time together. Therefor, you have to make a lone time with him. Communication is the key in any relationship. As long as you talk to him, you will maintain an open relationship with him.

I suggest that you talk to him on another day, a day different from your marriage talk, about what his coworker said. That way, he won't forget about the conversation about your marriage and focus all of his attention to the rumors that are going around about him. It is important that you tell him about the workplace rumors, so he can go to his job and get them to stop.

Q: this guys keeps calling me prude. i just dont want to waste my first kiss on someone i dont care about. do you think i should just kiss someone and get it over with or just keep waiting for the perfect moment and the perfect guy. i am 14 years old. please help.

Wait for the perfect moment and the perfect guy hon. These are your memories, not someone else's, and you are right. Your first kiss should be saved on someone who you care about. Let those guys keep calling you a prude, sticks and stones. Obviously they are not worthy, because if they liked you enough, then they would wait.

Q: Where do i begin? I was recently married 9 months ago to a 47 yr. old nurse. I am a female,45,and officer and have 2 girls, 11 and 16. I was single for 6 yrs. before, having been abused and mistreated for 11 yrs. I started over and now have a nice home and 2 cars, and have worked hard alone for what I have. So anyway I always wanted to marry again someday and have the family thing, and be happy.So I took a chance and boy I have been wondering about my judgement. We so rarely make love its getting hard to recall. He is just not interested he says, He hates when I say something about it, Another problem is I wonder could he be Bi-sexual, Right after we got married I caught him on the computer with men and women and talking sex, writing Bi-Sexual couples etc. I have caught him not about 5 times since we got married,. I Now have forbid him to use my computer, well he went to the library, and did it and he probabley does it at work. He denies that he is BI, saying it was for kicks, he was just messing with them and he was just curious about people. He hurt my feelings so much and not wanting to sleep with me, makes me feel unloved,and depressed, I love him, and want my marriage to work, but you dont have to be a bright light bulb to figure something is wrong here. I have threatened to go elsewhere for sex and he says go right ahead. I am so hurt Im miserable. He says he loves me but he sure dont know how to show it and says he will leave if that is what I want. Im getting to where I dont talk to him, I hold things in, Do I need someone to just slap me and make me wake up here and quit wanting that fantasy of a decent kind,loving husband? Thanks P.s. He has 2 kids that wont have anything to do with him, he was an alcoholic and married twice before.

How long did you date your husband before you and him got married? Your husband sounds like he has a serious problem, one that you can't even solve for him. I think his first hint to you was the fact that he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. He claims that he is not interested in having sex, yet he can sit down in front of a computer and talk about sex with men and women he doesn't even know? If you can't recall the last time you and him made love, and he gets upset when you try and talk to him about it, then he is disregarding your feelings and doesn't care whether or not you are hurting. Not only that, but he is continuing to go on the internet and talk to other people about sex, even when he knows you are not comfortable with it. Yes, something is wrong in this situation. I would suggest trying marriage counseling, but I am not too sure how much that would work in this situation. Your husband is very selfish, and is only considering his emotions and his feelings. If you have threatened to have sex with someone else, and he says that he will leave, then maybe that is what he needs to do. You sound like a very successful women that can and will make it on your own without him. There is no point in having someone in your life that makes you hurt and miserable, that makes you hold your thoughts and emotions in for fear of upsetting him. He is like a stranger in your house, and maybe he needs to leave your house. If he has been married twice before and his own children don't bother to have anything to do with him, then maybe you need to take a clue from them.

Q: Okay at my job, I like my manager.... he's metrosexual, and of course we have that fratnerization rule. But anyways, he found out (not from me) that I like him, and he said he likes me too, but when I am around him, I don't feel like he likes me... I mean yeah he still laughs at my jokes and things like that, but he also said that if he wasn't my manager, he'd talk to me.... so I dunno if I am wasting my time, or if I should go ahead and keep talkin to him (promotions are in April, so if I do get promoted, I can talk to him...) so what should I do (and apparantely, he likes this other girl who's a manager, but she said she's over him...)

Never mix work with pleasure. It would not be a wise decision to date anyone that works with you. Your company policy strictly prohibits you and him from dating. If you tried to sneak around and do it and someone on a higher level finds out, then you would be the one most likely to loose your job for the simple fact that he is a manager and a more valuable asset to the company. You might be wasting your time in ths situation because it sounds as if he takes his job seriously. There is a chance that you could get passed up for a promotion this time around, making for an akward situation between you and him if you did continue to flirt with him. I also noticed that you stated that he likes another girl. Just becasue she is over him, doesn't mean that he is over her. Take this guy as a lost and try to find someone who does not work with you.

Q: me and my boyfriend have been going out for 10 months and his mom found notes about us having sex and both of us are really christain and love eachother so much.. otherwise we wouldnt had done that ... and his mom n dad freaked and he was away and i was here and then i went away and i didnt see him for 10 days... he picked me up frome the airport and everything seemed ok that night.. then that morning he seemed weird... and now i feel like hes avoiding me and doesnt love me anymore... he never calls me or acts like he cares... we have almost been togather for a year and i cant imagine my life without him. hes my bestfriend and boyfriend.. and i couldnt lose both.. but now both of his parents think im a slut and dont like me. i think they are getting to him. i was soposed to hang out with him tmmr and have a talk with his parents so that they will let him come over again... but then he said he couldnt because he had a birthday party to go to. im torn. i love him so much. i dont know what to do about him. or what to do if his parents are mean to me... i know i should stand up for myself. but im scared and dont know what to do.

You need to speak up for yourself. You have been with this guy for almost a year, if he is your bestfriend as well as your boyfriend, then you should be able to talk to him about any and everything. Talk to him privately one day, away from everyone else, and ask him what is wrong with him. Tell him that you have noticed that he has been acting differently around you every since his parents have found out that you and him have had sex. Let him know that you are confused as to why he won't talk to you when something is bothering you. If he cares at all about you, he will tell you the reason as to why he has been acting strange. It could be because of his parents, and their knowledge of ya'lls private life. Maybe he is getting some negative attention from them because of that. Communication is the key. Talk to him and work through ya'lls problem as soon as possible before you and him drift apart.

Q: I'm 16, i get told i'm pretty, 5'3, 120lbs, brown hair and eyes, sophmore, friendly, funny, and i love just about everyone... ok well thats the 411 on me but theres a huge problem with it: I'm sick of being single! Ive been single for waaaayyyy too long now. I want a real relationship that lasts! I used to like this one guy who just got out of a really long relationship, so that obviously didnt work out so well... then i started liking this other guy who goes to another school (i still kinda like him now too but things are confusing) and i THINK he likes me too. He's let me drive his car w/o my permit, he's taken me to this romantic park that i really wanted to go to so i metioned it to him and he surprized me, he didnt smoke for a week because i dont like it, he's spontaneously stopped by my house to pick me up, he takes pics of me on his camera and he left a message on my phone last week saying that he was looking through them and seeing me made him happy so he thought he'd call me... basically hes done adorable things like that! but the problem his he has a gf that he got after i started having a thing for him... i heard about it before he talked to me about it and he said "do you think i was sober when i asked her out?? no.." and "youre better than her, thats why i'm more worried about you being mad right now than even being with her" but yet like 3 weeks later he's STILL going out with her. I have a feeling he likes me, but since i'm not a skank i wont do all the things that his "gf" will do with him (i wont do them especially because he has the gf now). I think that he's falling for me and my personality but he's still with her because he wants some.. but i dont want that at all! I want a boyfriend who will love me for me.. i dont want to get played!!! what should I do?? PLEASE

This guy is a player. Point blank. He doesn't want to be with just you because you won't have sex with him. It seems as if he likes you for the conversation, and he loves being around you because of your personality, but he won't make a commitment to you because of your values. (As in, not sleeping with him.) I don't understand how you can like a guy, knowing that he is sleeping with someone else while flirting with you. If he had any respect for you, and liked you half as much as you like him, then he would have already of broken up with his girlfriend to be with you. Since he has not done that, or made any attempts to do that, then he has no intentions of being with anyone besides her for now. If he can go out with a girl while he is drunk, then sobers up and still doesn't break up with her, then what kind of person is he? Focus your attention on a guy that is more worthy. He is not worth your time.

Q: Hey me and my girlfriend broke up and i still liked her and i told her that then on my profile it said I LOVE YOU ****** and she e-mailed me tellin me to take it off and about how her and her friend were lookin at it and stuff like that and then she was like From Your Best Friend lol and that made me mad what should i do?

*****I RATE HIGH*****

You need to leave this girl alone. Obviously she doesn't care about your feelings or that fact that you love her. The more you try to be friendly or get back together with her, the more she will hurt you. Just let her go, and if she comes back to you on her own, then it was meant to be.

Q: ok im the girl who asked this ? ok me and my bf just broke up last night ok and it was all becuz i told him the truth about something i told him that i was starting to have feelings for someone else and i mean i hadn't cheated on him or anything me and the other guy just talk alot and i think im starting to have feelings for him and my ex was asking me what was wrong and i told him and i told him becuz i felt like i was lying to him and i didn't want to feel that way ne more and now he thinks im imature and sex hungry for some reason which im not i not stupid and i don't plan on doing any of that kind of crap any time soon just cuz the fact my parents would kill me and cuz im to young......so really who's being the imature one here me or him??? and should i have told him?? i mean was it a stupid mistake telling him or did i do the right thing???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ok now heres the thing i just found out from one of my bestest friends in the world i mean she wouldn't lie to me about anything ok that my ex made out with this chick on a chorus trip and it was in florida when it happened and what not but when i confronted him about it he says what happens somewhere else stays there im just wonder if thats RIGHT in any kind of way.......becuz he made me feel guilty for just talking to another guy and he effin made out with another chick so do you think thats right........

I think you are very much so the mature one in this situation. You told your ex how you felt. You were both truthful and honest about how you felt because you didn't want to feel as if you were hiding something behind his back. You spoke up for yourself, even when you knew there could have been consequences, and I applaud you for that. There is nothing wrong with having the feeling of like towards another boy. That will happen throughout your lifetime, even when you are older and married. (Trust me, I know because I am both older and married.) Your ex is hurt by what you told him, and therefor, he is trying to make you feel just as hurt as him. The rumor about your boyfriend could or couldn't be true. But he's not going to tell you the truth right now. He is WRONG when he says what happens somewhere else stays there. If that is the case, then he is saying that he could cheat on you with another girl somewhere else and not even feel bad about it because it was somewhere else. I think it is best that you and him stay broken up. Someone who thinks like that can't be trusted in a relationship.

Q: ok im 14 1/2 ok and theres this awesome guy at my school and i mean i like him and i think he likes me i mean he goes to church and everything job but the thing is he's 17 and ive heard rumors saying that guys make bets and crap on the freshmen to see how fast they can get into there pants i mean im not going to do anything like that but i don't want to be apart of a cruel joke so should i take the chance and go out with him or no..................

First of all, that age difference is not really that far apart, but it might be far apart to make your parents uncomfortable. I noticed also that you have only said that you like him. Not once did you mention whether or not either one of you have had a conversation or formed a friendship with each other. It is all fine and dandy if you want to take a chance and go out with him, but has he shown any interest towards you to suggest that he is mutually interested? Be a friend to him first, and get to know his personality. It is always better to start out as friends.

Q: ok i have this boyfriend and his soo awesome! we have been daten for 2weeks and we had sex last night! i've been "talking" with him since feb. but sometimes i feel like he doesn't care about me that much! and his always kind of mad at me..but i know his not cuz he got kicked outta his house 2weeks ago and he has to find a place to stay like everynight so it's not like i can talk to him...but he is pretty good about calling me and letten me know where he is staying at...that is if theres a phone around! but for some reason i'm so worried about him..i'm always woundering where is at and what his doing and who his with...he graduated last yr and i'm only in 10th...so when i'm at school that is when i worry...he has the friend that i don't like to much but yet his cool i don't like my boyfriend hanging out with him because i don't trust my boyfriend with him my boyfriend knows that i don't i like him with him...because i feel like his going to cheat on me when he is with his friend! i just don't know what to do about out relationship...cuz i do like him alot ((like not love)) and he gave me a promise braclett promiseing that he would never hurt me!!
i'll rate!

I am going to be blunt with you, and I don't care about the rating, because what I am about to say is going to be blunt and harsh.

Why would you sleep with a guy after only dating for two weeks? You said so yourself that you don't love him and that you feel like he doesn't care about you that much. If you have been having these feelings toward him, then why would you have sex with him? To please him? To make him happy? or To make him not be mad at you all of the time?

Right now, your boyfriend will not be able to show you the attention that you need because he has too much stress going on in his life right. First of all, he doesn't know where he will be staying from day-to-day. I am sure that takes more precedent then your feelings.

If you have to wonder about what he is doing and who he is with all of the time, then your relationship is all wrong.

You need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with this guy. There are too many ifs here. You are only in the 10th grade and you have too much stress on you. Whenever you get a chance to have a serious talk with your boyfriend, then you nee to ask him how he feels about you. Truthfully. And tell him exactly how you feel about him. Ask him what he is willing to contribute to the relationship. If he doesn't give you a good answer, then you need to let him go.

Q: When my boyfriend and I talk on the phone, he always switches over to another call. Well with his phone I am able to hear the voices, and it's ALWAYS another girl's voice.. could he be cheating on me? How do I bring this up with him...

Tell him exactly what you just told us. Tell him that when he answers his call waiting, you can still hear his conversation and you have noticed that there have been girls on the other end a few times. Tell him that you don't have a problem with him being friends with other girls, but you would at least like to know who he is friends with. If your boyfriend is a good person, he will tell you the truth. It could be that it is all one big misundertanding.

bio

I am a 22 year old mother of two that has had to grow up a lot faster then her years. I have been married for four years, but now am seperated from my significant other due to lack of his being able to handle a mature relationship. I can relate to almost anyone, and have been sought out, both online and off, for my advice. I answer all questions truthfully and honestly. If I don't know an answer to a question or I think other resources would be helpful, then I go into researh mode until I find an answer or the proper resource. I aspire to be a life coach in the future, because I like helping people make decisions to make their life better for their future. I am here not only to answer advice questions on this site, but to also chat with you if you feel like you need a more indepth one-on-one help.

Here are some of the guidelines I go by when answering advice questions:

I am always truthful in any advice I give.
I would never give anyone any advice that I would not follow myself.
I take into consideration your feelings when answering questions, but I will not sugar coat anything. If you are wrong, then you are wrong and I will tell you so.
If I cannot answer a question to the best of my ability, then I will point you to someone who can, or I will research my butt off until I find a helpful solution for you.